WWYD (stand your ground or give in but stay on good terms)?
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Anonymous
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I will try to keep it short.
My spouse and I came to this country through his job. My green card was dependent on his. While we were waiting for our green cards, we would often fight and eventually relationship soured to the point of separation. He was often mean to me; I was caring for a small child and was not authorized to work so it all created an unhealthy dynamic. However he never did anything super bad, for example, he could have divorced me long ago, and I would have had to go back to our native country. After we got our green cards and separated he mellowed out significantly. He always paid child support though we never had any official orders. It is under the guidelines but is sufficient to cover the rent for me and child. I have a job now, but I didn’t work for a long time due to visa restrictions. We are now officially divorcing. He is asking me (or rather, demanding) that we make an agreement which only states about half of what he is currently paying me, and will pay the rest under the table, so to speak. This will also be significantly below the guidelines for child and spousal. He also does not want to share his 401k and equity he acquired while working here (in his mind, this is his money). He is also the type of person who cannot stand anything he perceives as pressure. If I start fighting him, our fairly amicable relationship will be ruined. If I agree to what he suggests, I will still be able to revisit the agreement and ask the court for new orders, if he tries not to pay (in terms of child support and maybe even spousal). I will give up the rights to redivision of the common property but it is not a lot, maybe tens of thousands. However, I have a good chance of staying on amicable terms with him, and he will most likely keep paying and if need be he will help me out with college costs for the child, health insurance and such. I guess what I am trying to ask is... am I making a terrible mistake thinking that I can swing it without fighting too much? He is always responsive to gratitude, he wants to be seen as a generous dad and person, so what if I play this card instead of fighting tooth and nail for everything? Again, I WILL have some leverage over how much he is paying in case he walks back on his promise to pay more than is stated in the agreement. Honestly, I don’t want to fight, I am tired, I am finally free to be gainfully employed and I want to turn this page and live my life. He doesn’t spite me with custody and such so I don’t want to open that can of worms. Appreciate any and all thoughts! |
Anonymous
| Omg honey you need a lawyer.you are entitled to half of everything he earned while you were married. And don’t agree to this under the table stuff. That could be tax evasion. Fight for as much as you deserve under the law. |
Anonymous
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I too have a difficult husband and cannot work because of visa/pending green card issues.Your scenario is my nightmare. I would be VERY concerned that you will need to act subserviently for decades to get help (financial or otherwise) from this person. You see what I mean? Cajoling, flattering, etc, because you're afraid to stick up for yourself and your child. On the other hand, I don't know what easy/cheap recourse you have if he decides to simply not pay child support. How likely is it, and what power do US courts have for such parents? Actually, this is why I don't plan on divorcing yet. I have far more power in the relationship now while I stay than if I go. Best of luck, OP. Few people realize how vulnerable trailing spouses are in such situations. |
Anonymous
| Lawyer, ASAP. Good luck |
Anonymous
| I know a lot of women who gave up the money they were entitled to in order to keep the peace. Every single one of them regrets it. |
Anonymous
| OP, do you want to be here? Or would you prefer to go back home with your child? I would encourage you to find a lawyer that deals with these kinds of situations because it has the potential to get very complicated if you want to move. |
Anonymous
Court ordered child support is withdrawn directly from his paycheck and deposited in her account. That’s the recourse she has if she stands up for herself. If she agrees to this under-the table BS she’s at his mercy every single F—ing month until her child is an adult. Don’t be stupid, OP. Ask for what you’re entitled to under the guidelines — half of retirement and assets, ALL the child support you’re entitled to. You might have several hard months where he’s pissed and annoyed at you but things will calm down and it will be your new normal. The alternative is to walk on eggshells and hope he decides to throw scraps your way for years to come. |
Anonymous
| Horrible idea. Get a lawyer pronto. |
Anonymous
| ^^ and once he finds a girlfriend/new wife you’ll be completely screwed because she will do everything in her power to keep the money to be spent on her (and any DCs they have). |
Anonymous
| OP are you the RSU poster? |
Anonymous
I am not planning to move, and moving will be a separate issue if it comes up. Right now it’s only money. |
Anonymous
| Op here: I have consulted a lawyer and she said I can always apply for the review of child support if he stops paying what he promised to pay. So there are ways to get at least what I am getting now. |
Anonymous
Get your green card and then decide if you want to divorce. It all depends on your ability to stay in a hostile relationship with your ex-spouse. For me it is not easy. |
Anonymous
| I haven’t read your post slowly enough but the women I know in similar situations unhappily waited things out until their American-born thus American child turned 18 yo, had the 18 yo sponsor them, then divorced. |
Anonymous
No I already have a green card so that’s not the question. Thanks for the random story though 
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