Who should help take care of MIL? A very complicated family dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused- who are their children? the sons or the daughters?

I believe the sons and that the sisters-in-law are OP and her DH's brothers' wives, but OP can confirm.

Correct, BIL1, SIL2 and my husband are the adult children.

BIL1 and SIL1 bought my inlaws house where they live with MIL and FIL.

So FIL and MIL have two sons and one daughter?

Or three sons?

Correct, two sons and one daughter.

Why is SIL1, who is not a daughter, responsible for taking care of MIL? That is crazy.

SIL1 agreed to buy the house with BIL1 because (her impression) is that she was doing BIL1 a favor because he wanted to take care of his parents. From my understanding, SIL1 and BIL1 were basically bailing out MIL1 and FIL1 who have been pulling home equity loans every 2-5 years over the past 20 years. The home purchase allowed the home to "stay in the family" which was BIL1 and FIL's wishes. It's been in the family for something like 80+ years. It should have been paid off 50+ years ago but there was snowballing home equity loans. There was very little home equity at the time of purchase and the actual value of the home was unknown because it hadn't been updated in 20+ years. The carpets are decades old.

SIL1, how she came to became the default caregiver, I don't know. BIL1 is very passive and wants to take care of his Dad. So he takes him on vacations and they do alot of things together. SIL1 just kind of accepts it and doesn't really speak out against it, up until very recently when the dynamic has shifted as it's been well over a year since they were supposed to move out and SIL1 is uncomfortable with needing to supervise MIL.

If BIL1 bailed out his parents by buying the house, why does your DH think this means he should provide care.

OP, your post is a PSA. This is why we should all be saving tons of money for our own elder care. Can you imagine - a decades-long spouse, three adult children, and none of them willing to step up and organize good care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PAID CAREGIVERS.
Rotating basis.
Family members can supervise, FIL and SILs.

This is what my MIL with Parkinson’s has had for years. Her caregivers are loyal and caring. My oldest BIL supervises because he lives close by. My husband and I live far away but DH is a doctor and helps coordinate her medical care. And her youngest son drops in and lends a hand every now and then. The caregivers cook, clean, bathe, give meds, massages, and provide company.

Please push for this, the situation is really not fair to your SIL1.

Did your MIL (or BIL if he was in charge of the finances) tell you how much the caregivers cost?

No. But I know that MIL’s finances barely cover the caregiving costs, so her three sons need to contribute to her living expenses. Which we are all happy to do, not because we’re rich, but because she deserves it.

These caregivers are not official geriatric aides, so they’re probably not expensive. I doubt they’re licensed or whatever the term is. I don’t know what the tax situation is. My MIL chose them herself a decade ago when she recognized she would need extensive care, and there’s a relationship of trust. We all love them and treat them well. It’s really all thanks to MIL, who foresaw her decline and knows how to choose people.

Troll post. You said there are 2 sons and 1 daughter. Now there are 3 sons?

[Anonymous]

Different poster, PP. Not OP.

[Anonymous]

If I was your SIL1, I would resent this whole family too and consider divorce. She has no obligation to provide elder care for someone who clearly needs professional help. Get your MIL into a good facility asap or everyone in your family will resent each other. Ask me how I know? My MIL and FIL have been guilt tripping their daughter into providing elder care for a decade and she guilts her siblings into helping her through their many crises. Both of her siblings partners (including me) resent it and feel disregarded. No one likes each other, and it’s sad to have in laws who are more selfish to feed the denial of elderly parents than people who give a crap about everyone’s wellbeing. Give a crap about your SIL1 and stop the madness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused- who are their children? the sons or the daughters?

I believe the sons and that the sisters-in-law are OP and her DH's brothers' wives, but OP can confirm.

Correct, BIL1, SIL2 and my husband are the adult children.

BIL1 and SIL1 bought my inlaws house where they live with MIL and FIL.

So FIL and MIL have two sons and one daughter?

Or three sons?

Correct, two sons and one daughter.

Why is SIL1, who is not a daughter, responsible for taking care of MIL? That is crazy.

SIL1 agreed to buy the house with BIL1 because (her impression) is that she was doing BIL1 a favor because he wanted to take care of his parents. From my understanding, SIL1 and BIL1 were basically bailing out MIL1 and FIL1 who have been pulling home equity loans every 2-5 years over the past 20 years. The home purchase allowed the home to "stay in the family" which was BIL1 and FIL's wishes. It's been in the family for something like 80+ years. It should have been paid off 50+ years ago but there was snowballing home equity loans. There was very little home equity at the time of purchase and the actual value of the home was unknown because it hadn't been updated in 20+ years. The carpets are decades old.

SIL1, how she came to became the default caregiver, I don't know. BIL1 is very passive and wants to take care of his Dad. So he takes him on vacations and they do alot of things together. SIL1 just kind of accepts it and doesn't really speak out against it, up until very recently when the dynamic has shifted as it's been well over a year since they were supposed to move out and SIL1 is uncomfortable with needing to supervise MIL.

If BIL1 bailed out his parents by buying the house, why does your DH think this means he should provide care.

OP, your post is a PSA. This is why we should all be saving tons of money for our own elder care. Can you imagine - a decades-long spouse, three adult children, and none of them willing to step up and organize good care.

+2! Awful situation. FIL needs to get his head out of the sand and lead the charge on coordinating care for MIL that does NOT involve dumping her on SIL1 because he wants to go on weekend jaunts and can’t be bothered. WTAF. If I were her I would take a long trip away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused- who are their children? the sons or the daughters?

I believe the sons and that the sisters-in-law are OP and her DH's brothers' wives, but OP can confirm.

Correct, BIL1, SIL2 and my husband are the adult children.

BIL1 and SIL1 bought my inlaws house where they live with MIL and FIL.

So FIL and MIL have two sons and one daughter?

Or three sons?

Correct, two sons and one daughter.

Why is SIL1, who is not a daughter, responsible for taking care of MIL? That is crazy.

SIL1 agreed to buy the house with BIL1 because (her impression) is that she was doing BIL1 a favor because he wanted to take care of his parents. From my understanding, SIL1 and BIL1 were basically bailing out MIL1 and FIL1 who have been pulling home equity loans every 2-5 years over the past 20 years. The home purchase allowed the home to "stay in the family" which was BIL1 and FIL's wishes. It's been in the family for something like 80+ years. It should have been paid off 50+ years ago but there was snowballing home equity loans. There was very little home equity at the time of purchase and the actual value of the home was unknown because it hadn't been updated in 20+ years. The carpets are decades old.

SIL1, how she came to became the default caregiver, I don't know. BIL1 is very passive and wants to take care of his Dad. So he takes him on vacations and they do alot of things together. SIL1 just kind of accepts it and doesn't really speak out against it, up until very recently when the dynamic has shifted as it's been well over a year since they were supposed to move out and SIL1 is uncomfortable with needing to supervise MIL.

If BIL1 bailed out his parents by buying the house, why does your DH think this means he should provide care.

OP, your post is a PSA. This is why we should all be saving tons of money for our own elder care. Can you imagine - a decades-long spouse, three adult children, and none of them willing to step up and organize good care.

+2! Awful situation. FIL needs to get his head out of the sand and lead the charge on coordinating care for MIL that does NOT involve dumping her on SIL1 because he wants to go on weekend jaunts and can’t be bothered. WTAF. If I were her I would take a long trip away.

It sounds like FIL/MIL have money issues if they had ti be bailed out in the house. So there probably isn’t money for actual care. They probably need to sell the second property and put that money towards care at the current house where they all live together. That was it’s not such a burden on SIL.

[Anonymous]

I still don’t understand how your MIL needs round the clock care from her kids, but you think professional live in care is still ten years away. Aren’t they effectively the same thing?? Either you need someone there constantly to change your sheets and bedpans and feed you, or your don’t.

[Anonymous]

I think SIL1 really got the short end of the stick here. She got talked into buying a house that she can’t get the original owners out of. Poor woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I was your SIL1, I would resent this whole family too and consider divorce. She has no obligation to provide elder care for someone who clearly needs professional help. Get your MIL into a good facility asap or everyone in your family will resent each other. Ask me how I know? My MIL and FIL have been guilt tripping their daughter into providing elder care for a decade and she guilts her siblings into helping her through their many crises. Both of her siblings partners (including me) resent it and feel disregarded. No one likes each other, and it’s sad to have in laws who are more selfish to feed the denial of elderly parents than people who give a crap about everyone’s wellbeing. Give a crap about your SIL1 and stop the madness.

Wait, your SIL has been providing care for a decade and is asking her siblings to help and YOU feel resentful. Just WOW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PAID CAREGIVERS.
Rotating basis.
Family members can supervise, FIL and SILs.

This is what my MIL with Parkinson’s has had for years. Her caregivers are loyal and caring. My oldest BIL supervises because he lives close by. My husband and I live far away but DH is a doctor and helps coordinate her medical care. And her youngest son drops in and lends a hand every now and then. The caregivers cook, clean, bathe, give meds, massages, and provide company.

Please push for this, the situation is really not fair to your SIL1.

Did your MIL (or BIL if he was in charge of the finances) tell you how much the caregivers cost?

No. But I know that MIL’s finances barely cover the caregiving costs, so her three sons need to contribute to her living expenses. Which we are all happy to do, not because we’re rich, but because she deserves it.

These caregivers are not official geriatric aides, so they’re probably not expensive. I doubt they’re licensed or whatever the term is. I don’t know what the tax situation is. My MIL chose them herself a decade ago when she recognized she would need extensive care, and there’s a relationship of trust. We all love them and treat them well. It’s really all thanks to MIL, who foresaw her decline and knows how to choose people.

Troll post. You said there are 2 sons and 1 daughter. Now there are 3 sons?

The pp responding is a separate poster who shared about her MIL with Parkinson’s who engaged dedicated caregivers. Reading comprehension is key if you’re going to start launching accusations.