Friend group is blowing up due to rift between teen girls

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are right that your daughter does not and should not have to hang out with this girl just because you are friends with her mom. However, it sounds like she is old enough to know how to decline in a polite and kind way vs. how she did. I would meet with the mom once, explain that you are disappointed with how your daughter handled it, but that the kids can't be forced to be friends, just polite and kind. I doubt it will fix the friendship with her mom, but it is still worth doing.

+1

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems like you are proud your daughter is the cool sporty one and are ok with exclusionary behavior based on a preconceived social hierarchy.

It’s fine if your kid doesn’t like nor want to be friends with an old friend anymore but their are repercussions. Including being seen as a bully, exclusionary or elitist.

She can drop friends, but there will be backlash and you’ve both got to get over it.

This thread is just the Sporty girl's vs. artsy girl's 25 years later - still some emotional baggage from the moms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're wrong, your daughter was wrong, the other girl was wrong, and the other girl's mother was wrong.

You should be encouraging your DD to be friends with people who have different interests from her and aren't only just like her.

Your daughter needs to learn tact and to be kind in rejection.

The other girl needs a backbone and shouldn't be so upset by a tactless rejection (no, you're boring) that she needs to leave school early.

The other girl's mom needs to encourage her daughter to have a backbone and needs to stop gossiping.

As usual, the correct answer is on the first page. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

While I agree that she should be able to pick her friends its hard for me not to wonder what was said in the text messages to the other girl. While the other girl likely overreacted it just seems like your DD had to say something that was pretty to bad to evoke that reaction. I say that because your DD was friends with this girl in the recent past and she's part of another social group so it seems unlikely she is a complete drama queen.

[Anonymous]

This is why I don't make friends with the parents of my kids' friends. And this is the danger in being too tight with a large friend group since K. The other girl's mom should have been teaching her daughter not to assume friendships last forever and are forever tight, and teaching her how to gracefully let friendships fade. Diverging interests in upper elementary should have been a big blinking sign this friendship was destined for slow fade. In any case, OP's DD did nothing wrong. Everyone needs to move on to new friends with more similar interests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like you are proud your daughter is the cool sporty one and are ok with exclusionary behavior based on a preconceived social hierarchy.

It’s fine if your kid doesn’t like nor want to be friends with an old friend anymore but their are repercussions. Including being seen as a bully, exclusionary or elitist.

She can drop friends, but there will be backlash and you’ve both got to get over it.

This thread is just the Sporty girl's vs. artsy girl's 25 years later - still some emotional baggage from the moms.

The sporty girls certainly weren’t the popular ones at my HS 25 years ago!

[Anonymous]

You need to teach your daughter to be more diplomatic. No reply at all would be better than a mean one. Or even an honest one.

Your daughter needs to apologize for being rude. Not for dropping the friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So OP’s cool daughter excludes artsy girl and that’s ok, but OP is bent because artsy girl’s mom want to…exclude OP? Do I have that right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like you are proud your daughter is the cool sporty one and are ok with exclusionary behavior based on a preconceived social hierarchy.

It’s fine if your kid doesn’t like nor want to be friends with an old friend anymore but their are repercussions. Including being seen as a bully, exclusionary or elitist.

She can drop friends, but there will be backlash and you’ve both got to get over it.

This thread is just the Sporty girl's vs. artsy girl's 25 years later - still some emotional baggage from the moms.

The sporty girls certainly weren’t the popular ones at my HS 25 years ago!

I promise it wasn’t the girls riding pretend horseys around

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like you are proud your daughter is the cool sporty one and are ok with exclusionary behavior based on a preconceived social hierarchy.

It’s fine if your kid doesn’t like nor want to be friends with an old friend anymore but their are repercussions. Including being seen as a bully, exclusionary or elitist.

She can drop friends, but there will be backlash and you’ve both got to get over it.

This thread is just the Sporty girl's vs. artsy girl's 25 years later - still some emotional baggage from the moms.

The sporty girls certainly weren’t the popular ones at my HS 25 years ago!

They were at my high school. (I wasn’t one of them.) The artsy ones were cool, but not popular. The biggest difference was that none of their moms had the slightest idea or interest in what was going on in their friend groups.

[Anonymous]

OP it kind of sounds like your DD is a mean girl. Try not to be defensive about it if you want her to learn some compassion. She does not have to be good friends with this girl. But honestly I would be horrified if my DD acted mean and exclusionary in a group text to another girl. There were so many better ways to handle cooling a friendship and I think you know that deep down. If I were another mom I would not want my kid to hang out with your DD unless she apologized to the other girl.

[Anonymous]

Here’s the deal, if you want to continue to have this longtime circle, you have to coach DD.
If you all are going to stay close, the kids need to treat each other like cousins. If the friend asked to tag along - 1 time - on something, DD should’ve said yes. (If you guys are close family friends.) DD doesn’t have to sit with her at lunch every day or invite her to every sleepover or be BFFs, but yes, if you are family friends & she asks to tag along, you say yes like a nice cousin.
If that is not the case, you are not close family friends, then yes, you don’t have to get involved. Just don’t be surprised if the mother then wants to distance from you. It’s kind of a package deal at this point, you & DD can decide how much you want to invest in these relationships. But I dont think you can be very close friends without teaching your kids that we teach our close family friends/cousins with some extra generosity/kindness that you might not give some random kid.
And I say this as a parent of both o e on the “cool” kid side & the other side. If you are going to keep these relationships, this is how you need to talk to your DD. And with the other mom, you can tell her you are sorry & have talked to your DD (there probably won’t be any more requests so you dont have to worry - but if the girl asks if she can tag along one day, tell DD to be kind & let her once, to help her out).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just came here to say after reading this thread I think there is waaay too much shade being thrown at the OP. It almost seems like there is one or two posters who are posting repeatedly and exaggerating or purposely twisting what the OP said.

OP - your daughter is allowed to drift from friends and all these people know it. I would like to meet the person who has stayed friends with every single person they ever hung out with as kids and in high school. You already said you talked to her about a kinder way to distance herself. The fact that the other girl is being SO dramatic and the mom is jumping in is strange to me. It's not like your daughter went off on her, tried to have other people not like her, said overtly mean things, etc. etc.

I'm sorry this is happening, it is a tough situation and one that I've been in. MY DD has a best friend for several years who just started to be a jerk to her. The mom was, (and still is) a good friend. We met had lunch and just agreed that the girls have become different people and do better apart. Done. We all still see each other, and the girls are always polite to each other. They recognize they just are such different people (both girls aged 15 now). It can be done, but it takes 2 reasonable adults.... If you don't have that there may be no way to solve this. Stay above the fray with your mutual friends and just carry on with your lives.

Agree. My impression is that OP’s DD did start out mean or rude and wasn’t really. The other girl likely didn’t accept a no and pressed on about why she doesn’t want to hang, when they can hang out, etc. and OP’s DD was probably just honest and direct and it, and that hurt her feelings. If this is the case, OP, you all need to just move on. Your DD didn’t do anything wrong. But next time, I would advise her she doesn’t need to explicitly explain herself. No is fine and enough. Other mom should be teaching her DD is accept this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s clear that OP is raising a mean girl and is perfectly okay with excluding behaviors. OP just isn’t okay with the behavior being directed at her. Ah, sweet irony. Here’s thing that OP should recognize - this drama wouldn’t have any juice among her friend group if they didn’t think her DD was a mean girl. If her DD (and mother) were perfectly sweet, people would be defending her or trying not to get involved.

I read the OP (+ the follow ups) and I don’t get the mean girl read at all. It’s not clear at all. I bet you were low on the social totem pole as a teen and that’s coloring your read.

This is always the classic response from people who don’t teach their kids kindness. I was on varsity soccer and student class president, but gasp, I never made another girl cry and leave school early. I was nice to everyone. I guess that is why I got voted in. I was also in a sorority and a Rho Chi. No social problems whatsoever and I’m proud to say my daughter isn’t a mean girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s clear that OP is raising a mean girl and is perfectly okay with excluding behaviors. OP just isn’t okay with the behavior being directed at her. Ah, sweet irony. Here’s thing that OP should recognize - this drama wouldn’t have any juice among her friend group if they didn’t think her DD was a mean girl. If her DD (and mother) were perfectly sweet, people would be defending her or trying not to get involved.

I read the OP (+ the follow ups) and I don’t get the mean girl read at all. It’s not clear at all. I bet you were low on the social totem pole as a teen and that’s coloring your read.

This is always the classic response from people who don’t teach their kids kindness. I was on varsity soccer and student class president, but gasp, I never made another girl cry and leave school early. I was nice to everyone. I guess that is why I got voted in. I was also in a sorority and a Rho Chi. No social problems whatsoever and I’m proud to say my daughter isn’t a mean girl.

The PP you are responding to is not going to get it because she is clearly mean herself. "I bet you were low on the social totem pole as a teen." I mean, who says that besides a mean girl?

Being popular doesn't make you mean. OP's kid excluded another girl in a group text in a way that made her leave school early crying. This is a big freaking hint OP's kid was unkind. Either it was unintentionally mean and OP's daughter needs to learn better social graces, or it was intentionally mean and OP is in denial.