Obgyn pushy about hurrying to conceive at 39 .. I thought this was not an uncommon conception age?

[Anonymous]

Had my kid at 42 with a donor egg.

Anyone having their first child at 42 or after is very likely using donor eggs or eggs they froze when younger. It just is. I’m not talking about your grandma who had 8 kids and the 8th when she was 44.

[Anonymous]

You could be a grandmother…

[Anonymous]

Dh and I married young and figured we’d start trying for a baby at 28. Well 4 years of TTC later and we hadn’t even had a miscarriage. I was surrounded by women and men who kept bragging about getting pregnant the first time they tried. It made me feel so bad that I never told anyone about going to fertility clinics. I did eventually have 3 kids, each 3 years apart (two have the same birthday!). Even with IVF, I started trying when they were 6 months old, so it still took several rounds. Never had a miscarriage, I just couldn’t get pregnant.

[Anonymous]

I think OP could be a troll but it is true that otherwise well educated women don’t understand fertility. I remember a friend of mine talking with me at 37 about fertility as if she believed she had many more years to make up her mind. Looking back I wish I had been more blunt with her … otoh it would have been a total disaster if she had had a baby with her then-boyfriend so I think it worked out.

[Anonymous]

I think the doctor would have been committing malpractice if she had NOT advised OP that she needs to get pregnant soon if she wants kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I clearly was very uninformed. I hadn’t followed data closely nor had anyone in my core circle or extended circle seemingly had difficulties or abnormalities. Most of my group is Masters educated, middle class African American, Puerto Rican, and Filipino. Raised and schooled pre-college in PG County. Which may be a much smaller data point than Caucasian women.

I am in no way offended at the remarks here nor my doctors - I was simply shocked at her blunt push to start immediately.

We're getting to some loaded questions here, OP. Do you think the bolded is a factor in being knowledgeable about a wide range of medically-important topics?

I am Black also and I am not surprised and before OP posted her race, I guessed that she might also be Black. In my experience, I have found that my achiever Black friends were much more focused on academic and career success than marriage and fertility compared to my achiever white friends. Not that my Black friends weren't interested in marriage - they are, and a common frustration is the lack of quality men who are similarly interested in marriage and settling down, but in general, my white peers were laser focused on finding the husband sooner, at the same time they were career climbing, while my Black friends were more focused on their individual success and then as they got older began focusing more on trying to find a husband. What this means is that the white women are getting married earlier and still doing the career climbing and have many more years of being married and building wealth with a partner before they start TTC and they can then more easily afford fertility treatments, while I see my Black friends get married later and get smacked in the face with the expense of fertility treatments. So OP is probably not being disingenuous in saying she's not hearing about this among her peer group, especially if the majority of her peer group is not yet married and actively TTC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went for my yearly visit and she was very frank about it needing to happen soon. She apologized for being pushy but said the chances of chromosomal abnormalities hits very hard at 40 and the curve goes up and up and up.

I was shocked or surprised given how many women I see online having children at 45+ in recent years. These being healthy children as well.

You don’t know if they pre-selected embryos, aborted at 15 weeks, or used donor eggs to get healthy babies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I clearly was very uninformed. I hadn’t followed data closely nor had anyone in my core circle or extended circle seemingly had difficulties or abnormalities. Most of my group is Masters educated, middle class African American, Puerto Rican, and Filipino. Raised and schooled pre-college in PG County. Which may be a much smaller data point than Caucasian women.

I am in no way offended at the remarks here nor my doctors - I was simply shocked at her blunt push to start immediately.

We're getting to some loaded questions here, OP. Do you think the bolded is a factor in being knowledgeable about a wide range of medically-important topics?

I am Black also and I am not surprised and before OP posted her race, I guessed that she might also be Black. In my experience, I have found that my achiever Black friends were much more focused on academic and career success than marriage and fertility compared to my achiever white friends. Not that my Black friends weren't interested in marriage - they are, and a common frustration is the lack of quality men who are similarly interested in marriage and settling down, but in general, my white peers were laser focused on finding the husband sooner, at the same time they were career climbing, while my Black friends were more focused on their individual success and then as they got older began focusing more on trying to find a husband. What this means is that the white women are getting married earlier and still doing the career climbing and have many more years of being married and building wealth with a partner before they start TTC and they can then more easily afford fertility treatments, while I see my Black friends get married later and get smacked in the face with the expense of fertility treatments. So OP is probably not being disingenuous in saying she's not hearing about this among her peer group, especially if the majority of her peer group is not yet married and actively TTC.

I’m also Black. About 50% of my female relatives and Black friends waited. That worked for some, but many of those who waited still don’t have a child. Some who waited for marriage specifically still ended up single parenting through ART or adoption at 45.

I didn’t wait. I had two before 35. I later adopted a third child. Of course, having my kids “young” had financial and career costs. I’m happy with the choice I made. All that matters is that people are aware they are making a choice that has consequences either way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d reccomend reading the relevant chapter or two of Expecting Better and It Starts With the Egg.

You are both right. Your doctor wants the best chances, and the best chances are younger. Miscarriage rate and terminate-for-medical-reasons go up with age, as do abnormalities you can’t test for in utero. But also, lots of people do have helathy babies in late 30s/early 40s. 45+ is rarer.

Also, if you want more than one, it gets harder.

With great effort and suffering.

Not always. I and several a half dozen of my friends had kids at 39-41 (mostly women of color). I believe only one used her previously retrieved/frozen egg. The rest were natural or with donor sperm (IUI not IVF).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every year after 35, the fertility, fetal, maternal, and neonatal risks and complications rise.

You absolutely can have a healthy baby at 40 or 42, it is just that the chances of problems and complications is higher.

Glad someone posted about the health risks. As medical professionals, we see the impacts of geriatric pregnancy. I know the word is offensive. Your doctor is doing your favor. You don’t wanna bring a child into the world that will need 24 hour care when you’re in your 50s and 60s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes that's on the late side. Look at fertility stats not random infuencers.

I have no idea where you are seeing 45+ besides celebrities.

45 + celebs use surrogates. Yup, you are on the late side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:39 is old!

Agree! I was the one 39 year old with my first and only child, now I'm 50. So let me tell you this: If I could turn the time back, I would have kids as early as I possibly could. Why? You have more energy, you have less chance of Down's syndrome, grandparents are younger and healthier ( so they can help or visit more often). We were not sure if we wanted kids and waited 11 years after our marriage to have a child. I have always thought when I was in my late 20s that if I want a child, then I would do it before I'm 35. Then, somehow we stopped thinking about the child, then we got sort of desperate and I got pregnant naturally without problems. Being an older parent sucks on so many levels. Most of my friends have their kids finishing college while my child hasn't even entered middle school. If you want a child, you better do it NOW!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's right and wrong. After zero fertility issues before 35, I lost every pregnancy conceived after 36. None were chromosomally abnormal.

What part was wrong?

Huh why/ how do you know that

[Anonymous]

Delivered my 2nd at 40.... but from an egg I froze at 33. Don't be fooled. My 39 year old retrieval led to zero euploid first round and only 1 the 2nd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d reccomend reading the relevant chapter or two of Expecting Better and It Starts With the Egg.

You are both right. Your doctor wants the best chances, and the best chances are younger. Miscarriage rate and terminate-for-medical-reasons go up with age, as do abnormalities you can’t test for in utero. But also, lots of people do have helathy babies in late 30s/early 40s. 45+ is rarer.

Also, if you want more than one, it gets harder.

With great effort and suffering.

Not always. I and several a half dozen of my friends had kids at 39-41 (mostly women of color). I believe only one used her previously retrieved/frozen egg. The rest were natural or with donor sperm (IUI not IVF).

Yeah. For some women, getting pregnant into their late 30s and early 40s is not a problem. You just can’t know beforehand if that’s going to be easy or possible for you.