2.5 year old mean to me when dad is around

[Anonymous]

Title says it all- my daughter is 2.5 and we are entering the typical "terrible two" behavior. When it's just me and her, like this morning, things run fairly smooth. No fighting and we get out the door without a tantrum

If my DH is around, things get tough. Everything is "bad mommy!" "no mommy- DAD DO IT!" "be quiet mommy", "Mommy got the wrong cup *cry cry cry*", etc etc. She told me to shut up on Sunday night! I seriously cannot do anything right when he is around.

SO... What would you do?

A. Ignore and let dad do everything
B. Say too bad and just let her cry when I do something
C. Start time out
D. OTHER?

Of course I've talked to her and tried the calm approach, Ive read the How to Talk to Kids book, but I'm just lost on how to handle this. Talking calmly and explaining that it hurts my feelings or that dad is unavailable right now and mom has to do it is NOT working.

[Anonymous]

Are you me? Same exact thing. I draw the line at her verbally or physically abusing me. So no hitting, no saying shut up.

I try to make it NBD. If she says I don't like you Mommy, I say ok but I love you! If she is crying and screaming mommy go away, I calmly say that this is my house too and if she needs be be away from me she can go to her room. That usually works and she tolerates being in the same room as me. Basically I try not to react and/or reiterate my love for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you me? Same exact thing. I draw the line at her verbally or physically abusing me. So no hitting, no saying shut up.

I try to make it NBD. If she says I don't like you Mommy, I say ok but I love you! If she is crying and screaming mommy go away, I calmly say that this is my house too and if she needs be be away from me she can go to her room. That usually works and she tolerates being in the same room as me. Basically I try not to react and/or reiterate my love for her.[/quote

Just to add -- I know we can't but feel terrible about this, but I try seeing it as a good thing. DD has a secure attachment to me and knows, no matter what, I unconditionally love her. Her acting up and wanting Daddy means he needs to step up and spend more time with her. But that's another issue

[Anonymous]

Your problem is not about your DH. You're at the start of long phase where one or the other will be the favorite parent at any given moment. Your problem is how to teach your DD the right way to communicate her needs or wants.

+1 no hitting, no shut up. Those are totally different from your other examples. Each time, tell her what she *should have said* to you. Feed her the right words to use next time.

No long-winded explanations in the moment.

[Anonymous]

I would correct her when she says or does something inappropriate or hurts my feelings but otherwise let DH take the wheel as much as is reasonable and enjoy the break!

FWIW, my son went through a daddy phase around 2. Eventually it swung back around to me as the favored parent.

[Anonymous]

Mine favors me as opposed to DH and it really hurts his feelings because he is very hands on. But it's challenging no matter who is the "favorite" -- we just keep saying "That's not nice. Makes daddy feel sad. He loves you and wants to help mommy and take care of you." Over and over and over. And schedule lots of time of just the two of them which typically goes great like you said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you me? Same exact thing. I draw the line at her verbally or physically abusing me. So no hitting, no saying shut up.

I try to make it NBD. If she says I don't like you Mommy, I say ok but I love you! If she is crying and screaming mommy go away, I calmly say that this is my house too and if she needs be be away from me she can go to her room. That usually works and she tolerates being in the same room as me. Basically I try not to react and/or reiterate my love for her.

This is good advice. You also live in the house and you have every right to be in the living room if you please, if she needs space she can go to her room.

I will say, this an age thing. I work with toddlers, and I see this a lot. Kids tend to favor one parent over the other, but it evens out. Right now, she needs more dad time and she needs to know what is going to happen. “Mom is going to get your cup out, what cup would you like? “ and dad can give it to her. She needs to see you both working together. When she says mean things have your husband comfort you “I’m sorry DD said mean words to you.” And have him give you a hug. Same thing we do when kids are physical, we show attention to the person who is hurt. You are doing the same thing but when she isn’t using nice words. Encourage your husband to plan a dad and daughter day. She might just need more dad time. They can go to the park and lunch and busy bees or badlands or maybe a shopping trip to target?

Remember, this is an age thing. She will grow out of it. And then it will be DHs turn to be “bad daddy”.

[Anonymous]

DD will be 2.5 in April and very often makes it clear she wants me (her mom) to do things for her rather than her dad. It hurts him because he's very involved, but we just tell her "daddy can help you, too, just like mommy." We try to identify certain things he always does--like reads her bedtime story--and I try to give them lots of one on one time.

It's very typical behavior.