what does it feel like to want to have kids?

[Anonymous]

I've been pretty sure since I was in my teenage years that I didn't want children. I went through some years where I was open to it, if I were with a longterm partner who was really into it. But I married someone who wasn't interested in having children. We're 45 now. I could see us maybe fostering at some point, but if we don't that's ok too.

When I see the lengths people go to to have bio kids - the years of trying, IVF, the cost and emotional toll. It must be something you want *so badly* to go through all that.

What does that feel like, to want kids that badly? Is it like a physical urge? Is it something that takes over your whole mind, where it's hard to think about anything else?

I hope this isn't a trivial comparison, but it's as good as I've got: The closest I have to that is that I work in a creative field where every stage of success is very difficult to achieve. I have minor success in that field now - back when I was at the bottom rung, it felt like that was the only thing I cared about, was getting somewhere in that field. I wanted it so badly it hurt. (And now I am waiting to see if I will be moving up another rung - and I find myself in a constant state of stress and anxiety, waiting to hear if it'll be happening.)

Anyway, I know some people think that people without kids hate kids or don't care about the struggle to have them and the joys of raising them. I don't hate kids and I do care. I just don't relate. But I'd like to understand, if you want to share!

[Anonymous]

I'm female (I think that makes a difference) and have one kid.

I always knew I wanted kids, but around 28 or 29 years old, I started having a physical urge to have a kid. This was just after I got married. I felt like there was someone in our family who was there, but not physically, if that makes sense. Like, I *knew* we had a missing family member.

My husband wanted kids, but didn't have that physical urge, which I suspect is biological.

Now that DD has been born, I don't feel that urge anymore. I feel like our family is complete.

[Anonymous]

We had been married for 5 years. Enjoyed traveling, relaxing, working, everything as a couple. And then I began to feel like something was missing. That we weren't complete. And then 9/11 happened, and we decided that now was the time.

For my second child, I felt a much stronger biological urge to make another baby. It didn't happen the first time we tried so I felt a sense of striving to fulfill this urge for a baby.

Good luck to you!

[Anonymous]

I always wanted kids no question, so I didn't analyze the feelings too much. Fortunately my partner felt the same and we didn't have trouble conceiving, so we didn't have to think about how far we'd go to have them.

But I liked kids (though I found them a little intimidating because I didn't know how to take care of them), I liked to hold babies and how cuddly they were. I pictured in my mind holding my babies and playing with my kids. When I saw people and their kids together being cute and loving, I got a warm fuzzy feeling inside.

I had kids and I love them. I feel very comfortable in my role as mother and now I've very comfortable around most kids.

[Anonymous]

Not the answer to your questions but I think that knowing that you don't want kids is one of the best things to know about yourself. One of the sadder divorces I've seen was a friend who knew she didn't want kids and the man she married thought he could change her mind.

And yes, it can feel biological/hormonal. like a pull from your gut. Not constant but you know that intensity you get during PMS where you have to have something. It's like that but happens when you hold a baby.

[Anonymous]

Your comparison sounds right to me. I've never felt that way about a career (unfortunately). The only difference is maybe that my period of yearning for being a parent was more short lived, compared to your experience of continually wanting "more." While I always assumed I'd have kids, I didn't really seriously think of it as a life goal, until I was about 31. Started trying around 34, didn't get pregnant until 37. Now I'm a mom, I've completed the "having children" part of my life. There are no higher rungs to achieve in that department.

[Anonymous]

This is OP - and I really appreciate your posts. It sounds like you've all experienced this pretty similarly - that there was a family member missing and/or you had a physical urge to be pregnant and give birth.

I think it's interesting that, at least for those of you who responded, that feeling of something being missing seemed to ebb once you had the child. It's like our bodies really do have plans for us - and we'd better comply! I wonder why mind didn't have that plan for me?

[Anonymous]

I relate to how you feel about this - we were much more on the fence, and the only "feeling" we ever had that led us to have our child was a fairly logic-based feeling that 40 more years of the DINK thing we were doing might get boring and leave us out of some life experiences that would help us connect to other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP - and I really appreciate your posts. It sounds like you've all experienced this pretty similarly - that there was a family member missing and/or you had a physical urge to be pregnant and give birth.

I think it's interesting that, at least for those of you who responded, that feeling of something being missing seemed to ebb once you had the child. It's like our bodies really do have plans for us - and we'd better comply! I wonder why mind didn't have that plan for me?

Who knows. It's just as mysterious why some people feel the urge to have just 1 kid, while others feel the urge to have 2 or 3 or more than that.

[Anonymous]

I didn't want kids, ever. I chose a very kid-unfriendly career and climbed the ladder quickly, and I was in a longterm relationship with a man who also did not want children. We'd created a good life together--house, car, travel, and careers. When friends started having kids, we were just happy to continue our lifestyle of nice restaurants, weekends away, etc.

Around age 34, I started getting physical symptoms when I would see a newborn--I am not exaggerating when I say my heart hurt. I spent over a year ignoring and pushing those feelings away. I had invested too much into my childless life and, really, could not imagine fitting a child in. It was just that horrible heartache that kept coming back.

Long story short, I got to the point where I couldn't ignore those feelings anymore. I had to change basically everything about my life, including letting go of the relationship. That was tough--it was perfect in every way except for our disagreement about kids. But eventually, I became a mother, and I knew immediately that I'd taken the right path for me.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP - it was a feeling that something was incomplete, not right, and picturing my future without kids seemed bleak and wrong. Now that I’ve had two kids, the urge is gone and it’s hard to remember exactly what it felt like... which is how I know we are totally done. But it was super strong at the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with PP - it was a feeling that something was incomplete, not right, and picturing my future without kids seemed bleak and wrong. Now that I’ve had two kids, the urge is gone and it’s hard to remember exactly what it felt like... which is how I know we are totally done. But it was super strong at the time.

I agree with this. I was never a person who loved babies or kids. I still don't. I like my kids. But I would never choose a career working with children, for example.

At some point in my 30s, I had this gut punch that if I just kept going on my current childless path, my life would lack purpose and meaning and I would regret it. The thought of not having a family gave me tremendous anxiety. Frankly, the thought of having just one child gave me a lot of anxiety too and felt really incomplete to me. Stopped at 2 and never gave one second of serious thought to having more. Was done and moved on.

[Anonymous]

People who want kids imagine what life would be like kids. It isn't as much about loving kids as loving the picture you have of a life with kids. Its a life that picture that they really want. If you have a partner and don't have fertility issues its achievable so they do it. Some people really want their dream and feel that they wouldn't be complete or as happy if they didn't achieve it so they go to more lengths to overcome lack of a partner or infertility.

I don't think people who don't want kids hate kids. They simply don't imagine it and it isn't their dream. Some of these people end up being married to someone who wants kids or accidentally get pregnant and have kids. They end up loving their kids. Other people lead perfectly happy lives without kids.

I wouldn't suggest fostering if you are not in the camp that desperately wants to be a parent. Foster kids have special needs and are coming out of traumatic situations. They need foster parents who are parents on steroids and 100% desire to do this. I would imagine this would be overwhelming if you were not interested in having kids. There are plenty of other volunteer opportunities in education, big brother/big sister programs that you could try or just babysit for family.

[Anonymous]

I am single- age 50. Always envisioned kids. Every monthly period was emotional, and I could really feel the clock ticking. Due to my single status (and age) I had to obviously be very proactive. After 5 years of TTC v/ donor sperm w/ no success, I hit the jackpot at age 46, and adopted a "perfect" newborn girl...

[Anonymous]

If you need to ask this question, you’re not meant to be a parent. You would have made sure there were kids in your life already.