Same college, same sorority, many of my prettiest sorority sisters did not marry well. Who did?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went to a grad school program with a lot of wealthy young adults.

The horsey-looking blue blood gals that went to elite day and boarding schools always got married by their late 20s, usually to other guys from the same background. The guys were usually better looking too, so these ladies were hitting above their weight class. Met guys through their social networks, didn’t even bother with the apps. Some were already married and owned a home when we were in grad school. Their lives now are pretty amazing - summers in Maine or Nantucket or North Fork or Newport, winters in Sun Valley or Vail, frequent trips NYC and staying at the family’s pied à terre. All these trips are at homes owned by their wider family.

It’s all about class. A mediocre looking woman from a good family of means can get a “better” man than prettier gals from a middle class background.

And their kids are already being groomed to go into the same private schooling pipeline.

I think people just tend to gravitate towards people like themselves. DH and I both went to top schools. We are children of poor immigrants. Our parents were poor but well educated in their home countries. We get along with other successful people who come from humble beginnings. All our friends are self made and well educated. We are not snobby and down to earth. Some extremely successful love DH’s humility. We have a seven figure income and earn a higher income than most of our friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There were about 160 sisters in my sorority over 20 years ago. Looking back, while some of the prettiest classic beauty sisters married well, frankly, many of them did not. They frequently complain about finances, many are on second marriages, and some are single divorcees dating much older men. A handful never married and have no children – they seem to have successful careers. With the benefit of hindsight, who seems to have married the best? As crazy as this probably sounds, I double-checked this on Facebook last night and literally all of my sisters who went to ritzy private day schools and boarding schools married well. Literally 100%. All of them are married to either successful MDs, law partners, business executives, or entrepreneurs. No divorces. All of them have children. They live in elegant homes, especially for our age range, in premier neighborhoods. And for the sake of total honestly, these sisters were and are largely average appearance-wise. I am not saying that to be cruel or out of jealously, I was also average if not below average for our chapter, and I went to public school.

Is there something to this?

It all looks good on the outside. I’ve seen it too many times where there’s a perfectly painted picture of a beautiful life, etc. Behind closed doors, it’s a $hit show.

To be clear, they are not tacky about on social media. And presumably most of their social media profiles are private, but since we're all college friends, it made my Facebook sleuthing easy. I really just used the little we all share on Facebook to re-confirm what I was piecing together from 20 years of conversations, gossip, and weddings. I just didn't want to make this thread without re-confirming literally 100% of them married well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only thing that you've learned here is that you are shallow and think like a twelve year old. The "prettiest" sisters in your sorority had nothing in common but looks. The sisters who went to the ritziest schools likely had much more in common - coming from UMC or wealthy families, with parents still together, networks of similarly-situated boys/men to interact with, pressure (either healthy or undue) to listen to their parents' advice re: marriage so they aren't cut off, and what amounts to a modern day dowry to attract these successful men. Growing up rich doesn't guarantee a good outcome, but you being shocked that it improves the odds is a little ridiculous.

Good analysis. You sound like a very mean girl OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There were about 160 sisters in my sorority over 20 years ago. Looking back, while some of the prettiest classic beauty sisters married well, frankly, many of them did not. They frequently complain about finances, many are on second marriages, and some are single divorcees dating much older men. A handful never married and have no children – they seem to have successful careers. With the benefit of hindsight, who seems to have married the best? As crazy as this probably sounds, I double-checked this on Facebook last night and literally all of my sisters who went to ritzy private day schools and boarding schools married well. Literally 100%. All of them are married to either successful MDs, law partners, business executives, or entrepreneurs. No divorces. All of them have children. They live in elegant homes, especially for our age range, in premier neighborhoods. And for the sake of total honestly, these sisters were and are largely average appearance-wise. I am not saying that to be cruel or out of jealously, I was also average if not below average for our chapter, and I went to public school.

Is there something to this?

Yes, their families had enough money to send them to private schools and boarding schools, and their potential boyfriends were interested in women with family money or a certain background. Doesn't apply if you are a scholarship or financial aid student at those schools though, or if your parents pay full tuition and have to sacrifice to do so.

A story: I attended a private school but my family scrimped and saved to send me there and it was obvious; never was able to date anyone at my private school, the guys just weren't interested, even though we were friends so I assumed I was not attractive to them or too shy and studious. Attended a decent college on scholarship, lost contact, and then was accepted to a masters degree program at a much more prestigious university, of which my female private school friends were aware.

*One month* after attending the name brand U, I was getting contacted by all three guys I had crushes on in high school. Went out once with two, and it became apparent that *prestigious U* was the reason I was now considered dateable, and took precedence over my more humble family origins. By that point, I had no interest in either of these guys. I have been happily married to my dh for 20 years and he is also from lower middle class family, successful, and we met at work.

OP, many guys are in this for the money or prestige (or their parents want them to be) and it doesn't matter so much how pretty you are, sometimes your background matters more to certain people.

This is the best comment in this thread and got the least amount of responses.

You’re probably hit a sore spot because many umc people are putting their children in this position. UMC people like to conflate themselves with the actual wealthy and it’s sad af.

This country would be a lot better off if educated upper middle class people saw themselves closer to the working class and poor than ultra high networth individuals.

Contrary to popular belief— men do care about status and now more than ever men AND women are looking at the financial background of their partners (both gay and straight).

Op sounds like a little girl who grew up believing in fairy tales.

And everyone is correct that most affluent women are average and basic looking. and might i say- a good number of them are unattractive. They’re just rich.

Kate Middleton made it work. Exception.

[Anonymous]

OP, I enjoyed your armchair longitudinal social analysis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I enjoyed your armchair longitudinal social analysis.

Same here, I appeciate this kind of thing. I am also 20+ years out of a sorority, but am not connected enough to draw any conclusions except that most of them are doing very well!

[Anonymous]

I went to an expensive private school that catered to political families and all the men went on to marry equally educated, well-traveled, bilingual women. They aren’t particularly beautiful women but they share the same life experiences and fit in their families. This is a well-studied phenomenon btw, assortative mating is the reason for increasing, permanent gaps in IQ distribution across the population.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went to an expensive private school that catered to political families and all the men went on to marry equally educated, well-traveled, bilingual women. They aren’t particularly beautiful women but they share the same life experiences and fit in their families. This is a well-studied phenomenon btw, assortative mating is the reason for increasing, permanent gaps in IQ distribution across the population.

This is obvious basically everywhere except on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There were about 160 sisters in my sorority over 20 years ago. Looking back, while some of the prettiest classic beauty sisters married well, frankly, many of them did not. They frequently complain about finances, many are on second marriages, and some are single divorcees dating much older men. A handful never married and have no children – they seem to have successful careers. With the benefit of hindsight, who seems to have married the best? As crazy as this probably sounds, I double-checked this on Facebook last night and literally all of my sisters who went to ritzy private day schools and boarding schools married well. Literally 100%. All of them are married to either successful MDs, law partners, business executives, or entrepreneurs. No divorces. All of them have children. They live in elegant homes, especially for our age range, in premier neighborhoods. And for the sake of total honestly, these sisters were and are largely average appearance-wise. I am not saying that to be cruel or out of jealously, I was also average if not below average for our chapter, and I went to public school.

Is there something to this?

Yes, their families had enough money to send them to private schools and boarding schools, and their potential boyfriends were interested in women with family money or a certain background. Doesn't apply if you are a scholarship or financial aid student at those schools though, or if your parents pay full tuition and have to sacrifice to do so.

A story: I attended a private school but my family scrimped and saved to send me there and it was obvious; never was able to date anyone at my private school, the guys just weren't interested, even though we were friends so I assumed I was not attractive to them or too shy and studious. Attended a decent college on scholarship, lost contact, and then was accepted to a masters degree program at a much more prestigious university, of which my female private school friends were aware.

*One month* after attending the name brand U, I was getting contacted by all three guys I had crushes on in high school. Went out once with two, and it became apparent that *prestigious U* was the reason I was now considered dateable, and took precedence over my more humble family origins. By that point, I had no interest in either of these guys. I have been happily married to my dh for 20 years and he is also from lower middle class family, successful, and we met at work.

OP, many guys are in this for the money or prestige (or their parents want them to be) and it doesn't matter so much how pretty you are, sometimes your background matters more to certain people.

This is the best comment in this thread and got the least amount of responses.

You’re probably hit a sore spot because many umc people are putting their children in this position. UMC people like to conflate themselves with the actual wealthy and it’s sad af.

This country would be a lot better off if educated upper middle class people saw themselves closer to the working class and poor than ultra high networth individuals.

Contrary to popular belief— men do care about status and now more than ever men AND women are looking at the financial background of their partners (both gay and straight).

Op sounds like a little girl who grew up believing in fairy tales.

And everyone is correct that most affluent women are average and basic looking. and might i say- a good number of them are unattractive. They’re just rich.

Come on, you don't actually believe that these three guys all decided they liked PP all of a sudden because she went to a good grad school? Come on! She was probably a late bloomer, or they had girlfriends then didn't have girlfriends, or she was in the paper and it was a good photo - or something. I don't believe in gender essentialism but I will eat my shoe if there is a young man on this good earth who isn't interested in a girl in high school, but has that interest piqued several years later because she's gotten herself into a prestigious post-secondary institution. I'm sorry, but no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, my DD is currently a member of a rather large sorority. I just visited and had dinner with six of them, including my DD. Everyone of these girls are STEM major with three of them pre-med, and while they are magazine gorgeous (so jealous!) the last thing I cared about was their boyfriend status. They talked about their upcoming summer internships, studying abroad and sadly, many family health issues. I know from my DD's photos which she shares that they all have boyfriends but strangely no of them talked about their relationships. I'm guessing it is secondary to them at this time and a "ring in Spring" is not a thing these days. No judgement, great if that happens and both the people involved are committed but please do not label sorority girls as marriage hunting fools. They are so much more these days, so much. Signed a SAHM, loving wife and alumni of said sorority. I am so proud of how far the sorority world has come for these young ladies!

That’s great, but talk to us in ten-twelve years when they’re married with kids and see how many are working full time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are surprised that people with money marry people with money?

+1. Is this really the first time you've noticed this, OP?

None of my public school sorority sisters grew up deprived. Public or prep high school, all of us were more or less from the same cluster of affluent towns. Of course if you force me to think, I guess I understand the richest tend to marry rich, but I've never seen such a close controlled data set where it's literally 100% of the private/prep school women married well and it's so hit and miss with their prettier public school peers. I was shocked last night as I was clicking through Facebook friends, so I thought I'd share. I did not know this was so obvious and common.

Again with the "data set" lingo! Hilarious. What's your control group for determining who is "prettier"? We'd love to know.

My eyes? Beauty standards? And the frank conversations sisters would have about each other. Complimenting the prettiest sisters. The amount of boys we'd see falling in love with our gorgeous sisters. The average-looking sisters being sort of ignored and struggling to get dates to events (this cohort included me!). Those average-looking sisters who went to prep schools all married well.

I'm going to need a shower after reading this thread, but I can't look away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went to an expensive private school that catered to political families and all the men went on to marry equally educated, well-traveled, bilingual women. They aren’t particularly beautiful women but they share the same life experiences and fit in their families. This is a well-studied phenomenon btw, assortative mating is the reason for increasing, permanent gaps in IQ distribution across the population.

This is obvious basically everywhere except on DCUM.

DCUM is basically the only place I've seen where men push this, "guys like a happy, pretty barista from a trailer park who flatters them over someone nice and similarly educated from a good background" narrative.

Which I find particularly weird in DC, which in my circles is like THE land of assortative mating. Besides IQ, it's also why class mobility is at an all time low. Statistically, no, men are not marrying the baristas and high school educated secretaries no matter how many here crow about it being the law of the land. It doesn't bear out in reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went to an expensive private school that catered to political families and all the men went on to marry equally educated, well-traveled, bilingual women. They aren’t particularly beautiful women but they share the same life experiences and fit in their families. This is a well-studied phenomenon btw, assortative mating is the reason for increasing, permanent gaps in IQ distribution across the population.

This is obvious basically everywhere except on DCUM.

DCUM is basically the only place I've seen where men push this, "guys like a happy, pretty barista from a trailer park who flatters them over someone nice and similarly educated from a good background" narrative.

Which I find particularly weird in DC, which in my circles is like THE land of assortative mating. Besides IQ, it's also why class mobility is at an all time low. Statistically, no, men are not marrying the baristas and high school educated secretaries no matter how many here crow about it being the law of the land. It doesn't bear out in reality.

When that topic comes up it’s not that men marry baristas. But it’s not that they are getting excited over the law partner or the ceo either. They are marrying women from good backgrounds that have interesting or flexible careers, but don’t bat an eyelid if they quit later to be SAHMs if they are elite men.

[Anonymous]

And is that surprising? Look at the dude that dumped his baby mother to marry princess Beatrice. She looks terrible, he is handsome and had a gorgeous girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went to an expensive private school that catered to political families and all the men went on to marry equally educated, well-traveled, bilingual women. They aren’t particularly beautiful women but they share the same life experiences and fit in their families. This is a well-studied phenomenon btw, assortative mating is the reason for increasing, permanent gaps in IQ distribution across the population.

This is obvious basically everywhere except on DCUM.

DCUM is basically the only place I've seen where men push this, "guys like a happy, pretty barista from a trailer park who flatters them over someone nice and similarly educated from a good background" narrative.

Which I find particularly weird in DC, which in my circles is like THE land of assortative mating. Besides IQ, it's also why class mobility is at an all time low. Statistically, no, men are not marrying the baristas and high school educated secretaries no matter how many here crow about it being the law of the land. It doesn't bear out in reality.

When that topic comes up it’s not that men marry baristas. But it’s not that they are getting excited over the law partner or the ceo either. They are marrying women from good backgrounds that have interesting or flexible careers, but don’t bat an eyelid if they quit later to be SAHMs if they are elite men.

I think it often settles with the above, but the barista narrative is still very prevalent despite it being basically a fairy tale. I agree with you, it is not uncommon for people to marry others of similar backgrounds who make different career decisions nor are people turned on by a CEO per se, but those people were generally at some point fairly "equal" in status even if they divided labor up differently long term.

I do suspect a lot of the DCUM men pushing the barista narrative are the same guys who drone on and on about being in their 50s, super hot and desirable and how undergrads just love boning them because they are so much better than other options. Maybe they have an outsized presence here, but again, I also don't see a ton of this personally.