I made a huge mistake. Never should have Married DH. Now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is clear that OP is responsible for a very large share of the dysfunction and refuses to acknowledge it. Not much more that can be said in this thread.

She seems to over-react to a lot of small stuff but he seems like a loser with a jerky family. Try counseling for a bit since you have a baby but I’m not sure that there’s much there to save. You might both be better people away fro each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If these are your worst examples, you are not ready to divorce. You likely need a marriage counselor to help you talk through all this.

If my MIL asked me about dinner, when I just had a baby, I would be annoyed beyond belief. But I wouldn’t cut her off.

Families have different norms about hospital stuff. My husband was surprised when I said I didn’t want family in the waiting room while I gave birth. He acquiesced, but it was very surprising to him. I was shocked when his family all came and sat around the hospital for 8 hours while our kid has brain surgery. It was not helpful to me in the slightest, but it meant a lot to my husband. Neither of us was right or wrong.

It sounds like your husband actually does what you want. But then he takes some jabs at you about it. That isn’t cool and that is what you need to work on.

Op here. You are right. He will generally do what I ask re: his family, but then I will hear about it for years later.
It is also very much communicated to his family that this is what I want, not what WE have decided works for us. He is just the messenger.
He reminded me this week that I was a b to his family, and that it was almost a dealbreaker to him and he contemplated leaving me.
I'm not going to be paraded into the town square for a flogging every year for the rest of our lives.

So you have demands that he doesn't support regarding his family, and that he goes along with only to keep the peace, but then you also want him to take the fall for it with his family? Wowza. If you don't care for his family, or really care about them or what they think, why do you also need him to say it's his idea, too (when it obviously isn't)?

I think it is important to be a united family front. Especially if its a topic that will be received negatively. For example, Hey mom and siblings, this is what we have decided works for us.
Versus, Hey mom and siblings, this is what Rita says she wants to do, So i'm just letting you know.

He doesn't agree with you. Simple as

[Anonymous]

OP, if you're still reading this thread: Some posters, I suspect the same person or a very few people, keep coming back again and again to blame you and to call you names. I'm sorry. There are people out there who come onto threads just to insult and blame OPs, especially OPs who are women talking about husbands' behaviors. I truly recommend that you leave this site and get into therapy as fast as you possibly can--individual therapy, not couples therapy at this point (or maybe ever). You will have some tough times ahead as you assess whether there is anything to save or whether to leave or whether to tell your DH you both need marital counseling or whatever. But you need not to listen to the trolls who come here just to bash and blame.

Spend your time instead finding outside help and someone to listen to you objectively and determine the dynamic that's going on and where both of you are feeding it. Use the list of therapists your insurance company covers but be aware that you may not be able to get in with one of them (it's hard to find therapy right now, many doctors are swamped). Contact a Women's Center for informaiton on sliding scale or "pay what you can" therapy. Look at online therapy but check that sources are reputable. Look up "grey rock" in relationships and see if that can help temporarily to cool down things and get you some calm space as you consider this relationship and what its future looks like.

[Anonymous]

It seems like there is no effort on your part to understand your husband's culture or family values.

It also seems you've been quite nasty in the past to at least brother.


You're going to have to find a way to compromise and realize you don't get your way all the time.

Understand that your husband wanting different things doesn't mean he doesn't support you just different values.

And it really doesn't matter if you are married to him or not because even if you divorce you will have to cooperate and coparent with him.

If you marry a different man you will still have to learn to compromise

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem a bit dramatic OP

More than a bit. She sounds completely histrionic.

True. Probably constant family drama is pushing her over the edge. Mothers with small children are often volatile due to hormones and lack of sleep, additional stress can be too much to handle.

This is all so sexist. Op gave a poor example of the offending behavior but the fact that her dh always sides with his family and never her says everything. She implied that bil has been rude to her many times and he could have humiliated her in front of others wrt her child.

I would consider divorce in this case because your dh is telling you that you are less than everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP, if you're still reading this thread: Some posters, I suspect the same person or a very few people, keep coming back again and again to blame you and to call you names. I'm sorry. There are people out there who come onto threads just to insult and blame OPs, especially OPs who are women talking about husbands' behaviors. I truly recommend that you leave this site and get into therapy as fast as you possibly can--individual therapy, not couples therapy at this point (or maybe ever). You will have some tough times ahead as you assess whether there is anything to save or whether to leave or whether to tell your DH you both need marital counseling or whatever. But you need not to listen to the trolls who come here just to bash and blame.

Spend your time instead finding outside help and someone to listen to you objectively and determine the dynamic that's going on and where both of you are feeding it. Use the list of therapists your insurance company covers but be aware that you may not be able to get in with one of them (it's hard to find therapy right now, many doctors are swamped). Contact a Women's Center for informaiton on sliding scale or "pay what you can" therapy. Look at online therapy but check that sources are reputable. Look up "grey rock" in relationships and see if that can help temporarily to cool down things and get you some calm space as you consider this relationship and what its future looks like.

+100. Op this place is horrible to women.

[Anonymous]

Umm I’m a woman (and a mom) and I think she’s overreacting to everything she’s described. I think she needs a lot of attention, his family is over it, and she needs to grow out of that. I can only imagine what her wedding was like. Highly recommend couples therapy for you op.

[Anonymous]

Op do what the pp said and get counseling for yourself and prepare yourself to divorce your dh.

I went through the exact same birth issues but I had premature multiples. My ils started fights at the hospital the day I gave birth. Everything I did was wrong and was openly criticized. These are some of the most ignorant, hateful people I have ever met but they are 100% fake. Dh finally got fed up with them and laid down the law but they are selfish asses and nothing would get them to stop. We have no relationship with them and given what they have done to one another in the years since, we aren't sad about it.

[Anonymous]

Hmm? Still waiting! Still waiting for OP or any of her defenders to address this point:

If my ILs were horrible/rude, I would want to see ***less of them,*** and I wouldn't want them around my baby. I would do cartwheels for every time I didn't have to see them. Heck, my ILs are all-around very nice and fairly unproblematic, and I would still like to see less of them. So please, by all means: take a shot and rationally try to explain to me how OP is justified in thinking they are horrible people, AND wanting them to visit/hold/give gifts more? I would love to see you try to make sense of that. Can you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmm? Still waiting! Still waiting for OP or any of her defenders to address this point:

If my ILs were horrible/rude, I would want to see ***less of them,*** and I wouldn't want them around my baby. I would do cartwheels for every time I didn't have to see them. Heck, my ILs are all-around very nice and fairly unproblematic, and I would still like to see less of them. So please, by all means: take a shot and rationally try to explain to me how OP is justified in thinking they are horrible people, AND wanting them to visit/hold/give gifts more? I would love to see you try to make sense of that. Can you?

NP. I understand OP’s feelings. She wants her IL’s to magically become close family who treat her well and instantly bond with her. She also wants them to read her mind and be on the same page with her, which is controlling and immature. Maybe she just needs to grow up a little. I understand her feelings more than yours ie wanting to see less of your IL’s who are very nice. That’s just strange to me.

[Anonymous]

I’m not holding babies right now because of COVID. Why do you want a bunch of people holding your newborn during a pandemic? Maybe he was worried he would t be good at keeping the baby from crying? I’ve also said no from holding babies due to shoulder pain.

He came to the baptism. Isn’t that enough?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Taking down holiday decorations. He cannot find the card sent by his sister. He just accused me of throwing it away.
"I know this sounds stupid and petty but I would not put it past you to purposely throw away the card my sister sent"
Is this real life.

This is insane. Like petty BS fights between two eight year old siblings.

Did you throw away the card though? My eight year old sibling would totally do that to be passive aggressive and spiteful. Sounds about right.

Of. Course. Not.
The accusation is absurd and goes to my point of I am always to blame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other than his mom and brother, what else is a mistake? Honestly that all sounds annoying, but not enough to divorce over. Especially if you don't see them every day or even every week.

It's not just about the annoying things. It is the mindset that his family can do no wrong. They always get the benefit of the doubt and I get none.
Boundaries- his words are that families with boundaries are not close families. That is a quote.
The way he treats his family vs mine. My family is consistent and predictably helpful. His is not. A good example of this. My mom has sent us a check every month since birth for our baby- to spend however we see fit. He nods, says nothing, Certainly does not call or text her thank you.
His mom sent one toy and a book. He told me I needed to call her or write a thank you note. Double standards.
Also, he was unemployed/underemployed for a long time. I sent him job posting after job posting. He rejected 99% of them. Said he would rather hold out for a dream job than settle.
By settle, you mean contribute to your family's bills. I lost a lot of respect for him after that. I busted my ass to be the sole provider for almost a year, with a new baby.
Because he didnt want to settle for a job that was not interesting to him.

Did he end up finding the kind of job he wanted?

Yes he did. One year that I was the sole provider. The job he found is in the area in which he wanted to be, albeit making half of his prior salary.
He never sat down and asked me if he could/how it would impact our family for him to be unemployed for a year. No recognition of the pressure and stress on me as the sole breadwinner and returning to work from parental leave.
I was holding my breath and busting my butt to make sure my job and health insurance for the family remained secure. I begged him to take on something less than "dreamy" to build back up savings and resume experience.
Nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems like there is no effort on your part to understand your husband's culture or family values.

It also seems you've been quite nasty in the past to at least brother.


You're going to have to find a way to compromise and realize you don't get your way all the time.

Understand that your husband wanting different things doesn't mean he doesn't support you just different values.

And it really doesn't matter if you are married to him or not because even if you divorce you will have to cooperate and coparent with him.

If you marry a different man you will still have to learn to compromise

Or am I expected to absorb his family's expectations and values?
Brother lamented that a female child of ours would be a b#itch. HELLO. How many of you would want a relationship with someone who said that at a baptism and refused to touch or interact with the baby?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem a bit dramatic OP

More than a bit. She sounds completely histrionic.

True. Probably constant family drama is pushing her over the edge. Mothers with small children are often volatile due to hormones and lack of sleep, additional stress can be too much to handle.

This is all so sexist. Op gave a poor example of the offending behavior but the fact that her dh always sides with his family and never her says everything. She implied that bil has been rude to her many times and he could have humiliated her in front of others wrt her child.

I would consider divorce in this case because your dh is telling you that you are less than everyone else.

Thank you. A good example is MIL coming over to our home and taking pictures off of walls, rearranging furniture. I looked at DH and gave him a signal, basically saying wtf is she doing tell her to stop.
He pulled me aside and said "Why can't you just let her do whatever she wants, if it makes her happy? She's had a tough few years with losing dad. If it brings her some joy, just let her do it."

That sums up the family dynamic. No boundaries. I am supposed to not have my own opinion and just do whatever they want.