If there is a SAH spouse, are finances truly equal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$50K+ car screams emotional insecurity in all of you.

Such a waste of humanity's effort and nature's energy to indulge people like this.

This is a dumb post. You have no concept of how much cars cost and likely haven't bought one in ages. My minivan costs nearly $50K. It is not a flashy car but it is one that is now on backorder at all dealerships.

Getting a good car will cost at least $40-$50K.

Give us an example of a “good car” that an elderly couple needs vs a $30k so-called bad car. And remember, OP doesn’t want $40k car. She wants a $60k car! How will that significantly change her parents’ lives vs a $30k car.

OP's DH makes $3M a year. There is no reason not to buy her parents a $50K car. Plus, buying seniors cheap cars is a bad idea. I just helped my 70+ year old mother buy a Subaru. She needs the safety and added features. It was $40+.

They can afford it. There is no reason to cheap out on her parents vehicle. Be a better kid.

You can get a 2022 Subaru Impreza Premium, with all the bells and whistles, and only 6k miles for $26,998 at a local Carmax. How would that not serve her parents well? She is just trying to show off to her family (probably siblings and others) at the expense of her DH’s common sense.

I don't buy used cars so am not shopping at Carmax. Nor would I buy my parents a used car. We got a brand new car for my mother to ensure her safety. OP can definitely spend more on HER PARENTS.
Their household income is $3,000,000. Did you read all those zeros? Why are the PPs on this board insisting that OP live like a family making $300K or $150K? It's just ridiculous. TBH, I think most of the PPs are jealous. OP, you have cash. Live well. Buy your parents nice gifts.

A car with only 6k miles on it is a lot less used than the one you’re currently driving.

And a complete waste. Why would I shop at Carmax when I can get a new car covered by 36-48M warranty with free service during that time? Don't be ridiculous. No reason to buy a used car unless you are cash strapped, which OP is not.

You can get an excellent new vehicle for $30-35K. No need to spend $60K

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are various issues at play.

-the dynamics of not having your own income
-what you believe is a reasonable cost for a car
-asking your spouse to support in-laws financially

I stay at home and my spouse earns about $800k. He's spendier by nature than I am so there's that. I noticed you said your husband "lets" you do this or that. You also said that *he* got you your $110k car. Did you not pick out your own car? Change the way you tell yourself these stories. Part of being an equal in the partnership is believing it yourself. He doesn't let you spend money; you decide together that it's OK to spend money. He doesn't buy you a car (unless he bought it without your input); you decide together what your budget is, and then you pick out your own car.

My husband has a $70k car. Cars aren't my thing. I have a $32k car. Obviously my husband would support me getting a $70k car if I wanted one, but I don't. So I spend that money on Disney World instead.

As for supporting your parents, I think the disconnect here is that your husband is such a car snob that it seems like he wants your parents to drive trash because he thinks a $25k car is trash. So it doesn't paint your husband in the best light. But objectively speaking, you can get a perfectly serviceable and functional car for $25k. You should figure out if you are also a car snob, or if you are upset by the implied disrespect to your parents.

That said, you should never take it for granted that your spouse will approve giving away your money to relatives. Approach those conversations carefully and with respect. And keep in mind that he didn't say no to a car . . . he just suggested a budget lower than you apparently desire. That might indicate that he is tiring of these expenses. It may not be about the appropriate price for a car so much as it's about the never-ending asks.

One thing that has helped our dynamics is to give both of us the same amount of fun money. Because I would be so cautious and debate whether to spend $200 on a few items of clothing for myself, and then my husband would buy himself multiple pairs of $200 jeans. This way, if I want something that I feel is extravagant, the money is already there. Or I can save it up and donate it or spend it on a trip or whatever. It emboldens me to treat myself, which is a good thing considering that it's never fun to deny yourself and then look over at your spouse merrily spending without a second thought.

You have painted your husband as being rather ungenerous but the fact is that he approves of spending all this money on your inlaws. That may just not be a bottomless check. He may not view it as being stingy with friends; maybe he just doesn't want people to expect him to pay. Or maybe he thinks it's respectful to treat the other person like an equal who can pay their share of the bill, even if they don't earn millions of dollars a year. My gazillionaire uncle doesn't pay for everyone all the time; he doesn't want to create lazy dependents (I'm not saying that elderly people like your parents are lazy at all . . . this is in reference to his grandchildren).

So stop telling yourself that your husband controls the purse strings and lets you do things. If you want a fancy a$$ car, then own it; don't act like your husband twisted your arm. If you DON'T want a fancy a$$ car, then say so. But I still don't understand what is wrong with getting your parents a $30k car. It sounds like you are mad on principle . . . mad that he is a car snob but doesn't extend that to cars he gifts to struggling relatives. But I think it's like if you flew them to Europe with you, but you bought them coach tickets (assuming they weren't frail and uncomfortable in the seats). Yes, for you, flying in coach is unthinkable. But it's what the vast majority of people do. And even coach tickets cost a lot these days. Or let's say you're flying your teens with you. You want the lie flat seats, but do teenagers need them? You are still being generous even if you gift someone something that's not as luxurious as what you would get yourself. It's still a gift, where none was required.

DH put his name down for a Tesla before/during the pandemic. The wait list for the Tesla was so long that he got another car during the wait time. When the delivery time came, he asked if I wanted it. I didn’t really care. My car was getting kind of old. It is 6 years old. He basically got the Tesla for our family and I am driving it. I don’t really care about cars.

We just spent 40k on spring break. We can very easily buy this car for my parents. DH is expecting a very large influx of money next month and this is before his new bump in compensation. We also have other investments that should have a multi million dollar return. I guess we do talk about money. We just don’t talk about spending it. I usually just do whatever I want as long as it is for the kids and me and not others.

It sounds like your high income has allowed you to avoid talking about an issue where you actually don't agree and you're both uncomfortable. It seems like it's not really about the money for your DH exactly, it's more about the relationship with your parents. He might feel, for example, that it's a fancy car now but soon it'll be another fancy car and then live-in help or a fancy house or a fancy assisted living or supporting other relatives of yours, or whatever. He might feel that it will mess up his relationship with your dad-- men can have certain feelings about that He just doesn't have the same cultural norms that you do, and he's not comfortable with it. It's not about the money for him. It's about whether you're funding ILs' luxuries, or only their necessities. Because if you start in on luxuries there's no end to it.

My dad doesn’t have long to live. This has absolutely nothing to do with my dad. This car will be for my mom to take my dad to doctor appointments.

What difference does it make in their quality of life to have a fancy car versus a merely nice car?

When I give gifts, I try to be thoughtful. I would not want to give an inferior gift, something I would not use.

My mom already said she will probably only drive 1-2 years and she can just fix the current car. She said she doesn’t need a new car. I don’t want my mom driving an old car that keeps breaking down.

We will likely get a car that is around 40k. I gave DH the silent treatment. He didn’t even think this car purchase was an argument. He said I can get them whatever I want.

To all the posters who said it would be different if DH gave much more to his side of the family, I heard you. Thank you for the perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are various issues at play.

-the dynamics of not having your own income
-what you believe is a reasonable cost for a car
-asking your spouse to support in-laws financially

I stay at home and my spouse earns about $800k. He's spendier by nature than I am so there's that. I noticed you said your husband "lets" you do this or that. You also said that *he* got you your $110k car. Did you not pick out your own car? Change the way you tell yourself these stories. Part of being an equal in the partnership is believing it yourself. He doesn't let you spend money; you decide together that it's OK to spend money. He doesn't buy you a car (unless he bought it without your input); you decide together what your budget is, and then you pick out your own car.

My husband has a $70k car. Cars aren't my thing. I have a $32k car. Obviously my husband would support me getting a $70k car if I wanted one, but I don't. So I spend that money on Disney World instead.

As for supporting your parents, I think the disconnect here is that your husband is such a car snob that it seems like he wants your parents to drive trash because he thinks a $25k car is trash. So it doesn't paint your husband in the best light. But objectively speaking, you can get a perfectly serviceable and functional car for $25k. You should figure out if you are also a car snob, or if you are upset by the implied disrespect to your parents.

That said, you should never take it for granted that your spouse will approve giving away your money to relatives. Approach those conversations carefully and with respect. And keep in mind that he didn't say no to a car . . . he just suggested a budget lower than you apparently desire. That might indicate that he is tiring of these expenses. It may not be about the appropriate price for a car so much as it's about the never-ending asks.

One thing that has helped our dynamics is to give both of us the same amount of fun money. Because I would be so cautious and debate whether to spend $200 on a few items of clothing for myself, and then my husband would buy himself multiple pairs of $200 jeans. This way, if I want something that I feel is extravagant, the money is already there. Or I can save it up and donate it or spend it on a trip or whatever. It emboldens me to treat myself, which is a good thing considering that it's never fun to deny yourself and then look over at your spouse merrily spending without a second thought.

You have painted your husband as being rather ungenerous but the fact is that he approves of spending all this money on your inlaws. That may just not be a bottomless check. He may not view it as being stingy with friends; maybe he just doesn't want people to expect him to pay. Or maybe he thinks it's respectful to treat the other person like an equal who can pay their share of the bill, even if they don't earn millions of dollars a year. My gazillionaire uncle doesn't pay for everyone all the time; he doesn't want to create lazy dependents (I'm not saying that elderly people like your parents are lazy at all . . . this is in reference to his grandchildren).

So stop telling yourself that your husband controls the purse strings and lets you do things. If you want a fancy a$$ car, then own it; don't act like your husband twisted your arm. If you DON'T want a fancy a$$ car, then say so. But I still don't understand what is wrong with getting your parents a $30k car. It sounds like you are mad on principle . . . mad that he is a car snob but doesn't extend that to cars he gifts to struggling relatives. But I think it's like if you flew them to Europe with you, but you bought them coach tickets (assuming they weren't frail and uncomfortable in the seats). Yes, for you, flying in coach is unthinkable. But it's what the vast majority of people do. And even coach tickets cost a lot these days. Or let's say you're flying your teens with you. You want the lie flat seats, but do teenagers need them? You are still being generous even if you gift someone something that's not as luxurious as what you would get yourself. It's still a gift, where none was required.

DH put his name down for a Tesla before/during the pandemic. The wait list for the Tesla was so long that he got another car during the wait time. When the delivery time came, he asked if I wanted it. I didn’t really care. My car was getting kind of old. It is 6 years old. He basically got the Tesla for our family and I am driving it. I don’t really care about cars.

We just spent 40k on spring break. We can very easily buy this car for my parents. DH is expecting a very large influx of money next month and this is before his new bump in compensation. We also have other investments that should have a multi million dollar return. I guess we do talk about money. We just don’t talk about spending it. I usually just do whatever I want as long as it is for the kids and me and not others.

It sounds like your high income has allowed you to avoid talking about an issue where you actually don't agree and you're both uncomfortable. It seems like it's not really about the money for your DH exactly, it's more about the relationship with your parents. He might feel, for example, that it's a fancy car now but soon it'll be another fancy car and then live-in help or a fancy house or a fancy assisted living or supporting other relatives of yours, or whatever. He might feel that it will mess up his relationship with your dad-- men can have certain feelings about that He just doesn't have the same cultural norms that you do, and he's not comfortable with it. It's not about the money for him. It's about whether you're funding ILs' luxuries, or only their necessities. Because if you start in on luxuries there's no end to it.

My dad doesn’t have long to live. This has absolutely nothing to do with my dad. This car will be for my mom to take my dad to doctor appointments.

What difference does it make in their quality of life to have a fancy car versus a merely nice car?

When I give gifts, I try to be thoughtful. I would not want to give an inferior gift, something I would not use.

My mom already said she will probably only drive 1-2 years and she can just fix the current car. She said she doesn’t need a new car. I don’t want my mom driving an old car that keeps breaking down.

We will likely get a car that is around 40k. I gave DH the silent treatment. He didn’t even think this car purchase was an argument. He said I can get them whatever I want.

To all the posters who said it would be different if DH gave much more to his side of the family, I heard you. Thank you for the perspective.

You are coming across more childish with every post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$50K+ car screams emotional insecurity in all of you.

Such a waste of humanity's effort and nature's energy to indulge people like this.

This is a dumb post. You have no concept of how much cars cost and likely haven't bought one in ages. My minivan costs nearly $50K. It is not a flashy car but it is one that is now on backorder at all dealerships.

Getting a good car will cost at least $40-$50K.

Give us an example of a “good car” that an elderly couple needs vs a $30k so-called bad car. And remember, OP doesn’t want $40k car. She wants a $60k car! How will that significantly change her parents’ lives vs a $30k car.

OP's DH makes $3M a year. There is no reason not to buy her parents a $50K car. Plus, buying seniors cheap cars is a bad idea. I just helped my 70+ year old mother buy a Subaru. She needs the safety and added features. It was $40+.

They can afford it. There is no reason to cheap out on her parents vehicle. Be a better kid.

You can get a 2022 Subaru Impreza Premium, with all the bells and whistles, and only 6k miles for $26,998 at a local Carmax. How would that not serve her parents well? She is just trying to show off to her family (probably siblings and others) at the expense of her DH’s common sense.

I don't buy used cars so am not shopping at Carmax. Nor would I buy my parents a used car. We got a brand new car for my mother to ensure her safety. OP can definitely spend more on HER PARENTS.
Their household income is $3,000,000. Did you read all those zeros? Why are the PPs on this board insisting that OP live like a family making $300K or $150K? It's just ridiculous. TBH, I think most of the PPs are jealous. OP, you have cash. Live well. Buy your parents nice gifts.

A car with only 6k miles on it is a lot less used than the one you’re currently driving.

And a complete waste. Why would I shop at Carmax when I can get a new car covered by 36-48M warranty with free service during that time? Don't be ridiculous. No reason to buy a used car unless you are cash strapped, which OP is not.

Maybe OP’s husband doesn’t want to pay the gift tax on something that expensive.
Plus, you sound like a snob.

You are still missing the point. The HHI is $3,000,000. They are not poor, struggling, or counting pennies. They are living well. They can afford to pay for parents car. It's selfish not to. I make significantly less than them and bought my nanny a brand new car as a gift so I'm flummoxed as to DH's rationale here.
If telling someone who makes $3M to not be cheap is snobby, I'll take it.

Spending only $30K on a car is NOT cheap. It's more than 80% of Americans spend on cars. It's NOT being cheap.


I'm worth millions. My college grad got their 8 yo vehicle they'd been driving since 16 yo as a grad gift. Can I afford a new car for them? Sure. Do they need it? Nope. So they didn't get it. As long as their old car is safe and reliable they will drive it (or spend their own $$$ to replace it---thankfully they are frugal so happy with their extremely reliable car and plan to keep it). Am I cheap? Hell no! But just because we have $$$ doesn't mean we blow thru it. If needed we spend it, otherwise we are financially savy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$50K+ car screams emotional insecurity in all of you.

Such a waste of humanity's effort and nature's energy to indulge people like this.

This is a dumb post. You have no concept of how much cars cost and likely haven't bought one in ages. My minivan costs nearly $50K. It is not a flashy car but it is one that is now on backorder at all dealerships.

Getting a good car will cost at least $40-$50K.

Give us an example of a “good car” that an elderly couple needs vs a $30k so-called bad car. And remember, OP doesn’t want $40k car. She wants a $60k car! How will that significantly change her parents’ lives vs a $30k car.

OP's DH makes $3M a year. There is no reason not to buy her parents a $50K car. Plus, buying seniors cheap cars is a bad idea. I just helped my 70+ year old mother buy a Subaru. She needs the safety and added features. It was $40+.

They can afford it. There is no reason to cheap out on her parents vehicle. Be a better kid.

You can get a 2022 Subaru Impreza Premium, with all the bells and whistles, and only 6k miles for $26,998 at a local Carmax. How would that not serve her parents well? She is just trying to show off to her family (probably siblings and others) at the expense of her DH’s common sense.

I don't buy used cars so am not shopping at Carmax. Nor would I buy my parents a used car. We got a brand new car for my mother to ensure her safety. OP can definitely spend more on HER PARENTS.
Their household income is $3,000,000. Did you read all those zeros? Why are the PPs on this board insisting that OP live like a family making $300K or $150K? It's just ridiculous. TBH, I think most of the PPs are jealous. OP, you have cash. Live well. Buy your parents nice gifts.

A car with only 6k miles on it is a lot less used than the one you’re currently driving.

And a complete waste. Why would I shop at Carmax when I can get a new car covered by 36-48M warranty with free service during that time? Don't be ridiculous. No reason to buy a used car unless you are cash strapped, which OP is not.

Maybe OP’s husband doesn’t want to pay the gift tax on something that expensive.
Plus, you sound like a snob.

You are still missing the point. The HHI is $3,000,000. They are not poor, struggling, or counting pennies. They are living well. They can afford to pay for parents car. It's selfish not to. I make significantly less than them and bought my nanny a brand new car as a gift so I'm flummoxed as to DH's rationale here.
If telling someone who makes $3M to not be cheap is snobby, I'll take it.

You’re flummoxed by rational, common sense? That sounds like a you problem.

And it sounds like you don't make a ton of money. The same rationale for cash strapped folks is not the same for those who are flush. They get to live life differently. Sorry you cannot see that.

Nope, they can choose to "live differently", but they are not required to no longer be financially astute. It's not like he is saying "get your parents a 20 yo car for $2K that barely runs". He's saying get them a new $30K vehicle----which would be nicer than majority of Americans currently drive. So while he can choose to live life differently he is not forced to waste money just because he has it. However, when you make $3M/year you can choose to spend on your family and your extended family however you deem appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are various issues at play.

-the dynamics of not having your own income
-what you believe is a reasonable cost for a car
-asking your spouse to support in-laws financially

I stay at home and my spouse earns about $800k. He's spendier by nature than I am so there's that. I noticed you said your husband "lets" you do this or that. You also said that *he* got you your $110k car. Did you not pick out your own car? Change the way you tell yourself these stories. Part of being an equal in the partnership is believing it yourself. He doesn't let you spend money; you decide together that it's OK to spend money. He doesn't buy you a car (unless he bought it without your input); you decide together what your budget is, and then you pick out your own car.

My husband has a $70k car. Cars aren't my thing. I have a $32k car. Obviously my husband would support me getting a $70k car if I wanted one, but I don't. So I spend that money on Disney World instead.

As for supporting your parents, I think the disconnect here is that your husband is such a car snob that it seems like he wants your parents to drive trash because he thinks a $25k car is trash. So it doesn't paint your husband in the best light. But objectively speaking, you can get a perfectly serviceable and functional car for $25k. You should figure out if you are also a car snob, or if you are upset by the implied disrespect to your parents.

That said, you should never take it for granted that your spouse will approve giving away your money to relatives. Approach those conversations carefully and with respect. And keep in mind that he didn't say no to a car . . . he just suggested a budget lower than you apparently desire. That might indicate that he is tiring of these expenses. It may not be about the appropriate price for a car so much as it's about the never-ending asks.

One thing that has helped our dynamics is to give both of us the same amount of fun money. Because I would be so cautious and debate whether to spend $200 on a few items of clothing for myself, and then my husband would buy himself multiple pairs of $200 jeans. This way, if I want something that I feel is extravagant, the money is already there. Or I can save it up and donate it or spend it on a trip or whatever. It emboldens me to treat myself, which is a good thing considering that it's never fun to deny yourself and then look over at your spouse merrily spending without a second thought.

You have painted your husband as being rather ungenerous but the fact is that he approves of spending all this money on your inlaws. That may just not be a bottomless check. He may not view it as being stingy with friends; maybe he just doesn't want people to expect him to pay. Or maybe he thinks it's respectful to treat the other person like an equal who can pay their share of the bill, even if they don't earn millions of dollars a year. My gazillionaire uncle doesn't pay for everyone all the time; he doesn't want to create lazy dependents (I'm not saying that elderly people like your parents are lazy at all . . . this is in reference to his grandchildren).

So stop telling yourself that your husband controls the purse strings and lets you do things. If you want a fancy a$$ car, then own it; don't act like your husband twisted your arm. If you DON'T want a fancy a$$ car, then say so. But I still don't understand what is wrong with getting your parents a $30k car. It sounds like you are mad on principle . . . mad that he is a car snob but doesn't extend that to cars he gifts to struggling relatives. But I think it's like if you flew them to Europe with you, but you bought them coach tickets (assuming they weren't frail and uncomfortable in the seats). Yes, for you, flying in coach is unthinkable. But it's what the vast majority of people do. And even coach tickets cost a lot these days. Or let's say you're flying your teens with you. You want the lie flat seats, but do teenagers need them? You are still being generous even if you gift someone something that's not as luxurious as what you would get yourself. It's still a gift, where none was required.

DH put his name down for a Tesla before/during the pandemic. The wait list for the Tesla was so long that he got another car during the wait time. When the delivery time came, he asked if I wanted it. I didn’t really care. My car was getting kind of old. It is 6 years old. He basically got the Tesla for our family and I am driving it. I don’t really care about cars.

We just spent 40k on spring break. We can very easily buy this car for my parents. DH is expecting a very large influx of money next month and this is before his new bump in compensation. We also have other investments that should have a multi million dollar return. I guess we do talk about money. We just don’t talk about spending it. I usually just do whatever I want as long as it is for the kids and me and not others.

It sounds like your high income has allowed you to avoid talking about an issue where you actually don't agree and you're both uncomfortable. It seems like it's not really about the money for your DH exactly, it's more about the relationship with your parents. He might feel, for example, that it's a fancy car now but soon it'll be another fancy car and then live-in help or a fancy house or a fancy assisted living or supporting other relatives of yours, or whatever. He might feel that it will mess up his relationship with your dad-- men can have certain feelings about that He just doesn't have the same cultural norms that you do, and he's not comfortable with it. It's not about the money for him. It's about whether you're funding ILs' luxuries, or only their necessities. Because if you start in on luxuries there's no end to it.

My dad doesn’t have long to live. This has absolutely nothing to do with my dad. This car will be for my mom to take my dad to doctor appointments.

What difference does it make in their quality of life to have a fancy car versus a merely nice car?

When I give gifts, I try to be thoughtful. I would not want to give an inferior gift, something I would not use.

My mom already said she will probably only drive 1-2 years and she can just fix the current car. She said she doesn’t need a new car. I don’t want my mom driving an old car that keeps breaking down.

We will likely get a car that is around 40k. I gave DH the silent treatment. He didn’t even think this car purchase was an argument. He said I can get them whatever I want.

To all the posters who said it would be different if DH gave much more to his side of the family, I heard you. Thank you for the perspective.

You are coming across more childish with every post.

What do you do when you are mad at your spouse? Guess what? I won’t be sleeping with him either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG. Stop it. He sounds like a great guy. He brings in 7 figures and you can basically do what you want. Just stop being such an effing princess. It's not unreasonable to think your parents would be just fine in a new $30k vehicle.

IMO that's a super sexist response (I'm not OP). They're a family. She holds down the fort at home, presumably, and cares for the kids, and maybe the parents are highly involved too. Why shouldn't she be able to advocate for a $60k vehicle? Would you feel differently if DH wanted to buy HIS parents a similar car, since he's the one bringing home $3 mil?

Not at all. And not meant to be sexist, either. It's not about whether he has control of all the money. It's really about the fact that she truly believes that her parents, who are being fully supported by her family, need a more expensive vehicle. They don't. Her husband is not being a jerk over the money. He is questioning why her parents can't get by on a typical car that 80% of Americans drive.

Should also add that I am also a SAHM. We discuss all expenditures for our family, before making decisions. We tend to go with the most reasonable decision (sure, we could afford $1000/night lodging on vacation but why would we pay that when $500/night would do the trick?). I would also feel a man was acting in a spoiled manner if it was the female partner making the 7 figures and asking why his parents couldn't drive a gifted $30k car.

OP here. I think the part that upsets me or hurts my feelings is that DH is a car guy and values cars. If he/we didn’t care about cars, it would not matter as much and I would understand. Even when we earned way less, having a nice car was his priority. He wants to get my parents the absolute lowest car, the type of car he will decline if we were getting a rental car on vacation. He is a total car snob so for him to want to get my parents a cheap car, it feels like a slap in the face to me.

20-30 is not a cheap car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$50K+ car screams emotional insecurity in all of you.

Such a waste of humanity's effort and nature's energy to indulge people like this.

This is a dumb post. You have no concept of how much cars cost and likely haven't bought one in ages. My minivan costs nearly $50K. It is not a flashy car but it is one that is now on backorder at all dealerships.

Getting a good car will cost at least $40-$50K.

Give us an example of a “good car” that an elderly couple needs vs a $30k so-called bad car. And remember, OP doesn’t want $40k car. She wants a $60k car! How will that significantly change her parents’ lives vs a $30k car.

OP's DH makes $3M a year. There is no reason not to buy her parents a $50K car. Plus, buying seniors cheap cars is a bad idea. I just helped my 70+ year old mother buy a Subaru. She needs the safety and added features. It was $40+.

They can afford it. There is no reason to cheap out on her parents vehicle. Be a better kid.

You can get a 2022 Subaru Impreza Premium, with all the bells and whistles, and only 6k miles for $26,998 at a local Carmax. How would that not serve her parents well? She is just trying to show off to her family (probably siblings and others) at the expense of her DH’s common sense.

I don't buy used cars so am not shopping at Carmax. Nor would I buy my parents a used car. We got a brand new car for my mother to ensure her safety. OP can definitely spend more on HER PARENTS.
Their household income is $3,000,000. Did you read all those zeros? Why are the PPs on this board insisting that OP live like a family making $300K or $150K? It's just ridiculous. TBH, I think most of the PPs are jealous. OP, you have cash. Live well. Buy your parents nice gifts.

A car with only 6k miles on it is a lot less used than the one you’re currently driving.

And a complete waste. Why would I shop at Carmax when I can get a new car covered by 36-48M warranty with free service during that time? Don't be ridiculous. No reason to buy a used car unless you are cash strapped, which OP is not.

Maybe OP’s husband doesn’t want to pay the gift tax on something that expensive.
Plus, you sound like a snob.

You are still missing the point. The HHI is $3,000,000. They are not poor, struggling, or counting pennies. They are living well. They can afford to pay for parents car. It's selfish not to. I make significantly less than them and bought my nanny a brand new car as a gift so I'm flummoxed as to DH's rationale here.
If telling someone who makes $3M to not be cheap is snobby, I'll take it.

Spending only $30K on a car is NOT cheap. It's more than 80% of Americans spend on cars. It's NOT being cheap.


I'm worth millions. My college grad got their 8 yo vehicle they'd been driving since 16 yo as a grad gift. Can I afford a new car for them? Sure. Do they need it? Nope. So they didn't get it. As long as their old car is safe and reliable they will drive it (or spend their own $$$ to replace it---thankfully they are frugal so happy with their extremely reliable car and plan to keep it). Am I cheap? Hell no! But just because we have $$$ doesn't mean we blow thru it. If needed we spend it, otherwise we are financially savy.

There’s a huge difference between giving your teenager a car and giving your elderly parents a car. Do you really not see that?

[Anonymous]

I hear you, op. I come from an immigrant family and respecting the elder generation is important to me. My MIL is awful and hates me, but when she needed care last year I agreed with dh that we’d pay for a home health aide because that’s what you do, you take care of your family as best you can. I’d be mad if my spouse was making $3m a year and balking at the difference between a $60k car and a $30k car. The difference is a rounding error in your bank accounts. I agree it’s insulting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are various issues at play.

-the dynamics of not having your own income
-what you believe is a reasonable cost for a car
-asking your spouse to support in-laws financially

I stay at home and my spouse earns about $800k. He's spendier by nature than I am so there's that. I noticed you said your husband "lets" you do this or that. You also said that *he* got you your $110k car. Did you not pick out your own car? Change the way you tell yourself these stories. Part of being an equal in the partnership is believing it yourself. He doesn't let you spend money; you decide together that it's OK to spend money. He doesn't buy you a car (unless he bought it without your input); you decide together what your budget is, and then you pick out your own car.

My husband has a $70k car. Cars aren't my thing. I have a $32k car. Obviously my husband would support me getting a $70k car if I wanted one, but I don't. So I spend that money on Disney World instead.

As for supporting your parents, I think the disconnect here is that your husband is such a car snob that it seems like he wants your parents to drive trash because he thinks a $25k car is trash. So it doesn't paint your husband in the best light. But objectively speaking, you can get a perfectly serviceable and functional car for $25k. You should figure out if you are also a car snob, or if you are upset by the implied disrespect to your parents.

That said, you should never take it for granted that your spouse will approve giving away your money to relatives. Approach those conversations carefully and with respect. And keep in mind that he didn't say no to a car . . . he just suggested a budget lower than you apparently desire. That might indicate that he is tiring of these expenses. It may not be about the appropriate price for a car so much as it's about the never-ending asks.

One thing that has helped our dynamics is to give both of us the same amount of fun money. Because I would be so cautious and debate whether to spend $200 on a few items of clothing for myself, and then my husband would buy himself multiple pairs of $200 jeans. This way, if I want something that I feel is extravagant, the money is already there. Or I can save it up and donate it or spend it on a trip or whatever. It emboldens me to treat myself, which is a good thing considering that it's never fun to deny yourself and then look over at your spouse merrily spending without a second thought.

You have painted your husband as being rather ungenerous but the fact is that he approves of spending all this money on your inlaws. That may just not be a bottomless check. He may not view it as being stingy with friends; maybe he just doesn't want people to expect him to pay. Or maybe he thinks it's respectful to treat the other person like an equal who can pay their share of the bill, even if they don't earn millions of dollars a year. My gazillionaire uncle doesn't pay for everyone all the time; he doesn't want to create lazy dependents (I'm not saying that elderly people like your parents are lazy at all . . . this is in reference to his grandchildren).

So stop telling yourself that your husband controls the purse strings and lets you do things. If you want a fancy a$$ car, then own it; don't act like your husband twisted your arm. If you DON'T want a fancy a$$ car, then say so. But I still don't understand what is wrong with getting your parents a $30k car. It sounds like you are mad on principle . . . mad that he is a car snob but doesn't extend that to cars he gifts to struggling relatives. But I think it's like if you flew them to Europe with you, but you bought them coach tickets (assuming they weren't frail and uncomfortable in the seats). Yes, for you, flying in coach is unthinkable. But it's what the vast majority of people do. And even coach tickets cost a lot these days. Or let's say you're flying your teens with you. You want the lie flat seats, but do teenagers need them? You are still being generous even if you gift someone something that's not as luxurious as what you would get yourself. It's still a gift, where none was required.

DH put his name down for a Tesla before/during the pandemic. The wait list for the Tesla was so long that he got another car during the wait time. When the delivery time came, he asked if I wanted it. I didn’t really care. My car was getting kind of old. It is 6 years old. He basically got the Tesla for our family and I am driving it. I don’t really care about cars.

We just spent 40k on spring break. We can very easily buy this car for my parents. DH is expecting a very large influx of money next month and this is before his new bump in compensation. We also have other investments that should have a multi million dollar return. I guess we do talk about money. We just don’t talk about spending it. I usually just do whatever I want as long as it is for the kids and me and not others.

Once again---he did NOT say no to getting your parents a car. They want a "smaller car". You can EASILY find a smaller great vehicle for $25-30K. Most people would be so appreciative of a brand new Honda Accord/suburu cross fit/etc. There is no need to spend more on a car for your parents. Be grateful that your partner has agreed to spend so much on your family for so long. There is a huge difference between spending on your kids and on your parents. It sounds like it is YOU who wants the fancy car, not your parents. Is it so you can brag to your friends and other family members? It just doesn't make sense. Keep this up and your parner may not want to continue spending on family members for things they actually need. After a while it gets tiring when everyone else just expects you to foot the bill for everything in the family because "you are rich".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This post is why while men with good careers don't mind having a SAHM wife, they should be leery about marrying someone from a financially unstable background because they will be supporting her entire family.

This is true.

Yep. She doesn’t need to be from a rich family but they should be stable enough to take care of themselves and not expect their son in law to support them in addition to their daughter.

Also, the daughter’s money values and sense of responsibility are usually inherited from the parents.

It doesn’t matter if you earn 3m or 300k, what man wants to marry that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$50K+ car screams emotional insecurity in all of you.

Such a waste of humanity's effort and nature's energy to indulge people like this.

This is a dumb post. You have no concept of how much cars cost and likely haven't bought one in ages. My minivan costs nearly $50K. It is not a flashy car but it is one that is now on backorder at all dealerships.

Getting a good car will cost at least $40-$50K.

Give us an example of a “good car” that an elderly couple needs vs a $30k so-called bad car. And remember, OP doesn’t want $40k car. She wants a $60k car! How will that significantly change her parents’ lives vs a $30k car.

OP here. I don’t plan to get our teen a new car either. His school parking lot is full of luxury cars. My second son said he wants to get my Tesla in 3 years.




OP's DH makes $3M a year. There is no reason not to buy her parents a $50K car. Plus, buying seniors cheap cars is a bad idea. I just helped my 70+ year old mother buy a Subaru. She needs the safety and added features. It was $40+.

They can afford it. There is no reason to cheap out on her parents vehicle. Be a better kid.

You can get a 2022 Subaru Impreza Premium, with all the bells and whistles, and only 6k miles for $26,998 at a local Carmax. How would that not serve her parents well? She is just trying to show off to her family (probably siblings and others) at the expense of her DH’s common sense.

I don't buy used cars so am not shopping at Carmax. Nor would I buy my parents a used car. We got a brand new car for my mother to ensure her safety. OP can definitely spend more on HER PARENTS.
Their household income is $3,000,000. Did you read all those zeros? Why are the PPs on this board insisting that OP live like a family making $300K or $150K? It's just ridiculous. TBH, I think most of the PPs are jealous. OP, you have cash. Live well. Buy your parents nice gifts.

A car with only 6k miles on it is a lot less used than the one you’re currently driving.

And a complete waste. Why would I shop at Carmax when I can get a new car covered by 36-48M warranty with free service during that time? Don't be ridiculous. No reason to buy a used car unless you are cash strapped, which OP is not.

Maybe OP’s husband doesn’t want to pay the gift tax on something that expensive.
Plus, you sound like a snob.

You are still missing the point. The HHI is $3,000,000. They are not poor, struggling, or counting pennies. They are living well. They can afford to pay for parents car. It's selfish not to. I make significantly less than them and bought my nanny a brand new car as a gift so I'm flummoxed as to DH's rationale here.
If telling someone who makes $3M to not be cheap is snobby, I'll take it.

Spending only $30K on a car is NOT cheap. It's more than 80% of Americans spend on cars. It's NOT being cheap.


I'm worth millions. My college grad got their 8 yo vehicle they'd been driving since 16 yo as a grad gift. Can I afford a new car for them? Sure. Do they need it? Nope. So they didn't get it. As long as their old car is safe and reliable they will drive it (or spend their own $$$ to replace it---thankfully they are frugal so happy with their extremely reliable car and plan to keep it). Am I cheap? Hell no! But just because we have $$$ doesn't mean we blow thru it. If needed we spend it, otherwise we are financially savy.

There’s a huge difference between giving your teenager a car and giving your elderly parents a car. Do you really not see that?

[Anonymous]

If I were your DH, I would be happy to work to support you and the kids. I would not be happy to have to support your parents. And I were your parents, I would feel both awkward and embarrassed that my SIL was supporting us and would never accept a new car, let alone a luxury car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are various issues at play.

-the dynamics of not having your own income
-what you believe is a reasonable cost for a car
-asking your spouse to support in-laws financially

I stay at home and my spouse earns about $800k. He's spendier by nature than I am so there's that. I noticed you said your husband "lets" you do this or that. You also said that *he* got you your $110k car. Did you not pick out your own car? Change the way you tell yourself these stories. Part of being an equal in the partnership is believing it yourself. He doesn't let you spend money; you decide together that it's OK to spend money. He doesn't buy you a car (unless he bought it without your input); you decide together what your budget is, and then you pick out your own car.

My husband has a $70k car. Cars aren't my thing. I have a $32k car. Obviously my husband would support me getting a $70k car if I wanted one, but I don't. So I spend that money on Disney World instead.

As for supporting your parents, I think the disconnect here is that your husband is such a car snob that it seems like he wants your parents to drive trash because he thinks a $25k car is trash. So it doesn't paint your husband in the best light. But objectively speaking, you can get a perfectly serviceable and functional car for $25k. You should figure out if you are also a car snob, or if you are upset by the implied disrespect to your parents.

That said, you should never take it for granted that your spouse will approve giving away your money to relatives. Approach those conversations carefully and with respect. And keep in mind that he didn't say no to a car . . . he just suggested a budget lower than you apparently desire. That might indicate that he is tiring of these expenses. It may not be about the appropriate price for a car so much as it's about the never-ending asks.

One thing that has helped our dynamics is to give both of us the same amount of fun money. Because I would be so cautious and debate whether to spend $200 on a few items of clothing for myself, and then my husband would buy himself multiple pairs of $200 jeans. This way, if I want something that I feel is extravagant, the money is already there. Or I can save it up and donate it or spend it on a trip or whatever. It emboldens me to treat myself, which is a good thing considering that it's never fun to deny yourself and then look over at your spouse merrily spending without a second thought.

You have painted your husband as being rather ungenerous but the fact is that he approves of spending all this money on your inlaws. That may just not be a bottomless check. He may not view it as being stingy with friends; maybe he just doesn't want people to expect him to pay. Or maybe he thinks it's respectful to treat the other person like an equal who can pay their share of the bill, even if they don't earn millions of dollars a year. My gazillionaire uncle doesn't pay for everyone all the time; he doesn't want to create lazy dependents (I'm not saying that elderly people like your parents are lazy at all . . . this is in reference to his grandchildren).

So stop telling yourself that your husband controls the purse strings and lets you do things. If you want a fancy a$$ car, then own it; don't act like your husband twisted your arm. If you DON'T want a fancy a$$ car, then say so. But I still don't understand what is wrong with getting your parents a $30k car. It sounds like you are mad on principle . . . mad that he is a car snob but doesn't extend that to cars he gifts to struggling relatives. But I think it's like if you flew them to Europe with you, but you bought them coach tickets (assuming they weren't frail and uncomfortable in the seats). Yes, for you, flying in coach is unthinkable. But it's what the vast majority of people do. And even coach tickets cost a lot these days. Or let's say you're flying your teens with you. You want the lie flat seats, but do teenagers need them? You are still being generous even if you gift someone something that's not as luxurious as what you would get yourself. It's still a gift, where none was required.

DH put his name down for a Tesla before/during the pandemic. The wait list for the Tesla was so long that he got another car during the wait time. When the delivery time came, he asked if I wanted it. I didn’t really care. My car was getting kind of old. It is 6 years old. He basically got the Tesla for our family and I am driving it. I don’t really care about cars.

We just spent 40k on spring break. We can very easily buy this car for my parents. DH is expecting a very large influx of money next month and this is before his new bump in compensation. We also have other investments that should have a multi million dollar return. I guess we do talk about money. We just don’t talk about spending it. I usually just do whatever I want as long as it is for the kids and me and not others.

It sounds like your high income has allowed you to avoid talking about an issue where you actually don't agree and you're both uncomfortable. It seems like it's not really about the money for your DH exactly, it's more about the relationship with your parents. He might feel, for example, that it's a fancy car now but soon it'll be another fancy car and then live-in help or a fancy house or a fancy assisted living or supporting other relatives of yours, or whatever. He might feel that it will mess up his relationship with your dad-- men can have certain feelings about that He just doesn't have the same cultural norms that you do, and he's not comfortable with it. It's not about the money for him. It's about whether you're funding ILs' luxuries, or only their necessities. Because if you start in on luxuries there's no end to it.

My dad doesn’t have long to live. This has absolutely nothing to do with my dad. This car will be for my mom to take my dad to doctor appointments.

What difference does it make in their quality of life to have a fancy car versus a merely nice car?

When I give gifts, I try to be thoughtful. I would not want to give an inferior gift, something I would not use.

My mom already said she will probably only drive 1-2 years and she can just fix the current car. She said she doesn’t need a new car. I don’t want my mom driving an old car that keeps breaking down.

We will likely get a car that is around 40k. I gave DH the silent treatment. He didn’t even think this car purchase was an argument. He said I can get them whatever I want.

To all the posters who said it would be different if DH gave much more to his side of the family, I heard you. Thank you for the perspective.

You are coming across more childish with every post.

What do you do when you are mad at your spouse? Guess what? I won’t be sleeping with him either.

Have an adult conversation and try to reach a consensus. Good Lord.

So you want to give your mom something she doesn't even want, and you're willing to behave like a child in your marriage over it? You need to open your eyes. Your marriage is not in a good place. You and your DH are avoiding discussing a major point of disagreement, and him giving in on this doesn't change that. You're both avoidant and you need help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are various issues at play.

-the dynamics of not having your own income
-what you believe is a reasonable cost for a car
-asking your spouse to support in-laws financially

I stay at home and my spouse earns about $800k. He's spendier by nature than I am so there's that. I noticed you said your husband "lets" you do this or that. You also said that *he* got you your $110k car. Did you not pick out your own car? Change the way you tell yourself these stories. Part of being an equal in the partnership is believing it yourself. He doesn't let you spend money; you decide together that it's OK to spend money. He doesn't buy you a car (unless he bought it without your input); you decide together what your budget is, and then you pick out your own car.

My husband has a $70k car. Cars aren't my thing. I have a $32k car. Obviously my husband would support me getting a $70k car if I wanted one, but I don't. So I spend that money on Disney World instead.

As for supporting your parents, I think the disconnect here is that your husband is such a car snob that it seems like he wants your parents to drive trash because he thinks a $25k car is trash. So it doesn't paint your husband in the best light. But objectively speaking, you can get a perfectly serviceable and functional car for $25k. You should figure out if you are also a car snob, or if you are upset by the implied disrespect to your parents.

That said, you should never take it for granted that your spouse will approve giving away your money to relatives. Approach those conversations carefully and with respect. And keep in mind that he didn't say no to a car . . . he just suggested a budget lower than you apparently desire. That might indicate that he is tiring of these expenses. It may not be about the appropriate price for a car so much as it's about the never-ending asks.

One thing that has helped our dynamics is to give both of us the same amount of fun money. Because I would be so cautious and debate whether to spend $200 on a few items of clothing for myself, and then my husband would buy himself multiple pairs of $200 jeans. This way, if I want something that I feel is extravagant, the money is already there. Or I can save it up and donate it or spend it on a trip or whatever. It emboldens me to treat myself, which is a good thing considering that it's never fun to deny yourself and then look over at your spouse merrily spending without a second thought.

You have painted your husband as being rather ungenerous but the fact is that he approves of spending all this money on your inlaws. That may just not be a bottomless check. He may not view it as being stingy with friends; maybe he just doesn't want people to expect him to pay. Or maybe he thinks it's respectful to treat the other person like an equal who can pay their share of the bill, even if they don't earn millions of dollars a year. My gazillionaire uncle doesn't pay for everyone all the time; he doesn't want to create lazy dependents (I'm not saying that elderly people like your parents are lazy at all . . . this is in reference to his grandchildren).

So stop telling yourself that your husband controls the purse strings and lets you do things. If you want a fancy a$$ car, then own it; don't act like your husband twisted your arm. If you DON'T want a fancy a$$ car, then say so. But I still don't understand what is wrong with getting your parents a $30k car. It sounds like you are mad on principle . . . mad that he is a car snob but doesn't extend that to cars he gifts to struggling relatives. But I think it's like if you flew them to Europe with you, but you bought them coach tickets (assuming they weren't frail and uncomfortable in the seats). Yes, for you, flying in coach is unthinkable. But it's what the vast majority of people do. And even coach tickets cost a lot these days. Or let's say you're flying your teens with you. You want the lie flat seats, but do teenagers need them? You are still being generous even if you gift someone something that's not as luxurious as what you would get yourself. It's still a gift, where none was required.

DH put his name down for a Tesla before/during the pandemic. The wait list for the Tesla was so long that he got another car during the wait time. When the delivery time came, he asked if I wanted it. I didn’t really care. My car was getting kind of old. It is 6 years old. He basically got the Tesla for our family and I am driving it. I don’t really care about cars.

We just spent 40k on spring break. We can very easily buy this car for my parents. DH is expecting a very large influx of money next month and this is before his new bump in compensation. We also have other investments that should have a multi million dollar return. I guess we do talk about money. We just don’t talk about spending it. I usually just do whatever I want as long as it is for the kids and me and not others.

It sounds like your high income has allowed you to avoid talking about an issue where you actually don't agree and you're both uncomfortable. It seems like it's not really about the money for your DH exactly, it's more about the relationship with your parents. He might feel, for example, that it's a fancy car now but soon it'll be another fancy car and then live-in help or a fancy house or a fancy assisted living or supporting other relatives of yours, or whatever. He might feel that it will mess up his relationship with your dad-- men can have certain feelings about that He just doesn't have the same cultural norms that you do, and he's not comfortable with it. It's not about the money for him. It's about whether you're funding ILs' luxuries, or only their necessities. Because if you start in on luxuries there's no end to it.

My dad doesn’t have long to live. This has absolutely nothing to do with my dad. This car will be for my mom to take my dad to doctor appointments.

What difference does it make in their quality of life to have a fancy car versus a merely nice car?

When I give gifts, I try to be thoughtful. I would not want to give an inferior gift, something I would not use.

My mom already said she will probably only drive 1-2 years and she can just fix the current car. She said she doesn’t need a new car. I don’t want my mom driving an old car that keeps breaking down.

We will likely get a car that is around 40k. I gave DH the silent treatment. He didn’t even think this car purchase was an argument. He said I can get them whatever I want.

To all the posters who said it would be different if DH gave much more to his side of the family, I heard you. Thank you for the perspective.

You are coming across more childish with every post.

What do you do when you are mad at your spouse? Guess what? I won’t be sleeping with him either.

I speak to him, like an adult. Your husband didn't even know you were fighting, because this is all in your head. I mostly hate it when people say "I feel sorry for your X" on this board but -- your poor husband. He is paying for your parents' house, their incidentals, their current car, their next car, and according to you "whatever you want for you or the kids" and you're still the way that you are. Seriously, you don't have any reason to be upset, you just want to be. You seem bored. Get a job, or volunteer or something. Manufacturing drama in your own house is no way to live.