Coping with the knowledge that everyone views your kid as a problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry this is happening OP. My kid is older now (and things have improved) but elementary school had some awful years. We survived. You will too.

I always tried to err on the side of being polite and professional with the school even in the years when I was secretly cursing their names and daydreaming of burning them in effigy. I acknowledged to them that my kid could be difficult and uncooperative (all that parent training about validating feelings taught me something).

But I also got better about figuring out what my priorities were and focusing on them. Pull out services were not worth the squeeze for us. Not following the BIP would be one I would fight for. Posters here may be right that the BIP developed last year doesn’t work this year. So call another IEP meeting and change it. Every time you pick your kid up ask what happened and how the school responded. Document in an email to the school summarizing it and asking them if there is anything else you should know about the incident. If the BIP wasn’t followed, ask why (in the politest, least accusatory way possible).

I would also look at your district to see if there are other programs or settings that might work better for your kid. If they are at other schools, your school might not know enough to suggest them, so be proactive yourself. Your district might also have behavioral specialists who could observe your kid and make suggestions. Having someone from the district level at the IEP meeting always made the school more willing to be flexible (but that could be the opposite in other districts).

If private is a viable option, I would suggest you make that move early in elementary school. It’s much easier to find a placement for a younger kid with issues than an older one.

Good post. I think I would add to this is that you cannot lose sight of the actual purpose of K: to teach kids to read and write and do math. If pullouts are necessary for that I wouldn’t give up - but a lot of pullouts are bullsh-t too. OP may need to argue for push-in. That made more of a difference for my DC in K.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son just started kindergarten. He has an IEP. It’s been rocky.

The teacher seems exasperated with him.

The school isn’t following the IEP. I’m holding them accountable for following the IEP and feel their dislike of me and my child. It feels like they just want us to leave and go to another school.

I’m wondering how you handle this sense of rejection and knowing people don’t like you and your kid? I’m finding it so heartbreaking. I know I shouldn’t be surprised by any of this, but I didn’t expect this level of bias against my son with a disability.

It's been, what ... a week? And you've already decided the school doesn't "like" your kid or you? And you're "heartbroken?"

What is the disability, exactly?

Nothing is worse than ignoramuses wandering in here from the recent topics page, not even reading the thread, and then spouting dumb sh!t.

The kid has been in school for five weeks.

It is worse when it’s a teacher or a school “psychiatrist” who is all we have too many disabled kids! Your kid is too disabled! Parents wanting FAPE so annoying and unrealistic boo! Pay for your kid to go away or shut up! Which is 80% of these crazy posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not violent, not eloping…why would they be calling you to pick him up? It’s not adding up. Why are you being so evasive if you’re not even in the area? We won’t be able to pick out your child from NC or wherever you are.


Public schools literally cannot cover the needs of every kid. If they say they don’t have the staff then they don’t have the staff. I’m sorry, but I don’t know what else you want to hear. Teaching is an insanely difficult job. Especially now.

One other reason for sending him home is that he may be incontinent. (I’m presuming when OP says not violent, he’s not tearing the classroom apart either).

Regardless of the reason, OP has identified problems. But she doesn’t seem to be asking about resolution. Rather than find out when they expect to have therapists for the pullouts and what the plan is if that doesn’t happen, she seems to be digging in saying they have to provide what they clearly can’t.

Also just because a BIP was developed with the current team does not mean it’s one that will work. That’s another thing that OP seems to just be complaining about. It would be more helpful to regroup as a team and revise if it’s not working or unable to be implemented.

I guess what I’m saying is that you can always demand and hire lawyers and the like. But until you actually know the problem and whether there is a solution that can be developed, it’s pretty useless to complain. Of course you might get compensatory services - a few years down the road. But the problem is now.

omg just stfu. the answer to all of these questions is for the SCHOOL to figure it out and to provide the necessary services. OP is AT HOME - she cannot analyze the SCHOOL behavior or come up with a plan for the school. The school has to do that. It’s entirely possible that the child needs a different placement but seriously stfu about mom needing to do more here. this is 100% on the school and the school is failing. whether or not you think the school has a good excuse for failing (lack of resources), the school is failing.

As a parent, you are part of the team that has to make the school experience successful. Recognizing that is one of the reasons I was successful in getting my child what they needed, including a non Mainstream placement.

What OP is doing is the equivalent of banging her head against a wall. If she never figures out the underlying problem, she’s just going to keep banging away and wonder why she’s not getting results. Us BTDT parents do have worthwhile advice and suggestions even if you, PP, don’t like them. And not everyone has the money for a lawyer.

Well the school is still failing. Sure OP needs to be strategic but there’s no reason to tiptoe around it. Sending a kid with a BIP home repeatedly is unacceptable. If OP cannot afford a lawyer look into whether there is an Ombudsman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not violent, not eloping…why would they be calling you to pick him up? It’s not adding up. Why are you being so evasive if you’re not even in the area? We won’t be able to pick out your child from NC or wherever you are.


Public schools literally cannot cover the needs of every kid. If they say they don’t have the staff then they don’t have the staff. I’m sorry, but I don’t know what else you want to hear. Teaching is an insanely difficult job. Especially now.

One other reason for sending him home is that he may be incontinent. (I’m presuming when OP says not violent, he’s not tearing the classroom apart either).

Regardless of the reason, OP has identified problems. But she doesn’t seem to be asking about resolution. Rather than find out when they expect to have therapists for the pullouts and what the plan is if that doesn’t happen, she seems to be digging in saying they have to provide what they clearly can’t.

Also just because a BIP was developed with the current team does not mean it’s one that will work. That’s another thing that OP seems to just be complaining about. It would be more helpful to regroup as a team and revise if it’s not working or unable to be implemented.

I guess what I’m saying is that you can always demand and hire lawyers and the like. But until you actually know the problem and whether there is a solution that can be developed, it’s pretty useless to complain. Of course you might get compensatory services - a few years down the road. But the problem is now.

omg just stfu. the answer to all of these questions is for the SCHOOL to figure it out and to provide the necessary services. OP is AT HOME - she cannot analyze the SCHOOL behavior or come up with a plan for the school. The school has to do that. It’s entirely possible that the child needs a different placement but seriously stfu about mom needing to do more here. this is 100% on the school and the school is failing. whether or not you think the school has a good excuse for failing (lack of resources), the school is failing.

As a parent, you are part of the team that has to make the school experience successful. Recognizing that is one of the reasons I was successful in getting my child what they needed, including a non Mainstream placement.

What OP is doing is the equivalent of banging her head against a wall. If she never figures out the underlying problem, she’s just going to keep banging away and wonder why she’s not getting results. Us BTDT parents do have worthwhile advice and suggestions even if you, PP, don’t like them. And not everyone has the money for a lawyer.

Well the school is still failing. Sure OP needs to be strategic but there’s no reason to tiptoe around it. Sending a kid with a BIP home repeatedly is unacceptable. If OP cannot afford a lawyer look into whether there is an Ombudsman.

There are also clinics and pro bono projects. Huge one at Stanford.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son just started kindergarten. He has an IEP. It’s been rocky.

The teacher seems exasperated with him.

The school isn’t following the IEP. I’m holding them accountable for following the IEP and feel their dislike of me and my child. It feels like they just want us to leave and go to another school.

I’m wondering how you handle this sense of rejection and knowing people don’t like you and your kid? I’m finding it so heartbreaking. I know I shouldn’t be surprised by any of this, but I didn’t expect this level of bias against my son with a disability.

It's been, what ... a week? And you've already decided the school doesn't "like" your kid or you? And you're "heartbroken?"

What is the disability, exactly?

Nothing is worse than ignoramuses wandering in here from the recent topics page, not even reading the thread, and then spouting dumb sh!t.

The kid has been in school for five weeks.

One month in though is not a whole lot of time. Op I think you do catch more flies with sugar. I think you need to find a way to get the faculty on your side. Can you volunteer in the classroom or the lunchroom, library or at recess? What about the pta? That goes a long way with teachers and admin usually. I think you have come out very aggressively with demanding accommodations and then are surprised that people aren’t thrilled with that. All schools are understaffed and under resourced. No one kid is getting every single need met. I understand your mama bear feelings but you also need to work with the dynamics if you think mainstreaming is the best option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Former educator and school psych professional here - the best IEP is not the one that is textbook and beautifully written. It's the one that can be followed with integrity. In these situations, it's best to go into it with grace, assuming that everyone is doing the best they can. They don't dislike you or your child. They are completely overwhelmed. If you don't acknowledge that, it's the same as no one acknowledging YOUR struggles. Please try to be realistic in what the school can provide and be open to compromise. Otherwise, you're going to get nowhere.

OP is a parent of a profoundly disabled child, who may never be able to learn and is under the stress and trauma of a combat solider. Every day. Asking that she put aside all of her trauma dealing with her child every day to realize hey teachers have a sad! Work bad! Is just asinine. Get a new job.

This is a totally unrealistic, unhelpful point of view for both teachers and families.

DP. No it is not. The moments of clarity I had realizing that certain school personnel were just incompetent f-ips were very helpful. OP should understand the system but zero reason to be empathetic or whatever. certainly not as a way to excuse active mistreatment of her kid. (sending the kid home repeatedly is mistreatment.)

[Anonymous]

What would happen if you didn't pick him up when they called? It's a violation of his civil rights for them to exclude him from school like that.

[Anonymous]

I really appreciate this thread.

The feeling of community ostracizing as pp put it is viscerally painful and was shocking to us. It is one of the most basic things since caveman times to want your children to be accepted by your community and seriously I felt like most of the school staff and other parents would have happily left my kid outside to be eaten by sabertooth tigers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son just started kindergarten. He has an IEP. It’s been rocky.

The teacher seems exasperated with him.

The school isn’t following the IEP. I’m holding them accountable for following the IEP and feel their dislike of me and my child. It feels like they just want us to leave and go to another school.

I’m wondering how you handle this sense of rejection and knowing people don’t like you and your kid? I’m finding it so heartbreaking. I know I shouldn’t be surprised by any of this, but I didn’t expect this level of bias against my son with a disability.

It's been, what ... a week? And you've already decided the school doesn't "like" your kid or you? And you're "heartbroken?"

What is the disability, exactly?

Nothing is worse than ignoramuses wandering in here from the recent topics page, not even reading the thread, and then spouting dumb sh!t.

The kid has been in school for five weeks.

One month in though is not a whole lot of time. Op I think you do catch more flies with sugar. I think you need to find a way to get the faculty on your side. Can you volunteer in the classroom or the lunchroom, library or at recess? What about the pta? That goes a long way with teachers and admin usually. I think you have come out very aggressively with demanding accommodations and then are surprised that people aren’t thrilled with that. All schools are understaffed and under resourced. No one kid is getting every single need met. I understand your mama bear feelings but you also need to work with the dynamics if you think mainstreaming is the best option.

Op does not have to be apologetic for sending her disabled child to school. She does not have to be grateful. She may well not have wanted a mainstream placement. These assumptions are ridiculous. OP’s child exists. She does not have to obsequious her way through life to placate everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What would happen if you didn't pick him up when they called? It's a violation of his civil rights for them to exclude him from school like that.

she needs to document it. they’re doing her a big favor for her future case for parent-initiated private placement. in fact there’s some argument for pulling him right now because the facts are good for OP …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really appreciate this thread.

The feeling of community ostracizing as pp put it is viscerally painful and was shocking to us. It is one of the most basic things since caveman times to want your children to be accepted by your community and seriously I felt like most of the school staff and other parents would have happily left my kid outside to be eaten by sabertooth tigers.

Yep. And then they looooove me and my husband and our other kids. F off. Not interested. No you can’t use our pool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really appreciate this thread.

The feeling of community ostracizing as pp put it is viscerally painful and was shocking to us. It is one of the most basic things since caveman times to want your children to be accepted by your community and seriously I felt like most of the school staff and other parents would have happily left my kid outside to be eaten by sabertooth tigers.

Yep. And then they looooove me and my husband and our other kids. F off. Not interested. No you can’t use our pool.

ha ha totally. that said, I definitely use my DH to talk to the school whenever possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would happen if you didn't pick him up when they called? It's a violation of his civil rights for them to exclude him from school like that.

she needs to document it. they’re doing her a big favor for her future case for parent-initiated private placement. in fact there’s some argument for pulling him right now because the facts are good for OP …

True. Realistically, OP, if your kid has this much going on, a private placement is likely the most appropriate setting. And there are procedures put in place to facilitate that. Try not to be emotional because that clouds judgement and wastes time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not violent, not eloping…why would they be calling you to pick him up? It’s not adding up. Why are you being so evasive if you’re not even in the area? We won’t be able to pick out your child from NC or wherever you are.


Public schools literally cannot cover the needs of every kid. If they say they don’t have the staff then they don’t have the staff. I’m sorry, but I don’t know what else you want to hear. Teaching is an insanely difficult job. Especially now.

One other reason for sending him home is that he may be incontinent. (I’m presuming when OP says not violent, he’s not tearing the classroom apart either).

Regardless of the reason, OP has identified problems. But she doesn’t seem to be asking about resolution. Rather than find out when they expect to have therapists for the pullouts and what the plan is if that doesn’t happen, she seems to be digging in saying they have to provide what they clearly can’t.

Also just because a BIP was developed with the current team does not mean it’s one that will work. That’s another thing that OP seems to just be complaining about. It would be more helpful to regroup as a team and revise if it’s not working or unable to be implemented.

I guess what I’m saying is that you can always demand and hire lawyers and the like. But until you actually know the problem and whether there is a solution that can be developed, it’s pretty useless to complain. Of course you might get compensatory services - a few years down the road. But the problem is now.

omg just stfu. the answer to all of these questions is for the SCHOOL to figure it out and to provide the necessary services. OP is AT HOME - she cannot analyze the SCHOOL behavior or come up with a plan for the school. The school has to do that. It’s entirely possible that the child needs a different placement but seriously stfu about mom needing to do more here. this is 100% on the school and the school is failing. whether or not you think the school has a good excuse for failing (lack of resources), the school is failing.

As a parent, you are part of the team that has to make the school experience successful. Recognizing that is one of the reasons I was successful in getting my child what they needed, including a non Mainstream placement.

What OP is doing is the equivalent of banging her head against a wall. If she never figures out the underlying problem, she’s just going to keep banging away and wonder why she’s not getting results. Us BTDT parents do have worthwhile advice and suggestions even if you, PP, don’t like them. And not everyone has the money for a lawyer.

Well the school is still failing. Sure OP needs to be strategic but there’s no reason to tiptoe around it. Sending a kid with a BIP home repeatedly is unacceptable. If OP cannot afford a lawyer look into whether there is an Ombudsman.

Not the PP you’re responding to, but I think if OP is asked to pick her child up she should have it documented as a suspension. Because once her kid is suspended 5x the school has to call a meeting and figure out specific services or potentially private placement that will work (funded by the school system). If she just picks her kid up “off the books” then she is making their job easier without furthering the process for her kid to get help.

If what other posters are saying is true that the teachers/admin are not equipped to provide services for her child, then this needs to be documented for everyone’s sake so that things can proceed onward. Like ok this school cannot help OP’s kid, so let’s find the placement that will. And she shouldn’t have to pay for her kid’s education if the public school cannot accommodate him. The law says they have to find him a place he can have his needs met (in the least restrictive environment, which may not be mainstream public school).

The second best case scenario (aside from the public mainstream class being accommodating) is to get the school in agreement he needs a different placement so OP can fight for funding for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not violent, not eloping…why would they be calling you to pick him up? It’s not adding up. Why are you being so evasive if you’re not even in the area? We won’t be able to pick out your child from NC or wherever you are.


Public schools literally cannot cover the needs of every kid. If they say they don’t have the staff then they don’t have the staff. I’m sorry, but I don’t know what else you want to hear. Teaching is an insanely difficult job. Especially now.

One other reason for sending him home is that he may be incontinent. (I’m presuming when OP says not violent, he’s not tearing the classroom apart either).

Regardless of the reason, OP has identified problems. But she doesn’t seem to be asking about resolution. Rather than find out when they expect to have therapists for the pullouts and what the plan is if that doesn’t happen, she seems to be digging in saying they have to provide what they clearly can’t.

Also just because a BIP was developed with the current team does not mean it’s one that will work. That’s another thing that OP seems to just be complaining about. It would be more helpful to regroup as a team and revise if it’s not working or unable to be implemented.

I guess what I’m saying is that you can always demand and hire lawyers and the like. But until you actually know the problem and whether there is a solution that can be developed, it’s pretty useless to complain. Of course you might get compensatory services - a few years down the road. But the problem is now.

omg just stfu. the answer to all of these questions is for the SCHOOL to figure it out and to provide the necessary services. OP is AT HOME - she cannot analyze the SCHOOL behavior or come up with a plan for the school. The school has to do that. It’s entirely possible that the child needs a different placement but seriously stfu about mom needing to do more here. this is 100% on the school and the school is failing. whether or not you think the school has a good excuse for failing (lack of resources), the school is failing.

As a parent, you are part of the team that has to make the school experience successful. Recognizing that is one of the reasons I was successful in getting my child what they needed, including a non Mainstream placement.

What OP is doing is the equivalent of banging her head against a wall. If she never figures out the underlying problem, she’s just going to keep banging away and wonder why she’s not getting results. Us BTDT parents do have worthwhile advice and suggestions even if you, PP, don’t like them. And not everyone has the money for a lawyer.

Well the school is still failing. Sure OP needs to be strategic but there’s no reason to tiptoe around it. Sending a kid with a BIP home repeatedly is unacceptable. If OP cannot afford a lawyer look into whether there is an Ombudsman.

Not the PP you’re responding to, but I think if OP is asked to pick her child up she should have it documented as a suspension. Because once her kid is suspended 5x the school has to call a meeting and figure out specific services or potentially private placement that will work (funded by the school system). If she just picks her kid up “off the books” then she is making their job easier without furthering the process for her kid to get help.

If what other posters are saying is true that the teachers/admin are not equipped to provide services for her child, then this needs to be documented for everyone’s sake so that things can proceed onward. Like ok this school cannot help OP’s kid, so let’s find the placement that will. And she shouldn’t have to pay for her kid’s education if the public school cannot accommodate him. The law says they have to find him a place he can have his needs met (in the least restrictive environment, which may not be mainstream public school).

The second best case scenario (aside from the public mainstream class being accommodating) is to get the school in agreement he needs a different placement so OP can fight for funding for that.

Meant to add I’m agreeing with you that sending him home repeatedly is not acceptable.