Would you not reciprocate a play date if friend’s house was too big?

[Anonymous]

I would but then again I Stay at home, live in a nice neighborhood and have a nice 4K foot house. It’s more about being gracious.

[Anonymous]

Also, where in the world do you live?!?

My DH and I would love an 8,000ish square foot house (and could afford it - right now ours is 5K) but there aren't really houses that size close to DC. You have to go way out in McLean, probably past the beltway, to get to houses that big. Or even further out, which just indicates you've chosen to spend money on a huge house rather than a house with a good location. Most 2-3M houses are under 6,000 square feet in the DC area. The only ones bigger are like Bezos size (and price).

[Anonymous]

I would admire your house, OP. Who wouldn't? But it doesn't have anything to do with whether or not we would be friends.

I'd be much more concerned with how your kid and mine interacted, whether we enjoyed hanging out, and if we were interested in each other's hobbies/passions/jobs/whatever.

[Anonymous]

^^ I live in what is common described here as a "shitshack," BTW.

[Anonymous]

I just went to a play date at a house that was 10,000 square feet and I was a little intimidated TBH - but I am still inviting the friend over this week. So, no.

[Anonymous]

I would be concerned if my kid went over how you would supervise with a few kids of your own in such a large space. Maybe its you and what you choose to talk about makes her uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

People are so judgy. A nice person is a nice person, regardless of the size of her house. I would be mildly anxious about hosting in my “lesser” house, but if we were really friends, I would get over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This makes me think of something in my own life that answers your question.

Long time friend of my husband comes to my home with her family. I think nothing of it. We host. I have met this woman many times but had never been to her home. She is great. We then are invited to her home (she has two kids and a DH). OMG!!!!!!! She is rich and her house was amazing and perfectly decorated and she had hired help to cater and serve for a very casual party. I was sincerely mortified that I had her to my house and never invited her over again. It was eye opening. We are in different leagues and no I'm not serving you my baked French toast from my semi-old dishware ever again.

So no, I wouldn't reciprocate.

I've had this happen to. We went to their house first. As soon as I walked in to their immaculate home I thought "welp, we can't be friends, that's too bad". Even attempting to entertain them would seem so super low-brow I can't fathom it. Like I'd be a college kid pretending my beat up apt was fine for a dinner party. I may do it once, just because I'm hoping to get to a place where I don't give a sh*t, but I'm not there yet.

New poster here, and this makes me sad. As long as your house is clean, I don't care how small it is or how old your dishware is. I spend when needed in order to buy quality, so that we don't have to replace things very often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To echo some of what's been said in this thread, I would not be intimidated or put-off by a mom friend with a 15,000 square foot house. But, it does say something about how she and her DH choose to spend money, and, potentially, their social background. The truly wealthy (and I know a handful, from college) might have huge estates, but they would never, ever send their children to public school. The solidly wealthy, who grew up wealthy, don't feel any need to have a 15K square foot house, and tend to be more subtle with their money. Having a 15K square foot house screams: Look at me! I have money now! in a way that's not super classy.

That said, I would totally not eliminate a mom friend for having a house that size, especially if she was open about her insecurities, or joked about the size of her home, etc. I would find that endearing.

I would not find it endearing. I would find it fakey. I'd be like, "Ok, honey, but you and your spouse DID buy this house, so don't try to pretend you had nothing to do with this." Unless you were just a passive wife, and let your husband make all the decisions about the house? And that would be offputting to me too, and also say that you and I are different.

Right. Because everyone who lives in a big house is insecure and "fakey" (WTF does that even mean??)? And how old are you to speak that way?

OP, some of the kindest, most successful and most genuine people I know live in big houses that have (GASP!) tasteful decorators (not some neighborhood schlub). The stereotyping and envy on this thread is extremely obvious. As for PP's statement - class is 100% how you treat other people, like it or not. So many posters here don't seem to know anyone nice - big house or not. Or are they simply defending what they can afford to live in - I get it, but back off of those with more than you - your resentment is glaring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are so judgy. A nice person is a nice person, regardless of the size of her house. I would be mildly anxious about hosting in my “lesser” house, but if we were really friends, I would get over it.

+1

Some of the PPs need to grow up. A lot!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Honestly I would strongly question your values and judgment if I knew you lived in such a big house. Can you explain why you do?

We have a home office, different areas for the different kids and a spacious in law suite.

Our parents are old and in bad health - cancer. The reason for the extra large home is for our parents. They may not have long to live so we want them to be comfortable and we want our own space.

Our entertaining areas, especially the baby areas, are the same as our old house. We just have new separate larger areas for the extended family and older kids. Our older kids attend public school.

Do you have like 4 sets of parents living with you? Otherwise, weird and we won’t be friends.

No one lives with us. It is just our family of five.

??????? You JUST said the space is for your parents.

For when they visit.

Again, speaking for MYself, this would be another thing that would say to me, "I disagree with this. I don't have a common way of thinking with these people." To me, the thought of so much square footage sitting empty, using $ to heat it and cool it, is so wasteful, the resources to buy it, build it, furnish it -- I cannot even believe it. The waste of environmental energy, the waste, the sheer waste.

Yup, so wasteful. I was raised to see that kind of conspicuous consumption (about half your house is empty most of the time, by design) as a sin, to be honest. And frankly, I'd figure that you were really materialistic and high maintenance and that you are totally out of touch with normal people.

And to think we bought this large house because we value our family so much.

But here is the thing. This doesn't make ANY sense to most people. I understand buying a larger house for visitors. We bought a larger house for a guest room in the basement so family can stay with us. But 15K for a house where only 5 people live most of the time? That is crazy. Unless you are showing off your wealth. I'm not wealthy, so maybe that is the way truly wealthy people act. But if you are looking to be friends with people of varying degrees of middle class (including upper middle class), that is going to make 0 sense to them. And at the end of the day, I choose my friends based on whether they are nice people and whether we have things in common. The way you are rationalizing this will make people question your choices.

I would almost rather a friend say "I bought a 15k square foot house because I had nothing better to do with my money". At least they are being honest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would but then again I Stay at home, live in a nice neighborhood and have a nice 4K foot house. It’s more about being gracious.

+1

Grace= ZERO judgment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I would strongly question your values and judgment if I knew you lived in such a big house. Can you explain why you do?

We have a home office, different areas for the different kids and a spacious in law suite.

Our parents are old and in bad health - cancer. The reason for the extra large home is for our parents. They may not have long to live so we want them to be comfortable and we want our own space.

Our entertaining areas, especially the baby areas, are the same as our old house. We just have new separate larger areas for the extended family and older kids. Our older kids attend public school.

Do you have like 4 sets of parents living with you? Otherwise, weird and we won’t be friends.

No one lives with us. It is just our family of five.

??????? You JUST said the space is for your parents.

For when they visit.

Again, speaking for MYself, this would be another thing that would say to me, "I disagree with this. I don't have a common way of thinking with these people." To me, the thought of so much square footage sitting empty, using $ to heat it and cool it, is so wasteful, the resources to buy it, build it, furnish it -- I cannot even believe it. The waste of environmental energy, the waste, the sheer waste.

Yup, so wasteful. I was raised to see that kind of conspicuous consumption (about half your house is empty most of the time, by design) as a sin, to be honest. And frankly, I'd figure that you were really materialistic and high maintenance and that you are totally out of touch with normal people.

And to think we bought this large house because we value our family so much.

You don't have to have all this space to care about your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry, OP, but I would think our lives are too different that we would not find that much in common to connect over.

For example, the explanation: "different areas for the different kids " jumps out at me because I purposefully have two kids sharing a small room in a bunkbed because I think it's great to share a bedroom with a sibling because it helps foster flexibility, a close relationship, etc. To purposefully design large spaces for each child goes against what is important to me.

Furthermore, the fact that you have your children in public school also jumps out at me, because just about the only thing I will spend "extra" $$ on is: education. I have both my kids in private schools and we scrimp and save to do so. Education is our highest priority so spending $$ on a large house and yet going with tax-subsidized "free" education seems like an anomaly to ME.

Holy judgy judge, batman.

OP, I think the posters saying this type of thing are really jealous.

I do like the PP who stated "what does your house/wealth have to do with me?" - because that PP gets it. Not all of us are the same, and that is okay. In fact, of the friends I have, those with the biggest houses do have the best parties! They don't expect people who "live differently than them" (code for smaller house or whatever PPs are trying to get at) to reciprocate, and definitely do not "compete" in any way. The friends with the bigger houses are busy with their own lives, and are less judgy, so there is that.

I don't think it's jealousy though. A 15k SF house is just world's away from average. IF you figure an average house in this area is 2500-3000 SF, that one is 5x to 6x larger than average. It's just another stratosphere, and signals a level of wealth far and above my own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are so judgy. A nice person is a nice person, regardless of the size of her house. I would be mildly anxious about hosting in my “lesser” house, but if we were really friends, I would get over it.

+1

Some of the PPs need to grow up. A lot!

We are not saying the OP is not a NICE PERSON (such a vague description). What we are saying is: the way she rationalizes this expense, the need for it, the reasons behind it =/= the way we think about these same issues. Conclusion? We don't have that in common. Though, yes, she may still be a "nice person."