Visiting DH Family Functions vs. Family Vacation

[Anonymous]

I've noticed a troubling pattern. In the past two years, we have not been able to afford a vacation, because we spent our vacation budget attending DH's family functions. Every single time, we need to stay at a hotel, because their houses are too small....the other ILs have priority..... I am kind of getting sick of it and told DH that I want a vacation and we need to decline all invites. For example, his niece is graduating HS and my MIL thinks all of us need to be there for her graduation in mid-western state. I've told DH to use our own DD as an excuse, because she still has school for another one or two weeks. MIL comes back with that our DD is driving and we can leave her alone over the weekend to be there for the niece. DH feels guilty and tries to convince me to go, but I am not budging!!!!! Venting!!!!

[Anonymous]

Tell your MIL that you'll send your regrets but you have already set aside the money and annual leave for a family vacation and want to include your DD.

[Anonymous]

Does MIL understand that it will cost you $1000-$1500 in basic travel costs alone? And tell her neither you nor DD want her to stay home alone.

Meanwhile, the niece doesn’t care much if you are there. She’d be thrilled with a nice git.

[Anonymous]

Never EVER give an excuse when you say no.

[Anonymous]

Yeah I’d say that the timing is making it too difficult. You’ll lol forward to seeing them another occasion.

If they get into the details, cut it off. It’s not their right to get into your decision making. If they continue (hope not), you can cut it off by saying that you’re doing what’s absolutely the best for everyone in your family. Why are they asking for more than your best? (I don’t think it should come to that. Just giving you ammo)

[Anonymous]

I've point blank told my family that visiting them is wonderful, but it's not a vacation and my family deserves at least one vacation a year, just me, my husband, and the kids. So if that means we sadly get to see you less, it doesn't mean we love you less.

I don't think my parents ever went to any other graduations other than my own and my sisters, despite having lots of cousins nearby. It wasn't an expectation in my family, despite being the kind of family that saw each other on a regular basis. My mom, however, did put extended family time ahead of immediate family time, and it made me resent those long visits as a kid.

Stand your ground!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never EVER give an excuse when you say no.

Exactly. When the graduation came up the response from your DH should have been "sorry we're booked that weekend". END.

But this is mainly about getting your DH on the same page as you. You may need to start small and build to a more firm "NO". Like in this example, send just your DH. Surely he can sleep on someone's couch or share a room. That way you are out airfare, which sucks, but isn't the end of the world.

[Anonymous]

Who demands relatives fly for HS graduation?

Your MIL is nuts. Unfortunately, this is a DH problem. He needs to get on the same page as you and grow a spine.

[Anonymous]

Just say no.

Pushy people will keep pushing. The key is to just never expect someone like this to say "We'll miss you but I completely understand. " They won't ever do this. It will always be whine, guilt, anger, manipulation -whatever they need to do to get their way. You just say no and ignore the protests.

[Anonymous]

I feel ya. That sucks. If there’s any way you can tack on a day or two of fun vacation stuff nearby that might be a win win.

[Anonymous]

I would NEVER travel for any graduation. My husband and I each have several advanced degrees and we don't feel graduations are important occasions.

And my vacation is a priority, so I would be willing to fall out with ILs over such things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who demands relatives fly for HS graduation?

Your MIL is nuts. Unfortunately, this is a DH problem. He needs to get on the same page as you and grow a spine.

This. And crazy that she would expect you to leave your own high schooler alone to travel for it. That’s just nuts!!

[Anonymous]

and my MIL thinks ...

Unimportant

until you realize this, nothing improves

Own your life. You are entitled to a preference. You are a grown-up. Sometimes in peer relationships, we make people mad. And relationships move-on/and adjust. You are not special. You don't get to have it easy. Life comes with bumps. If you're digging deep looking for motivation -- do it for your DC. Show DC how healthy adults make decisions, and how healthy adults manage relationships.

[Anonymous]

DH Family Functions = He Goes

*Only* he goes. I bet he'll grow a spine then.

You have the power Op. You have to use it. Don't be dramatic, just state to DH that you are unwilling to go. That's it. That's all. Said once. Not discussed. He can go. He can make a decision for himself.

I'm guessing that will change everything.

Oh, and btw, HE communicates to his family. Not you.

[Anonymous]

In some of those instances, we divide and conquer - DH goes to his family function alone (cheaper and easier) and I do mine. Not for big events like weddings, but yes for sibling birthday or niece graduation. Then we have time and money for real vacations.