Father not involved in child’s life

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP here. He told her to abort the child and she was hesitant. In the end, she decided to keep the baby. He never asked about her during the pregnancy or his son until now. When she met him, he was separated from his ex-wife and was always involved with his other 2 children. He was really hands on and a doting father to them. But if he can be loving towards the children of his ex, why can’t he be loving towards his own son as well? That’s the confusing part.

My friend talks about this, so it’s not like I’m involving myself in her business. Would it be a good idea if one of my friend’s parent meets her ex and confronts him about why he is not involved in his son’s life?

Usually, I'm on women's side but since we want the right to abortion, women need to own their reproductive decisions. He had no say in it, she made a decision in her own so she should deal with the consequences. He already had children and didn't want any more, why should he pay for her choice to trap him into having another one.

This isn’t right either. He made the decision to take financial responsibility when he made the decision to have unprotected sex. He doesn’t get to not pay child support. Sucks for his existing family but this is his doing too. If you don’t want a baby don’t have sex without protection.

Yes but why a man doesn't get any say in abortion? Just like theyshould be able to force women to carry children, they shouldn't be forced to be fathers to kids they didn't want? Just playing devil's advocate.

Because it isn’t their body. A wife doesn’t get any say in whether their husband has a vasectomy or a triple bypass. It’s his body. She can give her opinion but has no decision making right unless he is incapacitated and she is his legally designated proxy. This is a cornerstone of health care.

100% but should a man be held responsible for life long responsibilities and sponsoring if a woman who isn't a wife, wants to keep the child?

and declines abortion

Yes. He makes the decision at the time of unprotected sex. She makes the decision then and again past the until abortion deadline. It’s not equal. That’s just the way it is bc abortion is legal and she is the one carrying the pregnancy and facing the health consequences of pregnancy and childbirth.

I get that abortion decision making rights shouldn't be equal because it only involves one party's body but if an accident happens with a condom and woman wasn't truthful about her birth control and wants to trap the guy with a baby, is it fair to punish him?

It’s not punishment to understand that you can inseminate a woman even if you are practicing birth control. It happens. Be a man and step up.

Be a man and step up for woman's wrongdoing? How sexist!

A woman’s wrongdoing? Did she inseminate herself? Be a man and father the child you created.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He told her to abort the child and she was hesitant. In the end, she decided to keep the baby. He never asked about her during the pregnancy or his son until now. When she met him, he was separated from his ex-wife and was always involved with his other 2 children. He was really hands on and a doting father to them. But if he can be loving towards the children of his ex, why can’t he be loving towards his own son as well? That’s the confusing part.

My friend talks about this, so it’s not like I’m involving myself in her business. Would it be a good idea if one of my friend’s parent meets her ex and confronts him about why he is not involved in his son’s life?

Usually, I'm on women's side but since we want the right to abortion, women need to own their reproductive decisions. He had no say in it, she made a decision in her own so she should deal with the consequences. He already had children and didn't want any more, why should he pay for her choice to trap him into having another one.

This isn’t right either. He made the decision to take financial responsibility when he made the decision to have unprotected sex. He doesn’t get to not pay child support. Sucks for his existing family but this is his doing too. If you don’t want a baby don’t have sex without protection.

Yes but why a man doesn't get any say in abortion? Just like theyshould be able to force women to carry children, they shouldn't be forced to be fathers to kids they didn't want? Just playing devil's advocate.

Because it isn’t their body. A wife doesn’t get any say in whether their husband has a vasectomy or a triple bypass. It’s his body. She can give her opinion but has no decision making right unless he is incapacitated and she is his legally designated proxy. This is a cornerstone of health care.

100% but should a man be held responsible for life long responsibilities and sponsoring if a woman who isn't a wife, wants to keep the child?

and declines abortion

Yes. He makes the decision at the time of unprotected sex. She makes the decision then and again past the until abortion deadline. It’s not equal. That’s just the way it is bc abortion is legal and she is the one carrying the pregnancy and facing the health consequences of pregnancy and childbirth.

I get that abortion decision making rights shouldn't be equal because it only involves one party's body but if an accident happens with a condom and woman wasn't truthful about her birth control and wants to trap the guy with a baby, is it fair to punish him?

It’s not punishment to understand that you can inseminate a woman even if you are practicing birth control. It happens. Be a man and step up.

Be a man and step up for woman's wrongdoing? How sexist!

Not agreeing with a man is not “wrongdoing”.

[Anonymous]

She needs to file for child support and do a paternity test. Are you sure it's this guy's child? There may be a lot more to the story she is not telling you.

[Anonymous]

I just feel for the child, neither parent seems fit for parenting. Lets hope they find a good solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He told her to abort the child and she was hesitant. In the end, she decided to keep the baby. He never asked about her during the pregnancy or his son until now. When she met him, he was separated from his ex-wife and was always involved with his other 2 children. He was really hands on and a doting father to them. But if he can be loving towards the children of his ex, why can’t he be loving towards his own son as well? That’s the confusing part.

My friend talks about this, so it’s not like I’m involving myself in her business. Would it be a good idea if one of my friend’s parent meets her ex and confronts him about why he is not involved in his son’s life?

Usually, I'm on women's side but since we want the right to abortion, women need to own their reproductive decisions. He had no say in it, she made a decision in her own so she should deal with the consequences. He already had children and didn't want any more, why should he pay for her choice to trap him into having another one.

This isn’t right either. He made the decision to take financial responsibility when he made the decision to have unprotected sex. He doesn’t get to not pay child support. Sucks for his existing family but this is his doing too. If you don’t want a baby don’t have sex without protection.

Yes but why a man doesn't get any say in abortion? Just like theyshould be able to force women to carry children, they shouldn't be forced to be fathers to kids they didn't want? Just playing devil's advocate.

Because it isn’t their body. A wife doesn’t get any say in whether their husband has a vasectomy or a triple bypass. It’s his body. She can give her opinion but has no decision making right unless he is incapacitated and she is his legally designated proxy. This is a cornerstone of health care.

100% but should a man be held responsible for life long responsibilities and sponsoring if a woman who isn't a wife, wants to keep the child?

Yes if he’s having sex. He is allowed to abstain from sex.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He told her to abort the child and she was hesitant. In the end, she decided to keep the baby. He never asked about her during the pregnancy or his son until now. When she met him, he was separated from his ex-wife and was always involved with his other 2 children. He was really hands on and a doting father to them. But if he can be loving towards the children of his ex, why can’t he be loving towards his own son as well? That’s the confusing part.

My friend talks about this, so it’s not like I’m involving myself in her business. Would it be a good idea if one of my friend’s parent meets her ex and confronts him about why he is not involved in his son’s life?

Usually, I'm on women's side but since we want the right to abortion, women need to own their reproductive decisions. He had no say in it, she made a decision in her own so she should deal with the consequences. He already had children and didn't want any more, why should he pay for her choice to trap him into having another one.

They both chose to have sex. She was the only one who decided that sex act should lead to a child being brought into the world. He was clear he didn't want that. She made that decision single handedly and so now the bulk of the responsibility for the choice she alone made to bring a child into the world is on her.


This isn’t right either. He made the decision to take financial responsibility when he made the decision to have unprotected sex. He doesn’t get to not pay child support. Sucks for his existing family but this is his doing too. If you don’t want a baby don’t have sex without protection.

Yes but why a man doesn't get any say in abortion? Just like theyshould be able to force women to carry children, they shouldn't be forced to be fathers to kids they didn't want? Just playing devil's advocate.

Because it isn’t their body. A wife doesn’t get any say in whether their husband has a vasectomy or a triple bypass. It’s his body. She can give her opinion but has no decision making right unless he is incapacitated and she is his legally designated proxy. This is a cornerstone of health care.

100% but should a man be held responsible for life long responsibilities and sponsoring if a woman who isn't a wife, wants to keep the child?

Yes if he’s having sex. He is allowed to abstain from sex.

Absolutely correct and valid for her as well. More so for him as he was clearly older, legally still a husband and a father.

She could have abstained but she’s taking responsibility (currently solely supporting the child) and he is not. He’s going to have to either step up or pay up.

[Anonymous]

They both chose to have sex. She was the only one who decided that sex act should lead to a child being brought into the world. He was clear he didn't want that. She made that decision single handedly and so now the bulk of the responsibility for the choice she alone made to bring a child into the world is on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They both chose to have sex. She was the only one who decided that sex act should lead to a child being brought into the world. He was clear he didn't want that. She made that decision single handedly and so now the bulk of the responsibility for the choice she alone made to bring a child into the world is on her.

Nope, the sex act itself decides that. Birds and bees.

He may legally only be on the hook for child support, but it’s wrong ethically to turn his back on his own child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just feel for the child, neither parent seems fit for parenting. Lets hope they find a good solution.

I’m not sure why you think the mom isn’t fit for parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They both chose to have sex. She was the only one who decided that sex act should lead to a child being brought into the world. He was clear he didn't want that. She made that decision single handedly and so now the bulk of the responsibility for the choice she alone made to bring a child into the world is on her.

Nope, the sex act itself decides that. Birds and bees.

He may legally only be on the hook for child support, but it’s wrong ethically to turn his back on his own child.

Nope, birds and bees and sex act doesn't directly lead to the birth of a child. You really think that sex is the final decision when it comes to birth? Many women have sex and get pregnant and don't have a child. They make a different choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He told her to abort the child and she was hesitant. In the end, she decided to keep the baby. He never asked about her during the pregnancy or his son until now. When she met him, he was separated from his ex-wife and was always involved with his other 2 children. He was really hands on and a doting father to them. But if he can be loving towards the children of his ex, why can’t he be loving towards his own son as well? That’s the confusing part.

My friend talks about this, so it’s not like I’m involving myself in her business. Would it be a good idea if one of my friend’s parent meets her ex and confronts him about why he is not involved in his son’s life?

I'm a woman and I can see that there's nothing confusing about it at all. He is loving and involved with his older kids because he wanted them. He's not loving and involved with your friends kid because he didn't want a kid with someone that he'd known briefly. And that's likely never going to change.

Your friend can get child support, but that's all she's getting from him. She needs to assemble her village with her own family and friends. She made a choice to be a single parent and now she, unfortunately for the kid, will have to be just that.

+1.

+2. Sucks all around, but she made a unilateral choice to keep the pregnancy knowing he didn’t want to be involved. He is making a unilateral choice not to be involved. I’m not sure what she thought was going to happen - that he’d come around? - but both have to live with the choices they’ve made. It really is that simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They both chose to have sex. She was the only one who decided that sex act should lead to a child being brought into the world. He was clear he didn't want that. She made that decision single handedly and so now the bulk of the responsibility for the choice she alone made to bring a child into the world is on her.

Nope, the sex act itself decides that. Birds and bees.

He may legally only be on the hook for child support, but it’s wrong ethically to turn his back on his own child.

Nope, birds and bees and sex act doesn't directly lead to the birth of a child. You really think that sex is the final decision when it comes to birth? Many women have sex and get pregnant and don't have a child. They make a different choice.

Of course sex can lead to the birth of a child. This is a silly semantics game. He knew there was a chance of a pregnancy resulting from his sex act and doesn’t get a pass here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He told her to abort the child and she was hesitant. In the end, she decided to keep the baby. He never asked about her during the pregnancy or his son until now. When she met him, he was separated from his ex-wife and was always involved with his other 2 children. He was really hands on and a doting father to them. But if he can be loving towards the children of his ex, why can’t he be loving towards his own son as well? That’s the confusing part.

My friend talks about this, so it’s not like I’m involving myself in her business. Would it be a good idea if one of my friend’s parent meets her ex and confronts him about why he is not involved in his son’s life?

I'm a woman and I can see that there's nothing confusing about it at all. He is loving and involved with his older kids because he wanted them. He's not loving and involved with your friends kid because he didn't want a kid with someone that he'd known briefly. And that's likely never going to change.

Your friend can get child support, but that's all she's getting from him. She needs to assemble her village with her own family and friends. She made a choice to be a single parent and now she, unfortunately for the kid, will have to be just that.

I agree. She probably thought he would come around.

She can file for child support, but she cannot make him be involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He told her to abort the child and she was hesitant. In the end, she decided to keep the baby. He never asked about her during the pregnancy or his son until now. When she met him, he was separated from his ex-wife and was always involved with his other 2 children. He was really hands on and a doting father to them. But if he can be loving towards the children of his ex, why can’t he be loving towards his own son as well? That’s the confusing part.

My friend talks about this, so it’s not like I’m involving myself in her business. Would it be a good idea if one of my friend’s parent meets her ex and confronts him about why he is not involved in his son’s life?

I'm a woman and I can see that there's nothing confusing about it at all. He is loving and involved with his older kids because he wanted them. He's not loving and involved with your friends kid because he didn't want a kid with someone that he'd known briefly. And that's likely never going to change.

Your friend can get child support, but that's all she's getting from him. She needs to assemble her village with her own family and friends. She made a choice to be a single parent and now she, unfortunately for the kid, will have to be just that.

+1.

+2. Sucks all around, but she made a unilateral choice to keep the pregnancy knowing he didn’t want to be involved. He is making a unilateral choice not to be involved. I’m not sure what she thought was going to happen - that he’d come around? - but both have to live with the choices they’ve made. It really is that simple.

It’s the child who has to live with the choices, and it’s perfectly fair to acknowledge that the dad in question here is failing his child. Can anything be done beyond her demanding child support? No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's friend is probably young and naive and signed up for more than she can chew.

Op too sounds young.

Naive maybe, but not young. I'm guessing probably 30 probably wanted a husband and thought this guy was great and his ex just didn't understand him. Was impressed about how great of a father he was, thought I'd question how much she actually saw him in that role in less than 6 months of dating.
She wanted a kid and a couple of her girlfriends got a ring by 30 with oops pregnancies.
She gambled and it didn't work out.
The kid can be fine.
But mom needs to stop the pity party.