Heartburn from being full pay

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are full pay. DS accepted with amazing merit to several schools. He chose to go to a top-rated SLAC sans merit. BEST choice ever. He is having an amazing experience and absolutely loves it. Unlike many of his high school friends, he has access to virtually unlimited resources (courses, professors, career services, clubs, internship stipends, housing etc.). Once you see your child thriving, you will not second guess this decision.

On to the matter of class divide: DS is best friends with a QuestBridge Scholar. Although many of his friends are wealthy, not all are. There is absolutely no division, stigma or animosity from either side. I'm calling BS on that.

the fact that the MOTHER of the friend of the Questbridge kid knows he's a Questbridge is gross. This is very "I'm not a racist! my son's best man is Black!" vibes

Please stop using the word “gross” completely out of context. Stepping in a pile of dogs**t is gross. Knowing your kid’s friend is Questbridge is inappropriate, but it’s not gross.

I assume you are the same poster who thinks literally everything with which you disagree is “gross”.

How is it inappropriate? School districts put out press releases to announce kids who are Questbridge scholars. Colleges publicize it too. It's a huge accomplishment.

It is disgusting that you know your kid’s friend has Questbridge. It is not an “accomplishment.” It is a bridge out of poverty and comes with a heap of trauma and shame. It’s GROSS that you think it doesn’t affect the kids’ relationships and that you publish it, even anonymously. HUGE “my friends are Black” vibes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even if you had aid elsewhere, it likely wouldn’t be 100%. So, your really complaining about the difference between full pay and a moderate discount. Let’s say the discount for some is $25k a year, or $100k over four years. If you can afford to pay full freight, are you really going to derail your kids choice and education for 100k? The difference isn’t going to make a big difference in your life, like early retirement. So, pay it and get happy. You and your kid will better enjoy their experience.

However, if you will need to take parent loans to fund that $25K/year or significantly change your retirement savings/lifestyle, then IMO, no it might not be worth it. But it really depends upon the school, how "difficult or easy" it will be for you to pay, and your kid's major.

for ex: is a #60 school worth paying $25K/year more than one ranked 80th? Probably not, IMO. but it depends upon your kid's major, why they really like the 60 school, etc

Is a #30 school vs a #100 school worth it? More likely to think that is, but once again, if you have to take loans for that then no it's not

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She ED'd because we can pay. Just feeling some buyers remorse.

You can afford it. What’s the problem? Imagine if your kid got in somewhere you couldn’t afford.

Exactly. Very little sympathy from me

Wow. Why so mean?

Because when I got into a great school, my parents COULDNT pay and I couldn’t go. You can pay. Yours can go. Count your freaking blessings. Your post is extremely off-putting.

I'm sorry. No doubt that felt awful. Because it was. It sounds like you did everything "right," and got in to a great school, yet it wasn't actually enough for you to go there because of something that was completely out of your hands. It sucked then and clearly still hurts.

But two things can be true at the same time. OP can be grateful and counting their blessings about the fact that they can pay. AND at the same time, they can be second-guessing their decision and feeling ambivalent about their family's choice.

It doesn't matter how much money someone has. Money has value to everyone, and OP is not alone in wondering if full pay to private college (or OOS state college) is worth the huge amount of extra money required.

In other words, it feels awful to think you might have made a major financial mistake, even if you can technically afford it. I think that's a universal feeling - something everyone can relate to no matter how much or how little money they have. Having enough money to pay full price for a private college is a massive blessing! But it does not mean someone is immune from buyer's regret or the thought that they acted naively or irresponsibly.

Agree, this is a very thoughtful response.

No, it’s a very condescending and patronizing response. Stop sock puppeting it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She ED'd because we can pay. Just feeling some buyers remorse.

You can afford it. What’s the problem? Imagine if your kid got in somewhere you couldn’t afford.

Exactly. Very little sympathy from me

Wow. Why so mean?

Because when I got into a great school, my parents COULDNT pay and I couldn’t go. You can pay. Yours can go. Count your freaking blessings. Your post is extremely off-putting.

Stop. You COULD have gone with loans but chose not to. Which was probably a good idea! But don't begrudge OP.

A student can only take ~$5.5K/year (total of 27K over 4 years) for undergrad loans. They CANNOT get more loans without a parent co-signing. My parents couldn't afford to take out loans. They told us "we are paying $X per year for you and your siblings for college. That is all we can afford the rest is on you to figure out". So we chose schools that we got merit/FA at that brought it into what we could afford with the max of student loans. And we worked our asses off in summer, all breaks and PT during the school year to have enough to pay all the bills for college. If we didn't we were not going back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She ED'd because we can pay. Just feeling some buyers remorse.

At least there’s a chance she will do better at the expensive school & will get a better outcome due to that. People spend similar $ on things that don’t have that sort of upside.

I don't see how you can know this without knowing the school.

You cannot know it specifically. But in general (have 3 kids, all ended up at privates), the private schools provide many more services than the public schools do. Our state schools have kids who take more than 4 years simply because they cannot get into the classes they need. Never hear of kids not getting what they needed, the semester or quarter they needed it, at all of my kid's private schools. Most of my kid's classes were 100 or less, many under 50 even freshman year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She ED'd because we can pay. Just feeling some buyers remorse.

You can afford it. What’s the problem? Imagine if your kid got in somewhere you couldn’t afford.

Exactly. Very little sympathy from me

Wow. Why so mean?

Because when I got into a great school, my parents COULDNT pay and I couldn’t go. You can pay. Yours can go. Count your freaking blessings. Your post is extremely off-putting.

Stop. You COULD have gone with loans but chose not to. Which was probably a good idea! But don't begrudge OP.

A student can only take ~$5.5K/year (total of 27K over 4 years) for undergrad loans. They CANNOT get more loans without a parent co-signing. My parents couldn't afford to take out loans. They told us "we are paying $X per year for you and your siblings for college. That is all we can afford the rest is on you to figure out". So we chose schools that we got merit/FA at that brought it into what we could afford with the max of student loans. And we worked our asses off in summer, all breaks and PT during the school year to have enough to pay all the bills for college. If we didn't we were not going back.

THIS. RIGHT. HERE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, kinda feeling the same. Wish my kid would have ED’d to in-state UVA instead of a higher ranked private. He got in, but no aid. Now, we’re footing the difference for four years. It will be fine, but we could have a lot of fun with the extra $50k/year.

We didn’t have my kid ED anywhere for more time. He ended up getting EA to UVA and now all of us are contemplating the savings for undergrad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She ED'd because we can pay. Just feeling some buyers remorse.

You can afford it. What’s the problem? Imagine if your kid got in somewhere you couldn’t afford.

Exactly. Very little sympathy from me

Wow. Why so mean?

Because when I got into a great school, my parents COULDNT pay and I couldn’t go. You can pay. Yours can go. Count your freaking blessings. Your post is extremely off-putting.

Stop. You COULD have gone with loans but chose not to. Which was probably a good idea! But don't begrudge OP.

A student can only take ~$5.5K/year (total of 27K over 4 years) for undergrad loans. They CANNOT get more loans without a parent co-signing. My parents couldn't afford to take out loans. They told us "we are paying $X per year for you and your siblings for college. That is all we can afford the rest is on you to figure out". So we chose schools that we got merit/FA at that brought it into what we could afford with the max of student loans. And we worked our asses off in summer, all breaks and PT during the school year to have enough to pay all the bills for college. If we didn't we were not going back.

Same. But as a kid you’d only in-state public and not even applying anywhere else, working butt off- I wanted to let my high stats kid have opportunities I did not have. I’ll pay for certain Ivies. Our state schools though (he’s in) are too good to justify other privates though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She ED'd because we can pay. Just feeling some buyers remorse.

This is why the list of schools we are willing to pay full price for is very short. The vast majority of schools aren’t worth the sticker price to us. Definitely none of the ones in your OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She ED'd because we can pay. Just feeling some buyers remorse.

This is why the list of schools we are willing to pay full price for is very short. The vast majority of schools aren’t worth the sticker price to us. Definitely none of the ones in your OP.

All personal preference and financially driven. For our family, the price was not a deciding factor or even much of a consideration. We saved and had plenty for college and can easily pay out of pocket even if we didn’t. I completely understand finances are different for everyone but there are many families that have no issue with full pay and happily pay for the benefits a private school might have over a public.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She ED'd because we can pay. Just feeling some buyers remorse.

You can afford it. What’s the problem? Imagine if your kid got in somewhere you couldn’t afford.

Exactly. Very little sympathy from me

Wow. Why so mean?

Because when I got into a great school, my parents COULDNT pay and I couldn’t go. You can pay. Yours can go. Count your freaking blessings. Your post is extremely off-putting.

I'm sorry. No doubt that felt awful. Because it was. It sounds like you did everything "right," and got in to a great school, yet it wasn't actually enough for you to go there because of something that was completely out of your hands. It sucked then and clearly still hurts.

But two things can be true at the same time. OP can be grateful and counting their blessings about the fact that they can pay. AND at the same time, they can be second-guessing their decision and feeling ambivalent about their family's choice.

It doesn't matter how much money someone has. Money has value to everyone, and OP is not alone in wondering if full pay to private college (or OOS state college) is worth the huge amount of extra money required.

In other words, it feels awful to think you might have made a major financial mistake, even if you can technically afford it. I think that's a universal feeling - something everyone can relate to no matter how much or how little money they have. Having enough money to pay full price for a private college is a massive blessing! But it does not mean someone is immune from buyer's regret or the thought that they acted naively or irresponsibly.

Agree, this is a very thoughtful response.

No, it’s a very condescending and patronizing response. Stop sock puppeting it

I wrote it, but didn’t “sock puppet” the agree response. And I’m sorry if it came across as condescending and patronizing. That wasn’t my intention at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She ED'd because we can pay. Just feeling some buyers remorse.

You can afford it. What’s the problem? Imagine if your kid got in somewhere you couldn’t afford.

Exactly. Very little sympathy from me

Wow. Why so mean?

Because when I got into a great school, my parents COULDNT pay and I couldn’t go. You can pay. Yours can go. Count your freaking blessings. Your post is extremely off-putting.

Stop. You COULD have gone with loans but chose not to. Which was probably a good idea! But don't begrudge OP.

I wasn’t offered loans but nice try. I don’t begrudge OP. I just don’t have any sympathy for her which is exactly what I said. She should stfu and pay her kid’s way because she can.

Why do posters almost always assume OP is a woman/mom? Someone already called out “mom” on an earlier thread—many times I can’t tell if it’s a mom or dad so I find the presumption a bit jarring tbh. Esp when language like “[s]he should stfu” is throwing the mix.

[Anonymous]

*thrown in

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the commiserating comments. I would never say any of this to anyone IRL so it is helpful to have DCUM to bounce thoughts off of. I realize how fortunate we are (through hard work along the way of our own), but the PP is right who said we still have to wonder whether we are making the right financial decision. Esp. because DD is not currently into finance, law, engineering etc. so the fancy degree may or may not pay off in the long run. In the end, yes, I would sacrifice some vacations to let DD go where she really wants even if we will never know whether the investment pays off, if that is even the goal.

I may be the PP you're referring to, and for what it's worth, I think you should lean in and choose to feel great about the decision you all made!

I'm just one person, but I'm the first in my family to go away to an expensive private college. (My parents were both the first in their families to go to college at all, but they did it by living at home with their highly dysfunctional families while working their way through city college at night.)

But from the start, my parents truly believed in the value of "elite" college experience. They started saving for college before my siblings and I were born, and they chose to work their butts off and live below their means at every stage to save enough money to offer us full tuition to whatever college we chose. They did so well on this front that we received no financial aid at all - it was full pay all the way.

My siblings and I knew at the time what an incredible gift that was. And as adults, we now understand even more what they gave up to provide it (both time, in terms of their work, and all the other things they could have done with that money!) But we also knew then and know now that it was also an expression of their particular values and their way of demonstrating their love and belief in us.

Other parents joked with ours about how they could have sent us to our state college AND gotten us each a car for so much less money than the schools we chose. But my parents always said our insane tuition was "the best money [they] ever spent.

That statement (which we've heard multiple times) and their approach to paying for college helped us to feel good about our choice (not guilty) and to value our college experiences from start to finish. We went on to become (and remain) financially self-sufficient from the day we graduated college, even when it meant living more humbly than some of our friends (and our parents' standard of living in the beginning.) We were ok skipping some of the luxuries/experiences around us because it meant we were standing on our own two feet (albeit with the HUGE head start our parents gave us with college.) And these days, we are all financially secure, well beyond what our parents ever imagined back in night school 50+ years ago.

Anyway, I'm just one person and we're just one family. In no way am I saying that payiing full price to your DD's dream school is the only good choice you could make here. Others might have chosen a different route, with great outcomes, too. But the one your family chose will bring it's own upside. Drop the doubts and trust your judgment. Over the next four years, help your DD learn what she needs to in order to be financially self-sufficient when she graduates, even if it means making some compromises along the way. (Entry level jobs and lower-paying career choices mean a lower cost of living. It is what it is, even in the age of Instragram.)

And above all else, keep showering your DD with support and cheer her success as she moves forward with the school she chose. Keep on appreciating the fact that you can afford this path. Yes, it required hard work, but so many families work equally hard and still can't afford it. And trust that this will pay off for your DD and others in ways you can't even imagine at this stage. There are so many ways to raise a happy and successful adult. Congratulations on the path you all chose!

The economics of yesteryear and current day are vast. Your parents could have done public plus a car. These days you can do public plus a quarter of a million dollar down payment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She ED'd because we can pay. Just feeling some buyers remorse.

This is why the list of schools we are willing to pay full price for is very short. The vast majority of schools aren’t worth the sticker price to us. Definitely none of the ones in your OP.

All personal preference and financially driven. For our family, the price was not a deciding factor or even much of a consideration. We saved and had plenty for college and can easily pay out of pocket even if we didn’t. I completely understand finances are different for everyone but there are many families that have no issue with full pay and happily pay for the benefits a private school might have over a public.

Obviously. Hence the bolded language above. We can afford full pay but don’t think most schools are worth it.