“I’m destitute, and I need you to solve this”

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't have all the answers, but first thing-I would get her on ALL the housing lists where she lives. Ones for elderly buildings and also for elderly section 8. Whatever lists there are, get on them. They can be long, and she can always decline a place if her name comes up, but if she doesn't get on the list-she won't have it when she needs it.

Maybe you could help her apply for Social Security Disability? That could also take a long time, so the time to start is now. She could keep looking for a job in the meantime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She needs to go into a government home. Call the senior care department of the county she lives in. They will tell you what can and cannot be done in her case. I think bankruptcy was a good move. It will facilitate things for the government home.

Those don’t exist in the U.S.

There are Medicaid beds in nursing homes (the government pays for your care), but few of them and the patient must a) medically qualify and b) be destitute. You also need someone who can find a home with an available bed and push the application process forward. It became my FTJ when my dad needed to get a Medicaid bed. I had to take FMLA. Thankfully, we had my DH’s income though he was still teaching at the time. Four people on a teacher’s salary was scary.

We had to prove that my dad couldn’t do multiple activities of daily living independently and had fewer than $2k assets. It took 2 months, during which he was admitted to a rehab wing of the facility to try to improve his walking. He had days before he was going to be discharged from rehab for failure to progress. There wasn’t a Medicaid bed for him yet. In the end, we were saved by black luck, the pandemic made a number of residents die or their families panicked and took them home.

There’s a 5 year look back on assets so you can’t impoverish yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If other people ask me to solve their problems, they might not like the solution, which is tough love.

Jesus Christ, this is how you think about the person who birthed and raised you?

A mom can be a mom devoid of birthing a child. Have you heard of adoption?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once again, the elderly haters are out in force. You people have no idea what your future will be like but you will be old in a wink of an eye.

There is an entire spectrum here. Do nothing and let her live in a government home to letting her move in with you and find her lifestyle. Neither of those options are reasonable. She needs to learn and have some skin in the game. But it can be done with compassion. What is that? I do t know all your details but a financial person (& therapist) can help find that place that works for you.

Honestly, the coldness some of you have towards family, and specifically parents who raised you, is breathtakingly selfish. But I do believe we do have the obligation to care for loving parents as they age. That doesn’t mean giving them what they want 100% or giving at the ruin of your own family. Jesus, people.

You assume they actually raised us. My mom is abusuve and irresponsible. And no. I’m not going to keep allowing her to bite the hands that feed the entitled wench

We aren’t talking about you. Stay on topic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what I have recently been told by my elderly mom. This situation has been brewing for a looong time but now I feel like I need to post not only for some insight, but also just so I can get things off my chest. Will try to stay vague on some details.

Mom is early 70s and lives alone. Dad died years ago – had nothing, no life insurance, savings, etc. Mom was getting along well enough since that time, living off social security and working. Parents always spent like crazy and lived off credit cards so no savings/investments/retirement accounts even though everyone in their lives, for decades, unsuccessfully attempted to move them in a direction of even basic financial planning.

I didn’t realize the extent of the debt until recently when mom lost her job, her only income stream outside of social security. We’re talking tens of thousands in credit card debt. Plus a mortgage (maybe taking up two thirds of the home’s value) and, of course, a car payment for a car purchased unbeknownst to us - just before the job loss. The house and car notes alone exceed what she gets in social security. Long story short, she is in the bankruptcy filing process to eliminate the credit card debt. I’m not sure if this was the best course of action but it was encouraged by another family member, who has helped with the legal fees. Mom wants to go back to work but we (the rest of the family) are unsure if a job is even realistic given her age and physical limitations. She will not consider taking in a roommate, which in my mind would solve the income problem to some extent.

I live several hours drive away, while my sibling lives closer to her. Sibling is likely not willing to step in financially so that leaves me trying to figure out what the heck to do without wrecking my own financial future, all while working and raising my own family with no help, financial or otherwise, on either side. So fun!
The past couple months I have been sending grocery store gift cards to help with food and prescription needs. Obviously, some bigger plans will need to be made. Her moving into our house is not an option for various reasons I won’t get into here. I have considered the possibility of buying a place near me for her to live and pay what she can but of course that will put financial strain on my immediate family. I’ve also begun the process of looking into what programs for which she may qualify, housing and otherwise. It’s all so overwhelming and the stress is getting to me. It sucks even worse because she wasn’t a bad mother, just really bad with money and gave no thought to the future and always assumed someone else would fix things.

Your sibling is right to not want to step in financially at this point and nor should you. There may come a point where you are genuinely faced with either subsidizing her or seeing her truly penniless but you’re not at that point and swooping in to help her now will just enable her bad habits and prematurely drain your own funds.

She either takes in a roommate or sells the house and uses the proceeds towards rent for a more sustainable no frills studio apartment (while getting on any available lists for senior subsidized housing.)

If she refuses to do either then you need to just stay out of it and let her face the natural consequences.

This, OP. Do not sacrifice your life/family/financial stability for their bad choices. FWIW I think it should go the other way, too - a parent should not enable an entitled child who keeps taking either.

Keep telling yourself that your children are your #1 priority. Make it your mantra so it rolls off your tongue. "This is for my children." They should not suffer the consequences of your parents' bad choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what I have recently been told by my elderly mom. This situation has been brewing for a looong time but now I feel like I need to post not only for some insight, but also just so I can get things off my chest. Will try to stay vague on some details.

Mom is early 70s and lives alone. Dad died years ago – had nothing, no life insurance, savings, etc. Mom was getting along well enough since that time, living off social security and working. Parents always spent like crazy and lived off credit cards so no savings/investments/retirement accounts even though everyone in their lives, for decades, unsuccessfully attempted to move them in a direction of even basic financial planning.

I didn’t realize the extent of the debt until recently when mom lost her job, her only income stream outside of social security. We’re talking tens of thousands in credit card debt. Plus a mortgage (maybe taking up two thirds of the home’s value) and, of course, a car payment for a car purchased unbeknownst to us - just before the job loss. The house and car notes alone exceed what she gets in social security. Long story short, she is in the bankruptcy filing process to eliminate the credit card debt. I’m not sure if this was the best course of action but it was encouraged by another family member, who has helped with the legal fees. Mom wants to go back to work but we (the rest of the family) are unsure if a job is even realistic given her age and physical limitations. She will not consider taking in a roommate, which in my mind would solve the income problem to some extent.

I live several hours drive away, while my sibling lives closer to her. Sibling is likely not willing to step in financially so that leaves me trying to figure out what the heck to do without wrecking my own financial future, all while working and raising my own family with no help, financial or otherwise, on either side. So fun!
The past couple months I have been sending grocery store gift cards to help with food and prescription needs. Obviously, some bigger plans will need to be made. Her moving into our house is not an option for various reasons I won’t get into here. I have considered the possibility of buying a place near me for her to live and pay what she can but of course that will put financial strain on my immediate family. I’ve also begun the process of looking into what programs for which she may qualify, housing and otherwise. It’s all so overwhelming and the stress is getting to me. It sucks even worse because she wasn’t a bad mother, just really bad with money and gave no thought to the future and always assumed someone else would fix things.

Your sibling is right to not want to step in financially at this point and nor should you. There may come a point where you are genuinely faced with either subsidizing her or seeing her truly penniless but you’re not at that point and swooping in to help her now will just enable her bad habits and prematurely drain your own funds.

She either takes in a roommate or sells the house and uses the proceeds towards rent for a more sustainable no frills studio apartment (while getting on any available lists for senior subsidized housing.)

If she refuses to do either then you need to just stay out of it and let her face the natural consequences.

This, OP. Do not sacrifice your life/family/financial stability for their bad choices. FWIW I think it should go the other way, too - a parent should not enable an entitled child who keeps taking either.

Keep telling yourself that your children are your #1 priority. Make it your mantra so it rolls off your tongue. "This is for my children." They should not suffer the consequences of your parents' bad choices.

Agreed, OP. My father was in this situation six-ish years ago. He filed for bankruptcy, sold his house, and now lives in government-subsidized housing for older adults. He gets by on SS and Medicare. Ideal, no, but it's the least bad option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once again, the elderly haters are out in force. You people have no idea what your future will be like but you will be old in a wink of an eye.

There is an entire spectrum here. Do nothing and let her live in a government home to letting her move in with you and find her lifestyle. Neither of those options are reasonable. She needs to learn and have some skin in the game. But it can be done with compassion. What is that? I do t know all your details but a financial person (& therapist) can help find that place that works for you.

Honestly, the coldness some of you have towards family, and specifically parents who raised you, is breathtakingly selfish. But I do believe we do have the obligation to care for loving parents as they age. That doesn’t mean giving them what they want 100% or giving at the ruin of your own family. Jesus, people.

Just like we allow our 4 yo, 12yo, 16 yo or 25 yo (any age) to live with the consequences of their actions, we would also allow 70+ parents who refuse to learn and have any financial savvy to live with the consequences. If my 25 yo sells a perfectly fine, paid off vehicle to get a new one they cannot afford, I'm not bailing them out. They get to live with the consequences of that choice for the future.

The Mom has a history of bad choices and not allowing any help, so it's not up to the OP to drain her family resources, stress her marriage and family over someone who does NOT care about themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If other people ask me to solve their problems, they might not like the solution, which is tough love.

Jesus Christ, this is how you think about the person who birthed and raised you?

A mom can be a mom devoid of birthing a child. Have you heard of adoption?

Why the eye roll? It's truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once again, the elderly haters are out in force. You people have no idea what your future will be like but you will be old in a wink of an eye.

There is an entire spectrum here. Do nothing and let her live in a government home to letting her move in with you and find her lifestyle. Neither of those options are reasonable. She needs to learn and have some skin in the game. But it can be done with compassion. What is that? I do t know all your details but a financial person (& therapist) can help find that place that works for you.

Honestly, the coldness some of you have towards family, and specifically parents who raised you, is breathtakingly selfish. But I do believe we do have the obligation to care for loving parents as they age. That doesn’t mean giving them what they want 100% or giving at the ruin of your own family. Jesus, people.

Just like we allow our 4 yo, 12yo, 16 yo or 25 yo (any age) to live with the consequences of their actions, we would also allow 70+ parents who refuse to learn and have any financial savvy to live with the consequences. If my 25 yo sells a perfectly fine, paid off vehicle to get a new one they cannot afford, I'm not bailing them out. They get to live with the consequences of that choice for the future.

The Mom has a history of bad choices and not allowing any help, so it's not up to the OP to drain her family resources, stress her marriage and family over someone who does NOT care about themselves.

Do you not see the difference between a 25 year old and a 70 year old?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once again, the elderly haters are out in force. You people have no idea what your future will be like but you will be old in a wink of an eye.

There is an entire spectrum here. Do nothing and let her live in a government home to letting her move in with you and find her lifestyle. Neither of those options are reasonable. She needs to learn and have some skin in the game. But it can be done with compassion. What is that? I do t know all your details but a financial person (& therapist) can help find that place that works for you.

Honestly, the coldness some of you have towards family, and specifically parents who raised you, is breathtakingly selfish. But I do believe we do have the obligation to care for loving parents as they age. That doesn’t mean giving them what they want 100% or giving at the ruin of your own family. Jesus, people.

Just like we allow our 4 yo, 12yo, 16 yo or 25 yo (any age) to live with the consequences of their actions, we would also allow 70+ parents who refuse to learn and have any financial savvy to live with the consequences. If my 25 yo sells a perfectly fine, paid off vehicle to get a new one they cannot afford, I'm not bailing them out. They get to live with the consequences of that choice for the future.

The Mom has a history of bad choices and not allowing any help, so it's not up to the OP to drain her family resources, stress her marriage and family over someone who does NOT care about themselves.

Do you not see the difference between a 25 year old and a 70 year old?

NP- No? Aside from the fact that a 25yo is starting out in life and a 70yo should have their ducks in a row. Not to mention how much easier it was for people who are now 70 to buy a home, they had cheaper childcare, cheaper expenses...So there is less of an excuse for the financial situation. If you mean physically and cognitively, 70 is not old either!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once again, the elderly haters are out in force. You people have no idea what your future will be like but you will be old in a wink of an eye.

There is an entire spectrum here. Do nothing and let her live in a government home to letting her move in with you and find her lifestyle. Neither of those options are reasonable. She needs to learn and have some skin in the game. But it can be done with compassion. What is that? I do t know all your details but a financial person (& therapist) can help find that place that works for you.

Honestly, the coldness some of you have towards family, and specifically parents who raised you, is breathtakingly selfish. But I do believe we do have the obligation to care for loving parents as they age. That doesn’t mean giving them what they want 100% or giving at the ruin of your own family. Jesus, people.

Just like we allow our 4 yo, 12yo, 16 yo or 25 yo (any age) to live with the consequences of their actions, we would also allow 70+ parents who refuse to learn and have any financial savvy to live with the consequences. If my 25 yo sells a perfectly fine, paid off vehicle to get a new one they cannot afford, I'm not bailing them out. They get to live with the consequences of that choice for the future.

The Mom has a history of bad choices and not allowing any help, so it's not up to the OP to drain her family resources, stress her marriage and family over someone who does NOT care about themselves.

Do you not see the difference between a 25 year old and a 70 year old?

Absolutely - the 70 year old has had a lifetime of learning to make proper choices! If you wouldn't bail out your 25 year old, why would you bail out someone 3x their age, experience, knowledge, etc?

[Anonymous]

Yes, with people like OP's mom they never learn (or they already would have), so the options are indeed either to fund their lifestyle or let the chips fall where they may. Realistically, if she hasn't managed her finances up until now, she's not going to do it. It may seem cruel or "elder haters", but sorry, younger generation doesn't have money growing on trees either. There is not a single loving parent out there who has not thought about their elder years and planned accordingly, nobody gets old suddenly. The ones that have a mess on their hands have usually had a mess their whole lives. They have not been loving parents either as they're too busy with their own mess and creating their own problems. It's great to imagine and fantasize that somebody else will pay your bills, and this is exactly how these people get to the point where they have nothing and expect their kids to bail them out.

[Anonymous]

I am not an elder hater. However, I did not ask to be born. An adult decided they will parent me.

And yes, I am raising my kids with love but they owe me nothing.

[Anonymous]

Your concern is only her house. If her SS covers the mortgage then that’s what should be paid.
Let her lose the car.
Apply for food stamps, Medicaid, look into home based care (like in home support services) depending on the state - you might become a caregiver and get paid taking care of her which doesn’t require her to be completely dependent and helpless, you’ll just get less money if she is more independent.
Look into the whole public benefit arena for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do NOT buy her a place or otherwise intertwine your finances. She needs to live within her means. Eventually she will not be eligible for credit. Send her food if you must, but it’s a big mistake to fund this insanity.

I agree
I have a mother even worse than this

Fun times coming when she doesn’t get social security any longer

I will not help she voted for the Putin party

Being a little crazy is hereditary