School refusal after suspension

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is he an only child? Has he been put in lots of social situations besides school (clubs, activities, neighborhood play, rec sport)? My son sounds similar to yours - nerdy, no video games and very low screens, and an only child new to the school in an area where everyone has multiple siblings and all know each other already.

I hate to say this, but I did my best to have DS fit in. I bought him a few new clothes (he was wearing plain primary colors and I bought him some brand name stuff from Kohls and some sports jerseys). I also put him in rec sports (at this age a lot of them are still pretty bad!) and found a sport he could be decent at recreationally. I put time into practicing with him until he could at least not feel embarrassed about playing. I also asked the teacher to give me social reports and any feedback she could share about his classroom interactions. I also tried my best to find out about similar kids (math kids, other boys who weren’t into sports) and encouraged friendships through reaching out to the moms.

Of course I have not crushed his natural interests and always give him a say in what he wants to wear or do (he picked soccer over basketball, baseball over tennis). He is still nerdy and he still says and does things that aren’t quite as socially adept and “cool” as those 2nd graders with older brothers. But he doesn’t really get teased anymore and he is much more confident. He feels like he has friends.

I admit we were behind on the clothes thing (3rd grade), and that he's resistant to wearing athletic wear like his new classmates do (is too used to a uniform). I know wearing jeans and a nice shirt hurts his relationships, but we absolutely cannot get him to wear sweats to school. He plays rec baseball and soccer, and bless his heart, while he's terrible, those kids do not pick on him for it. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be overlap between them and his classmates.

Any other suggestions? He loves piano, but that doesn't seem popular.

Should have added, we were considering letting him play video games until this latest incident. Now that's out, and I know that REALLY hurts his social cred.

Why? That makes zero sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would love to hear the other parent's side of this story.

Knocking out a kid's tooth does not seem like a proportional response to a trip.

What? it was DS who was tripped and his tooth knocked out. When the kid who tripped him stuck his foot out in front of again (the teacher said it was done in a joking manner, it happened when DS was walking to the teacher's desk to turn something in), DS shoved him. The kid was sitting at his desk, DS did not shove him hard enough to knock him out, and he and was not injured. I agree DS can't be shoving people, but the physical harm done was all on him.

The teacher is a jerk! Your son should not have shoved, but doing that "as a joke" (following an incident where it was done for real causing injury) is bullying! No wonder he doesn't want to go to school. Other kids are trying to hurt him, the teachers don't support him, and he gets in trouble if he tries to defend himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was this an adult tooth or a baby tooth? If it was an adult tooth I would literally file a police complaint.

This kid hates this school. I would not put them back. The school is really damaging his mental health and even separating him from the bully is not going to be enough.

Is he way above grade level academically?

It was an adult tooth. He's handled the actual dental visits like a champ, but seeing the kid who did it is another story. We've told the school this over and over, but they insist the offender won't do it again. I mean...probably not, but I don't joking about it is appropriate either.

I wouldn't say he's way above. 2-3 years, depending on the subject. He's not, like, one of those kids you homeschool because they're doing calculus in 5th grade.

I would sue the school and the kid who tripped them.

Yea IMO this is not an over-reaction and it would teach DS not to put up with s---. You can probably do it in small claims court without hiring a lawyer.

For a front tooth replacement, you can find a contingency attorney. Assuming you were smart enough to send a letter to the principal and the district asking them to preserve all evidence including video footage pending legal action, there should be a recording. Replacing a tooth is expensive and you have pain and suffering

[Anonymous]

I think you need to (1) look at what is causing the bullying and (2) have him work with a therapist who can provide objective advice on how to deal with it. Then maybe find a new school for next year to get a fresh start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is he an only child? Has he been put in lots of social situations besides school (clubs, activities, neighborhood play, rec sport)? My son sounds similar to yours - nerdy, no video games and very low screens, and an only child new to the school in an area where everyone has multiple siblings and all know each other already.

I hate to say this, but I did my best to have DS fit in. I bought him a few new clothes (he was wearing plain primary colors and I bought him some brand name stuff from Kohls and some sports jerseys). I also put him in rec sports (at this age a lot of them are still pretty bad!) and found a sport he could be decent at recreationally. I put time into practicing with him until he could at least not feel embarrassed about playing. I also asked the teacher to give me social reports and any feedback she could share about his classroom interactions. I also tried my best to find out about similar kids (math kids, other boys who weren’t into sports) and encouraged friendships through reaching out to the moms.

Of course I have not crushed his natural interests and always give him a say in what he wants to wear or do (he picked soccer over basketball, baseball over tennis). He is still nerdy and he still says and does things that aren’t quite as socially adept and “cool” as those 2nd graders with older brothers. But he doesn’t really get teased anymore and he is much more confident. He feels like he has friends.

I admit we were behind on the clothes thing (3rd grade), and that he's resistant to wearing athletic wear like his new classmates do (is too used to a uniform). I know wearing jeans and a nice shirt hurts his relationships, but we absolutely cannot get him to wear sweats to school. He plays rec baseball and soccer, and bless his heart, while he's terrible, those kids do not pick on him for it. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be overlap between them and his classmates.

Any other suggestions? He loves piano, but that doesn't seem popular.

Should have added, we were considering letting him play video games until this latest incident. Now that's out, and I know that REALLY hurts his social cred.

I'm the PP who has been there, and I think you are making a mistake. It's fine to limit screen time, and fine to limit the games that he is playing, but you are also potentially cutting him off from "his people." The boys your son is going to meet in middle school, who will share his overall temperament, will want to talk about Zelda and Starfall Valley and other games. He might just be a nerd, but if you cut him off from nerd culture, he'll be a nerd with no other nerd friends.

100%. He needs to know nerd culture because those will be his people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And while I appreciate everyone's comments on the bullying, I'm really more concerned about the school refusal at this point. DS is humiliated by the suspension, by the fact no one seems willing to forget about it, and he's terrified this other child will hurt him again. He went to school today, but he cried all the way there.

We've had meetings (DH is involved). The principal insists DS is taking things harder than he should. His therapist is working with him, but DS is so afraid his classmates will find out he needed therapy and use that to bully him further that he doesn't participate well.

The bullying is what is causing the school refusal, OP. Of course that needs to be addressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is he an only child? Has he been put in lots of social situations besides school (clubs, activities, neighborhood play, rec sport)? My son sounds similar to yours - nerdy, no video games and very low screens, and an only child new to the school in an area where everyone has multiple siblings and all know each other already.

I hate to say this, but I did my best to have DS fit in. I bought him a few new clothes (he was wearing plain primary colors and I bought him some brand name stuff from Kohls and some sports jerseys). I also put him in rec sports (at this age a lot of them are still pretty bad!) and found a sport he could be decent at recreationally. I put time into practicing with him until he could at least not feel embarrassed about playing. I also asked the teacher to give me social reports and any feedback she could share about his classroom interactions. I also tried my best to find out about similar kids (math kids, other boys who weren’t into sports) and encouraged friendships through reaching out to the moms.

Of course I have not crushed his natural interests and always give him a say in what he wants to wear or do (he picked soccer over basketball, baseball over tennis). He is still nerdy and he still says and does things that aren’t quite as socially adept and “cool” as those 2nd graders with older brothers. But he doesn’t really get teased anymore and he is much more confident. He feels like he has friends.

I admit we were behind on the clothes thing (3rd grade), and that he's resistant to wearing athletic wear like his new classmates do (is too used to a uniform). I know wearing jeans and a nice shirt hurts his relationships, but we absolutely cannot get him to wear sweats to school. He plays rec baseball and soccer, and bless his heart, while he's terrible, those kids do not pick on him for it. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be overlap between them and his classmates.

Any other suggestions? He loves piano, but that doesn't seem popular.

Should have added, we were considering letting him play video games until this latest incident. Now that's out, and I know that REALLY hurts his social cred.

I'm the PP who has been there, and I think you are making a mistake. It's fine to limit screen time, and fine to limit the games that he is playing, but you are also potentially cutting him off from "his people." The boys your son is going to meet in middle school, who will share his overall temperament, will want to talk about Zelda and Starfall Valley and other games. He might just be a nerd, but if you cut him off from nerd culture, he'll be a nerd with no other nerd friends.

100%. He needs to know nerd culture because those will be his people.

OP you need to treat helping your DS find his people like it's your new job. When my DD was in third grade we moved to a very insular area where lots of families had been there for generations and many kids had known each other for years. I spent a lot of time joining all sorts of things and finding out the activities many of the girls participated in outside of school, and signed my DD up for like double the amount of them than I would ordinarily. And I hosted three times the amount of playdates than I wanted to, and on and on... It worked...it took a bit of time...but she found her people (and an activity she's really passionate about, too)...You just need a few (people).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was this an adult tooth or a baby tooth? If it was an adult tooth I would literally file a police complaint.

This kid hates this school. I would not put them back. The school is really damaging his mental health and even separating him from the bully is not going to be enough.

Is he way above grade level academically?

absolutely not - he goes to school even if he’s a little unhappy. otherwise you end up with complete school refusal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And while I appreciate everyone's comments on the bullying, I'm really more concerned about the school refusal at this point. DS is humiliated by the suspension, by the fact no one seems willing to forget about it, and he's terrified this other child will hurt him again. He went to school today, but he cried all the way there.

We've had meetings (DH is involved). The principal insists DS is taking things harder than he should. His therapist is working with him, but DS is so afraid his classmates will find out he needed therapy and use that to bully him further that he doesn't participate well.

If your coworker hauled off and punched one of your teeth out, would you go back to work? Kids who are forced into schools they hate sometimes commit suicide. I bring that up not to shame you but to make the right decision for your kid.

this is absurd. you don’t pull your kid from school because they are a little uncomfortable. stop with the scare tactics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And while I appreciate everyone's comments on the bullying, I'm really more concerned about the school refusal at this point. DS is humiliated by the suspension, by the fact no one seems willing to forget about it, and he's terrified this other child will hurt him again. He went to school today, but he cried all the way there.

We've had meetings (DH is involved). The principal insists DS is taking things harder than he should. His therapist is working with him, but DS is so afraid his classmates will find out he needed therapy and use that to bully him further that he doesn't participate well.

You need to present a clear and united front that DS goes to school, crying or not. Your son sounds very anxious and you cannot over accomodate otherwise he’ll end up refusing all school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he needs an IEP. I would start the process immediately. It will protect him from further discipline for behavior he clearly cannot control.

An IEP won’t keep you from discipline for violent behavior.

It actually will in DCPS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And while I appreciate everyone's comments on the bullying, I'm really more concerned about the school refusal at this point. DS is humiliated by the suspension, by the fact no one seems willing to forget about it, and he's terrified this other child will hurt him again. He went to school today, but he cried all the way there.

We've had meetings (DH is involved). The principal insists DS is taking things harder than he should. His therapist is working with him, but DS is so afraid his classmates will find out he needed therapy and use that to bully him further that he doesn't participate well.

You need to present a clear and united front that DS goes to school, crying or not. Your son sounds very anxious and you cannot over accomodate otherwise he’ll end up refusing all school.

He's not anxious, he has a justifiable fear of physical injury.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is he an only child? Has he been put in lots of social situations besides school (clubs, activities, neighborhood play, rec sport)? My son sounds similar to yours - nerdy, no video games and very low screens, and an only child new to the school in an area where everyone has multiple siblings and all know each other already.

I hate to say this, but I did my best to have DS fit in. I bought him a few new clothes (he was wearing plain primary colors and I bought him some brand name stuff from Kohls and some sports jerseys). I also put him in rec sports (at this age a lot of them are still pretty bad!) and found a sport he could be decent at recreationally. I put time into practicing with him until he could at least not feel embarrassed about playing. I also asked the teacher to give me social reports and any feedback she could share about his classroom interactions. I also tried my best to find out about similar kids (math kids, other boys who weren’t into sports) and encouraged friendships through reaching out to the moms.

Of course I have not crushed his natural interests and always give him a say in what he wants to wear or do (he picked soccer over basketball, baseball over tennis). He is still nerdy and he still says and does things that aren’t quite as socially adept and “cool” as those 2nd graders with older brothers. But he doesn’t really get teased anymore and he is much more confident. He feels like he has friends.

I admit we were behind on the clothes thing (3rd grade), and that he's resistant to wearing athletic wear like his new classmates do (is too used to a uniform). I know wearing jeans and a nice shirt hurts his relationships, but we absolutely cannot get him to wear sweats to school. He plays rec baseball and soccer, and bless his heart, while he's terrible, those kids do not pick on him for it. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be overlap between them and his classmates.

Any other suggestions? He loves piano, but that doesn't seem popular.

Should have added, we were considering letting him play video games until this latest incident. Now that's out, and I know that REALLY hurts his social cred.

I'm the PP who has been there, and I think you are making a mistake. It's fine to limit screen time, and fine to limit the games that he is playing, but you are also potentially cutting him off from "his people." The boys your son is going to meet in middle school, who will share his overall temperament, will want to talk about Zelda and Starfall Valley and other games. He might just be a nerd, but if you cut him off from nerd culture, he'll be a nerd with no other nerd friends.

100%. He needs to know nerd culture because those will be his people.

OP you need to treat helping your DS find his people like it's your new job. When my DD was in third grade we moved to a very insular area where lots of families had been there for generations and many kids had known each other for years. I spent a lot of time joining all sorts of things and finding out the activities many of the girls participated in outside of school, and signed my DD up for like double the amount of them than I would ordinarily. And I hosted three times the amount of playdates than I wanted to, and on and on... It worked...it took a bit of time...but she found her people (and an activity she's really passionate about, too)...You just need a few (people).

Thanks. I'd planned on having him try a lot of new things this summer, but it's so hard to get past my own stumbling block of rewarding a child who's in so much trouble with his school. I feel stuck.

[Anonymous]

Poor kid. Homeschooling with private tutor?

[Anonymous]

Why did he bomb the Cogat? If you're going to move him again, you need to get him into appropriately challenging classes, and it sounds like there's some kind of disconnect between his testing performance & his school performance. Cogat & WISC both test roughly the same thing, so a bombed Cogat with good WISC testing would be a bit of a red flag that something is going on. (Did he intentionally bomb thinking he'd go back to private school? Does he have some kind of undiagnosed LD that could explain the social struggles as well?)