Vent: My son unintentionally shamed my brother, who then "told on me" to our parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this isn’t fake, the idea of a 7-year-old grilling his uncle about what he does all day seems really inorganic. Kids don’t sit around thinking about this shit.

Of course they don't. And invariably people are out of work for maternity leaves, FMLA, furlough, redundancy, etc. 7 year olds don't need to know another adult's business. Uncle should have shut the nosy brat down, if this even happened. Who cares if a kid is confused? He can go back to picking his nose or playing with Legos or whatever he was doing a few minutes prior.

If you don’t have kids why are you on this parenting board?

And don’t try to pretend you have kids, you clearly know nothing about kids.

I have 3 kids and know you’re trolling badly.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t entertain any of your brother’s or your parent’s nonsense. The three of them are in their own little delusional world about your brother. You don’t have to actively fight it if you don’t want to, but you don’t have to jump in the sandbox with them either.

Your kid was inquisitive, you shut it down. The end. Your brother choosing to feel shamed is on him.

[Anonymous]

Does the seven year old ask other kids moms why they don’t work? I find this so hard to believe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does everyone assume mental illness? He might just have a strong preference for leisure that his parents have enabled.

Well because most of us learn early on that (unless our families are independently wealthy) we will have to work to support ourselves. I have a strong preference for lounging on my boat but that doesn’t mean that I can just do only that, consequences be dammed. I have to work for a living, and when I have a few days off, I can lounge on my boat and do all the other things that make me happy.

Some people really do not like to work and would rather their elderly parents support them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does the seven year old ask other kids moms why they don’t work? I find this so hard to believe.

Most 7 yos know the difference between a married parent who stays home to take care of kids and a 42 man who lives with his parents who doesn’t work.

[Anonymous]

I am guessing this comes down to money. OP is annoyed that her brother is sucking up her parents’ money and will probably get the lion’s share of the inheritance. Well OP, for your own mental health, don’t expect anything from them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this isn’t fake, the idea of a 7-year-old grilling his uncle about what he does all day seems really inorganic. Kids don’t sit around thinking about this shit.

Of course they don't. And invariably people are out of work for maternity leaves, FMLA, furlough, redundancy, etc. 7 year olds don't need to know another adult's business. Uncle should have shut the nosy brat down, if this even happened. Who cares if a kid is confused? He can go back to picking his nose or playing with Legos or whatever he was doing a few minutes prior.

X100

Nobody looks good here, but most notably, you’re raising a bratty kid. Little pitchers have big ears, and your kid obviously knows your feelings. I’ll bet you and DH had a good laugh about how Larlo really stuck it to Uncle Sluggo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does the seven year old ask other kids moms why they don’t work? I find this so hard to believe.

Most 7 yos know the difference between a married parent who stays home to take care of kids and a 42 man who lives with his parents who doesn’t work.

This.

If a seven-year-old holds enough power over you to make you feel bad about yourself, that's a personal problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is how it really plays out. OP constantly criticizes and talks about her brother and child repeated it.

So this whole post feels fake. I say that as someone who has a nonproductive brother, enabling parents, and children. Jobs aren’t really on most seven years olds because no one is working when a 7 year old is chatting during evening and on the weekends. The idea that OP’s brother doesn’t engage with the kid has nothing to do with formal work and it’s not a logical connection for a 7 year old. It also strikes me as fake that the brother was “shamed” and then complained to his parents. In my experience, people who feel shame, don’t usually hit the issue head on. But to the extent any of this happened (unlikely), then it is because OP is disparaging her brother in her kids’ presence. Just out of decency, she should stop doing that.

Maybe OP disparaged him bc she was venting, but maybe she also wants to discourage uselessness in her kids. The brother’s behavior isn’t normal and shouldn’t be normalized. What if the kids learn from him that it’s ok to lounge around all day and live off your parents?

[Anonymous]

I agree that children have the right to ask questions and OP seems to have cut the child off.

I would caution you OP that you may not have the full story about your brother and it IS possible he is battling something like chronic fatigue or mental illness that you aren’t privy to. And sometimes treatment for that is impacted if you work, in terms of govt benefits. Yes it’s possible he was raised poorly, is lazy etc but you yourself said you pulled away from the relationship back in his college days. That was a long time ago and long enough for medical information to have popped up to explain some things (and for you not to have been kept in the loop).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I empathize deeply. I have a brother like this (coddles, enabled, lives at home, never worked) though like another PP, he has developed some mental illnesses and I limit contact. My kids know he's a terrible example. They are too young to understand how my parents enabled him.

The truth spills out sometimes. Your parents don't want to face it. Mine freak out whenever it comes out from other people (a young relative who told him: "you aren't a grown up, you are just a big kid"). All of them are in denial and hearing the truth hurts.

None of this is your fault. It kind of feels like gaslighting,when you can see reality and your family or origin denies it. Don't feel guilty.

The other pps responding who don't have this situation don't get it.

And the people with diagnosed mental illness or with mentally ill family members get it too. We need to fund more research and can't do this if every stupid elderly parent hides his middle-aged non-functional adult child behind closed doors.

How are OP’s parents “hiding” their son?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, what is your brother's issue? Because, apart from the problem posted here, I'm just really curious as to why he is at your parent's house and never works. Does he have a dx of some sort? Why are your parents allowing this?
I see also your frustration, but there's a lot of comparing here- what you did/ what he never did. I would stop that, but I understand your frustration with your parents enabling.

OP isn’t that close to her brother, so why would she be entitled to this information?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t entertain any of your brother’s or your parent’s nonsense. The three of them are in their own little delusional world about your brother. You don’t have to actively fight it if you don’t want to, but you don’t have to jump in the sandbox with them either.

Your kid was inquisitive, you shut it down. The end. Your brother choosing to feel shamed is on him.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If a 42 year old man can’t call his sister to complain about what her kid said, that’s on him. Putting his parents up to making the call is not okay.

OP, I would have responded to you parents with this: “If Bob was offended by what Larlo or anyone in this family said, he’s welcome to call me to discuss it. This is not your business, and I’m not discussing it with you anymore.”

It’s possible he complained to his parents but never asked them to try to force an apology. Parents could have done this even without brother realizing they were running interference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey bro, I'm sorry my kid has no filter. He shouldn't have said what he said and we're working on manners. See you at 4 for Easter!

I would only do this if the brother asked for an apology directly, and with wording that acknowledges a kid shouldn’t be shamed for asking basic questions. Asking is one thing, prodding or not dropping a sensitive subject is another.