Please help me stop being ridiculous

[Anonymous]

I’m in my 40s and I’ve always had large groups of friends. I’m friendly and outgoing and I think generally likable. Never had trouble making or keeping friends. People often ask me for advice on things or to connect them with others because I “know everyone!” Stuff like that.

About 8 to 10 years ago I became part of a group of friends through a shared activity. We would all hang out together regularly and as we had kids we would involve them. It’s become clear to me over the past couple of years that I have become a second-tier member of this group. I would be included if there were a larger activity, but members often do things that me and/or my spouse and/or our whole family are not included in. Basically like smaller sub groups have developed and we are not part of any of them.

I know I’m too old to care and it’s ridiculous!! I wanted to shake myself for even feeling this way. But I can’t help but feel hurt and excluded. Please be kind - How can I get over this? I seem so outgoing and confident the majority of the time... But I just can’t get over feeling slighted by this group. It sounds ridiculous but I’ve never been part of a situation where I felt like people didn’t like me. And I’ve been part of many many groups in my life at work, in various neighborhoods where I’ve lived, through kids, etc... and always try to be inclusive and avoid hurting feelings. Help me shake this stress?

[Anonymous]

You seem a bit superficial and like these friendships probably didn't have much depth. Were advice and connections a one way street?

[Anonymous]

Hmm. It's possible that you are TOO friendly, and that people are breaking off into smaller groups because they actually want a lower level of commitment. They don't want to have to reciprocate or go to your barbecue because you came to theirs. I know that I have chosen more low-key relationships and let things cool off with my super-connector friends for this reason.

Another reason is that they are seeking more in-depth friendships in a smaller setting, rather than having to have frequent events with a ton of people. Normal, just a different way of socializing. Basically, for people who have limited time and social energy, your form of socializing may be suboptimal.

And another possibility is that nothing has actually changed, you just know more about it because of social media!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmm. It's possible that you are TOO friendly, and that people are breaking off into smaller groups because they actually want a lower level of commitment. They don't want to have to reciprocate or go to your barbecue because you came to theirs. I know that I have chosen more low-key relationships and let things cool off with my super-connector friends for this reason.

Another reason is that they are seeking more in-depth friendships in a smaller setting, rather than having to have frequent events with a ton of people. Normal, just a different way of socializing. Basically, for people who have limited time and social energy, your form of socializing may be suboptimal.

And another possibility is that nothing has actually changed, you just know more about it because of social media!

This is super thoughtful - thank you ??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmm. It's possible that you are TOO friendly, and that people are breaking off into smaller groups because they actually want a lower level of commitment. They don't want to have to reciprocate or go to your barbecue because you came to theirs. I know that I have chosen more low-key relationships and let things cool off with my super-connector friends for this reason.

Another reason is that they are seeking more in-depth friendships in a smaller setting, rather than having to have frequent events with a ton of people. Normal, just a different way of socializing. Basically, for people who have limited time and social energy, your form of socializing may be suboptimal.

And another possibility is that nothing has actually changed, you just know more about it because of social media!

One other thing I thought of - I have a super friendly super popular friend, and I actually don't reach out to her often because I just assume she's really busy because she has so much going on. Maybe something similar is going on for your friends?

[Anonymous]

That was supposed to be a heart! Not ??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmm. It's possible that you are TOO friendly, and that people are breaking off into smaller groups because they actually want a lower level of commitment. They don't want to have to reciprocate or go to your barbecue because you came to theirs. I know that I have chosen more low-key relationships and let things cool off with my super-connector friends for this reason.

Another reason is that they are seeking more in-depth friendships in a smaller setting, rather than having to have frequent events with a ton of people. Normal, just a different way of socializing. Basically, for people who have limited time and social energy, your form of socializing may be suboptimal.

And another possibility is that nothing has actually changed, you just know more about it because of social media!

This is super thoughtful - thank you ??

de nada

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You seem a bit superficial and like these friendships probably didn't have much depth. Were advice and connections a one way street?

I’m sorry, I don’t understand? (This is OP) we were all a larger group and I feel a bit sidelined ... certainly close friends on both sides

[Anonymous]

Maybe there is one person in sub group who you could ask why

[Anonymous]

I would feel hurt too. I was sidelined from a bigger group and was pretty sure it was that I did not reciprocate invitations due to a lot of family issues. Still hurtful to me. I can only do what I can do.

[Anonymous]

You sound a bit needy and lacking in self confidence. Not everyone wants to be your friend and that is true for all of us. There are a ton of things more important then feeling left out by a subgroup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would feel hurt too. I was sidelined from a bigger group and was pretty sure it was that I did not reciprocate invitations due to a lot of family issues. Still hurtful to me. I can only do what I can do.

This is definitely part of it. My husband is very quiet and really gets stressed about having people over etc. Reciprocating can be hard because of that although I try my best (hate feeling like a mooch etc) - op

[Anonymous]

It's ok to be hurt over this, but try to let it go. You can't be good friends with everybody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound a bit needy and lacking in self confidence. Not everyone wants to be your friend and that is true for all of us. There are a ton of things more important then feeling left out by a subgroup.

You sound a bit bitchy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound a bit needy and lacking in self confidence. Not everyone wants to be your friend and that is true for all of us. There are a ton of things more important then feeling left out by a subgroup.

You sound a bit bitchy.

DP, and no she doesn't. She gave a critique and offered perspective, which is what the OP asked for.