Does anyone have a custody schedule where both parents see kids every day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP again. Sorry at a play with my kids. I left a ton out in an effort for brevity but I can clear some things up, just didn't want to drone on.

I haven't moved out, he's staying in the guest room. Will likely move out after Christmas. He makes over 2 mil a year, we've been married ten years so if I want I can get half, no prenup. I don't want half I just want my kids taken care of. I didn't marry him for money, have begged him to step back at work, obviously he hasn't and this is one of many reasons we're divorcing.

I am a phd level psych and charge $250 an hour. I can work nights if he has the kids. In two years when they're all in school 8-3 I will ramp up my schedule.

We live in a very small town, my parents are local. He's not close to his family (obviously a red flag I missed). The place I want to rent is five minutes from current house and two minutes from kids school and youngest daycare. The driving isn't anything different than I'm currently doing.

He's a good day, just a damaged person who can't accept responsibility for his actions and wants the easy way out. I don't know how his relationship with his kids will develop as they see more but for now it's good and I want to encourage that.

Again, no no no. You need to stop being his wife! He's not being your husband so STOP doing more than half of things unless you're fairly compensated. You say oh, I'm already driving-- okay, but overall the load of parenting time and work is MASSIVELY shifting in your direction-- so it's okay for him to take on more of the driving. Stop giving up what's owed to you because you think it will keep the peace-- it doesn't work that way. You can't keep any peace with a man like this-- that's why you're divorcing! What you can do is look out for your kids' best interests by having strong boundaries and being financially stable.

You also need to think more long-term. Your kids will grow, they will have more activities, and it will be really hard on you to do all the driving. Have you even thought about what your oldest child is doing for the summer and what that commute will be like? Be careful what you're signing up for and what precedents you set.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP again. Sorry at a play with my kids. I left a ton out in an effort for brevity but I can clear some things up, just didn't want to drone on.

I haven't moved out, he's staying in the guest room. Will likely move out after Christmas. He makes over 2 mil a year, we've been married ten years so if I want I can get half, no prenup. I don't want half I just want my kids taken care of. I didn't marry him for money, have begged him to step back at work, obviously he hasn't and this is one of many reasons we're divorcing.

I am a phd level psych and charge $250 an hour. I can work nights if he has the kids. In two years when they're all in school 8-3 I will ramp up my schedule.

We live in a very small town, my parents are local. He's not close to his family (obviously a red flag I missed). The place I want to rent is five minutes from current house and two minutes from kids school and youngest daycare. The driving isn't anything different than I'm currently doing.

He's a good day, just a damaged person who can't accept responsibility for his actions and wants the easy way out. I don't know how his relationship with his kids will develop as they see more but for now it's good and I want to encourage that.

Again, no no no. You need to stop being his wife! He's not being your husband so STOP doing more than half of things unless you're fairly compensated. You say oh, I'm already driving-- okay, but overall the load of parenting time and work is MASSIVELY shifting in your direction-- so it's okay for him to take on more of the driving. Stop giving up what's owed to you because you think it will keep the peace-- it doesn't work that way. You can't keep any peace with a man like this-- that's why you're divorcing! What you can do is look out for your kids' best interests by having strong boundaries and being financially stable.

You also need to think more long-term. Your kids will grow, they will have more activities, and it will be really hard on you to do all the driving. Have you even thought about what your oldest child is doing for the summer and what that commute will be like? Be careful what you're signing up for and what precedents you set.

I'm taking this to heart, truly. And you can probably tell what the issues were in my marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok so... $250 an hour and you're available to work like 9 to 2 pm? And you need lunch and some time for administering your practice, so you're billing like 4 hours a day, assuming you have enough clients? So 20 hours a week at $250 an hour is $5000 a week, *50 weeks a year, you're grossing $250,000. But then you have your work expenses. And federal, state, and local taxes. So really, your take-home is more like $150,000 a year. Which isn't that much when you have three kids and are paying for daycare and all their activities plus retirement and college savings.

You need to see a financial pro and make sure you have a truly accurate read on your situation.

I plan on asking for him to fully fund health insurance for me and the kids until they're 25, their college and their activities. He's overly generous with the kids, buys them everything they want to make up for working so much I think. If anything I'm worried about him doubling down on that and me being the one who can't give them things.

NO! You need to disengage from this man, you do not want him to be paying your health insurance! Your marriage is ending, you need more separateness. Stop thinking of yourselves as a family unit, that's wishful thinking and it won't serve you well.

Get whatever you're "asking" in writing, and get it placed in a trust. Remember, he could die. He could lose his job. He could make someone else pregnant, he could remarry and wife #2 will press her interests very hard. He could get mad at you and stop paying child support and then you'd have to spend money taking him to court.

He's buying them toys yay how wonderful, doesn't mean he'll pay for college. Totally different dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP again. Sorry at a play with my kids. I left a ton out in an effort for brevity but I can clear some things up, just didn't want to drone on.

I haven't moved out, he's staying in the guest room. Will likely move out after Christmas. He makes over 2 mil a year, we've been married ten years so if I want I can get half, no prenup. I don't want half I just want my kids taken care of. I didn't marry him for money, have begged him to step back at work, obviously he hasn't and this is one of many reasons we're divorcing.

I am a phd level psych and charge $250 an hour. I can work nights if he has the kids. In two years when they're all in school 8-3 I will ramp up my schedule.

We live in a very small town, my parents are local. He's not close to his family (obviously a red flag I missed). The place I want to rent is five minutes from current house and two minutes from kids school and youngest daycare. The driving isn't anything different than I'm currently doing.

He's a good day, just a damaged person who can't accept responsibility for his actions and wants the easy way out. I don't know how his relationship with his kids will develop as they see more but for now it's good and I want to encourage that.

Again, no no no. You need to stop being his wife! He's not being your husband so STOP doing more than half of things unless you're fairly compensated. You say oh, I'm already driving-- okay, but overall the load of parenting time and work is MASSIVELY shifting in your direction-- so it's okay for him to take on more of the driving. Stop giving up what's owed to you because you think it will keep the peace-- it doesn't work that way. You can't keep any peace with a man like this-- that's why you're divorcing! What you can do is look out for your kids' best interests by having strong boundaries and being financially stable.

You also need to think more long-term. Your kids will grow, they will have more activities, and it will be really hard on you to do all the driving. Have you even thought about what your oldest child is doing for the summer and what that commute will be like? Be careful what you're signing up for and what precedents you set.

I'm taking this to heart, truly. And you can probably tell what the issues were in my marriage.

Good-- I don't mean to be overly harsh to you, but I do want to wake you up. Women all too often overestimate the amount of consideration and collaboration they can expect from their ex, and it sets them up for some very real hardships.

Try to think that what's best for your kids is a father who is a *parent*. Not a fun guy they visit in their leisure time. A parent who handles the boring stuff and the difficult stuff, the homework and the doctor appointments and the sick days and everything. A parent who takes responsibility and doesn't try to dump everything on his ex. The more you do for him, the more you stay his dutiful and considerate wife, the more you treat his job as sacrosanct and super-important, the less he will step up as an actual parent. Boundaries are good and healthy here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I am reading and reflecting on all of this advice and I'm grateful for it. I do roll over in an attempt to keep the peace and obviously that's a problem and something I need to work on to get through this. I just don't want to mess my kids up even more by making this acrimonious. It's hard.

Getting what is financially fair is also best for the kids. Get 50% of assets now, he seems unstable.

Hire a lawyer and financial planner, tomorrow.

If HE chooses to be acrimonious, that’s on him.

Coda for you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok so... $250 an hour and you're available to work like 9 to 2 pm? And you need lunch and some time for administering your practice, so you're billing like 4 hours a day, assuming you have enough clients? So 20 hours a week at $250 an hour is $5000 a week, *50 weeks a year, you're grossing $250,000. But then you have your work expenses. And federal, state, and local taxes. So really, your take-home is more like $150,000 a year. Which isn't that much when you have three kids and are paying for daycare and all their activities plus retirement and college savings.

You need to see a financial pro and make sure you have a truly accurate read on your situation.

I plan on asking for him to fully fund health insurance for me and the kids until they're 25, their college and their activities. He's overly generous with the kids, buys them everything they want to make up for working so much I think. If anything I'm worried about him doubling down on that and me being the one who can't give them things.

NO! You need to disengage from this man, you do not want him to be paying your health insurance! Your marriage is ending, you need more separateness. Stop thinking of yourselves as a family unit, that's wishful thinking and it won't serve you well.

Get whatever you're "asking" in writing, and get it placed in a trust. Remember, he could die. He could lose his job. He could make someone else pregnant, he could remarry and wife #2 will press her interests very hard. He could get mad at you and stop paying child support and then you'd have to spend money taking him to court.

He's buying them toys yay how wonderful, doesn't mean he'll pay for college. Totally different dynamic.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP again. Sorry at a play with my kids. I left a ton out in an effort for brevity but I can clear some things up, just didn't want to drone on.

I haven't moved out, he's staying in the guest room. Will likely move out after Christmas. He makes over 2 mil a year, we've been married ten years so if I want I can get half, no prenup. I don't want half I just want my kids taken care of. I didn't marry him for money, have begged him to step back at work, obviously he hasn't and this is one of many reasons we're divorcing.

I am a phd level psych and charge $250 an hour. I can work nights if he has the kids. In two years when they're all in school 8-3 I will ramp up my schedule.

We live in a very small town, my parents are local. He's not close to his family (obviously a red flag I missed). The place I want to rent is five minutes from current house and two minutes from kids school and youngest daycare. The driving isn't anything different than I'm currently doing.

He's a good day, just a damaged person who can't accept responsibility for his actions and wants the easy way out. I don't know how his relationship with his kids will develop as they see more but for now it's good and I want to encourage that.

Again, no no no. You need to stop being his wife! He's not being your husband so STOP doing more than half of things unless you're fairly compensated. You say oh, I'm already driving-- okay, but overall the load of parenting time and work is MASSIVELY shifting in your direction-- so it's okay for him to take on more of the driving. Stop giving up what's owed to you because you think it will keep the peace-- it doesn't work that way. You can't keep any peace with a man like this-- that's why you're divorcing! What you can do is look out for your kids' best interests by having strong boundaries and being financially stable.

You also need to think more long-term. Your kids will grow, they will have more activities, and it will be really hard on you to do all the driving. Have you even thought about what your oldest child is doing for the summer and what that commute will be like? Be careful what you're signing up for and what precedents you set.

I'm taking this to heart, truly. And you can probably tell what the issues were in my marriage.

Good-- I don't mean to be overly harsh to you, but I do want to wake you up. Women all too often overestimate the amount of consideration and collaboration they can expect from their ex, and it sets them up for some very real hardships.

Try to think that what's best for your kids is a father who is a *parent*. Not a fun guy they visit in their leisure time. A parent who handles the boring stuff and the difficult stuff, the homework and the doctor appointments and the sick days and everything. A parent who takes responsibility and doesn't try to dump everything on his ex. The more you do for him, the more you stay his dutiful and considerate wife, the more you treat his job as sacrosanct and super-important, the less he will step up as an actual parent. Boundaries are good and healthy here.

I don't think you're being harsh, I think you're being honest. And maybe I'm sounding like more of a Pollyanna than I am. I'm really not, I want everything in writing and trusts to protect them from another wife, which I'm sure he'll quickly acquire because he can't take care of his own life. College is 90% funded and he can't have any more kids. What I really want is 50% of the proceeds of the house when it's sold someday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP again. Sorry at a play with my kids. I left a ton out in an effort for brevity but I can clear some things up, just didn't want to drone on.

I haven't moved out, he's staying in the guest room. Will likely move out after Christmas. He makes over 2 mil a year, we've been married ten years so if I want I can get half, no prenup. I don't want half I just want my kids taken care of. I didn't marry him for money, have begged him to step back at work, obviously he hasn't and this is one of many reasons we're divorcing.

I am a phd level psych and charge $250 an hour. I can work nights if he has the kids. In two years when they're all in school 8-3 I will ramp up my schedule.

We live in a very small town, my parents are local. He's not close to his family (obviously a red flag I missed). The place I want to rent is five minutes from current house and two minutes from kids school and youngest daycare. The driving isn't anything different than I'm currently doing.

He's a good day, just a damaged person who can't accept responsibility for his actions and wants the easy way out. I don't know how his relationship with his kids will develop as they see more but for now it's good and I want to encourage that.

Again, no no no. You need to stop being his wife! He's not being your husband so STOP doing more than half of things unless you're fairly compensated. You say oh, I'm already driving-- okay, but overall the load of parenting time and work is MASSIVELY shifting in your direction-- so it's okay for him to take on more of the driving. Stop giving up what's owed to you because you think it will keep the peace-- it doesn't work that way. You can't keep any peace with a man like this-- that's why you're divorcing! What you can do is look out for your kids' best interests by having strong boundaries and being financially stable.

You also need to think more long-term. Your kids will grow, they will have more activities, and it will be really hard on you to do all the driving. Have you even thought about what your oldest child is doing for the summer and what that commute will be like? Be careful what you're signing up for and what precedents you set.

I'm taking this to heart, truly. And you can probably tell what the issues were in my marriage.

Good-- I don't mean to be overly harsh to you, but I do want to wake you up. Women all too often overestimate the amount of consideration and collaboration they can expect from their ex, and it sets them up for some very real hardships.

Try to think that what's best for your kids is a father who is a *parent*. Not a fun guy they visit in their leisure time. A parent who handles the boring stuff and the difficult stuff, the homework and the doctor appointments and the sick days and everything. A parent who takes responsibility and doesn't try to dump everything on his ex. The more you do for him, the more you stay his dutiful and considerate wife, the more you treat his job as sacrosanct and super-important, the less he will step up as an actual parent. Boundaries are good and healthy here.

Well I’ll just say - she’s free to try whatever arrangement she thinks would be best for the kids but this absolutely should not come at the price of not getting a fair financial settlement and child support, or setting it up so that she is not entitled to child support because they are literally just sleeping at his house 5 nights/week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP again. Sorry at a play with my kids. I left a ton out in an effort for brevity but I can clear some things up, just didn't want to drone on.

I haven't moved out, he's staying in the guest room. Will likely move out after Christmas. He makes over 2 mil a year, we've been married ten years so if I want I can get half, no prenup. I don't want half I just want my kids taken care of. I didn't marry him for money, have begged him to step back at work, obviously he hasn't and this is one of many reasons we're divorcing.

I am a phd level psych and charge $250 an hour. I can work nights if he has the kids. In two years when they're all in school 8-3 I will ramp up my schedule.

We live in a very small town, my parents are local. He's not close to his family (obviously a red flag I missed). The place I want to rent is five minutes from current house and two minutes from kids school and youngest daycare. The driving isn't anything different than I'm currently doing.

He's a good day, just a damaged person who can't accept responsibility for his actions and wants the easy way out. I don't know how his relationship with his kids will develop as they see more but for now it's good and I want to encourage that.

Again, no no no. You need to stop being his wife! He's not being your husband so STOP doing more than half of things unless you're fairly compensated. You say oh, I'm already driving-- okay, but overall the load of parenting time and work is MASSIVELY shifting in your direction-- so it's okay for him to take on more of the driving. Stop giving up what's owed to you because you think it will keep the peace-- it doesn't work that way. You can't keep any peace with a man like this-- that's why you're divorcing! What you can do is look out for your kids' best interests by having strong boundaries and being financially stable.

You also need to think more long-term. Your kids will grow, they will have more activities, and it will be really hard on you to do all the driving. Have you even thought about what your oldest child is doing for the summer and what that commute will be like? Be careful what you're signing up for and what precedents you set.

I'm taking this to heart, truly. And you can probably tell what the issues were in my marriage.

Good-- I don't mean to be overly harsh to you, but I do want to wake you up. Women all too often overestimate the amount of consideration and collaboration they can expect from their ex, and it sets them up for some very real hardships.

Try to think that what's best for your kids is a father who is a *parent*. Not a fun guy they visit in their leisure time. A parent who handles the boring stuff and the difficult stuff, the homework and the doctor appointments and the sick days and everything. A parent who takes responsibility and doesn't try to dump everything on his ex. The more you do for him, the more you stay his dutiful and considerate wife, the more you treat his job as sacrosanct and super-important, the less he will step up as an actual parent. Boundaries are good and healthy here.

I don't think you're being harsh, I think you're being honest. And maybe I'm sounding like more of a Pollyanna than I am. I'm really not, I want everything in writing and trusts to protect them from another wife, which I'm sure he'll quickly acquire because he can't take care of his own life. College is 90% funded and he can't have any more kids. What I really want is 50% of the proceeds of the house when it's sold someday.

… and 50% of all other assets too right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP again. Sorry at a play with my kids. I left a ton out in an effort for brevity but I can clear some things up, just didn't want to drone on.

I haven't moved out, he's staying in the guest room. Will likely move out after Christmas. He makes over 2 mil a year, we've been married ten years so if I want I can get half, no prenup. I don't want half I just want my kids taken care of. I didn't marry him for money, have begged him to step back at work, obviously he hasn't and this is one of many reasons we're divorcing.

I am a phd level psych and charge $250 an hour. I can work nights if he has the kids. In two years when they're all in school 8-3 I will ramp up my schedule.

We live in a very small town, my parents are local. He's not close to his family (obviously a red flag I missed). The place I want to rent is five minutes from current house and two minutes from kids school and youngest daycare. The driving isn't anything different than I'm currently doing.

He's a good day, just a damaged person who can't accept responsibility for his actions and wants the easy way out. I don't know how his relationship with his kids will develop as they see more but for now it's good and I want to encourage that.

Again, no no no. You need to stop being his wife! He's not being your husband so STOP doing more than half of things unless you're fairly compensated. You say oh, I'm already driving-- okay, but overall the load of parenting time and work is MASSIVELY shifting in your direction-- so it's okay for him to take on more of the driving. Stop giving up what's owed to you because you think it will keep the peace-- it doesn't work that way. You can't keep any peace with a man like this-- that's why you're divorcing! What you can do is look out for your kids' best interests by having strong boundaries and being financially stable.

You also need to think more long-term. Your kids will grow, they will have more activities, and it will be really hard on you to do all the driving. Have you even thought about what your oldest child is doing for the summer and what that commute will be like? Be careful what you're signing up for and what precedents you set.

I'm taking this to heart, truly. And you can probably tell what the issues were in my marriage.

Good-- I don't mean to be overly harsh to you, but I do want to wake you up. Women all too often overestimate the amount of consideration and collaboration they can expect from their ex, and it sets them up for some very real hardships.

Try to think that what's best for your kids is a father who is a *parent*. Not a fun guy they visit in their leisure time. A parent who handles the boring stuff and the difficult stuff, the homework and the doctor appointments and the sick days and everything. A parent who takes responsibility and doesn't try to dump everything on his ex. The more you do for him, the more you stay his dutiful and considerate wife, the more you treat his job as sacrosanct and super-important, the less he will step up as an actual parent. Boundaries are good and healthy here.

Well I’ll just say - she’s free to try whatever arrangement she thinks would be best for the kids but this absolutely should not come at the price of not getting a fair financial settlement and child support, or setting it up so that she is not entitled to child support because they are literally just sleeping at his house 5 nights/week.

Yes. It's healthier for the kids to have parents on similar financial status, not rich dad/poor mom. Remember, OP, life is full of surprises. You could have an illness that stops you from working. Or one of the kids could. You need to have a very solid nest egg because you don't have a partner who will step up for you anymore.

When the kids are little it's easy to think that face time with their dad is most important, and to cater to him so that he'll do it. But as they grow, they'll lose respect for him even if they don't dislike their time with him. He needs to be a real parent and the more you try to "support" him the more you're actually undermining him in that.

It's sad that your children are losing their intact home so young, but you need to accept that it's happening and you can run yourself ragged trying to minimize the consequences but the bottom line is it's happening, and you'd be better served to try a little less hard, and be more at peace with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah it’s called a healthy marriage and relationship the kids get to see both parents every day

Yes! Love this! You have to love really close to each other for this not to become a major slog though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP again. Sorry at a play with my kids. I left a ton out in an effort for brevity but I can clear some things up, just didn't want to drone on.

I haven't moved out, he's staying in the guest room. Will likely move out after Christmas. He makes over 2 mil a year, we've been married ten years so if I want I can get half, no prenup. I don't want half I just want my kids taken care of. I didn't marry him for money, have begged him to step back at work, obviously he hasn't and this is one of many reasons we're divorcing.

I am a phd level psych and charge $250 an hour. I can work nights if he has the kids. In two years when they're all in school 8-3 I will ramp up my schedule.

We live in a very small town, my parents are local. He's not close to his family (obviously a red flag I missed). The place I want to rent is five minutes from current house and two minutes from kids school and youngest daycare. The driving isn't anything different than I'm currently doing.

He's a good day, just a damaged person who can't accept responsibility for his actions and wants the easy way out. I don't know how his relationship with his kids will develop as they see more but for now it's good and I want to encourage that.

Again, no no no. You need to stop being his wife! He's not being your husband so STOP doing more than half of things unless you're fairly compensated. You say oh, I'm already driving-- okay, but overall the load of parenting time and work is MASSIVELY shifting in your direction-- so it's okay for him to take on more of the driving. Stop giving up what's owed to you because you think it will keep the peace-- it doesn't work that way. You can't keep any peace with a man like this-- that's why you're divorcing! What you can do is look out for your kids' best interests by having strong boundaries and being financially stable.

You also need to think more long-term. Your kids will grow, they will have more activities, and it will be really hard on you to do all the driving. Have you even thought about what your oldest child is doing for the summer and what that commute will be like? Be careful what you're signing up for and what precedents you set.

I'm taking this to heart, truly. And you can probably tell what the issues were in my marriage.

Good-- I don't mean to be overly harsh to you, but I do want to wake you up. Women all too often overestimate the amount of consideration and collaboration they can expect from their ex, and it sets them up for some very real hardships.

Try to think that what's best for your kids is a father who is a *parent*. Not a fun guy they visit in their leisure time. A parent who handles the boring stuff and the difficult stuff, the homework and the doctor appointments and the sick days and everything. A parent who takes responsibility and doesn't try to dump everything on his ex. The more you do for him, the more you stay his dutiful and considerate wife, the more you treat his job as sacrosanct and super-important, the less he will step up as an actual parent. Boundaries are good and healthy here.

I don't think you're being harsh, I think you're being honest. And maybe I'm sounding like more of a Pollyanna than I am. I'm really not, I want everything in writing and trusts to protect them from another wife, which I'm sure he'll quickly acquire because he can't take care of his own life. College is 90% funded and he can't have any more kids. What I really want is 50% of the proceeds of the house when it's sold someday.

… and 50% of all other assets too right?

You need to what what you're entitled to. The full amount. Giving up money won't make him treat you better! Growing a spine might actually improve your parenting relationship.

You could get sick. He could get sick. A kid could get sick. He could remarry. He could die. Your parents could get really high-maintenance. All manner of bad stuff can happen and it's foolish to jeopardize your kids' financial security trying to appease a man who is dumping you. It won't work. Protect yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP again. Sorry at a play with my kids. I left a ton out in an effort for brevity but I can clear some things up, just didn't want to drone on.

I haven't moved out, he's staying in the guest room. Will likely move out after Christmas. He makes over 2 mil a year, we've been married ten years so if I want I can get half, no prenup. I don't want half I just want my kids taken care of. I didn't marry him for money, have begged him to step back at work, obviously he hasn't and this is one of many reasons we're divorcing.

I am a phd level psych and charge $250 an hour. I can work nights if he has the kids. In two years when they're all in school 8-3 I will ramp up my schedule.

We live in a very small town, my parents are local. He's not close to his family (obviously a red flag I missed). The place I want to rent is five minutes from current house and two minutes from kids school and youngest daycare. The driving isn't anything different than I'm currently doing.

He's a good day, just a damaged person who can't accept responsibility for his actions and wants the easy way out. I don't know how his relationship with his kids will develop as they see more but for now it's good and I want to encourage that.

Again, no no no. You need to stop being his wife! He's not being your husband so STOP doing more than half of things unless you're fairly compensated. You say oh, I'm already driving-- okay, but overall the load of parenting time and work is MASSIVELY shifting in your direction-- so it's okay for him to take on more of the driving. Stop giving up what's owed to you because you think it will keep the peace-- it doesn't work that way. You can't keep any peace with a man like this-- that's why you're divorcing! What you can do is look out for your kids' best interests by having strong boundaries and being financially stable.

You also need to think more long-term. Your kids will grow, they will have more activities, and it will be really hard on you to do all the driving. Have you even thought about what your oldest child is doing for the summer and what that commute will be like? Be careful what you're signing up for and what precedents you set.

I'm taking this to heart, truly. And you can probably tell what the issues were in my marriage.

Good-- I don't mean to be overly harsh to you, but I do want to wake you up. Women all too often overestimate the amount of consideration and collaboration they can expect from their ex, and it sets them up for some very real hardships.

Try to think that what's best for your kids is a father who is a *parent*. Not a fun guy they visit in their leisure time. A parent who handles the boring stuff and the difficult stuff, the homework and the doctor appointments and the sick days and everything. A parent who takes responsibility and doesn't try to dump everything on his ex. The more you do for him, the more you stay his dutiful and considerate wife, the more you treat his job as sacrosanct and super-important, the less he will step up as an actual parent. Boundaries are good and healthy here.

I don't think you're being harsh, I think you're being honest. And maybe I'm sounding like more of a Pollyanna than I am. I'm really not, I want everything in writing and trusts to protect them from another wife, which I'm sure he'll quickly acquire because he can't take care of his own life. College is 90% funded and he can't have any more kids. What I really want is 50% of the proceeds of the house when it's sold someday.

He can adopt the next wife’s kids, get fired, etc. with your HHI get the best lawyer in town and have fees covered.want an au pair to help with driving.

This plan will not last long, have a plan b in place, OP. You may

[Anonymous]

What happens if he moves away? There goes your evening work income, poof.

[Anonymous]

I think wanting to see the kids every day can be a way of staying enmeshed with the ex. You're going to have way more interaction and communication with him because of it. He's basically got you as his driving nanny, he's got you spending lots and lots of time on logistics and catering to his schedule.

If he wanted time with them that badly he wouldn't be leaving you.