Bad marriages

[Anonymous]

My closest friends who knew me before i was married generally thought something might be wrong, and a few very perceptive people could sense it, but most people were shocked when I told them I was leaving my marriage.

A psychologist named Gottman talks about "Four Horsemen," which are four types of destructive communication styles: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. People who saw my ex spouse do these things were much more likely to sense a problem. These "Horsemen" are indicators of likely divorce. They're even better predictors than addiction or infidelity. My ex didn't do them in front of other people very often, but they were a huge part of my life inside the home, in the car, and when we were on vacation. My ex also lost sexual interest in me, and I eventually lost sexual interest in my ex after years of rejection. Those things aren't always apparent to people who see a couple around the neighborhood, at schoool, etc.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:You never know what’s truly going on in a family. When I decided to leave DH last year, all of our friends were surprised because I always “looked so happy” and they thought we are happy together.

On the other hand, people might vent to their friends making an impression of an unhappy couple but then they go home and feel quite good in general.

So you don't have any actual friends? Because I talk to mine about things we're going through. When I got divorced none of them were shocked.

My best friend of decades did this to me. She gushed about her dh and pretended to be happy but then one day told me "we got divorced several months ago." Honestly it still hurts. Obviously she hadn't considered me a best friend. We talked daily too, so it wasn't like I wasn't interested or involved in her life. I'm not a judgy person either.

I hope you can see that this is 100% about her and not about you. She was putting up a facade probably because she couldn't deal with her reality but that doesn't mean you weren't a good friend. Truly, this say nothing about you.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:You never know what’s truly going on in a family. When I decided to leave DH last year, all of our friends were surprised because I always “looked so happy” and they thought we are happy together.

On the other hand, people might vent to their friends making an impression of an unhappy couple but then they go home and feel quite good in general.

So you don't have any actual friends? Because I talk to mine about things we're going through. When I got divorced none of them were shocked.

I have a lot of actual friends. But what’s the point of complaining to them about a decision I made 20 years ago (to marry a man that I didn’t love)? I didn’t advertise it to the world that I didn’t love him and was unhappy because of that.

For example, he isn’t my type physically, and for more than 20 years, every time when I looked at him I thought how much I don’t like what his face looks like. It’s not something I’d share, and if your friend told you something like that, you’d think that they are insane.

This is the weirdest take on friendship I have ever heard. What's the point about talking to your friends about your life and your struggles? If you can't answer that, I truly can't help you. And you don't have very good friends or at least not deep friendships.

And if you married someone whose face you hate, I also don't know how to help you...

What’s the point of telling my friends that I don’t like DH’s face and name? They also wouldn’t know how to help me. It was my choice to marry him, and I owned it. When I became ready to pursue happiness, I made another choice by leaving him and finding a man who is my type physically, and now I can’t take my eyes and hands off him.

Look, you and your weird situation of marrying someone whose face and name you hate it isn't relevant to anyone else because no one does that. So yeah, you should keep quiet I guess. The rest of us generally marry people we don't despise, and then through the decades we have ups and downs, and we share those with our friends. Your story has literally no bearing on anyone else's because it's bizarre.

I’ve never said that I hate anything. Don’t like and hate are quite different terms, in my view. As I said, this is not something I’ve ever shared with anyone, and I think that a lot of people have thoughts/feelings that they don’t share with anyone (in the US, maybe they share with their therapist only). Therefore you have no idea how many people could be in my situation.

I'm going to say with pretty good confidence that I don't know anyone who "doesn't like" their husband's face. THAT IS WEIRD.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:You never know what’s truly going on in a family. When I decided to leave DH last year, all of our friends were surprised because I always “looked so happy” and they thought we are happy together.

On the other hand, people might vent to their friends making an impression of an unhappy couple but then they go home and feel quite good in general.

So you don't have any actual friends? Because I talk to mine about things we're going through. When I got divorced none of them were shocked.

I have a lot of actual friends. But what’s the point of complaining to them about a decision I made 20 years ago (to marry a man that I didn’t love)? I didn’t advertise it to the world that I didn’t love him and was unhappy because of that.

For example, he isn’t my type physically, and for more than 20 years, every time when I looked at him I thought how much I don’t like what his face looks like. It’s not something I’d share, and if your friend told you something like that, you’d think that they are insane.

So youre a liar and deceiver since obviously you must have faked loving him and being attracted to him to get him to marry you, for whatever the reasons were, which you conveniently omit. All the problems in your marriage are your own fault

Why do you feel a need to make up a story and attack a character of your fictitious story publicly? In reality, I’ve never pretended that I love him and have never said that I do. Now that I truly love my boyfriend, I have a big trouble saying that to him because I’ve literally have never ever said these words to any man - only to my children and friends.

So you've never told your friends that you love your husband. Which is quite a different story than what you told earlier.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:You never know what’s truly going on in a family. When I decided to leave DH last year, all of our friends were surprised because I always “looked so happy” and they thought we are happy together.

On the other hand, people might vent to their friends making an impression of an unhappy couple but then they go home and feel quite good in general.

So you don't have any actual friends? Because I talk to mine about things we're going through. When I got divorced none of them were shocked.

I have a lot of actual friends. But what’s the point of complaining to them about a decision I made 20 years ago (to marry a man that I didn’t love)? I didn’t advertise it to the world that I didn’t love him and was unhappy because of that.

For example, he isn’t my type physically, and for more than 20 years, every time when I looked at him I thought how much I don’t like what his face looks like. It’s not something I’d share, and if your friend told you something like that, you’d think that they are insane.

This is the weirdest take on friendship I have ever heard. What's the point about talking to your friends about your life and your struggles? If you can't answer that, I truly can't help you. And you don't have very good friends or at least not deep friendships.

And if you married someone whose face you hate, I also don't know how to help you...

What’s the point of telling my friends that I don’t like DH’s face and name? They also wouldn’t know how to help me. It was my choice to marry him, and I owned it. When I became ready to pursue happiness, I made another choice by leaving him and finding a man who is my type physically, and now I can’t take my eyes and hands off him.

Look, you and your weird situation of marrying someone whose face and name you hate it isn't relevant to anyone else because no one does that. So yeah, you should keep quiet I guess. The rest of us generally marry people we don't despise, and then through the decades we have ups and downs, and we share those with our friends. Your story has literally no bearing on anyone else's because it's bizarre.

I’ve never said that I hate anything. Don’t like and hate are quite different terms, in my view. As I said, this is not something I’ve ever shared with anyone, and I think that a lot of people have thoughts/feelings that they don’t share with anyone (in the US, maybe they share with their therapist only). Therefore you have no idea how many people could be in my situation.

That's not the point at all. Faking your way into a marriage with s person you don't love and aren't attracted to, for other reasons you don't share, is essentially a tremendous fraud you committed on your spouse. It's completely selfish and unfair. Your focus on your feelings, your unhappiness, is not relevant other than as a possible explanation of how you justified this marital charade: entitlement, self centeredness, and disregard for the welfare and feelings of the person you tricked into marrying you.it is completely unethical. Work on your honesty and integrity no one gives a rats ass about where you are happy or not except you

But at least now she has a boyfriend that she loves!

Never mind the fact that she brought children into this world with a man whose face she doesn't like. WTF.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:You never know what’s truly going on in a family. When I decided to leave DH last year, all of our friends were surprised because I always “looked so happy” and they thought we are happy together.

On the other hand, people might vent to their friends making an impression of an unhappy couple but then they go home and feel quite good in general.

So you don't have any actual friends? Because I talk to mine about things we're going through. When I got divorced none of them were shocked.

I have a lot of actual friends. But what’s the point of complaining to them about a decision I made 20 years ago (to marry a man that I didn’t love)? I didn’t advertise it to the world that I didn’t love him and was unhappy because of that.

For example, he isn’t my type physically, and for more than 20 years, every time when I looked at him I thought how much I don’t like what his face looks like. It’s not something I’d share, and if your friend told you something like that, you’d think that they are insane.

So youre a liar and deceiver since obviously you must have faked loving him and being attracted to him to get him to marry you, for whatever the reasons were, which you conveniently omit. All the problems in your marriage are your own fault

Why do you feel a need to make up a story and attack a character of your fictitious story publicly? In reality, I’ve never pretended that I love him and have never said that I do. Now that I truly love my boyfriend, I have a big trouble saying that to him because I’ve literally have never ever said these words to any man - only to my children and friends.

DP. A marriage where you never even pretended or said you loved your husband is so unusual that's it's an inappropriate place to start saying "you never know what's truly going on." Some of us (and I'm in a very different but equally rare boat myself) have strange marriages, but I don't go around projecting my unlikely experience on the world.

+100

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:You never know what’s truly going on in a family. When I decided to leave DH last year, all of our friends were surprised because I always “looked so happy” and they thought we are happy together.

On the other hand, people might vent to their friends making an impression of an unhappy couple but then they go home and feel quite good in general.

So you don't have any actual friends? Because I talk to mine about things we're going through. When I got divorced none of them were shocked.

I have a lot of actual friends. But what’s the point of complaining to them about a decision I made 20 years ago (to marry a man that I didn’t love)? I didn’t advertise it to the world that I didn’t love him and was unhappy because of that.

For example, he isn’t my type physically, and for more than 20 years, every time when I looked at him I thought how much I don’t like what his face looks like. It’s not something I’d share, and if your friend told you something like that, you’d think that they are insane.

This is the weirdest take on friendship I have ever heard. What's the point about talking to your friends about your life and your struggles? If you can't answer that, I truly can't help you. And you don't have very good friends or at least not deep friendships.

And if you married someone whose face you hate, I also don't know how to help you...

What’s the point of telling my friends that I don’t like DH’s face and name? They also wouldn’t know how to help me. It was my choice to marry him, and I owned it. When I became ready to pursue happiness, I made another choice by leaving him and finding a man who is my type physically, and now I can’t take my eyes and hands off him.

Look, you and your weird situation of marrying someone whose face and name you hate it isn't relevant to anyone else because no one does that. So yeah, you should keep quiet I guess. The rest of us generally marry people we don't despise, and then through the decades we have ups and downs, and we share those with our friends. Your story has literally no bearing on anyone else's because it's bizarre.

I’ve never said that I hate anything. Don’t like and hate are quite different terms, in my view. As I said, this is not something I’ve ever shared with anyone, and I think that a lot of people have thoughts/feelings that they don’t share with anyone (in the US, maybe they share with their therapist only). Therefore you have no idea how many people could be in my situation.

That's not the point at all. Faking your way into a marriage with s person you don't love and aren't attracted to, for other reasons you don't share, is essentially a tremendous fraud you committed on your spouse. It's completely selfish and unfair. Your focus on your feelings, your unhappiness, is not relevant other than as a possible explanation of how you justified this marital charade: entitlement, self centeredness, and disregard for the welfare and feelings of the person you tricked into marrying you.it is completely unethical. Work on your honesty and integrity no one gives a rats ass about where you are happy or not except you

You have no idea what you’re talking about, your monologue has nothing to do with my actual situation. It’s none of your business as to why I married him (no one in the whole world besides myself knows my story in full) - but I absolutely didn’t trick him into anything.

So you told him you don't like his face or his name and he was like that's cool I don't like yours either and then you figured you'd walk down the aisle together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m mid 40s and IRL my close friends seem to actually like their husbands. Sure we vent a bit here and there about men, but we also are thankful we married good fathers/husbands.

In the circle I run in, all the dads coach youth sports, are handy at fixing things around the house, carry their weight with childcare, make decent six figure income, are still athletic/fit, etc.

I realize it’s somewhat of a crapshoot since some guys seem good on paper and then turn into lousy partners once kids come along. But if you find one who is really into being a good father and husband, and you click with like minded families, I think you’ll find yourself around people in happy marriages.

But perhaps there will be a bunch of surprise divorces in the next decade so we’ll see!

My friends and I are the same but I'm late 40's. And yes there have been divorces, but only 3 of 20 or so couples.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:You never know what’s truly going on in a family. When I decided to leave DH last year, all of our friends were surprised because I always “looked so happy” and they thought we are happy together.

On the other hand, people might vent to their friends making an impression of an unhappy couple but then they go home and feel quite good in general.

So you don't have any actual friends? Because I talk to mine about things we're going through. When I got divorced none of them were shocked.

I have a lot of actual friends. But what’s the point of complaining to them about a decision I made 20 years ago (to marry a man that I didn’t love)? I didn’t advertise it to the world that I didn’t love him and was unhappy because of that.

For example, he isn’t my type physically, and for more than 20 years, every time when I looked at him I thought how much I don’t like what his face looks like. It’s not something I’d share, and if your friend told you something like that, you’d think that they are insane.

So youre a liar and deceiver since obviously you must have faked loving him and being attracted to him to get him to marry you, for whatever the reasons were, which you conveniently omit. All the problems in your marriage are your own fault

Why do you feel a need to make up a story and attack a character of your fictitious story publicly? In reality, I’ve never pretended that I love him and have never said that I do. Now that I truly love my boyfriend, I have a big trouble saying that to him because I’ve literally have never ever said these words to any man - only to my children and friends.

DP. A marriage where you never even pretended or said you loved your husband is so unusual that's it's an inappropriate place to start saying "you never know what's truly going on." Some of us (and I'm in a very different but equally rare boat myself) have strange marriages, but I don't go around projecting my unlikely experience on the world.

I’m not projecting my experience but I’m quite sure that many people don’t go around sharing everything about themselves and their marriages.

As I said, I have a lot of friends, and a lot of people confide in me and trust me. For example, I chatted with a coworker who is a dedicated father to his two little kids, and their marriage is very strong. He asked why I moved to a different city, and I told him that I left my husband, moved, and now have a boyfriend here. And he said: “I wish my wife took our kids and went somewhere for a long time, and I could get a girlfriend”. Does that mean that his marriage is unhappy? I don’t think so. He is just tired of so many responsibilities that came with two little kids. That’s why earlier on this thread I mentioned that sometimes people just vent and then go back to their lives and don’t feel a need to change anything.

You just get weirder and weirder with every comment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My closest friends who knew me before i was married generally thought something might be wrong, and a few very perceptive people could sense it, but most people were shocked when I told them I was leaving my marriage.

A psychologist named Gottman talks about "Four Horsemen," which are four types of destructive communication styles: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. People who saw my ex spouse do these things were much more likely to sense a problem. These "Horsemen" are indicators of likely divorce. They're even better predictors than addiction or infidelity. My ex didn't do them in front of other people very often, but they were a huge part of my life inside the home, in the car, and when we were on vacation. My ex also lost sexual interest in me, and I eventually lost sexual interest in my ex after years of rejection. Those things aren't always apparent to people who see a couple around the neighborhood, at schoool, etc.

Very often? That's not never. If I witnessed someone criticizing their spouse ever, I would notice. Some people pay attention to these things, perhaps you have to be very perceptive to do so but to me they stand out, I think because my parents didn't treat each other that way so I am shocked when I see it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:You never know what’s truly going on in a family. When I decided to leave DH last year, all of our friends were surprised because I always “looked so happy” and they thought we are happy together.

On the other hand, people might vent to their friends making an impression of an unhappy couple but then they go home and feel quite good in general.

So you don't have any actual friends? Because I talk to mine about things we're going through. When I got divorced none of them were shocked.

I have a lot of actual friends. But what’s the point of complaining to them about a decision I made 20 years ago (to marry a man that I didn’t love)? I didn’t advertise it to the world that I didn’t love him and was unhappy because of that.

For example, he isn’t my type physically, and for more than 20 years, every time when I looked at him I thought how much I don’t like what his face looks like. It’s not something I’d share, and if your friend told you something like that, you’d think that they are insane.

So youre a liar and deceiver since obviously you must have faked loving him and being attracted to him to get him to marry you, for whatever the reasons were, which you conveniently omit. All the problems in your marriage are your own fault

Why do you feel a need to make up a story and attack a character of your fictitious story publicly? In reality, I’ve never pretended that I love him and have never said that I do. Now that I truly love my boyfriend, I have a big trouble saying that to him because I’ve literally have never ever said these words to any man - only to my children and friends.

So you've never told your friends that you love your husband. Which is quite a different story than what you told earlier.

What are you talking about? I’ve never loved my husband and never told anyone that I do.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:You never know what’s truly going on in a family. When I decided to leave DH last year, all of our friends were surprised because I always “looked so happy” and they thought we are happy together.

On the other hand, people might vent to their friends making an impression of an unhappy couple but then they go home and feel quite good in general.

So you don't have any actual friends? Because I talk to mine about things we're going through. When I got divorced none of them were shocked.

I have a lot of actual friends. But what’s the point of complaining to them about a decision I made 20 years ago (to marry a man that I didn’t love)? I didn’t advertise it to the world that I didn’t love him and was unhappy because of that.

For example, he isn’t my type physically, and for more than 20 years, every time when I looked at him I thought how much I don’t like what his face looks like. It’s not something I’d share, and if your friend told you something like that, you’d think that they are insane.

This is the weirdest take on friendship I have ever heard. What's the point about talking to your friends about your life and your struggles? If you can't answer that, I truly can't help you. And you don't have very good friends or at least not deep friendships.

And if you married someone whose face you hate, I also don't know how to help you...

What’s the point of telling my friends that I don’t like DH’s face and name? They also wouldn’t know how to help me. It was my choice to marry him, and I owned it. When I became ready to pursue happiness, I made another choice by leaving him and finding a man who is my type physically, and now I can’t take my eyes and hands off him.

Look, you and your weird situation of marrying someone whose face and name you hate it isn't relevant to anyone else because no one does that. So yeah, you should keep quiet I guess. The rest of us generally marry people we don't despise, and then through the decades we have ups and downs, and we share those with our friends. Your story has literally no bearing on anyone else's because it's bizarre.

I’ve never said that I hate anything. Don’t like and hate are quite different terms, in my view. As I said, this is not something I’ve ever shared with anyone, and I think that a lot of people have thoughts/feelings that they don’t share with anyone (in the US, maybe they share with their therapist only). Therefore you have no idea how many people could be in my situation.

That's not the point at all. Faking your way into a marriage with s person you don't love and aren't attracted to, for other reasons you don't share, is essentially a tremendous fraud you committed on your spouse. It's completely selfish and unfair. Your focus on your feelings, your unhappiness, is not relevant other than as a possible explanation of how you justified this marital charade: entitlement, self centeredness, and disregard for the welfare and feelings of the person you tricked into marrying you.it is completely unethical. Work on your honesty and integrity no one gives a rats ass about where you are happy or not except you

You have no idea what you’re talking about, your monologue has nothing to do with my actual situation. It’s none of your business as to why I married him (no one in the whole world besides myself knows my story in full) - but I absolutely didn’t trick him into anything.

So you told him you don't like his face or his name and he was like that's cool I don't like yours either and then you figured you'd walk down the aisle together?

This is funny. There is no way I’ll tell my full story here. At some point I’ll write it down and sell it to Hollywood so that they could make a movie out of it. It’s quite unique.

[Anonymous]

A lot of people are very private about the “deep” things going on in their lives. They’ll share minutiae and nice things going on in their life and sometimes you don’t really think about whether there is much more under the surface. You feel you are friends with them and then bam! Their marriage is over.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:You never know what’s truly going on in a family. When I decided to leave DH last year, all of our friends were surprised because I always “looked so happy” and they thought we are happy together.

On the other hand, people might vent to their friends making an impression of an unhappy couple but then they go home and feel quite good in general.

So you don't have any actual friends? Because I talk to mine about things we're going through. When I got divorced none of them were shocked.

I have a lot of actual friends. But what’s the point of complaining to them about a decision I made 20 years ago (to marry a man that I didn’t love)? I didn’t advertise it to the world that I didn’t love him and was unhappy because of that.

For example, he isn’t my type physically, and for more than 20 years, every time when I looked at him I thought how much I don’t like what his face looks like. It’s not something I’d share, and if your friend told you something like that, you’d think that they are insane.

This is the weirdest take on friendship I have ever heard. What's the point about talking to your friends about your life and your struggles? If you can't answer that, I truly can't help you. And you don't have very good friends or at least not deep friendships.

And if you married someone whose face you hate, I also don't know how to help you...

What’s the point of telling my friends that I don’t like DH’s face and name? They also wouldn’t know how to help me. It was my choice to marry him, and I owned it. When I became ready to pursue happiness, I made another choice by leaving him and finding a man who is my type physically, and now I can’t take my eyes and hands off him.

Look, you and your weird situation of marrying someone whose face and name you hate it isn't relevant to anyone else because no one does that. So yeah, you should keep quiet I guess. The rest of us generally marry people we don't despise, and then through the decades we have ups and downs, and we share those with our friends. Your story has literally no bearing on anyone else's because it's bizarre.

I’ve never said that I hate anything. Don’t like and hate are quite different terms, in my view. As I said, this is not something I’ve ever shared with anyone, and I think that a lot of people have thoughts/feelings that they don’t share with anyone (in the US, maybe they share with their therapist only). Therefore you have no idea how many people could be in my situation.

That's not the point at all. Faking your way into a marriage with s person you don't love and aren't attracted to, for other reasons you don't share, is essentially a tremendous fraud you committed on your spouse. It's completely selfish and unfair. Your focus on your feelings, your unhappiness, is not relevant other than as a possible explanation of how you justified this marital charade: entitlement, self centeredness, and disregard for the welfare and feelings of the person you tricked into marrying you.it is completely unethical. Work on your honesty and integrity no one gives a rats ass about where you are happy or not except you

But at least now she has a boyfriend that she loves!

Never mind the fact that she brought children into this world with a man whose face she doesn't like. WTF.

So what? Our children are kind and very smart, one of them is already happily married. I obviously haven’t told them that their father is not my type physically.

[Anonymous]

friends that never talk about marriage good or bad its weird. There are a lot more bad marriages or marriages out of convenience than you think, but I for one pick up on things unsaid. One friends hubby always finds a reason to travel alone most weekends doesn't include or invite her. Things like that. I think people should have their own lives but when most free time is spend alone it doesn't look like a great marriage.