How do you handle petulant family members?

[Anonymous]

Both grown adults and teens? Not saying it is every or many family members, and (according to other family members) it is not me that is the issue. The issue is good old fashioned stubbornness. Easy to ignore in the older generations, not so easy to ignore with the teen. Example: Really, really, really, really only willing to do things when they want to do it, and only under certain conditions. Much like dealing with the terrible twos, but worse. Digs their heels in at any chance.

Anyone who has BTDT, and is willing to offer helpful information?

[Anonymous]

If they are self supporting independent adults, I don't really understand. They can have any preference they want.

Teens, well, you are still in charge.

[Anonymous]

Can you give some examples of situations where the teen is refusing to do something? It’s hard to give advice without some more context. Give the two most recent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you give some examples of situations where the teen is refusing to do something? It’s hard to give advice without some more context. Give the two most recent.

Thank you. Yes, I fully realize that we should be in charge of our teens. Two we are, but one is petulant and fights us on everything. He is strong, and frankly, I am afraid of him, but I do not want him to know that. DH has some issues that have not been addressed, and honestly I think DH projects and pussy foots around issues to make petulant teen happy. To call it a slippery slope is an understatement. Dh has a lot of trauma, and anything DH did not enjoy (two examples are vacationing with family - DH was abused; and dinnertime - DH was "piled on" by his siblings, as they could not leave the table until DH was finished eating) - DH does not force DS to do. Which is not parenting at all, and I try to tell DH that. I am at a loss because the rest of the family is in turmoil because of it. Where to start?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you give some examples of situations where the teen is refusing to do something? It’s hard to give advice without some more context. Give the two most recent.

Thank you. Yes, I fully realize that we should be in charge of our teens. Two we are, but one is petulant and fights us on everything. He is strong, and frankly, I am afraid of him, but I do not want him to know that. DH has some issues that have not been addressed, and honestly I think DH projects and pussy foots around issues to make petulant teen happy. To call it a slippery slope is an understatement. Dh has a lot of trauma, and anything DH did not enjoy (two examples are vacationing with family - DH was abused; and dinnertime - DH was "piled on" by his siblings, as they could not leave the table until DH was finished eating) - DH does not force DS to do. Which is not parenting at all, and I try to tell DH that. I am at a loss because the rest of the family is in turmoil because of it. Where to start?

Asked for two examples of teen refusing to do something, and your response is some incoherent rambling about spouse and trauma.
Peace out.

[Anonymous]

The examples are correlated, and they pertain to the teen. Lioks like PP was looking for a reason to be anti- helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The examples are correlated, and they pertain to the teen. Lioks like PP was looking for a reason to be anti- helpful.

So what are the 2 examples of situations where the teen was being petulant and refusing to do something?

[Anonymous]

So, teen is refusing to eat dinner with the family and go on vacation and spouse is unwilling to force the issue as he has his own trauma surrounding these situations - is that the scenario?

If so, your spouse needs therapy. And dinner/vacations will not happen if you don't have back up. So adjust your expectations. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

How old is the teen — closer to 13 or closer to 18?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is the teen — closer to 13 or closer to 18?

Closer to 13.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is the teen — closer to 13 or closer to 18?

Closer to 13.

At that age, he still needs you to do or supply things for him. Always give him a choice of two activities so he makes the decision for himself — one is what you want him to do, the other — his defiant choice, but with a consequence. Inform him of the consequence at the time you’re giving him the choice so he knows what he’s choosing. Think of it ahead of time and make it something he also doesn’t want to happen but you control, like no special sneakers or no internet access for a period of time that would be difficult for him. You need to hold firm on the consequences if that’s what he chooses — he needs to know you mean what you say.

Hopefully your DH won’t undermine this. If he does, seriously consider family therapy.

[Anonymous]

Who in the world uses the word Petulant?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who in the world uses the word Petulant?

I thought the same thing, had to look it Up!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who in the world uses the word Petulant?

I thought the same thing, had to look it Up!

She might be a foreigner. The equivalent word is common in my native country.

[Anonymous]

Lol. I was the petulant teen (and sometimes adult.) I would just ignore them and let them decide themselves what to do.