DH walked out, I think- what do I do now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s having an affair and is looking for a way to make you the bad spouse so he can justify his actions.

this was my first thought too (DP)

Me too, but leaving the phone and car is weird. Unless he had pre-arranged plans to walk over or get picked up

Prob had his affair burner phone on him

[Anonymous]

He left car for errands. He left phone so as to be untracked.

[Anonymous]

That’s the strange way my spouse started acting when he started an affair. It’s very disconcerting and out of character. Same age as you/yours when it happened.

[Anonymous]

Call the cops and report him missing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oof, I remember this. The silent treatment, the manufacturing of conflicts out of thin air when I asked him what was wrong, the feeling that I annoyed him by even existing, the entitlement to check out or stomp out knowing I would provide continuity for whatever needed to happen….finish cooking, pay the restaurant check, entertain the guests. It was horrible.

Yes he was sleeping around, but that was merely a symptom of deep, pathological selfishness, spiced up by a fun whiff of sociopathy. He was an empathy void. And boy did he hide that well before he locked me down.

You know those men who leave when the wife gets sick? Yeah. I wasn’t going to stick around and find out.

I’m sorry OP. I have been there and for me, it never got better. Maybe it will for you. But I’d take this event as the bellwether it is. With no discussion, and over a nonsense event (the plant thing? Really?), he bailed on you and your kids. Hell, he even endangered the dog by leaving the gate open.

I’m leery of men whose protective instincts of those more vulnerable don’t remain intact in moments like this. They often make bad life partners. I would insist on counseling, no two ways about it.

OP and that is what I needed to hear. Whatever is going on with DH and whatever emotions I dared to express (apparently dcum agrees with him and thinks I need to squish myself down into the tiniest lump possible and not say a word about anything ever) don’t change the fact that he sought to make himself more emotionally comfortable at the expense of one of his own kids having to miss a baseball game or a birthday party and the dog potentially running into a busy street.

Nobody said this OP. They responded to the fact that your DH got irritated and walked out of a room and your reaction, when he didn't come back into the room, was, in your own words: "after 10 minutes I started frantically walking through the house." No one wants to live with someone running around "frantic" because they walked out of a room. The fact that you don't understand that this is not the same thing as "not say a word about anything ever" reveals your profound immaturity. As does your ratcheting the situation up to where a child misses a birthday party or the dog is killed in the street, when your original post suggests nothing beyond a quiet afternoon at home.

He's probably close to done with your emotional immaturity. You better get a handle on your behavior or next time the car and phone will be gone as well.

dp Are you claiming that the husband is the mature one? Do mature people walk out and not discuss what was bothering them? I can't believe the majority of posters are taking his side!

Op I don't know what I would do but, I would seriously think about divorce if you can swing it. This is no way to live

Have you read OP's posts? The incredible amount of drama in them?

Yes, I'm betting the DH is the more mature one here.

Of course I have read it! I don't comment on things I haven't fully read. If DH had explained why they were upset without the silent treatment and without storming out of the home you might have an arugumet. But he didn't and I can't support that

Are you and OP related, cause you sound like a crazy pants too!

Actually. The crazy pants person is you! A mature person doesn't run away from your problems. You discuss it and work on a solution for both people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He needs his space. And you're worried about him being gone for a couple of hours. He's may be close to making some big life decisions. And you might not be in it.

What you do is: you let him save face. He returns. He returns to a gentle, calm environment. He is telling you with actions and told you with words: it's too much. Too much stress. You expect too much emotional support -- go find friends, others to help with your emotional needs. He can't do it. It's too much for him, he's not wired that way. Likely too, you have the kids scheduled way too much. Especially revealing when, in the middle of a marriage crisis, *your* concern is how to get the kids to their activities and how you will get your errands accomplished. He's rethinking the marriage and you don't get what's important.

This, I think. He isn't a person who talks about his feelings and emotions? He has them, though. He just doesn't want to, or doesn't know how to without breaking down, or doesn't want to feel week. But he's got stresses and problems he doesn't let on about. Maybe big ones. And maybe those are at a critical point. Work? Job? Health?

He can't cope with his and listen to you "share" or "vent" or prattle on at the plant store.
In an ideal world, of course he should be able to.
But this is where he is now.

Ah yes, the DH is a man so he must just be operating on a higher plane of intelligence and emotional sophistication than OP can even imagine. He shouldn’t be expected to lower himself to polite interactions with people who have time on the weekend to look at plants. And OP should be seen and not heard, doesn’t she know that?

Really he is so superior that he shouldn’t have to interact with his family at all, right? OP is just a dumb little girl who doesn’t understand how the world works, right?

/s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So he was annoyed that you expected him to sit and listen to you cry and/or rant about the school situation and then you expected him to stand quietly while you chatted with some random person you didn’t even really want to talk to while he was waiting for you?

We were at a plant nursery and a woman in line with us noticed we were buying the same plant and shared her ideas about it and asked what I was going to do with mine. He said it was ridiculous that I felt the need to respond to her and why did I have to be like that.

I didn’t cry or rant about the school thing. I said I was really upset and worried about x thing that school told us had happened and wondered how we should talk to DD and how we should respond to school. He said nothing was going to fix it so we should just tell school it was fine and I should stop wasting everyone’s time on it.

You know he’s insane, right? He must have a horrible time in the world. What a petty little b. Do you like him? He sounds absolutely insufferable. Has he always been? What a miserable existence.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP. My best guess is:

Either he's conducting an affair and has started the blame game to make himself feel better. Or, if he's exhibited signs of inappropriate social reactions before, he's on the autism spectrum and will continue to have these reactions now and again all throughout his life, when he's stressed out.

Both scenarios are very serious. Get your act together, because you have some hard decisions to make for your family's future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'm so sorry, OP. My best guess is:

Either he's conducting an affair and has started the blame game to make himself feel better. Or, if he's exhibited signs of inappropriate social reactions before, he's on the autism spectrum and will continue to have these reactions now and again all throughout his life, when he's stressed out.

Both scenarios are very serious. Get your act together, because you have some hard decisions to make for your family's future.

Is autism a reason for not getting shared custody? That would be sometime to investigate before leaving kids with him half time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So he was annoyed that you expected him to sit and listen to you cry and/or rant about the school situation and then you expected him to stand quietly while you chatted with some random person you didn’t even really want to talk to while he was waiting for you?

We were at a plant nursery and a woman in line with us noticed we were buying the same plant and shared her ideas about it and asked what I was going to do with mine. He said it was ridiculous that I felt the need to respond to her and why did I have to be like that.

I didn’t cry or rant about the school thing. I said I was really upset and worried about x thing that school told us had happened and wondered how we should talk to DD and how we should respond to school. He said nothing was going to fix it so we should just tell school it was fine and I should stop wasting everyone’s time on it.

You know he’s insane, right? He must have a horrible time in the world. What a petty little b. Do you like him? He sounds absolutely insufferable. Has he always been? What a miserable existence.

He’s probably always been insufferable but has always told me I’m in the wrong. As someone who is really adaptable and flexible and has a ton of empathy, I’ve usually been very thoughtful about his “feedback.” But I think I was actually just contorting myself in an attempt to manage his reactions. Honestly, it’s hard to see it clearly from inside this mess, and my family and friends not being here to witness the everyday makes it harder because I don’t have anyone observing it and saying it’s normal or not.

I will say that when my friends visit or we have rare social occasions, it’s like he can flip a switch when he wants to and play nice. But he can also withdraw and sulk to sort of punish me for social obligations, and that’s when I feel like I scramble to cover for him so I won’t lose all my connections completely.

Also he did come back tonight, pretending everything is normal, and when I tried to say that the silent treatment is inappropriate and abusive, he told me I’m abusing him and smirked at me and walked to another room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh yes, and make calmer weekends so they are an oasis or sanctuary from the world. Lawn companies will mow for around $40. Get it done a weekday.
Anything that can get done on a weekday, get it done. Don't save chore stuff up for the weekend.

What? No, they will not.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like my constantly butt-hurt husband.

I cannot afford to divorce him.

I hope and pray that YOU are able to get out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oof, I remember this. The silent treatment, the manufacturing of conflicts out of thin air when I asked him what was wrong, the feeling that I annoyed him by even existing, the entitlement to check out or stomp out knowing I would provide continuity for whatever needed to happen….finish cooking, pay the restaurant check, entertain the guests. It was horrible.

Yes he was sleeping around, but that was merely a symptom of deep, pathological selfishness, spiced up by a fun whiff of sociopathy. He was an empathy void. And boy did he hide that well before he locked me down.

You know those men who leave when the wife gets sick? Yeah. I wasn’t going to stick around and find out.

I’m sorry OP. I have been there and for me, it never got better. Maybe it will for you. But I’d take this event as the bellwether it is. With no discussion, and over a nonsense event (the plant thing? Really?), he bailed on you and your kids. Hell, he even endangered the dog by leaving the gate open.

I’m leery of men whose protective instincts of those more vulnerable don’t remain intact in moments like this. They often make bad life partners. I would insist on counseling, no two ways about it.

OP and that is what I needed to hear. Whatever is going on with DH and whatever emotions I dared to express (apparently dcum agrees with him and thinks I need to squish myself down into the tiniest lump possible and not say a word about anything ever) don’t change the fact that he sought to make himself more emotionally comfortable at the expense of one of his own kids having to miss a baseball game or a birthday party and the dog potentially running into a busy street.

Nobody said this OP. They responded to the fact that your DH got irritated and walked out of a room and your reaction, when he didn't come back into the room, was, in your own words: "after 10 minutes I started frantically walking through the house." No one wants to live with someone running around "frantic" because they walked out of a room. The fact that you don't understand that this is not the same thing as "not say a word about anything ever" reveals your profound immaturity. As does your ratcheting the situation up to where a child misses a birthday party or the dog is killed in the street, when your original post suggests nothing beyond a quiet afternoon at home.

He's probably close to done with your emotional immaturity. You better get a handle on your behavior or next time the car and phone will be gone as well.

dp Are you claiming that the husband is the mature one? Do mature people walk out and not discuss what was bothering them? I can't believe the majority of posters are taking his side!

Op I don't know what I would do but, I would seriously think about divorce if you can swing it. This is no way to live

Have you read OP's posts? The incredible amount of drama in them?

Yes, I'm betting the DH is the more mature one here.

Of course I have read it! I don't comment on things I haven't fully read. If DH had explained why they were upset without the silent treatment and without storming out of the home you might have an arugumet. But he didn't and I can't support that

Are you and OP related, cause you sound like a crazy pants too!

Actually. The crazy pants person is you! A mature person doesn't run away from your problems. You discuss it and work on a solution for both people.

A mature person doesn't run "frantic" through the house looking for someone because 10 mins have passed and they didn't "come back" either. Highly reasonable to run away from that bad energy -- no solution to that kind of attention-seeking desperation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He needs his space. And you're worried about him being gone for a couple of hours. He's may be close to making some big life decisions. And you might not be in it.

What you do is: you let him save face. He returns. He returns to a gentle, calm environment. He is telling you with actions and told you with words: it's too much. Too much stress. You expect too much emotional support -- go find friends, others to help with your emotional needs. He can't do it. It's too much for him, he's not wired that way. Likely too, you have the kids scheduled way too much. Especially revealing when, in the middle of a marriage crisis, *your* concern is how to get the kids to their activities and how you will get your errands accomplished. He's rethinking the marriage and you don't get what's important.

This, I think. He isn't a person who talks about his feelings and emotions? He has them, though. He just doesn't want to, or doesn't know how to without breaking down, or doesn't want to feel week. But he's got stresses and problems he doesn't let on about. Maybe big ones. And maybe those are at a critical point. Work? Job? Health?

He can't cope with his and listen to you "share" or "vent" or prattle on at the plant store.
In an ideal world, of course he should be able to.
But this is where he is now.

Ah yes, the DH is a man so he must just be operating on a higher plane of intelligence and emotional sophistication than OP can even imagine. He shouldn’t be expected to lower himself to polite interactions with people who have time on the weekend to look at plants. And OP should be seen and not heard, doesn’t she know that?

Really he is so superior that he shouldn’t have to interact with his family at all, right? OP is just a dumb little girl who doesn’t understand how the world works, right?

/s

Seems like a distinct possibility. DP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So he was annoyed that you expected him to sit and listen to you cry and/or rant about the school situation and then you expected him to stand quietly while you chatted with some random person you didn’t even really want to talk to while he was waiting for you?

We were at a plant nursery and a woman in line with us noticed we were buying the same plant and shared her ideas about it and asked what I was going to do with mine. He said it was ridiculous that I felt the need to respond to her and why did I have to be like that.

I didn’t cry or rant about the school thing. I said I was really upset and worried about x thing that school told us had happened and wondered how we should talk to DD and how we should respond to school. He said nothing was going to fix it so we should just tell school it was fine and I should stop wasting everyone’s time on it.

You know he’s insane, right? He must have a horrible time in the world. What a petty little b. Do you like him? He sounds absolutely insufferable. Has he always been? What a miserable existence.

He’s probably always been insufferable but has always told me I’m in the wrong. As someone who is really adaptable and flexible and has a ton of empathy, I’ve usually been very thoughtful about his “feedback.” But I think I was actually just contorting myself in an attempt to manage his reactions. Honestly, it’s hard to see it clearly from inside this mess, and my family and friends not being here to witness the everyday makes it harder because I don’t have anyone observing it and saying it’s normal or not.

I will say that when my friends visit or we have rare social occasions, it’s like he can flip a switch when he wants to and play nice. But he can also withdraw and sulk to sort of punish me for social obligations, and that’s when I feel like I scramble to cover for him so I won’t lose all my connections completely.

Also he did come back tonight, pretending everything is normal, and when I tried to say that the silent treatment is inappropriate and abusive, he told me I’m abusing him and smirked at me and walked to another room.

Thank you for update. Sounds like a challenging situation. Was his upbringing dysfunctional? How are his parents?