Kid's friend's parents lied to her that we're "too busy"

[Anonymous]

I think it's so weird that people are taking a FIVE YEAR OLDS account of what the mother said so seriously

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let it go. There’s this idea some parents have that kids can be "separated" from their families and, as long as the kids want to be friends, they should be allowed to do so. But that doesn’t work, and honestly, it shouldn’t. My child and another one wanted to be friends for years, but over time, things shifted. The other mom had a toxic view of the world that didn’t become apparent until her daughter had already absorbed it. Eventually, my child no longer wanted to be friends—and that was a good thing. It’s an important skill to learn how to resist the urge to always give in to every friendship impulse and to be discerning about who you choose to spend time with. A friend who isn’t available, even if it’s not her fault, just isn’t good relationship material.

When kids are younger, one play date is all it takes to be “best friends,” and it can be with anyone. Some parents resist directing this, feeling like it’s “engineering” the friendships. But when parents are friends with each other, kids pick up on the values they see modeled. So, when your kids are young, it's okay to help guide them toward good friendships. As they grow older, they can start figuring out their own paths.

I'm just not understanding how this works once kids are in school- do you find new families in your kid's class each year that "share your values?" Or do you just limit their interactions with "school" friends to in-school only?

I’ve had friends with kids since I was in my early twenties—my first close friend had a baby when we were both 24. In addition, I made friends since then organically. No, I can’t keep up with everyone. When my own kids were little, they spent a lot of time with the best of my friends and their kids, especially when the moms would get together.

Like most kids, mine would ask for playdates, and I’d take those requests as they came. For example, I wouldn’t have gone out of my way to set one up with a particular child, and I wouldn’t have asked why. It didn’t matter if the child wasn’t at fault. After a few requests, if it was clear a playdate wasn’t happening, I’d tell my child there was an unspoken reason behind it that wasn’t about her. My daughter might’ve wished it would work for years, but eventually, she learned it’s okay to let go of relationships that feel too difficult—especially when the other parent’s issues became apparent.

The same went for when others chose to pull their kids from spending time with us. We respected their decision without questioning it. Sometimes the reasons came out later, but it was good for my kids to hear that, even if the situation had something to do with them, it still wasn’t *about* them. It still spoke more about the other kids or families than them.

Now that our kids are older, they’ve had friends come and go. They’ve formed lasting relationships from different stages of their lives. They’ve got solid friendships from early childhood, as well as good groups of friends in other parts of their lives. They still have close relationships with some of my friends’ kids. The apple doesn’t always fall far from the tree:

Love this- can you be my mom??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a super social kid who was always asking for a playdate, either at our house or inviting herself to theirs, and it got exhausting. At a point I did start saying the other kid was busy because it was the easiest to get her to stop asking repeatedly. OP, you are looking for a problem where their isn't one.

Ok, so no is a complete sentence. Don’t lie about what other parents said.

Some of you have no idea what it's like to have a kid who is a relentless nagger like this kid is. The kid on the playground who repeatedly asks another parent for a playdate is the same kid who has a great deal of trouble taking no for an answer. When you have a kid like this, you do sometimes tell white lies because otherwise you are saying:

"Not today."
"I said no."
"I've heard enough about this."
"I'm done talking about this. "
"What did I just say?"
"If you can't stop talking about this, please go to your room."

about 15 different things ALL DAY LONG.

Trust me, when have a kid like this and you can short circuit a few of these conversations with, "We're all out of cookies," or "Larla is busy today," that is what you do to try to save everyone's sanity. Then you only have to have the conversation above 13 times that day.

[Anonymous]

I did things like that when my husband was abusive so we couldn't have people inside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did things like that when my husband was abusive so we couldn't have people inside.

But we aren’t talking about you and you don’t even know anything about the person and yet here you are suggesting scandalous behavior about a stranger. That’s called gossip and it damages communities and relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did things like that when my husband was abusive so we couldn't have people inside.

But we aren’t talking about you and you don’t even know anything about the person and yet here you are suggesting scandalous behavior about a stranger. That’s called gossip and it damages communities and relationships.

DP. You are nuts. How can someone relaying their own experience be gossiping?

[Anonymous]

Some people don’t want to host. There are a million reasons why, and one of those reasons might be that they don’t like you or the kid (but that seems unlikely since they let their kid come over to your house).

If you need some ideas, consider the following, off the top of my head: maybe the parents have older relatives or other children in their home that make it difficult or uncomfortable to host, maybe they feel insecure about their home or it’s not furnished or repairs are being done, maybe the parents both work outside the home and they are uncomfortable having their caregiver host, maybe their house isn’t suitable for hosting little ones (staircase is unsafe or something), maybe the parents are going through a divorce or there is a volatile or grouchy sibling in their house.

Or maybe the kid is an unreliable narrator and the parents didn’t tell the kid you were too busy after all. I wouldn’t worry too much about this.

[Anonymous]

I would let it go this time, like others have said they probably have a reason they don't want to host and it was easier to tell the kid a white lie. If it becomes a recurring pattern, I would probably come up with an equally obnoxious white lie for my kid to pass back, e.g., "Why do you keep telling Larla's mom we are too busy to come over?" me: "Because their house smells like farts."

j/k, I probably wouldn't do that, but I'd be annoyed if I kept having to field questions from my 5 yo about something I never said. So I'd probably say something to the parent at that point and ask them to stop.