4 month old baby with sleep regression and constantly fighting with DH.

[Anonymous]

I am welcoming any suggestions to help or reassurance that this is just a phase.

Just when our baby started to sleep 6+ hour stretches, he has suddenly started waking every 1-2 hours at night to nurse. I have tried soothing him with a pacifier but it doesn't work, he turns his head from side to side and can only be soothed with the boob or cuddles.

DH does not help at night. He has to get up at 4AM. He takes the baby as soon as I get home and we try to split the housework but I end up doing roughly 75%. He cooks dinner every other night. I make his lunch, get dinner started and he cleans up afterwards and folds laundry while I give the baby a bath and get him into his pajamas. I then get the baby ready for bed while DH runs the sprinkler or tidies up the living room and house. I've started getting out of the house once a week to go to a class and DH goes and spends time fishing or golfing every other week. We try to alternate and be mindful of eachothers needs but we are constantly nit picking eachother! It's so emotionally exhausting. DH is constantly forgetting to take dirty diapers to the garbage can and will leave them on the floor. When I point this out, he retorts that I am constantly leaving lights on. We get into arguments and end up at eachothers throat, asking if we even like eachother anymore to which we always respond that we LOVE eachother, but we don't always like eachother. I really sometimes don't like him but overall do love him, he can just be really forgetful and I feel like I'm caring for an older child too in addition to the baby. I'm exhausted from sleeping in short spurts and DH is exhausted from an early morning wakeup and commute with a physically demanding job.

Is this just an awful phase? Is there anything I can do to ease the fighting and make sleep easier for baby? Suggestions greatly appreciated.

[Anonymous]

I have one suggestion: get a small trash can and place it right next to the changing table.

[Anonymous]

At 4 months you need to get your child on the bottle with formula. That will fill your baby up more, and will be able to sleep longer.

[Anonymous]

Get motion sensor lights and a garbage can.

In a few more months things will improve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am welcoming any suggestions to help or reassurance that this is just a phase.

Just when our baby started to sleep 6+ hour stretches, he has suddenly started waking every 1-2 hours at night to nurse. I have tried soothing him with a pacifier but it doesn't work, he turns his head from side to side and can only be soothed with the boob or cuddles.

DH does not help at night. He has to get up at 4AM. He takes the baby as soon as I get home and we try to split the housework but I end up doing roughly 75%. He cooks dinner every other night. I make his lunch, get dinner started and he cleans up afterwards and folds laundry while I give the baby a bath and get him into his pajamas. I then get the baby ready for bed while DH runs the sprinkler or tidies up the living room and house. I've started getting out of the house once a week to go to a class and DH goes and spends time fishing or golfing every other week. We try to alternate and be mindful of eachothers needs but we are constantly nit picking eachother! It's so emotionally exhausting. DH is constantly forgetting to take dirty diapers to the garbage can and will leave them on the floor. When I point this out, he retorts that I am constantly leaving lights on. We get into arguments and end up at eachothers throat, asking if we even like eachother anymore to which we always respond that we LOVE eachother, but we don't always like eachother. I really sometimes don't like him but overall do love him, he can just be really forgetful and I feel like I'm caring for an older child too in addition to the baby. I'm exhausted from sleeping in short spurts and DH is exhausted from an early morning wakeup and commute with a physically demanding job.

Is this just an awful phase? Is there anything I can do to ease the fighting and make sleep easier for baby? Suggestions greatly appreciated.

It's a phase. I would do whatever you can to make it easier (the PPs suggestion about a can in the baby room is very good). Then sit down and acknowledge together that this a particularly trying phase for both of you; you are both trying your best and -- with that in mind -- stop pointing out what the other person did not. Your goal is to make it through this time period - so it's triage. So set up systems to make everything easier and just do whatever needs to be done. It is not worth the emotional energy to nag or remind. Also - lower your standards a bit. You want to make it through the time in one piece and a light left on or a dirty diaper left isn't going to blow up the house. As the baby gets easier and more reliable, then you can pick up the discussion about who is doing what and expectations. Now is not the time.

[Anonymous]

1000% a phase.

Stop worrying about what he isn't doing. Start worrying about how he is feeling. Make an effort to connect with each other to talk, hug, tell each other you love one another.

[Anonymous]

You know how it felt when he pointed out that you left the lights on? It’s probably how he felt about the diaper mistakes. You’re a team. You’re both exhausted, and you’re in what might be the hardest stage your marriage will go through (unless you have more kids, then their infancy will be way harder because you have more than one kid to deal with).

Try to boost each other up instead of tearing each other down. Sometimes it’s easier to just put the diaper in the trash or turn the light off yourself than it is to turn it into a teachable moment. Others have presented good solutions to the problems you mentioned. Right now you shouldn’t worry about what you can do in theory, but what’s the easiest way to get the job done adequately. Sure, you can use the existing can, go back to the room and flip the switch, cook all your meals from scratch, grow your own veggies... or you can get more trash cans, smart bulbs you can control from your phone, convenience/takeout meals and frozen veggies. Right now you’re in survival mode. Do what’s easiest.

[Anonymous]

Yes, get a trashcan. Or just pick the diapers up. Stop nit picking. Instead, just thank your dh for all the stuff he's doing, because (like you) it's a lot.

Try to get some sleep. Try to appreciate your husband.

And this is a phase for baby that will probably go back within a week or so. Whenever my child had a "leap" (mental breakthroughs) she would have an awful week. I'd be on the verge of letting her cry it out for life. I was exhausted and stupid. Then at the end of the week ... she'd go back to sleeping as before.

Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Yes, just a phase. Also, it seems like he is doing quite a bit. No?

[Anonymous]

Someone described this stage of parenting as - there is no 50/50. Each of you needs to be doing/giving 100%. You probably both feel like you’re doing more than the other, just do what needs to be done when you see it and try not to criticize each other. It doesn’t seem like he’s sitting around watching tv all evening while you do kid/household stuff. If you’re both spending the time contributing, then just try to be kind to each other.

[Anonymous]

It's a crappy phase. You're both exhausted and adjusting to parenthood. It's ok not to like one another right now. Try to remind yourself that you're on the same team, you're both struggling and doing your best, and this too shall pass.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a job?

[Anonymous]

I'm just coming out of this crazy fog and my 2nd baby is a few months old than yours. It's just hard. Sleep deprivation does some wacky stuff to you. I could barely remember my own phone number at times let alone manage relationships well. Try to keep the perspective that it's all temporary (and bizarrely, you'll look back on it fondly one day), laugh off what you can and offer your husband the grace you hope he'll offer you. I highly recommend the Ubbi diaper pails (only one that keeps the smell in. Worth every penny), a lectrofan white noise machine and sleeping with baby (if that helps) when needed!

[Anonymous]

Instead of concentrating on what he's NOT doing, concentrate on what he is doing. DH was incredibly helpful. Did he do everything perfectly? Of course not. But I appreciated all he did do and we never fought or had a hard first year.

And do easy solutions for the problems. He forgets to bring the diaper into another room? Just put a trashcan in the room. It's a simple fix and not worth arguing over. I assume he is getting your baby settled after the diaper change and is not intentionally leaving the diaper on the floor. Fighting over small things are a quick way to ruin a marriage

[Anonymous]

First off, I can completely commiserate with you because I just went through this with my now 6 month old. Unfortunately I truly think the only solution is to sleep train. I waited way too long and wish I had done it sooner so we could all just get some much needed sleep. The regression is a change in their sleep pattern/cycles to become more like an adult's so it's not likely to go back to the way it was. There will be some crying, but there are so many different methods you can research.

Also, this is my second baby but after having my first things were really, really rough with DH for like a year. Sleep depravation is really a killer and brings out the worst in people. There were times I didn't think DH and I were going to make it.