would you pay for college for a 30 year old?

[Anonymous]

PP who wrote about ADD here. I agree that this is a financial issue, but it is not only a financial issue. I would suggest that counseling for the parents is called for as well. Ideally the parents and child would have gone through family counseling together a dozen or more years ago but it sounds like that didn't happen. It might be that after counseling they decide that the best solution is to cut the stepson off financially. Or they might end up drawing up a contract regarding what they can and cannot provide and what help he will or will not get. There are lots of possible outcomes. I am not a professional but I am a parent who has (successfully, at least so far) dealt with similar issues with one of my children.

I would like to see some empathy and understanding from the original poster. It sounds like the stepson is trying. He is almost through college and he is holding down a job. He has not turned to illegal drugs. He has not fathered a child out of wedlock. He has not been in trouble with the law. I am not hearing anything to suggest that he is a bad person. I am hearing things that sound like he is a person that needs more support and help than most 30 year olds need and I am hearing a step-mother write about it in a way that troubles me.

[Anonymous]

PP again. I am not suggesting "enabling" him. The goal is to have him become independent and not need help. Ideally that would have happened before he turned 30 but it didn't. Continuing to do what hasn't work (providing money for classes without any conditions) is almost certainly not the way to go. I am not a professional. Unlike many of the other people who posted on this thread I don't think I know the answer of what to do.

I am suggesting turning to a professional to discuss the best way to achieve that goal with an adult child who has been diagnosed in the past with a medical/psychological condition (ADD). In my non-professional opinion, there is a danger that just cutting him off could lead to depression and even suicide. I suggest that both the parents and the son get some professional help and figure out the best way to help the son grow up and become an independent, functioning adult which is what all parents should want for their children.

[Anonymous]

PP once again. While there is no way for parents to force a 30 year old to see a counselor, the 30 year old is asking for money. This gives the parents an opening, "Before we provide any more money we think that we all need to meet with a professional and figure out what is the best way to help you meet your goals in life."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the person who suggested ADD in the earlier post.

The fact that he can focus when he wants to does not mean that he doesn't have ADD. One of the symptoms of ADD is that people focus very intently on things that interest them and in fact have trouble shifting their focus from that to other things. Everything you have said points to ADD.

My son is a few years younger than your stepson and my son has ADD. We have been supportive and have worked with him and therapists to help him be successful in the areas where he has strengths. He never graduated from college (he also flunked classes) but he earns a six figure income and he owns a house. He is happy and in a good relationship. I know this is your stepson and not your son, but the fact that you are discussing this only as a financial issue and that you brought it to the financial section of this forum is disturbing to me.

Why did he stop the Ritalin? My son tried to get off Ritalin a few years ago and almost got fired from his six figure job. He is back on Ritalin and doing fine. While most kids outgrow the hyperactivity part of ADHD they often do not outgrow the attention deficit part.

Maybe ADD is over-diagnosed. I don't know. That doesn't change the fact that it sounds like your stepson needs help that he is not getting. Unfortunately, it sounds like he went through his teens and 20s without getting that help so now he is 30 and you need to deal with it now. Ignoring the issue, or cutting him off, won't make it go away. Even if you don't care about your stepson, if your husband is a normal parent he will never be totally happy as long as he sees his son struggling and that will have an impact on your marriage.

You know how many high school drop outs in this country? It's not because they have learning disabilities. There are a bunch of lazy kids who like to play video games and listen to heavy metal and skip school. It's not a medical condition.

ADD diagnosis doesn't exist outside of the U.S. IMHO it's a non-existent diagnosis to cover up behavioral problems and flaws in character.

What's next? Send them disability checks because they didn't feel like studying?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I would like to see some empathy and understanding from the original poster. It sounds like the stepson is trying. He is almost through college and he is holding down a job. He has not turned to illegal drugs. He has not fathered a child out of wedlock. He has not been in trouble with the law.

He's been through many jobs and lost some. The only reason he's trying hard now is because his mom won't let him move back in with her.

I don't know about drugs, it's a possibility. Problems with the law - I don't know of any incidents other than once he and his friends ran a car into a ditch.

He did get married briefly to a girl who a couple of turned out to be mentally sick - he was afraid to ask about the meds she was taking prior to the marriage. They got divorced shortly after that and HE'S LUCKY she didn't get pregnant. He hasn't been able to have long relationships with any of his girlfriends. So yes, maybe he does have mental issues. He mentioned he was seeing a counselor.

[Anonymous]

So I just found out how he failed the last two classes. He was calculating how many times he can not show up and still pass. And he miscalculated by one.

That pretty much summs up his attitude towards school since middle school.

[Anonymous]

No. I also don't believe 25 year olds belong on their parents' health insurance, so what do I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I just found out how he failed the last two classes. He was calculating how many times he can not show up and still pass. And he miscalculated by one.

That pretty much summs up his attitude towards school since middle school.

This means he is lazy and an idiot. A dangerous combination...

[Anonymous]

I did everything right... got good grades, took AP classes in high school, got 1/3 of my tuition in scholarships, and my parents made me take out the rest (both undergrad and grad) in student loans in my own name with the promise to pay it back.
I'm almost 8 years out and they have not paid a penny. They just paid off the loans for my younger step-sibling who has a record (and I'm not talking about education).

Can I ask some of you older parents a serious question... why is it that the "successful sibling" never gets any financial help meanwhile the 10yr deadbeat 30 year old who never graduated gets all this help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did everything right... got good grades, took AP classes in high school, got 1/3 of my tuition in scholarships, and my parents made me take out the rest (both undergrad and grad) in student loans in my own name with the promise to pay it back.
I'm almost 8 years out and they have not paid a penny. They just paid off the loans for my younger step-sibling who has a record (and I'm not talking about education).

Can I ask some of you older parents a serious question... why is it that the "successful sibling" never gets any financial help meanwhile the 10yr deadbeat 30 year old who never graduated gets all this help?

I think you may be over-extrapolating from your own experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did everything right... got good grades, took AP classes in high school, got 1/3 of my tuition in scholarships, and my parents made me take out the rest (both undergrad and grad) in student loans in my own name with the promise to pay it back.
I'm almost 8 years out and they have not paid a penny. They just paid off the loans for my younger step-sibling who has a record (and I'm not talking about education).

Can I ask some of you older parents a serious question... why is it that the "successful sibling" never gets any financial help meanwhile the 10yr deadbeat 30 year old who never graduated gets all this help?

I think you may be over-extrapolating from your own experience.

While the arrest record is my personal experience- the rest of it is actually pretty common from my core of friends.

[Anonymous]

OP, I thik you know your son has serious issues. IMO, giving him money for college is just enabling at this point. You can help him in other ways, and definitely encourage him and support his efforts. But do not throw money at this -- he needs to grow up and become responsible for his own life. I doubt he'll do this without feeling the discomfort of his own choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did everything right... got good grades, took AP classes in high school, got 1/3 of my tuition in scholarships, and my parents made me take out the rest (both undergrad and grad) in student loans in my own name with the promise to pay it back.
I'm almost 8 years out and they have not paid a penny. They just paid off the loans for my younger step-sibling who has a record (and I'm not talking about education).

Can I ask some of you older parents a serious question... why is it that the "successful sibling" never gets any financial help meanwhile the 10yr deadbeat 30 year old who never graduated gets all this help?

That's not a bad question. But look at some other examples:
In Fairfax County (and I'm sure elsewhere), who do schools with the highest % of reduced lunch fee get computers and smart boards and other tech and additional staff all before my kids' school in McLean or Vienna?
In the U.S., why does everyone want to tax me more because I earn >$450,000?
In an emergency room, why to the doctors treat the critical care patients before my kid's broken bone when we were here first?
See a pattern?

[Anonymous]

PP now I think YOU may be over-extrapolating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP now I think YOU may be over-extrapolating.

I think YOU are over-extrapolating if you conclude that is an extrapolation at all (because it's not). YOU'RE simply misunderstanding.