Do you and DH / DW ever yell at each other?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m Italian, dh is Jewish. Lots of yelling. But we are also happily married and adore each other. I find couples who never fight to not necessarily be any happier than couples who fight

But fighting and yelling aren't the same thing...

My husband and I fight, as in we disagree and we argue. How could we not? We're two different people. BUT, we don't yell at each other or call each other names, no matter how upset we are.

I also want to point out that yelling AT someone is different than yelling TO someone. We absolutely increase our volume when communicating across the house, for example. But me yelling "can you please grab that bag on your way in?" isn't the same thing as yelling "you're an awful person."

Honestly, to me, the words matter more than the volume. Who yells nice things?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the time. I find it strange when couples can't work up enough emotion to fight every now and then. It's like you're sleepwalking through life.

Interesting that you seem to be confusing anger with passion. What does your therapist say about that?

I’m not the PP, but, I don’t know. What’s wrong with experiencing and expressing each and every human emotion? Sometimes you get so angry you yell. If your partner loves you deeply and accepts that you are human and will sometimes not behave in the most optimal way for the situation…then yelling (assuming no insulting or violence) is just one type of expression that comes out of human experience. They’ll forgive you. That’s how it works in my marriage, anyway. Sometimes we yell. We apologize. We recognize it was not the perfect response, but we’re not perfect people and we don’t expect the other to be perfect.

People are complex, communication between two is even more complex. In my 20 years with my partner (and plenty of yelling) I have never once questioned whether they love me, or want to be with me, or whether they’ll leave. They communicate so profusely, with such emotion, I never wonder. Just as it is perfectly clear when they are a certain kind of angry (they yell!), they are perfectly crystal clear in their love, too. It is just obvious. And a bit of yelling in the relationship almost reinforces that: we don’t only love each other when we behave perfectly. We ALSO love each other even when one makes a mistake and gets so angry they yell.

And I agree that some cultures are much more tolerant of yelling than others. Some cultures even see yelling as necessary and find someone who never yells to be suspicious, inauthentic, or too tightly guarded. Other cultures are opposite and see yelling as overly emotional, or even immature.
In my marriage one person comes from the former culture, one from the latter. Our solution is just to release yelling of any of those cultural deep meanings. It’s not immature, but it’s not a sign of health either. Yelling is emphatic expression from a person who is probably past their limit. We try not to do it, but sometimes we do, and then the task is to get out of it, forgive, and keep on loving each other.

THere is nothing wrong with experiencing and expressing each and every human emotion. But the PP clearly equates yelling with passion. Plenty of people have different ways of interacting and expressing their emotions that don't necessarily including yelling at someone. That doesn't mean they are "sleepwalking through life". That PP is definitely conflating passion and anger and implying that you are muted or deadening your emotions if you aren't a screamer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DW yells her ass off when we are having sex. We worry of our kids (4 and 5) will hear and think we are fighting.

ha! yes, if that counts, then I yell at my DW at least a couple of times each week and every Saturday morning!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DW yells her ass off when we are having sex. We worry of our kids (4 and 5) will hear and think we are fighting.

Your poor kids

[Anonymous]

Yes, lately we've both become unfiltered. We're in the middle of a home remodel that could break us, financially and as a couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once. Towards the end of covid we were taking an international flight to Lisbon. My husband was having a boarder-line panic attack because the system to check in was all wacky. He insisted we just leave and I yelled "Shut the F up" at Dulles. There was a small family nearby. It weirdly worked but I felt bad about it.

That is NOT okay…