AITA: summer edition

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tried to approach it in a neutral manner by asking about what he had on the agenda for the summer. He mentioned he wanted to go on a fly fishing trip (he’d go alone) then a trip to visit his mom who lives in Oregon. Great I said. I then asked if he planned to pick up any tutoring or work through the school district. That’s when he got mad.

But I get it. I probably shouldn’t have even asked. And yes, I’m jealous. I may get a long weekend trip this summer (no summer two week trip like one pp mentioned) while he travels for several weeks this summer. I also agree that I should know that I have different responsibilities as the breadwinner. I’ll use my summer to shift my attitude and reframe my thinking.

Hang on.

There’s money for him to take two solo vacations but not money for a single family vacation this summer? That’s not ok.

OP your husband sounds entitled.

This. My husband would never go on solo vacations if we couldn’t afford a family vacation. He IS taking the kids with him to visit his mother, right?

Whatever you do, do not sign your kids up for summer camps when they are school aged. Your husband is a princess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he is at home this summer, why do your kids need daycare? Have him take care of the kids, book dinner, be a SAHD. I am a middle school math teacher and never have I worked summers.

Pulling them out of daycare (which is discounted slightly for firm employees) would result in us losing our spot. The wait list is astronomical. So we could just not send them and pay for their spot, but that seems like a waste of $$$.

You husband is pretty worthless if you think your kids are better off spending time at a corporate daycare vs with him.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he is at home this summer, why do your kids need daycare? Have him take care of the kids, book dinner, be a SAHD. I am a middle school math teacher and never have I worked summers.

Pulling them out of daycare (which is discounted slightly for firm employees) would result in us losing our spot. The wait list is astronomical. So we could just not send them and pay for their spot, but that seems like a waste of $$$.

Wow.
I could see the idea of sending them if spouse did have a summer job—but you’re going to staff out raising your kids even in the summertime when one of you is home all day?
I understand the policy that requires you to pay to keep the slot.
I don’t understand sending your kids ti daycare when they could stay in their own home and spend time with the parent who is home. That’s crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he is at home this summer, why do your kids need daycare? Have him take care of the kids, book dinner, be a SAHD. I am a middle school math teacher and never have I worked summers.

Pulling them out of daycare (which is discounted slightly for firm employees) would result in us losing our spot. The wait list is astronomical. So we could just not send them and pay for their spot, but that seems like a waste of $$$.

You husband is pretty worthless if you think your kids are better off spending time at a corporate daycare vs with him.

+1

Plus 10000000000

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you would have a hell of a lot more free time if you divorced. He does however sound like the kind of person who would forget to show up to pick up his kids. Why are you married to him again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you would have a hell of a lot more free time if you divorced. He does however sound like the kind of person who would forget to show up to pick up his kids. Why are you married to him again?

She’d have to pay child support if she divorced since she’s the primary income…

[Anonymous]

Maybe your teacher wife can spend the summer tutoring you in the proper use of singular and plural pronouns when describing her. Your post is very hard to read. Really, there is just one of her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back. I appreciate everyone’s thoughts. I’ll try to answer a few lingering questions that seem to run through several responses.

Last summer he didn’t work. We had a newborn and I was on maternity leave and was just struggling. That kid is now 1 (older kid is 3.5) and in daycare. The summers prior he has worked. It’s been different things (tutoring, one summer before kids he bartended a couple night a week, took some odd jobs), but it’s always been a little something coming in.

He could take the kids from daycare but honestly he’s nap-trapped a good portion of the day and the 1 year old really doesn’t care about museums and such.

He leaves for school early (6:45) because he has morning duties so I’m on deck already every day for getting kids up and ready. He’s not a morning person so without nagging I don’t foresee him suddenly taking on morning duties. And really, I’m so over nagging.

I appreciate the perspective of the pp who admitted to seething while rebuilding the nest egg. I see him out spending money while I work. The resentment is creeping in.

I should also add that he really loves teaching and is great at connecting with kids who don’t want to be there (particularly tween/teen boys). So while teaching is hard, I totally agree with that, he’s not completely beat down and downtrodden (yet).

It doesn’t really matter that he isn’t a morning person. He should get up in the summers and help you get the kids out the door so you also get a little break during that time. My husband isn’t a morning person either but he has never wavered and never complained about doing his half in the morning. Your husband could then go back to sleep after you all left the house if he wanted to. But to not get up and help your spouse because you want to sleep in for two months is…I don’t even know the right word for it but I’d hate to be married to someone like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a little surprised by the responses. Summer off is like the singular benefit of being a teacher! Between the stress, pay, extra workload, dealing with other peoples nasty kids, it's a rough job. Getting some time off over summer is literally the only upside!

I think with the extra info of having to dip into your savings is important. But I dont think its fair that people are talking about someone sitting on their a$$ all summer and not contributing. No one says that about SAHMs and dont necessarily expect them to pick up jobs when things get tight.

You can look at reducing expenses, and I like the idea of him spending some extra time with the kids instead of sending them to daycare for a few weeks. Can he take them to visit his mom? You deserve a break, but it's not healthy to begrudge your spouse for wanting to enjoy the only nice thing about their job.

I mean, presumably a middle school math teacher actually has an interest in the subject he teaches, so while summers off are a perk, they're not the only good thing about teaching.

Also, what SAHM is sitting her a$$ all summer? I work so I have no dog in that fight but seriously.

And it's not begrudging your spouse a perk of their job to want them to help you out when they are less busy than you. It's called being a teammate.

If kids are in daycare all summer, what is a SAHM doing? Sitting on her ass.

What SAHM has her kids in daycare all day? What the actual f are you talking about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had to dip into our emergency fund pretty substantially this year to cover several unexpected and large expenses (both medical and home related). So can we put food on the table, yes. Are we able to replenish our savings and get us back to a financially stable place, not really. Our HHI is about $160k so we do well, but aren’t super high income.

The extra tutoring money would allow us the flexibility to go on a small vacation this summer or put additional money away.

And do I resent my DH some that he sleeps in until whenever and lays out by the pool while I’m in the office 5 days a week, yes a bit. So I guess that makes me the AH. I also don’t like the pressure of having always been the breadwinner. If I lose my job we are in big trouble financially so I work incredibly hard to always be the high performer while he hangs out all summer at the pool or traveling while I work.

So I will own I’m the AH who should have married better (not the teacher) to avoid these feelings.

The bolded is also true for your husband; if you're dipping into emergency funds and having trouble replenishing them, you're in trouble no matter who loses their job. This isn't a "breadwinner" situation in my opinion. Our income is similar to yours with, probably, a similar gap between my and my spouse's income. I'm not the breadwinner, we both are. I think calling yourself the "breadwinner" is belittling to your husband's job, which is also crucial for your families' financial health.

And personally, I find it odd how many people are resentful about this stuff. His going to the pool doesn't change whether or not you have to go to work. Moreover, you're an adult and you're the boss of your feelings, not the other way around. You can stew in the negative feelings and poison yourself and your relationship or you can not do that. You get to decide.

Are you dim? If he’s at the pool during the day then he’s not earning any money. He’s not helping around the house. He’s not lightening OP’s load. He’s not contributing the the household and family in any way. That’s the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he is at home this summer, why do your kids need daycare? Have him take care of the kids, book dinner, be a SAHD. I am a middle school math teacher and never have I worked summers.

Pulling them out of daycare (which is discounted slightly for firm employees) would result in us losing our spot. The wait list is astronomical. So we could just not send them and pay for their spot, but that seems like a waste of $$$.

You husband is pretty worthless if you think your kids are better off spending time at a corporate daycare vs with him.

They’re paying for daycare whether they use it or not. OP isn’t being a jerk and insisting that because her husband is home he must take care of the kids even though they’re still writing checks to daycare. She just wants him to do SOMETHING.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a little surprised by the responses. Summer off is like the singular benefit of being a teacher! Between the stress, pay, extra workload, dealing with other peoples nasty kids, it's a rough job. Getting some time off over summer is literally the only upside!

I think with the extra info of having to dip into your savings is important. But I dont think its fair that people are talking about someone sitting on their a$$ all summer and not contributing. No one says that about SAHMs and dont necessarily expect them to pick up jobs when things get tight.

You can look at reducing expenses, and I like the idea of him spending some extra time with the kids instead of sending them to daycare for a few weeks. Can he take them to visit his mom? You deserve a break, but it's not healthy to begrudge your spouse for wanting to enjoy the only nice thing about their job.

SAHM's watch their kids. This guy is sending his to daycare during his summer off.

Technically OP is sending her kids to daycare and doesnt want to pull them out... So... ball in her court.

Oh stop, they can’t stop paying for daycare without messing up their childcare for the other 9 months of the year.

Do you really think her DH is going to say sure, I’ll watch the kids all day while you work despite the fact we have to keep paying for daycare? I really doubt a man who won’t pick up a few hours per week tutoring to help the family is going to voluntarily watch his young kids all day.

The ball is not in her court.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe your teacher wife can spend the summer tutoring you in the proper use of singular and plural pronouns when describing her. Your post is very hard to read. Really, there is just one of her.

I’m glad I’m not the only one who read the OP as the husband and it was his wife who was the teacher. I wonder if people’s reactions would have been different had they made that assumption. My guess is that’s why OP didn’t reveal the gender.

[Anonymous]

seems like typical school teacher behavior. familiar narrative about teachers doing sooo much and being sooo tired and spending all of their time off during the summers pouring their heart and soul into the children and stocking their classrooms with their own money! All nonsense of course, the majority are like this guy. What a catch!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe your teacher wife can spend the summer tutoring you in the proper use of singular and plural pronouns when describing her. Your post is very hard to read. Really, there is just one of her.

I’m glad I’m not the only one who read the OP as the husband and it was his wife who was the teacher. I wonder if people’s reactions would have been different had they made that assumption. My guess is that’s why OP didn’t reveal the gender.

DP but gender is irrelevant to how I view the situation.

I have female friends who are teachers and they are busy over the summer with their own school aged kids (most of them maybe do 1-2 weeks of camp b/c their kids want to go), but otherwise they are active in taking their kids to do fun stuff, and in down time they catch up on random home projects. I have a friend who has been waiting for summer to do a major home purge/declutter and some other projects.

If a woman teacher without any childcare responsibilities was lounging poolside and taking solo trips all summer while her working DH was taking on all the regular kid/house loads, I would think that person isn’t a very good family team player.