fighting over where to send to K

[gabrielj]

Hello divorced parents:
So my ex and I disagree on where to send our kid to Kindergarten next year. I want public or mainstream private, he wants a specific religious private school.
I have full physical custody but we share legal.
So it needs to be discussed. When is a good time to bring it up?
I don't want to fight all year about it. Privates need answers by March, so obviously before March. But how long can I wait? I'm going to apply to the privates that I want without him knowing. Unless he asks. Which he hasn't.

[Anonymous]

Tough one. My suggestions:

1) Try to keep an open mind and visit the specific religious school he wants. Maybe you'll love it.

2) If you don't, then the presumption should be in favor of public school, assuming your option is a good one.

[Anonymous]

Do you think if you just fail to apply on time he will do it himself? IME people talk a big game but don’t have the follow through.

[Anonymous]

I would hold off on having this fight until you know there's even anything to fight about. You handle the applications for the schools you like, he handles the applications for the schools he likes. Once you have admissions decisions, then you hash it out from the universe of actual options rather than the universe of theoretical ones.

[Anonymous]

I'd look at the religious. Some I looked at were very different than what I expected and others were not. We decided to stay in public for friends but I am not religious but found one we liked. They are far cheaper. I'd look at a bunch of private, apply and then decide - do some mainstream and some religious and then decide from where child gets in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd look at the religious. Some I looked at were very different than what I expected and others were not. We decided to stay in public for friends but I am not religious but found one we liked. They are far cheaper. I'd look at a bunch of private, apply and then decide - do some mainstream and some religious and then decide from where child gets in.

Why do you assume OP hasn't already educated herself about the religious school before forming an opinion?

[Anonymous]

Op here. The particular religious school he likes is one I am very familiar with - it’s not a good choice for many reasons.

[Anonymous]

Run a budget projection too. Parochial schools are easily over half the cost of the overpriced private schools in DC area. Plus don't forget the logistics of going to private schools are about 5x that of public schools since most do not have bussing, end the day at different times, ECs after school also no bussing, etc. Once kids are in middle or upper school is much better.

Last point - don't start in a $40k/kid school and then yank them out a few years later when you realize the costs are too high and the logistics are driving you crazy. Kids make best friends before 7th grade.

[Anonymous]

OP I’m not sure you can apply without him knowing. The applications ask for information on both parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. The particular religious school he likes is one I am very familiar with - it’s not a good choice for many reasons.

Then I think you'll be on firmest ground insisting on public.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you think if you just fail to apply on time he will do it himself? IME people talk a big game but don’t have the follow through.

+1
I would just wait and see if he actually goes through the process of applying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I’m not sure you can apply without him knowing. The applications ask for information on both parents.[/quote

+1

Also, if you and he already are conflicting, going behind his back to apply--and he and his lawyer will definitely see it as "going behind his back" -- will only make the eventual discussion much more difficult. If he were to apply to his preferred school without telling you, you'd be angry, wouldn't you? I'm not favoring him here, OP. Just pointing out that if you apply somewhere you may be setting the stage for him to be even more entrenched and determined to get his way.

This may be a situation where you and he need a mediator for your discussion.

[Anonymous]

My attorney advised me to write a letter to the father giving him the name of the school I chose with supporting reasons of why I chose that particular school. He did not agree with the choice of school but since I was the custodial parent, I signed her up and I took her. We had a shift in custody, and when he was custodial parent, he took her out of school and enrolled her in the school he wanted. The judge finally ended up giving me all decision making rights, since he did NOT inform me of switching schools, and I took her back to the original school and she was very happy to return. Put in your letter that you are doing what is best for the child. This will help you make the decision as well.

[Anonymous]

Who is paying for it? If he wants a school then he can pay for it. If you want a specific private, you pay for it.

[Anonymous]

Don't bring it up unless he does. Maybe he won't. Let deadlines pass. Send to public.