Social climbing friend and what to do/not do

[Anonymous]

Do not want to reveal too much about this person but have a friend, one of the first people I met when we moved here. At the time, we had a lot in common, met at our kids school, through and she was super down to earth, a lot of fun and we just got along really well. She ended up (at husbands insistence) transferring her kids to a Big 3 school (they are very smart).
I have seen a big change over her since this happened, my sister in law has kids at same school and told me she clamors to talk and "get in" with the right people. She practically begs to be invited to certain social events, or parties. She will invite the :right moms" over way more than they invite her just to stay in their circle.
I feel genuinely sad for her. I so badly want to talk to her about it. But thinking its not my place. My SIL said a lot of people talk about it and think she looks incredibly foolish. Do I speak to her or hold my tongue?

[Anonymous]

Nothing good will come of talking to her about it. She’ll either be hurt or dismiss you as envious. This is who she is now and she’s justified it in her head. I don’t think super competitive and calculating social climbers are all that self-aware (are any of us?) In her mind, these are her friends, even if she’s doing the chasing.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she’s just lonely and looking for friends, while your SIL is a judgy bitch. What’s wrong with inviting people over? Social climbing is about using people and dumping them when they’re no longer useful, not moving to a new school and desperately trying to make friends.

[Anonymous]

Remind yourself that this is third or fourth person gossip, not something you've observed yourself, so things may get exaggerated in translation.

I think you can steer the conversation to her and her kids' social life at that school, and gently advise her on not overdoing it, but there's nothing you can respectfully do beyond that, such as tell her the details of what your SIL said.

[Anonymous]

You hold your tongue. It’s better for her to come to the realization that she’s not forming real friendships with these people and back off vs. you humiliating her, no matter how kindly you go about it.

And who is more in the wrong here, really? The person who looks like a social climber or all the petty people supposedly talking about her? If she wants to be “in” with horrid people like that, it sounds like they deserve each other.

[Anonymous]

Weird that you believe strangers third hand over your own experience with this fun, down to earth woman. Sounds like a toxic school.

[Anonymous]

I had a friend like this - but it was moving to a new neighborhood thing rather than a school. I agree there is no point in trying to talk to her about it.

And, for your sake, beware. This climber will drop you in a hot New York minute so create a safe distance.

[Anonymous]

Is your SIL a reliable narrator? It seems like an awful move to share this with you, particularly since it's about a social circle you aren't part of. I would say something to your SIL along the lines of "why do you think that is something I need to know" and keep building your friendship with your friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your SIL a reliable narrator? It seems like an awful move to share this with you, particularly since it's about a social circle you aren't part of. I would say something to your SIL along the lines of "why do you think that is something I need to know" and keep building your friendship with your friend.

+1 Sounds like a mean girl situation.

[Anonymous]

I can’t imagine why you would bring this up to her; it has nothing to do with your friendship. Pp is right — your relative is being judgmental and unkind.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like it wasn’t even her idea to switch schools! And you insulted her kids in your post...

[Anonymous]

This sounds so high school. Why would you even involve yourself in that cattiness and drama? I hope youbstuck up for your friend at least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t imagine why you would bring this up to her; it has nothing to do with your friendship. Pp is right — your relative is being judgmental and unkind.

This. It has nothing to do with you.

[Anonymous]

What are the”right moms?” Please, anyone who cares about this is living in the 7th grade— in the 80s. Also, if this school is in DC I’m sure these grade school moms are deep into menopause and use their wealth to barely conceal their decrepit state. Literally who cares.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you have a lot of bitchy friends in your circle...