If there is a SAH spouse, are finances truly equal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there are various issues at play.

-the dynamics of not having your own income
-what you believe is a reasonable cost for a car
-asking your spouse to support in-laws financially

I stay at home and my spouse earns about $800k. He's spendier by nature than I am so there's that. I noticed you said your husband "lets" you do this or that. You also said that *he* got you your $110k car. Did you not pick out your own car? Change the way you tell yourself these stories. Part of being an equal in the partnership is believing it yourself. He doesn't let you spend money; you decide together that it's OK to spend money. He doesn't buy you a car (unless he bought it without your input); you decide together what your budget is, and then you pick out your own car.

My husband has a $70k car. Cars aren't my thing. I have a $32k car. Obviously my husband would support me getting a $70k car if I wanted one, but I don't. So I spend that money on Disney World instead.

As for supporting your parents, I think the disconnect here is that your husband is such a car snob that it seems like he wants your parents to drive trash because he thinks a $25k car is trash. So it doesn't paint your husband in the best light. But objectively speaking, you can get a perfectly serviceable and functional car for $25k. You should figure out if you are also a car snob, or if you are upset by the implied disrespect to your parents.

That said, you should never take it for granted that your spouse will approve giving away your money to relatives. Approach those conversations carefully and with respect. And keep in mind that he didn't say no to a car . . . he just suggested a budget lower than you apparently desire. That might indicate that he is tiring of these expenses. It may not be about the appropriate price for a car so much as it's about the never-ending asks.

One thing that has helped our dynamics is to give both of us the same amount of fun money. Because I would be so cautious and debate whether to spend $200 on a few items of clothing for myself, and then my husband would buy himself multiple pairs of $200 jeans. This way, if I want something that I feel is extravagant, the money is already there. Or I can save it up and donate it or spend it on a trip or whatever. It emboldens me to treat myself, which is a good thing considering that it's never fun to deny yourself and then look over at your spouse merrily spending without a second thought.

You have painted your husband as being rather ungenerous but the fact is that he approves of spending all this money on your inlaws. That may just not be a bottomless check. He may not view it as being stingy with friends; maybe he just doesn't want people to expect him to pay. Or maybe he thinks it's respectful to treat the other person like an equal who can pay their share of the bill, even if they don't earn millions of dollars a year. My gazillionaire uncle doesn't pay for everyone all the time; he doesn't want to create lazy dependents (I'm not saying that elderly people like your parents are lazy at all . . . this is in reference to his grandchildren).

So stop telling yourself that your husband controls the purse strings and lets you do things. If you want a fancy a$$ car, then own it; don't act like your husband twisted your arm. If you DON'T want a fancy a$$ car, then say so. But I still don't understand what is wrong with getting your parents a $30k car. It sounds like you are mad on principle . . . mad that he is a car snob but doesn't extend that to cars he gifts to struggling relatives. But I think it's like if you flew them to Europe with you, but you bought them coach tickets (assuming they weren't frail and uncomfortable in the seats). Yes, for you, flying in coach is unthinkable. But it's what the vast majority of people do. And even coach tickets cost a lot these days. Or let's say you're flying your teens with you. You want the lie flat seats, but do teenagers need them? You are still being generous even if you gift someone something that's not as luxurious as what you would get yourself. It's still a gift, where none was required.

DH put his name down for a Tesla before/during the pandemic. The wait list for the Tesla was so long that he got another car during the wait time. When the delivery time came, he asked if I wanted it. I didn’t really care. My car was getting kind of old. It is 6 years old. He basically got the Tesla for our family and I am driving it. I don’t really care about cars.

We just spent 40k on spring break. We can very easily buy this car for my parents. DH is expecting a very large influx of money next month and this is before his new bump in compensation. We also have other investments that should have a multi million dollar return. I guess we do talk about money. We just don’t talk about spending it. I usually just do whatever I want as long as it is for the kids and me and not others.

[Anonymous]

I wrote the long-winded response a couple above this one, and I'll just say that you can't sweat the small stuff in marriage if you want to stay both married and sane. Your husband's preferences to keep an old car because of trade in value or whatnot, those are small things that I would just accept. Being nitpicky about someone's logic or preferences just makes them feel attacked and it turns into a vicious cycle of resentment and recrimination.

If you really want to spend more than $30k on your parents' car, then suggest cutting back on something else you spend money on. It will be a good faith effort to respect your husband's wishes but still find a way to get your parents a more expensive car. It may move him to bump up the budget a bit, but if not, then make good on your promise to get back to work or cut back your spa treatments or whatever.

[Anonymous]

So maybe you sell the Tesla and get yourself a $70k car. Then spend the savings on your parents. But I'd investigate $30k cars first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are various issues at play.

-the dynamics of not having your own income
-what you believe is a reasonable cost for a car
-asking your spouse to support in-laws financially

I stay at home and my spouse earns about $800k. He's spendier by nature than I am so there's that. I noticed you said your husband "lets" you do this or that. You also said that *he* got you your $110k car. Did you not pick out your own car? Change the way you tell yourself these stories. Part of being an equal in the partnership is believing it yourself. He doesn't let you spend money; you decide together that it's OK to spend money. He doesn't buy you a car (unless he bought it without your input); you decide together what your budget is, and then you pick out your own car.

My husband has a $70k car. Cars aren't my thing. I have a $32k car. Obviously my husband would support me getting a $70k car if I wanted one, but I don't. So I spend that money on Disney World instead.

As for supporting your parents, I think the disconnect here is that your husband is such a car snob that it seems like he wants your parents to drive trash because he thinks a $25k car is trash. So it doesn't paint your husband in the best light. But objectively speaking, you can get a perfectly serviceable and functional car for $25k. You should figure out if you are also a car snob, or if you are upset by the implied disrespect to your parents.

That said, you should never take it for granted that your spouse will approve giving away your money to relatives. Approach those conversations carefully and with respect. And keep in mind that he didn't say no to a car . . . he just suggested a budget lower than you apparently desire. That might indicate that he is tiring of these expenses. It may not be about the appropriate price for a car so much as it's about the never-ending asks.

One thing that has helped our dynamics is to give both of us the same amount of fun money. Because I would be so cautious and debate whether to spend $200 on a few items of clothing for myself, and then my husband would buy himself multiple pairs of $200 jeans. This way, if I want something that I feel is extravagant, the money is already there. Or I can save it up and donate it or spend it on a trip or whatever. It emboldens me to treat myself, which is a good thing considering that it's never fun to deny yourself and then look over at your spouse merrily spending without a second thought.

You have painted your husband as being rather ungenerous but the fact is that he approves of spending all this money on your inlaws. That may just not be a bottomless check. He may not view it as being stingy with friends; maybe he just doesn't want people to expect him to pay. Or maybe he thinks it's respectful to treat the other person like an equal who can pay their share of the bill, even if they don't earn millions of dollars a year. My gazillionaire uncle doesn't pay for everyone all the time; he doesn't want to create lazy dependents (I'm not saying that elderly people like your parents are lazy at all . . . this is in reference to his grandchildren).

So stop telling yourself that your husband controls the purse strings and lets you do things. If you want a fancy a$$ car, then own it; don't act like your husband twisted your arm. If you DON'T want a fancy a$$ car, then say so. But I still don't understand what is wrong with getting your parents a $30k car. It sounds like you are mad on principle . . . mad that he is a car snob but doesn't extend that to cars he gifts to struggling relatives. But I think it's like if you flew them to Europe with you, but you bought them coach tickets (assuming they weren't frail and uncomfortable in the seats). Yes, for you, flying in coach is unthinkable. But it's what the vast majority of people do. And even coach tickets cost a lot these days. Or let's say you're flying your teens with you. You want the lie flat seats, but do teenagers need them? You are still being generous even if you gift someone something that's not as luxurious as what you would get yourself. It's still a gift, where none was required.

DH put his name down for a Tesla before/during the pandemic. The wait list for the Tesla was so long that he got another car during the wait time. When the delivery time came, he asked if I wanted it. I didn’t really care. My car was getting kind of old. It is 6 years old. He basically got the Tesla for our family and I am driving it. I don’t really care about cars.

We just spent 40k on spring break. We can very easily buy this car for my parents. DH is expecting a very large influx of money next month and this is before his new bump in compensation. We also have other investments that should have a multi million dollar return. I guess we do talk about money. We just don’t talk about spending it. I usually just do whatever I want as long as it is for the kids and me and not others.

It sounds like your high income has allowed you to avoid talking about an issue where you actually don't agree and you're both uncomfortable. It seems like it's not really about the money for your DH exactly, it's more about the relationship with your parents. He might feel, for example, that it's a fancy car now but soon it'll be another fancy car and then live-in help or a fancy house or a fancy assisted living or supporting other relatives of yours, or whatever. He might feel that it will mess up his relationship with your dad-- men can have certain feelings about that He just doesn't have the same cultural norms that you do, and he's not comfortable with it. It's not about the money for him. It's about whether you're funding ILs' luxuries, or only their necessities. Because if you start in on luxuries there's no end to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Complain to your husband, not us, lol.

I know he will probably let me get my parents the car I want.

I am just wondering about others in the same situation where one spouse stays home and one is the sole earner.

OP, you have a good situation. My husband makes high 6 figures, close to 7, but not quite. This has been the case for our 20 year marriage. I'm on the house and nothing else. I have a credit card with his name on it. I've negotiated cash settlements by threatening to go back to work a few times. Yes, my husband basically lets me buy whatever I want within reason and within reason is not a 110k vehicle. He doesn't like luxury anything (maybe it was upbringing, have no idea), but you'd never know how much he makes from looking at him or what he drives or even where we live. Your husband may just think it's silly to spend money on a really nice car for your elderly parents at this point in their lives. Why not look at that as a sign of fiscal prudence. These high salaries can go away at anytime. I think you've got a really good deal compared to mine. Your husband seems to think of it as "our money" particularly since you say he would cave if you pressed the issue. I think it's normal and healthy to have a conversation and compromising on purchases. My DH would never help out my parents like this, or at least I don't think he would. I'm ok with my situation just because I'm a spender and DH is a saver, so it's probably better this way, although risky for me; I get that. It sounds like you have a great husband, but he spends a lot. I know a lot of people that make in the 2 million range and it's still not enough for them, so I don't think 3 mil is "enough" either, at least the way you both spend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are various issues at play.

-the dynamics of not having your own income
-what you believe is a reasonable cost for a car
-asking your spouse to support in-laws financially

I stay at home and my spouse earns about $800k. He's spendier by nature than I am so there's that. I noticed you said your husband "lets" you do this or that. You also said that *he* got you your $110k car. Did you not pick out your own car? Change the way you tell yourself these stories. Part of being an equal in the partnership is believing it yourself. He doesn't let you spend money; you decide together that it's OK to spend money. He doesn't buy you a car (unless he bought it without your input); you decide together what your budget is, and then you pick out your own car.

My husband has a $70k car. Cars aren't my thing. I have a $32k car. Obviously my husband would support me getting a $70k car if I wanted one, but I don't. So I spend that money on Disney World instead.

As for supporting your parents, I think the disconnect here is that your husband is such a car snob that it seems like he wants your parents to drive trash because he thinks a $25k car is trash. So it doesn't paint your husband in the best light. But objectively speaking, you can get a perfectly serviceable and functional car for $25k. You should figure out if you are also a car snob, or if you are upset by the implied disrespect to your parents.

That said, you should never take it for granted that your spouse will approve giving away your money to relatives. Approach those conversations carefully and with respect. And keep in mind that he didn't say no to a car . . . he just suggested a budget lower than you apparently desire. That might indicate that he is tiring of these expenses. It may not be about the appropriate price for a car so much as it's about the never-ending asks.

One thing that has helped our dynamics is to give both of us the same amount of fun money. Because I would be so cautious and debate whether to spend $200 on a few items of clothing for myself, and then my husband would buy himself multiple pairs of $200 jeans. This way, if I want something that I feel is extravagant, the money is already there. Or I can save it up and donate it or spend it on a trip or whatever. It emboldens me to treat myself, which is a good thing considering that it's never fun to deny yourself and then look over at your spouse merrily spending without a second thought.

You have painted your husband as being rather ungenerous but the fact is that he approves of spending all this money on your inlaws. That may just not be a bottomless check. He may not view it as being stingy with friends; maybe he just doesn't want people to expect him to pay. Or maybe he thinks it's respectful to treat the other person like an equal who can pay their share of the bill, even if they don't earn millions of dollars a year. My gazillionaire uncle doesn't pay for everyone all the time; he doesn't want to create lazy dependents (I'm not saying that elderly people like your parents are lazy at all . . . this is in reference to his grandchildren).

So stop telling yourself that your husband controls the purse strings and lets you do things. If you want a fancy a$$ car, then own it; don't act like your husband twisted your arm. If you DON'T want a fancy a$$ car, then say so. But I still don't understand what is wrong with getting your parents a $30k car. It sounds like you are mad on principle . . . mad that he is a car snob but doesn't extend that to cars he gifts to struggling relatives. But I think it's like if you flew them to Europe with you, but you bought them coach tickets (assuming they weren't frail and uncomfortable in the seats). Yes, for you, flying in coach is unthinkable. But it's what the vast majority of people do. And even coach tickets cost a lot these days. Or let's say you're flying your teens with you. You want the lie flat seats, but do teenagers need them? You are still being generous even if you gift someone something that's not as luxurious as what you would get yourself. It's still a gift, where none was required.

DH put his name down for a Tesla before/during the pandemic. The wait list for the Tesla was so long that he got another car during the wait time. When the delivery time came, he asked if I wanted it. I didn’t really care. My car was getting kind of old. It is 6 years old. He basically got the Tesla for our family and I am driving it. I don’t really care about cars.

We just spent 40k on spring break. We can very easily buy this car for my parents. DH is expecting a very large influx of money next month and this is before his new bump in compensation. We also have other investments that should have a multi million dollar return. I guess we do talk about money. We just don’t talk about spending it. I usually just do whatever I want as long as it is for the kids and me and not others.

It sounds like your high income has allowed you to avoid talking about an issue where you actually don't agree and you're both uncomfortable. It seems like it's not really about the money for your DH exactly, it's more about the relationship with your parents. He might feel, for example, that it's a fancy car now but soon it'll be another fancy car and then live-in help or a fancy house or a fancy assisted living or supporting other relatives of yours, or whatever. He might feel that it will mess up his relationship with your dad-- men can have certain feelings about that He just doesn't have the same cultural norms that you do, and he's not comfortable with it. It's not about the money for him. It's about whether you're funding ILs' luxuries, or only their necessities. Because if you start in on luxuries there's no end to it.

My dad doesn’t have long to live. This has absolutely nothing to do with my dad. This car will be for my mom to take my dad to doctor appointments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So maybe you sell the Tesla and get yourself a $70k car. Then spend the savings on your parents. But I'd investigate $30k cars first.

This may not be a bad idea. I can say I will just drive my perfectly fine old car, sell the Tesla and get my parents a new car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG. Stop it. He sounds like a great guy. He brings in 7 figures and you can basically do what you want. Just stop being such an effing princess. It's not unreasonable to think your parents would be just fine in a new $30k vehicle.

IMO that's a super sexist response (I'm not OP). They're a family. She holds down the fort at home, presumably, and cares for the kids, and maybe the parents are highly involved too. Why shouldn't she be able to advocate for a $60k vehicle? Would you feel differently if DH wanted to buy HIS parents a similar car, since he's the one bringing home $3 mil?

Not at all. And not meant to be sexist, either. It's not about whether he has control of all the money. It's really about the fact that she truly believes that her parents, who are being fully supported by her family, need a more expensive vehicle. They don't. Her husband is not being a jerk over the money. He is questioning why her parents can't get by on a typical car that 80% of Americans drive.

Should also add that I am also a SAHM. We discuss all expenditures for our family, before making decisions. We tend to go with the most reasonable decision (sure, we could afford $1000/night lodging on vacation but why would we pay that when $500/night would do the trick?). I would also feel a man was acting in a spoiled manner if it was the female partner making the 7 figures and asking why his parents couldn't drive a gifted $30k car.

OP here. I think the part that upsets me or hurts my feelings is that DH is a car guy and values cars. If he/we didn’t care about cars, it would not matter as much and I would understand. Even when we earned way less, having a nice car was his priority. He wants to get my parents the absolute lowest car, the type of car he will decline if we were getting a rental car on vacation. He is a total car snob so for him to want to get my parents a cheap car, it feels like a slap in the face to me.

OMG--unless he would want to buy his own parents a $100K car, he is totally right to want to only spend $30K for your parents. That is a nicer car than 80% of Americans drive. More expensive vehicle than anyone on my side of my family has EVER owned! That's a well equipped Honda Accord or CRV, that's a really nice car. Just because he and you drive $100-200K vehicles does not mean you need to supply your parents with one.
Now if he wanted to pay that for his own parents, then you have an issue, as yes, in a marriage all money should be everyones. You should decide how to spend money, and just because one person earns it does not entitle them to make the decisions. But it sounds like he spends little on his own family, so you should be appreciative he's willing to spend what he does on your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Complain to your husband, not us, lol.

I know he will probably let me get my parents the car I want.

I am just wondering about others in the same situation where one spouse stays home and one is the sole earner.

OP, you have a good situation. My husband makes high 6 figures, close to 7, but not quite. This has been the case for our 20 year marriage. I'm on the house and nothing else. I have a credit card with his name on it. I've negotiated cash settlements by threatening to go back to work a few times. Yes, my husband basically lets me buy whatever I want within reason and within reason is not a 110k vehicle. He doesn't like luxury anything (maybe it was upbringing, have no idea), but you'd never know how much he makes from looking at him or what he drives or even where we live. Your husband may just think it's silly to spend money on a really nice car for your elderly parents at this point in their lives. Why not look at that as a sign of fiscal prudence. These high salaries can go away at anytime. I think you've got a really good deal compared to mine. Your husband seems to think of it as "our money" particularly since you say he would cave if you pressed the issue. I think it's normal and healthy to have a conversation and compromising on purchases. My DH would never help out my parents like this, or at least I don't think he would. I'm ok with my situation just because I'm a spender and DH is a saver, so it's probably better this way, although risky for me; I get that. It sounds like you have a great husband, but he spends a lot. I know a lot of people that make in the 2 million range and it's still not enough for them, so I don't think 3 mil is "enough" either, at least the way you both spend.

DH is a big saver. So am I. We are actually not as big spenders as we sound relative to our peers, neighbors and colleagues. Our kids’ college funds and our retirements are fully funded. I have my own brokerage accounts that DH funds for me. I guess I could always cash some out and buy a car for my parents.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, you seem like a selfish spoiled brat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Complain to your husband, not us, lol.

I know he will probably let me get my parents the car I want.

I am just wondering about others in the same situation where one spouse stays home and one is the sole earner.

OP, you have a good situation. My husband makes high 6 figures, close to 7, but not quite. This has been the case for our 20 year marriage. I'm on the house and nothing else. I have a credit card with his name on it. I've negotiated cash settlements by threatening to go back to work a few times. Yes, my husband basically lets me buy whatever I want within reason and within reason is not a 110k vehicle. He doesn't like luxury anything (maybe it was upbringing, have no idea), but you'd never know how much he makes from looking at him or what he drives or even where we live. Your husband may just think it's silly to spend money on a really nice car for your elderly parents at this point in their lives. Why not look at that as a sign of fiscal prudence. These high salaries can go away at anytime. I think you've got a really good deal compared to mine. Your husband seems to think of it as "our money" particularly since you say he would cave if you pressed the issue. I think it's normal and healthy to have a conversation and compromising on purchases. My DH would never help out my parents like this, or at least I don't think he would. I'm ok with my situation just because I'm a spender and DH is a saver, so it's probably better this way, although risky for me; I get that. It sounds like you have a great husband, but he spends a lot. I know a lot of people that make in the 2 million range and it's still not enough for them, so I don't think 3 mil is "enough" either, at least the way you both spend.

DH is a big saver. So am I. We are actually not as big spenders as we sound relative to our peers, neighbors and colleagues. Our kids’ college funds and our retirements are fully funded. I have my own brokerage accounts that DH funds for me. I guess I could always cash some out and buy a car for my parents.

Just remember that keeping up with the Joneses is a never-ending trap. Remember who you were 10 or 20 years ago. How would that person feel about your income? Remain grounded and grateful.

Yeah, if you have your account (I still notice you worded it as "DH funds for me" . . . no, which you both fund out of your household income) then use that. I think you should feel emboldened to spend more out of your own pocket if DH won't agree to it from the joint pot. Don't let it turn into something that it doesn't has to. It's fine that he "only" wants to spend $30k buying a vehicle for your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG, if he brings in $3M a year, then yes he gets special treatment when it comes to finances!

If he brings in $300K and you're a SAHM, you can arguably say that your sacrifices enabled him to go from $150K to $300K and that if you had a SAH spouse and were similarly committed to your career, you could also bring in $300K. So in that case, you're still an equal financial partner despite being a SAHM.

But let's be real - $3M is such an outlandishly high income that he deserves more say than you in how that's spent (especially if that money is not even spent on your immediate family).

Bullshit!! IN a real marriage, it doesn't matter the $$$ amounts. It's a partnership and each has equal say. If you are not in a partnership, then neither spouse should be a SAHP, IMO.

We are worth millions. I'm a SAHP. I manage the money with our financial advisor. We discuss major financial decisions, but are generally on the same page. My spouse happily pays whatever is needed to help support my parents, as we are 3K miles from them and cannot quickly get there in an emergency. So we paid entrance fee for a fancy high end CCRC retirement home 6 years ago. For now they are in independent living, but it's a huge comfort to know they have emergency care, assisted living, full medical care that can be fully managed by the facility should they need it. If we are traveling and can't get there for 48+ hours, they will be well taken care of. I wouldn't want to be with a partner who has the money and wouldn't help support my family. Just like I happily support their family when needed. However, I'm also reasonable and would never expect my partner to overspend on my family. They need a car, sure they can have $25K. But I'm not purchasing them a luxury vehicle---I'm simply getting them a good quality vehicle. I may drive a $100K vehicle, but certainly don't feel guilty that my kids do not and I have no plans to get them one. all they need is a good reliable, safe vehicle---if they want luxury they can earn it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Complain to your husband, not us, lol.

I know he will probably let me get my parents the car I want.

I am just wondering about others in the same situation where one spouse stays home and one is the sole earner.

OP, you have a good situation. My husband makes high 6 figures, close to 7, but not quite. This has been the case for our 20 year marriage. I'm on the house and nothing else. I have a credit card with his name on it. I've negotiated cash settlements by threatening to go back to work a few times. Yes, my husband basically lets me buy whatever I want within reason and within reason is not a 110k vehicle. He doesn't like luxury anything (maybe it was upbringing, have no idea), but you'd never know how much he makes from looking at him or what he drives or even where we live. Your husband may just think it's silly to spend money on a really nice car for your elderly parents at this point in their lives. Why not look at that as a sign of fiscal prudence. These high salaries can go away at anytime. I think you've got a really good deal compared to mine. Your husband seems to think of it as "our money" particularly since you say he would cave if you pressed the issue. I think it's normal and healthy to have a conversation and compromising on purchases. My DH would never help out my parents like this, or at least I don't think he would. I'm ok with my situation just because I'm a spender and DH is a saver, so it's probably better this way, although risky for me; I get that. It sounds like you have a great husband, but he spends a lot. I know a lot of people that make in the 2 million range and it's still not enough for them, so I don't think 3 mil is "enough" either, at least the way you both spend.

DH is a big saver. So am I. We are actually not as big spenders as we sound relative to our peers, neighbors and colleagues. Our kids’ college funds and our retirements are fully funded. I have my own brokerage accounts that DH funds for me. I guess I could always cash some out and buy a car for my parents.

You're still talking about it like he's doing you a favor! You need to break that habit. That's the main thing.

It doesn't really matter how much savings and income you have. It really, really doesn't. Your DH is not socially comfortable with luxury purchases for extended family, that's the bottom line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are various issues at play.

-the dynamics of not having your own income
-what you believe is a reasonable cost for a car
-asking your spouse to support in-laws financially

I stay at home and my spouse earns about $800k. He's spendier by nature than I am so there's that. I noticed you said your husband "lets" you do this or that. You also said that *he* got you your $110k car. Did you not pick out your own car? Change the way you tell yourself these stories. Part of being an equal in the partnership is believing it yourself. He doesn't let you spend money; you decide together that it's OK to spend money. He doesn't buy you a car (unless he bought it without your input); you decide together what your budget is, and then you pick out your own car.

My husband has a $70k car. Cars aren't my thing. I have a $32k car. Obviously my husband would support me getting a $70k car if I wanted one, but I don't. So I spend that money on Disney World instead.

As for supporting your parents, I think the disconnect here is that your husband is such a car snob that it seems like he wants your parents to drive trash because he thinks a $25k car is trash. So it doesn't paint your husband in the best light. But objectively speaking, you can get a perfectly serviceable and functional car for $25k. You should figure out if you are also a car snob, or if you are upset by the implied disrespect to your parents.

That said, you should never take it for granted that your spouse will approve giving away your money to relatives. Approach those conversations carefully and with respect. And keep in mind that he didn't say no to a car . . . he just suggested a budget lower than you apparently desire. That might indicate that he is tiring of these expenses. It may not be about the appropriate price for a car so much as it's about the never-ending asks.

One thing that has helped our dynamics is to give both of us the same amount of fun money. Because I would be so cautious and debate whether to spend $200 on a few items of clothing for myself, and then my husband would buy himself multiple pairs of $200 jeans. This way, if I want something that I feel is extravagant, the money is already there. Or I can save it up and donate it or spend it on a trip or whatever. It emboldens me to treat myself, which is a good thing considering that it's never fun to deny yourself and then look over at your spouse merrily spending without a second thought.

You have painted your husband as being rather ungenerous but the fact is that he approves of spending all this money on your inlaws. That may just not be a bottomless check. He may not view it as being stingy with friends; maybe he just doesn't want people to expect him to pay. Or maybe he thinks it's respectful to treat the other person like an equal who can pay their share of the bill, even if they don't earn millions of dollars a year. My gazillionaire uncle doesn't pay for everyone all the time; he doesn't want to create lazy dependents (I'm not saying that elderly people like your parents are lazy at all . . . this is in reference to his grandchildren).

So stop telling yourself that your husband controls the purse strings and lets you do things. If you want a fancy a$$ car, then own it; don't act like your husband twisted your arm. If you DON'T want a fancy a$$ car, then say so. But I still don't understand what is wrong with getting your parents a $30k car. It sounds like you are mad on principle . . . mad that he is a car snob but doesn't extend that to cars he gifts to struggling relatives. But I think it's like if you flew them to Europe with you, but you bought them coach tickets (assuming they weren't frail and uncomfortable in the seats). Yes, for you, flying in coach is unthinkable. But it's what the vast majority of people do. And even coach tickets cost a lot these days. Or let's say you're flying your teens with you. You want the lie flat seats, but do teenagers need them? You are still being generous even if you gift someone something that's not as luxurious as what you would get yourself. It's still a gift, where none was required.

DH put his name down for a Tesla before/during the pandemic. The wait list for the Tesla was so long that he got another car during the wait time. When the delivery time came, he asked if I wanted it. I didn’t really care. My car was getting kind of old. It is 6 years old. He basically got the Tesla for our family and I am driving it. I don’t really care about cars.

We just spent 40k on spring break. We can very easily buy this car for my parents. DH is expecting a very large influx of money next month and this is before his new bump in compensation. We also have other investments that should have a multi million dollar return. I guess we do talk about money. We just don’t talk about spending it. I usually just do whatever I want as long as it is for the kids and me and not others.

It sounds like your high income has allowed you to avoid talking about an issue where you actually don't agree and you're both uncomfortable. It seems like it's not really about the money for your DH exactly, it's more about the relationship with your parents. He might feel, for example, that it's a fancy car now but soon it'll be another fancy car and then live-in help or a fancy house or a fancy assisted living or supporting other relatives of yours, or whatever. He might feel that it will mess up his relationship with your dad-- men can have certain feelings about that He just doesn't have the same cultural norms that you do, and he's not comfortable with it. It's not about the money for him. It's about whether you're funding ILs' luxuries, or only their necessities. Because if you start in on luxuries there's no end to it.

My dad doesn’t have long to live. This has absolutely nothing to do with my dad. This car will be for my mom to take my dad to doctor appointments.

What difference does it make in their quality of life to have a fancy car versus a merely nice car?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$50K+ car screams emotional insecurity in all of you.

Such a waste of humanity's effort and nature's energy to indulge people like this.

This is a dumb post. You have no concept of how much cars cost and likely haven't bought one in ages. My minivan costs nearly $50K. It is not a flashy car but it is one that is now on backorder at all dealerships.

Getting a good car will cost at least $40-$50K.

Nope---you can get a good car for $30-35K, a brand new car. This is an elderly couple---they don't need a fancy big vehicle. They don't need AWD, because even if they live in an area with snow they are likely of the age where they should not be attempting to drive in the snow. Majority of Americans do not spend more than $30K on a new vehicle. there are plenty of cars that are NOT on backorder.