Having trouble dealing with parents of kids who have rejected my DS

[Anonymous]

My DS is having a very tough time in middle school - many of his old friends have gone their separate ways and are leaving my son out of group plans and he has yet to find a new tribe. I see parents of these other kids all the time at sports events, grocery store, etc. and they walk around like they don't have a care in the world. Meanwhile, I am in so much pain for my son who we are trying to help navigate the situation. This is really a whole separate problem than the one we are helping my son with. I recognize this is MY separate issue - feeling so angry with these other parents even though I realize it is not rational. Does anyone have any good coping tips?

[Anonymous]

Middle school is tuff for a lot of kids. Most parents check out of parenting at that age and have no idea what's going on and can barely care about their own kid, let alone yours. Find some outside activities he enjoys or spend time with him.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, it is a painful passage. Don't burn bridges over the kids' changing relationships though. It really isn't the parents' fault and the kids may actually become friends again in 5 years, or not, but no reason to burn bridges over the normal ebb and flow of kids growing up and apart.

[Anonymous]

There's a definite sense of hubris from parents who have popular kids. I dealt with this and it was painful beyond belief. However, now that they are young adults some of these popular kids are in drug and alcohol rehab, going through divorce or struggling to find jobs. My kids are relatively happy and productive. A couple friends have admitted to me that they felt smug about their "gifted" popular kids and are sorry about the way they acted. Doesn't make it easier now but just be a safe harbor for your child, try to have fun with him and assure him that teen years don't last.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DS is having a very tough time in middle school - many of his old friends have gone their separate ways and are leaving my son out of group plans and he has yet to find a new tribe. I see parents of these other kids all the time at sports events, grocery store, etc. and they walk around like they don't have a care in the world. Meanwhile, I am in so much pain for my son who we are trying to help navigate the situation. This is really a whole separate problem than the one we are helping my son with. I recognize this is MY separate issue - feeling so angry with these other parents even though I realize it is not rational. Does anyone have any good coping tips?

It is hard- I had a conversation with my MS DS tonight about a friend who ditched him for a different group. I told him that it's common, but not nice, behavior. I know this is tough, but unless there is real bullying going on, you're going to need to let it go. Be friendly. MS groups are fluid- your DS will find his new friends eventually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DS is having a very tough time in middle school - many of his old friends have gone their separate ways and are leaving my son out of group plans and he has yet to find a new tribe. I see parents of these other kids all the time at sports events, grocery store, etc. and they walk around like they don't have a care in the world. Meanwhile, I am in so much pain for my son who we are trying to help navigate the situation. This is really a whole separate problem than the one we are helping my son with. I recognize this is MY separate issue - feeling so angry with these other parents even though I realize it is not rational. Does anyone have any good coping tips?

Don't be so quick to assume that they aren't struggling as well. Most people don't outwardly show this type of thing while they go around town

[Anonymous]

You know that parents can’t make their kid be friends with anyone they don’t want to be friends with. And you know that relationships change. You don’t have to be friends with these parents. But you can’t blame them for your sons issues or their kids’ decision regarding friends.

I know this is hard - my kids were never popular. Two of mine had major fallings out. It was hard to watch. But they eventually found their way. Yours will too. FWIW outside activities really helped.

[Anonymous]

1. This is not the parents' fault.

2. Why would they go around showing their many cares, none of which pertain to your situation?

3. As the mother of an 8th grade boy who has often been ostracized for being a little quirky, I say this with love: grow up. Your child will go through much greater challenges. You will too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's a definite sense of hubris from parents who have popular kids. I dealt with this and it was painful beyond belief. However, now that they are young adults some of these popular kids are in drug and alcohol rehab, going through divorce or struggling to find jobs. My kids are relatively happy and productive. A couple friends have admitted to me that they felt smug about their "gifted" popular kids and are sorry about the way they acted. Doesn't make it easier now but just be a safe harbor for your child, try to have fun with him and assure him that teen years don't last.

Oh good god, you are projecting just as much as the OP. Most people are just living their own life, and worrying about their own problems. I think you are pretty self-centered to imagine other parents lording over you because you perceive that their 11 year old is more popular. The truth is, no one has time to give a crap about your 11 year old’s social standing because they have things that are important to them that they are worrying about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's a definite sense of hubris from parents who have popular kids. I dealt with this and it was painful beyond belief. However, now that they are young adults some of these popular kids are in drug and alcohol rehab, going through divorce or struggling to find jobs. My kids are relatively happy and productive. A couple friends have admitted to me that they felt smug about their "gifted" popular kids and are sorry about the way they acted. Doesn't make it easier now but just be a safe harbor for your child, try to have fun with him and assure him that teen years don't last.

That has not been my experience at all. Most parents are clueless, and this can come across as smug.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a definite sense of hubris from parents who have popular kids. I dealt with this and it was painful beyond belief. However, now that they are young adults some of these popular kids are in drug and alcohol rehab, going through divorce or struggling to find jobs. My kids are relatively happy and productive. A couple friends have admitted to me that they felt smug about their "gifted" popular kids and are sorry about the way they acted. Doesn't make it easier now but just be a safe harbor for your child, try to have fun with him and assure him that teen years don't last.

Oh good god, you are projecting just as much as the OP. Most people are just living their own life, and worrying about their own problems. I think you are pretty self-centered to imagine other parents lording over you because you perceive that their 11 year old is more popular. The truth is, no one has time to give a crap about your 11 year old’s social standing because they have things that are important to them that they are worrying about.

And to add, why does it matter to you if kids who were “popular” as 11 year olds grew up to have tough lives? Does this make you feel good? If so, you are a completely pathetic loser.

[Anonymous]

OP, what do you think those parents could do about the situation? Do you really think it would work out well if they forced their kids to include yours in all their plans, that suddenly everyone would be friends again? Those parents probably don't even realize your child is being excluded as opposed to, as you said, everyone having gone their separate ways and formed new friendships in high school. I understand you're in pain, I've been there too and I get how you're feeling right now. But taking your anger at the situation out on the parents can only make your son's social situation worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's a definite sense of hubris from parents who have popular kids. I dealt with this and it was painful beyond belief. However, now that they are young adults some of these popular kids are in drug and alcohol rehab, going through divorce or struggling to find jobs. My kids are relatively happy and productive. A couple friends have admitted to me that they felt smug about their "gifted" popular kids and are sorry about the way they acted. Doesn't make it easier now but just be a safe harbor for your child, try to have fun with him and assure him that teen years don't last.

Wow. Just wow.

[Anonymous]

If you are friendly and converse with these parents, I would say it's helpful to acknowledge the issue rather than ignore it. "It's too bad Jimmy and Tommy aren't as close anymore. Middle school is such a tricky time." I disagree with the PP who say the other parents don't know what's going on. An involved parent knows. My own middle schooler has relationships in flux. I remind them not to make plans in front of other kids who might feel left out. I suggest having old friends over for play dates but don't force the issue. I encourage them to broaden their circle and do things with new friends as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are friendly and converse with these parents, I would say it's helpful to acknowledge the issue rather than ignore it. "It's too bad Jimmy and Tommy aren't as close anymore. Middle school is such a tricky time." I disagree with the PP who say the other parents don't know what's going on. An involved parent knows. My own middle schooler has relationships in flux. I remind them not to make plans in front of other kids who might feel left out. I suggest having old friends over for play dates but don't force the issue. I encourage them to broaden their circle and do things with new friends as well.

Middle schoolers don’t have “play dates.”