Quitting varsity sport mid season

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate the fact that kids get no playing time, and that parents and coaches bully us into thinking that they have to just sit there and take it with no complaints. I had my daughter quit a club sport that we had paid for for this reason. The coach was not kind to her and spread a nasty lie about why she quit. I say this because I think this kind of sports culture is toxic, and it teaches kids to just take abuse from coaches, bosses and other authority figures. It’s not what I want my kid to take away. I’d rather they prioritize academics, work, leadership, etc. let your kid quit.

This this this. My kid was a starter and I still thought it was too much of a time suck and the coaches treated everyone other than the stars like crap. You also weren’t allowed to read a book even if you were injured and had to sit and watch the kids practice. If my kid wasn’t getting any play time, I’d have him fake an injury and quit.

I agree. The poster who say sticking it out is "the right ting to do" because of "commitment" lack some perspective here. Commitment to a team is a two-way street, first of all. The kid clearly is neither wanted nor needed on the team. He is sacrificing his sleep, his academics, and therefore his opportunity to put his best for forward, just to sit on a bench and watch other kids play. The coach is all but telling him he's not really a part of the team. That's a one-way commitment. This is different from the kid whose team is counting on him to win a championship. But even that kid should have the option to pull out if the sport is causing harm in his life. A lot of the sports "commitments" around here are causing some kids (and families) active harm.

So what is the 'right thing' here? Self-harm for the sake of saying you stayed where you weren't wanted or needed? I happen to think that reading the room, being humble enough to admit you aren't right for the team, and focusing on your strengths is the "right thing" here. Sometimes, knowing when to throw in the towel and focus your energies on more productive endeavors IS the right thing. Knowing when to stop is as important as knowing when to push through. Here, pushing through seems to be aiming at a futile goal.

Clearly your child doesn’t play sports. It’s not unusual on a competitive varsity or sometimes a jv team for kids not to get much playing time their first year on the team. That doesn’t make it a one way street, or mean the kid isn’t wanted.

I am now understanding why so many kids lack grit, parents encourage them to give up if things don’t go exactly the way they want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was my kid her sophomore year in HS. She was benched most of the game, and got “pity seconds” at the end of the game, only if the score was not tight. To make things worse, she hated the culture of the team. She was taking demanding courses as well. On top of that, she played a different sport on a competitive club team, although it was their off-season, they still had random weekend tournaments, to include Friday games, which would conflict with HS games.

She would come home crying, asking to quit. We made her tough it out. She finished the season, and did not go out for that team next year. I don’t think it has much of an impact on her college apps.

This is the way to do it. This season will be over in a matter of weeks.

What? Watching your kid go through completely unnecessary misery (this is an optional extra curricular activity that is supposed to be good for the child, after all) such that she came home crying daily is "the way to do it"? To do what? Undermine a kid's instincts and self-determination? What kind of people are you raising? What's this kid going to do when faced with an abusive husband? Mom and Dad always taught her to stick it out, and keep those commitments! What about when she's the CEO of a failing company and the right choice is to shut it down? Stick it out until it's completely ground down and people lose their shirts?

Teach your kids about priorities and when to say "enough." I'm not saying everyone should quit everything when it's hard or isn't fun anymore, but some of you have lost all perspective on what we are doing here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they aren't playing I would have them quit.

No point in quitting. If the kid isn’t playing then happen to have family plans or “illnesses” during the games, no one is going to care since it won’t affect the roster. Make the occasional game appearance on the sideline to still be “on” the team.

But why is the kid sitting at practice? Aren’t all kids supposed to at least be learning the sport/doing drills? If the kid is getting in some practice time then treat it as a good opportunity for physical fitness.

Or come up with some health reason to leave the team and try to get a dr’s note. Then it allows everyone to save face and not have to have the awkward convo about why the kid isn’t getting playing time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the kid does not feel it is worth the time let them quit. This will have no impact on “building” character or anything else.

Resigning from the team will build character: too many people do not have the confidence or skill to get out of bad situations, whether it's relationships, abusive family members, employers, etc.

100%

My kid faced a really, really sh*tty situation with a varsity sport/coach/program. It was really uncalled for, supremely unfair to many kids.

We were there to support and guide and ultimately let him decide how he wanted to go forward.

It takes A LOT of guts and backbone for a 16/17 year old to approach a HS coach all by himself in a respectful manner to demand answers and get to say their piece, particularly when there has been intimidation tactics and avoidance on the coaching side.

The takeaway from doing that builds enormous confidence and respect. We saw our kid grow tremendously going through something like this. And he blossomed in the years following. Mutual respect was formed on both sides.

I was very proud of the way he handled it all by himself and the way he moved on from it. Frankly, I would have had so much anger I would not have had the same composure, nor would I have had the confidence to approach it as he did. Really after that experience, nothing fazes him anymore.

He has very strong principles and developed a strong backbone and this gave him grit to move on to bigger and better things, even in the same sport.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate the fact that kids get no playing time, and that parents and coaches bully us into thinking that they have to just sit there and take it with no complaints. I had my daughter quit a club sport that we had paid for for this reason. The coach was not kind to her and spread a nasty lie about why she quit. I say this because I think this kind of sports culture is toxic, and it teaches kids to just take abuse from coaches, bosses and other authority figures. It’s not what I want my kid to take away. I’d rather they prioritize academics, work, leadership, etc. let your kid quit.

This this this. My kid was a starter and I still thought it was too much of a time suck and the coaches treated everyone other than the stars like crap. You also weren’t allowed to read a book even if you were injured and had to sit and watch the kids practice. If my kid wasn’t getting any play time, I’d have him fake an injury and quit.

I agree. The poster who say sticking it out is "the right ting to do" because of "commitment" lack some perspective here. Commitment to a team is a two-way street, first of all. The kid clearly is neither wanted nor needed on the team. He is sacrificing his sleep, his academics, and therefore his opportunity to put his best for forward, just to sit on a bench and watch other kids play. The coach is all but telling him he's not really a part of the team. That's a one-way commitment. This is different from the kid whose team is counting on him to win a championship. But even that kid should have the option to pull out if the sport is causing harm in his life. A lot of the sports "commitments" around here are causing some kids (and families) active harm.

So what is the 'right thing' here? Self-harm for the sake of saying you stayed where you weren't wanted or needed? I happen to think that reading the room, being humble enough to admit you aren't right for the team, and focusing on your strengths is the "right thing" here. Sometimes, knowing when to throw in the towel and focus your energies on more productive endeavors IS the right thing. Knowing when to stop is as important as knowing when to push through. Here, pushing through seems to be aiming at a futile goal.

Clearly your child doesn’t play sports. It’s not unusual on a competitive varsity or sometimes a jv team for kids not to get much playing time their first year on the team. That doesn’t make it a one way street, or mean the kid isn’t wanted.

I am now understanding why so many kids lack grit, parents encourage them to give up if things don’t go exactly the way they want.

First, this kid is a junior, who is letting low-level, extracurricular sports interfere with academics. For what?

Second, yes, my kids play sports, which is how I know how ridiculous it has become and what terrible choices a lot of parents are making. This has nothing to do with grit or giving up and everything to do with good judgment and better choices.

[Anonymous]

OP has said that their kid isn't a starter and wants more playing time. The only way to get more playing time is by showing up for practice, showing the coaches their best, and being there for when their moment comes. None of that happens if they quit the team. How is this even a discussion?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It isn’t going to look any different on the common app if they quit now or at the end of the season.

But there is a lot to be said for being the sort of person that honors their commitments even if they aren’t fun. The commitment they made was for the season, with no promises of playing time. I would encourage my kid to play through the end of the season with the absolute best attitude and effort they can possibly put forward.

College Advisor at the school who writes the school's recommendation letter, will know and could include it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To answer your question, just don’t list in under the EC section of the common app for this year. That being said, his counselor will write a recommendation for him, as will two teachers, and you want to make sure they do not discuss this as a lack of character and commitment. If you truly want your child to quit mid-season, instead of just not attending practice when he has tests, he needs to go talk to his counselor beforehand and ask their take on it. Okay, now for the morals lesson you do not want to hear, you are teaching your child to quit. Although he is not playing in the games, he is there practicing and the team relies on him being there for practice to field enough kids to scrimmage. His participation is important to the team, whether he plays in the games or not. You are not always going to be the best and you are not always going to get the chance to play, but he should honor his commitment to the team for the rest of the season. Then, please do not let him participate again.

Best post in this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just don’t report the sport as an EC or put as filler at the end with one less year of participation. How will a college know anything about quitting?

My kids' private schools (2 different high schools) put sports on the transcript.

The rest of us don't seem to have that problem

Ours does as well, and follows rhe teacher/coach model so definitely would likely affect kid’s reputation and references of kid quite mid season. I don’t think op’s son will be able to keep this season on his activity list regardless if he quits. Is he really going to add another extracurricular immediately

Surprised this hasn’t come up yet but he likely took a place from another kid to get on the team in the first place.

If the team and coach is toxic, who cares. Three juniors quit basketball midseason last year at our school and nobody cared because the dynamics were terrible.

Because the school values a good character and integrity, sorry yours does not.

Getting out a toxic situation is good character and integrity. Staying in a bad situation out of misplaced loyalty is neither.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To answer your question, just don’t list in under the EC section of the common app for this year. That being said, his counselor will write a recommendation for him, as will two teachers, and you want to make sure they do not discuss this as a lack of character and commitment. If you truly want your child to quit mid-season, instead of just not attending practice when he has tests, he needs to go talk to his counselor beforehand and ask their take on it. Okay, now for the morals lesson you do not want to hear, you are teaching your child to quit. Although he is not playing in the games, he is there practicing and the team relies on him being there for practice to field enough kids to scrimmage. His participation is important to the team, whether he plays in the games or not. You are not always going to be the best and you are not always going to get the chance to play, but he should honor his commitment to the team for the rest of the season. Then, please do not let him participate again.

Best post in this thread.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To answer your question, just don’t list in under the EC section of the common app for this year. That being said, his counselor will write a recommendation for him, as will two teachers, and you want to make sure they do not discuss this as a lack of character and commitment. If you truly want your child to quit mid-season, instead of just not attending practice when he has tests, he needs to go talk to his counselor beforehand and ask their take on it. Okay, now for the morals lesson you do not want to hear, you are teaching your child to quit. Although he is not playing in the games, he is there practicing and the team relies on him being there for practice to field enough kids to scrimmage. His participation is important to the team, whether he plays in the games or not. You are not always going to be the best and you are not always going to get the chance to play, but he should honor his commitment to the team for the rest of the season. Then, please do not let him participate again.

Best post in this thread.

If you believe in misplaced priorities. You all seem to be focused on the team and have forgotten the harm OP said is being done to the child. Where is your concern for the child's well being?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To answer your question, just don’t list in under the EC section of the common app for this year. That being said, his counselor will write a recommendation for him, as will two teachers, and you want to make sure they do not discuss this as a lack of character and commitment. If you truly want your child to quit mid-season, instead of just not attending practice when he has tests, he needs to go talk to his counselor beforehand and ask their take on it. Okay, now for the morals lesson you do not want to hear, you are teaching your child to quit. Although he is not playing in the games, he is there practicing and the team relies on him being there for practice to field enough kids to scrimmage. His participation is important to the team, whether he plays in the games or not. You are not always going to be the best and you are not always going to get the chance to play, but he should honor his commitment to the team for the rest of the season. Then, please do not let him participate again.

Best post in this thread.

If you believe in misplaced priorities. You all seem to be focused on the team and have forgotten the harm OP said is being done to the child. Where is your concern for the child's well being?

Don't bother. This OP buys into the cult of high school sports.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To answer your question, just don’t list in under the EC section of the common app for this year. That being said, his counselor will write a recommendation for him, as will two teachers, and you want to make sure they do not discuss this as a lack of character and commitment. If you truly want your child to quit mid-season, instead of just not attending practice when he has tests, he needs to go talk to his counselor beforehand and ask their take on it. Okay, now for the morals lesson you do not want to hear, you are teaching your child to quit. Although he is not playing in the games, he is there practicing and the team relies on him being there for practice to field enough kids to scrimmage. His participation is important to the team, whether he plays in the games or not. You are not always going to be the best and you are not always going to get the chance to play, but he should honor his commitment to the team for the rest of the season. Then, please do not let him participate again.

Best post in this thread.

If you believe in misplaced priorities. You all seem to be focused on the team and have forgotten the harm OP said is being done to the child. Where is your concern for the child's well being?

What harm? OP said they got on a school team (which is to be celebrated) but isn't a starter yet. How is that harmful? They said they have to study later into the night but that is exactly what all of their teammates do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It isn’t going to look any different on the common app if they quit now or at the end of the season.

But there is a lot to be said for being the sort of person that honors their commitments even if they aren’t fun. The commitment they made was for the season, with no promises of playing time. I would encourage my kid to play through the end of the season with the absolute best attitude and effort they can possibly put forward.

College Advisor at the school who writes the school's recommendation letter, will know and could include it.

I literally laughed out loud at the concept that the college advisor at a large public school would (a) know that a junior started and quit a sport mid-season and (b) would remember that a year later and then actually include that on the letter. You are insane to suggest this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just don’t report the sport as an EC or put as filler at the end with one less year of participation. How will a college know anything about quitting?

My kids' private schools (2 different high schools) put sports on the transcript.

The rest of us don't seem to have that problem

Ours does as well, and follows rhe teacher/coach model so definitely would likely affect kid’s reputation and references of kid quite mid season. I don’t think op’s son will be able to keep this season on his activity list regardless if he quits. Is he really going to add another extracurricular immediately

Surprised this hasn’t come up yet but he likely took a place from another kid to get on the team in the first place.

If the team and coach is toxic, who cares. Three juniors quit basketball midseason last year at our school and nobody cared because the dynamics were terrible.

Because the school values a good character and integrity, sorry yours does not.

Getting out a toxic situation is good character and integrity. Staying in a bad situation out of misplaced loyalty is neither.

Spare me the piety. High school sports seasons last only a few months, it isn’t a lifelong commitment. Finish the season and don’t play the next year.