Blindsided by ER bill - DD says she was "roofied"

[Anonymous]

"I'm not paying this bill or for your insurance next year unless you tell me exactly what happened."

[Anonymous]

Pay the bill and be grateful she is alive.

The car is a separate issue, and it doesn’t sound like a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Got an ER bill today that was a surprise. I asked DD why she was in the hospital three weeks ago. She said, "oh, I got roofied but I'm OK and I reported it to the cops."

She seemed surprised at the cost of the bill.

I'm a little floored, and I'm not sure what to make of this. This doesn't seem like something you'd hide from a parent, is it? She's being very cavalier, "no big deal" about it, says she wasn't sexually assaulted. And she's being very secretive -- when I asked for the name of the police officer or a copy of the report she said she didn't want me involved and would handle it. It seems more like she's hiding something, and she does have a long history of elaborate lying and obfuscation about her behavior as a teen. Apparently she posted a drunk TikTok from her hospital bed -- that isn't what being "roofied" does, right? I thought it shut you down, unable to move. She's a terrible liar and I'm getting a big whiff of bullshit on her story here...

WWYD? I realize college students do stupid shit with alcohol. But if she was actually in the hospital for alcohol poisoning or something, I'm going to make her pay the bill and there's no way she's taking the car to college next year.

Is that overkill?

Could she have had an abortion or something?

Be grateful your kid is alive and have a calm talk about safety and open communication. Based on your post it sounds like you don’t trust her and you have a history with her and she’s had bad behavior I don’t know but it doesn’t sound like the way things are now she’s going to share things with you. If you want to change that you’ll have to change how you handle and respond to her. Now is a good time to start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, if you take the car over this, why would she ever tell you the truth about anything? You’ve taught her that she needs to lie to avoid punishment.

For like the 10th time, she doesn't currently have a car. This is about her having a car next year. This is about her JUDGMENT. It's not about "punishment." Right now I'm seriously questioning whether it's a good idea to let her have a car. She's going to be living off campus a good 5 or 6 miles from school and the parties. If, in fact, this is something else other than roofies, I'm reticent to allow her to have a car if there's any chance she might show poor judgment with it and alcohol. No, I didn't think that would be the case until this incident.

I'd like to believe this is what she says it is. But she's really not behaving like a victim of crime. Who downplays being violated like that?

I did and I don’t think I’m alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can’t get an explanation of benefits? She’s on your insurance and you would need to submit that for HSA reimbursement. I don’t think her being an adult makes a difference for that.

No, you can't get an EOB for another adult.

Eventually, I suppose they may mail one to her here at the house and i could open it. But online it says "patient view only."

HIPPA and all that.

Yes, I could ask her to waive it. But given her hostility around asking for details about the police report, I'm guessing she will refuse. I'm not there yet.

Yes you can… if you’re the primary account holder of the insurance. Just log in and see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can’t get an explanation of benefits? She’s on your insurance and you would need to submit that for HSA reimbursement. I don’t think her being an adult makes a difference for that.

No, you can't get an EOB for another adult.

Eventually, I suppose they may mail one to her here at the house and i could open it. But online it says "patient view only."

HIPPA and all that.

Yes, I could ask her to waive it. But given her hostility around asking for details about the police report, I'm guessing she will refuse. I'm not there yet.

Yes you can… if you’re the primary account holder of the insurance. Just log in and see.

Really, you can’t. I tried this already. I cannot see any details in the EOB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. I think you confront her on it. Tell her you love her but the story doesn't sound right and that if you are expected to parent in the form if paying hospital bills and college tuition, you should be consulted. Moreover, as a parent who has been around and who loves her, you should especially if there is a situation that involves police.

If this was alcohol poisoning, did she really "seek care?" The cases I know, the person is too incapacitated to choose care, and the friends dump them at the ER, no? Or call 911. I think all the people worried she won't seek care are kind of missing the point if she is manipulating the situation. DD will look at her as a blank check with some of the advice here, and that will not help OP guide her.

Hang in there, OP. I think it's fair to have expectations and for DD to experience repercussions of her actions, especially if she refuses your help, but keep showing the love too.

I want my children to see me as a blank check when it comes to medical care. I don't want them to delay seeking medical care -- especially emergency or mental health care -- over concerns about whether I will pay $120.

Especially when it comes to alcohol or other substances. Whether you frame withholding the car as punishment or not, it will make her less likely to go to the ER the next time. She'll tell her friends to drop her at home because mon freaks out over the $100 bill. Are you willing to take chances with her life over this, OP?

[Anonymous]

Wow, OP, just think for a moment, what if I am wrong and accuse my daughter of horrible things and lying.

What if your daughter was raped or roofied or whatever. Maybe she is processing that. Maybe she is lying, but why jump to the conclusion she is lying?

She probably didn't realize you'd get this bill or she didn't want to talk about it.

What are the consequences if you threaten her and go ballistic and you are doing it to a victim?

Take a breath. Some of the responses have this girl in rehab, some say get her on BC? Why are we assuming she is a huge liar?

What you do here can really affect your future relationship. You sound hot headed if your first inclination is to ban her from having a car a year from now. I hope you haven't said this to her.

If you're so concerned, go see her, tell her you're concerned and how can you help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, OP, just think for a moment, what if I am wrong and accuse my daughter of horrible things and lying.

What if your daughter was raped or roofied or whatever. Maybe she is processing that. Maybe she is lying, but why jump to the conclusion she is lying?

She probably didn't realize you'd get this bill or she didn't want to talk about it.

What are the consequences if you threaten her and go ballistic and you are doing it to a victim?

Take a breath. Some of the responses have this girl in rehab, some say get her on BC? Why are we assuming she is a huge liar?

What you do here can really affect your future relationship. You sound hot headed if your first inclination is to ban her from having a car a year from now. I hope you haven't said this to her.

If you're so concerned, go see her, tell her you're concerned and how can you help?

Me again, adding on. This is why women don't tell things, because they aren't believed. A lot happened to me in college and in work situations after a couple of drinks. I never spoke up and this is why. Just look at how the women on this board are reacting

[Anonymous]

OP, I implore you: please, just in case, do a bit of reading with a fully open mind about how survivors of rape and assault behave in the days/weeks/months, and sometimes years, after the event. Pay particular attention to the behaviors of “outward adjustment phase.” A lot of pretending can happen — to the self above all. It’s very ordinary to just keep trying to go back to how things were before.

But these things, when they happen, are a big deal. They can last.

I am *not* saying this has happened. But “I was roofied” + hospital bill + obfuscation are potential hints that something major could have happened. For the sake of your daughter, please read about what it might look like if it had. It probably won’t look like you’d expect. It rarely does.

This is hard. Sometimes irresponsibility and trauma can look the same. I hear you that you are afraid of indulging irresponsibility. That’s a real concern. But sexual assault is not some rare thing, and it doesn’t look a particular way on the outside. Just please do some reading about what it might look like.

[Anonymous]

It’s November and you’re going to decide *now* to take away a car for next school year because she isn’t mature enough? You don’t think she can mature over the next 9 months? That sounds nuts.

[Anonymous]

I have college aged children and work in law enforcement. I am shocked at how many women responding don’t seem to know how prevalent it is for young women to be roofied. I guarantee your students know women this has happened to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can’t get an explanation of benefits? She’s on your insurance and you would need to submit that for HSA reimbursement. I don’t think her being an adult makes a difference for that.

No, you can't get an EOB for another adult.

Eventually, I suppose they may mail one to her here at the house and i could open it. But online it says "patient view only."

HIPPA and all that.

Yes, I could ask her to waive it. But given her hostility around asking for details about the police report, I'm guessing she will refuse. I'm not there yet.

Yes you can… if you’re the primary account holder of the insurance. Just log in and see.

The second my oldest turned 18, I could no longer see his insurance EOB information online. Honestly, it took a lot of paperwork just so my husband and I had access to each other's information. The doctor's use HIPPA forms but the insurance company has a much more complicated process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What am I not getting here?.... What does partying too hard have to do with having a car on campus? Are you saying that she had poor judgment (possibly or possibly she was just roofied) in this one situation and therefore would have poor judgment about having and using her own car? Like, she wouldn't know when Not to take the car to a party, or wouldn't leave the car at the party if she partied hard and opt for an uber back to her campus?

My DD would have called me immediately if she landed in the ER. And if she wasn't coherent, her 2 besties and or her bf would have called. They know it's safe enough, they've reached out in the past, not for an ER visit but when they were worried about her.

You can be angry and intolerant all you want OP, but if this situation were to happen again, (or god forbid, worse) what would you want your DD to feel capable of doing? Personally, I'd want my child to know they can reach out, as opposed to feeling like they have to hide anything from me. And I'd work on getting that message across as opposed to the take down, shut down approach you are taking.

But I believe what OP is upset about - and I would be as well - is that this incident with their DD did not just happen. It happened THREE WEEKS ago! OP's kid had three weeks to "reach out" about the situation but did not. In fact, the kid never initiated a conversation and let her parent find out via a surprise hospital bill. That is the part that would most upset me for it screams of a disconnect between them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have college aged children and work in law enforcement. I am shocked at how many women responding don’t seem to know how prevalent it is for young women to be roofied. I guarantee your students know women this has happened to.

Yeah, this and sexual assault are not like we learned about on afterschool specials back in the day. They are sadly common. They happen everywhere, all the time. And wow they can mess a person up.