Do men love their kids?

[Anonymous]

If someone came to my house and said “give me your kidney and eyes now to save your own kids. Also, you will have no anesthesia during the operation.” I would do it without question. I would do anything for my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think people observe a range of fathers doing a range of things and then assemble the anecdotes to support whatever their preexisting view of fathers was. I have seen moms acting detached as well.

Also, a few people have mentioned “just a financial provider” or otherwise minimized that role. For those (men or women) who do take on that role, it is most definitely a profound expression of love. How do I make sure the family is secure, no matter what happens? The constant planning and worrying. The money doesn’t just magically show up in the bank account.

Now feel free to share your anecdotes of dads who aren’t the main breadwinner and are still detached, as though that proves anything except for your hunger for confirmation.

I made a reference to being “just a financial provider” because in one of OP’s earlier posts she mentioned a lot of dads will financially provide, but do nothing more. So my comment is in the context that my DH isn’t “just a provider” but also does “x, y, z.” Not to minimize that role but to show that you can do both.

In our house though DH and I make similar incomes so we share the financial provider role and caregiving role. We made a conscious decision that we’d rather have 2 flexible remote jobs making ~150k so we can both be involved in the day to day lives of our kids rather than prioritize 1 high earner. And it means we’re both leaning out of opportunities to move up. Different families make different choices (I grew to with a breadwinner dad who loved me very much and came to all my sports games, father/daughter dances, etc., made sure I had braces and college paid for, and so on). My mom did not work or otherwise provide financially, but showed love for our family in other ways.

[Anonymous]

Obviously men (writ large) love their kids. But it's also feasible for men to be much more detached from their kids than women. My DH is probably the best dad I've ever met, and he didn't really connect with our baby until birth. By that time I had a good 4 months of planning everything in my life around the baby I could feel kicking inside of me. It became "real" to him when he could hold her and see her.

It's possible for a man to get a woman pregnant and peace out entirely before the resutling baby becomes "real" to him. These are the deadbeat dads that are just literally creating broken homes all over town with multiple women and dodging child support and never seeing their kids. I don't think it's really possible to argue that they love their kids.

But this thread is about dads who live with their kids, help raise them, pay for their needs and feed them and bathe them (and in one instance, even go on field trips with their school) - turning around and saying they don't love their kids because it doesn't look exactly like what the mom's relationship with the kids looks like, seems pretty nuts. Do some divorced people prioritize their newfound "freedom" and "second chance" over family time and their kids' stability? Yeah, in both genders. Does that mean that Men aren't capable of experiencing filial love? Obviously not.

[Anonymous]

I can only speak for my husband and he absolutely loves them. While they were growing up he rarely did guys things as his free time was family time. No poker night, no golf, no boys night out but he was very happy. Now as a grandfather he has car seats in his car as he adores the little ones.

[Anonymous]

They love their kids. Most of them. But not like women do.

Eve, by Cat Bohannon, is a recent book about the evolution of the female human body. It is fascinating and touches on why this is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do men love their kids? Like truly love their kids or do they just take care of them out of obligation?

Why are women so dumb?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Generally, men love themselves first and their wife/kids second. Women love their kids first and themselves second.

Of the divorced parents I’ve known, men tend to prioritize their own happiness and will give up custody or move out of state for “work”. They’ve explained to me that they need to put on their own oxygen mask first to be a good dad, or that they don’t feel guilty because they are providing for their kids.

I remember going on a date with a man who poured so much of his money into an entrepreneurial venture that he lived in a trailer with other men in an area so had a judge ruled his kids couldn’t visit him there, so he only saw them once a month. But this was okay with him, because he planned on making a ton of money so he could provide for his kids later on.

Which he did, but he also remarried and started a new family. My guess is that his kids would have preferred he work a regular job and stayed with their mom rather than try to buy their love later on.

Of course this isn’t always the case. I lost my mom very young and we were raised by my dad. He did a fantastic job and put us first - he quit his demanding career and got a lower paying one so he could be finished by 3pm every day, did not date at all until we were well into our 20s, as kids he always spent quality time with us every day.

But among other kids I knew who lost their mom, it was far more common for dad to start dating right away. I knew kids who went through severe depression, self-mutilation, etc because their dad immediately started bringing other women home. Absolutely terrible.

I know those dads would say they loved their kids, and would be concerned enough to get them into therapy, but wouldn’t go as far as putting their kids’ needs above their own.

This was what my dad did after my mom died suddenly. It was very, very clear that he wanted to find another woman, and this was more important to him than the impact this would have on his three children. Every girlfriend, starting with the one he found three months after our mom died, became his priority, and eventually he married one of them. Then he made it clear that she was the most important thing to him. It was scary and eerie to see my previously loving dad simply turn off his love for us and transfer it to someone outside of our family. To this day, it is her and her grandchildren who come first.

And over the years I met many other people who had similar experiences when they lost their mother young. It's super common for widowers to move super fast to replace the wife. No one focuses much on what this means for the children.

[Anonymous]

Yes, Dh loves our kids. Here are some signs. When DD was a newborn, she had insane reflux and never slept. He worked, and I was SAHM, and three nights per week, he slept with her on his chest. He drove from his job in Canada at least once a month for over 11 hours just to spend weekends with the kids during the pandemic.
When they were old enough to ride bikes but still in elementary school, he would take bike rides with them that were a couple of hours long and stop for ice cream and other snacks.

I have million examples, but not sure what would you take as an example of love?

I would say that he was incredibly moved when I gave birth to our first born and thanked me for giving him a child.
They are now young adults out of college and working, and his love for them is even stronger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a couple who broke up when the wife cheated on her husband and moved away leaving him with their kids. Everyone around them is rightfully horrified by her behavior and none of us can figure out how a mom just abandons her family like that. A marriage breaking up and a divorce -- ok we get that. But I don't know how a mother walks away from her kids. I also have an uncle who raised his two daughters solo because his wife left them and same thing -- how do you abandon your kids like that.

But it's interesting because I know a number of men who have cheated on their wives and divorced and are now pretty minimally involved with their kids and I never hear anyone say "I just don't understand how he can abandon his family like that." Like people aren't impressed by these men but they aren't surprised by it.

I just think culturally we don't expect men to be as attached to kids or family. Obviously some men are but it's not expected in the same way it is for women. Both the women I've mentioned here who abandoned their kids ran away and started new lives elsewhere -- I don't know what even happened to them. And no one has any interest in maintaining relationships with them because of what they did. But the men I know who have done the similar are still right where they were -- same jobs and same cities. People don't approve but also aren't shunning them. Just a very different dynamic.

Millenium of internalized misogyny. Society has such very low expectations of men, while holding women to a ridiculously high standard of sacrifice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve often wondered something similar but for a different reason. I would never leave my kids and move out to go live somewhere else. Men do it ALL the time, women much less frequently. It’s not that I think they don’t love their kids, I just literally can’t comprehend how they can do it.

My dad did it, my own husband did it (left his kids with his ex). I just wouldn’t.

I'm sorry, but your DH did this, you can't understand it, but still married him? Did you ever think that such a man could do the same to you and your kids?

[Anonymous]

Do women love their children? Based on what I experienced, there are moms who do not love their kids, nor care for them other than to abuse them.

[Anonymous]

This is so so stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, men love their children.

But not in the same way as women. Men's priority is the woman with whom they are sleeping. If that relationship ends (widowed, divorced), they will prioritize finding a new woman to sleep with, and it is very clear that finding and establishing this new relationship comes before their existing children.

Men seem to struggle with maintaining their relationship with children when the children's mother disappears.

1000%. My DH was an amazing dad to our children for 15+ years... until he started an affair with a co-worker and decided to leave us for her. Now, he is like a entirely different person. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He's just a step above a deadbeat dad now. It's unbelievable to all our friends and family how he has changed. And once our divorces are final (hers too), he's planning on moving in with her and her kids. Sick

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, men love their children.

But not in the same way as women. Men's priority is the woman with whom they are sleeping. If that relationship ends (widowed, divorced), they will prioritize finding a new woman to sleep with, and it is very clear that finding and establishing this new relationship comes before their existing children.

Men seem to struggle with maintaining their relationship with children when the children's mother disappears.

I think the opposite is true. Men tend to form stronger relationships with their children without a mother present.

I agree with you. The above pp must only know some narcissists or messed-up losers. DH and I love each other; we are soul mates. Thirty years strong and going. I would ditch him in a second if he did something to abuse our kids. And he would ditch me in a second for the kids if I was some abusive mom.

Mature and confident men can love a woman and love and be there for their kids. Only pathetic losers put sex partners above their kids and their families. But, we know there are a lot of those, as many post about such partners on dcum.

[Anonymous]

Of course they do but women have a nine month head start on getting to know them!