Millennial men pitched themselves as equal partners. What happened?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maternity leave sets up the paradigm that moms are the primary parent and household manager.

If dads were expected and encouraged to take paid family leave and actually take care of the baby, it would go a long way to supporting a more egalitarian split at home.

I’ve noticed my Scandinavian colleagues seem to have more balanced family responsibilities, and I think this is a big factor

Funny because I’ve noticed the opposite. In fact, so much that it makes me question their push for equality as simply a way to get women to do absolutely everything. It seems even worse than here. Here my friends at least are supported financially by their husbands. My Scandinavian friends have separate bank accounts and live like roommates. They even have 50% of the mortgage coming out of each bank account. The moms are still in charge of the emotional labor. No thanks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe men do a ton, an equal share let’s say, but are simply less vocal about their contributions and, especially, their complaints. Women, biologically, are programmed to be more emotional. They’re more chatty. They initiate 70% of divorces and 90% if they’re college educated. They’re more flighty, and variant in temperament, and neurotic in general as has been reported by top scientists. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3149680/

So a woman might complain a lot about feeling the emotional burden of parenthood, and a career, but perhaps that’s just her subjective, emotion-based, rather than a fact-based, objective assessment of her situation, we’re outside observers able to quantify her particular case.

your "study" was self-reported.

Sorry you’re not happy with the results. There are a lot of other studies that show women always score higher than men in levels of neuroticism. That definitely correlates to a perception of disparate levels of domestic contributions between married men and women.

its not the results I'm unhappy with, its the research. You talk about fact-based objective assessments but your study is self-reported the opposite of objective and emotion-based.

and lets also separate unprompted and prompted in the domestic contributions meaning what a man/woman does without having to be told to do it or reminded by the other person.

I think it’s more that women’s levels of neuroticism lead them to take on a lot of additional worrying, work, or generally kid related things, that are unnecessary. Men may not see the utility in that type of behavior, to undertake things that aren’t worth their or their kids time, and therefore are usually not prone to even initiating them. Basically women get all spun up, or hoisted by their own petard, in terms of planning, activities, etc. So of course they feel the emotional load. Because of a proclivity for neuroticism, they engage in neurotic busy work. Then they complain about it, as their personality, biologically, is also prone to conversation and emoting.

Give examples of unnecessary. Please. Because

-signing up for camps when daycare is closed
-forms for camp
-signing up for teacher appreciation week at daycare
-enrolling in K including all of the forms and records
- laundry
- vacuuming
-clean toilets and tubs
- grocery shopping and cooking varied meals
- regular car repairs and maintenance
-budgeting and paying bills
- 1 extracurricular per season
- finding good sales on shoes and clothes because we don't get hand-me-downs and i try to stick to 600 per year for clothes and shoes for a growing kid
- home maintenance (ex. hot water heater draining, cleaning gutters, ensuring that the downspout extenders are put back on after the lawn gets mowed)
but yes its because women are neurotic with all their unnecessary planning and activities

[Anonymous]

Women are masters at bait-n-switch.
Then complain about that too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I knew my husband would not be equal but I didn’t expect him to be as bad as he is. He really thinks he does a lot too. I love him and he’s important, but I would have less labor if he didn’t live here. I fantasize about a 50/50 custody schedule even though I don’t actually want that at all. I thought he would step up overtime but he’s just lazy and selfish. That’s the truth.

This is so real.

And yes to the part about having more work if I was a single parent. I'm not saying I want to be a single parent -- I love my DH and get emotional value out of our relationship, plus I do think it's better for kids to be in a home with both parents. But my DH is soooooooo lazy. And he would admit it. It's not just about parenting, though yes he's a lazy parent. He won't schedule a doctor's or dentist appointment FOR HIMSELF. He doesn't like ironing, so he just wear wrinkled clothes, and when something absolutely hast to be ironed, he will put it off until the absolute last minute (and sometimes I offer to do it just so it can be done and we can pack a bag or leave the house or whatever).

I don't just do more childcare and housework. I take care of the car, I do maintenance on the house and yard, I plan our vacations, I research and execute all major appliance, furniture, or car purchases, when we move I do all the real estate stuff plus 90% of the packing and executing the move. I make sure we get kid and family photos and make sure they get sent to grandparents. I select gifts for his parents and brother when he puts it off and puts it off. I wrap all gifts. He also offloads most of his wardrobe maintenance to me by simply never buying clothes to replace his clothes once they are falling apart, and then when it's his birthday or Father's Day or Christmas, he just says "I don't know, I need new pants but I'm not sure what." So I wind up buying most of his clothes, figuring out what is in fashion, what goes with what he has, shopping sales, etc. I do our taxes and manage our retirement accounts. AND I do most of the childcare and the housekeeping (I do basically all the cleaning except he occasionally cleans the kitchen, and I'm primary parent for everything from school to drop off/pick up to arranging childcare to bedtimes and meals and hygiene, etc. -- there is no child-related thing that he takes the lead on).

He does none of this for me. He's never booked a vacation for me, he can't even make a reservation for my birthday -- I do it myself because I've learned that otherwise it won't happen. He doesn't buy my clothes or get the oil changed in my car or make sure the yard is taken care of or replace lightbulbs. If I ask him to do these things (and I MUST ask, he will never do them voluntarily), he will put it off indefinitely or complain he doesn't know how or say "you've always done it before, it's easier if you do it this time."

Stuff he does do, he wants like a freaking Purple Heart for it. If I ever complain about any of the above, he'll point out that he goes to the grocery store more, does about half the cooking, and does the laundry about 30% of the time. He also checks our credit card statement each month to make sure there is nothing unauthorized and makes sure that we have the right amount of money in the checking account to pay off the balance. He also occasionally makes me a cup of tea in the morning without me asking for it. I am grateful for all of these things. But it's not half, it's not even close to half. He's just a very lazy person and I pick up all his slack because we're married and have a kid together and him putting crap off or avoiding it just winds ups screwing me over in some other way later.

And people will refer to my DH as "one of the good ones" because they see him hanging out with our kid and being a good dad, he'll mention cleaning or laundry, he seems engaged with our lives. Bu the doesn't actually do this stuff. He's just kind of vaguely taking credit for the enormous amount of stuff I do that makes our lives function, and peopel don't press him on it because why would they, so from the outside our marriage looks egalitarian, but I honestly think my DH does less than my dad did if you add it all up, because my dad was the clear breadwinner (my mom worked but as a nurse and made very little money back then) and he also did all the yard work and anything related to the car. Whereas DH and I both work and make similar amounts and I handle the stuff my dad used to handle plus everything my mom did, too.

Wait, you are getting so bent out of shape and he does more grocery shopping, half the cooking, and 30% of the laundry? That's a pretty fair split. My car maintenance takes about 1 hour per year. Are you actually changing the oil? Or just taking it somewhere. Are you actually mowing the lawn? Or calling someone to do that? I don't get where this supposedly ridiculously lopsided work load comes in. One guess is that you are very anal about things and/or overscheduled and he just doesn't see the point.

That would be close to fair for a childless couple, maybe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maternity leave sets up the paradigm that moms are the primary parent and household manager.

If dads were expected and encouraged to take paid family leave and actually take care of the baby, it would go a long way to supporting a more egalitarian split at home.

I’ve noticed my Scandinavian colleagues seem to have more balanced family responsibilities, and I think this is a big factor

Funny because I’ve noticed the opposite. In fact, so much that it makes me question their push for equality as simply a way to get women to do absolutely everything. It seems even worse than here. Here my friends at least are supported financially by their husbands. My Scandinavian friends have separate bank accounts and live like roommates. They even have 50% of the mortgage coming out of each bank account. The moms are still in charge of the emotional labor. No thanks!

A lot of this is cultural too.

Germany has great parental leave, free or subsidized childcare and "Elternzeit" where parents can split leave so that Dad takes several months off...but they still have a lot of expectations rooted in stay-at-home motherhood.

France also has great benefits, and a lot of working moms, but there's a lot of the "second shift" dynamic where hte moms do all the house/kid stuff along with working outside the home.

Parental leave and benefits are WONDERFUL and necessary, especially for both parents regardless of gender...but they don't solve underlying cultural expectations taht women do certain caregiving work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I knew my husband would not be equal but I didn’t expect him to be as bad as he is. He really thinks he does a lot too. I love him and he’s important, but I would have less labor if he didn’t live here. I fantasize about a 50/50 custody schedule even though I don’t actually want that at all. I thought he would step up overtime but he’s just lazy and selfish. That’s the truth.

This is so real.

And yes to the part about having more work if I was a single parent. I'm not saying I want to be a single parent -- I love my DH and get emotional value out of our relationship, plus I do think it's better for kids to be in a home with both parents. But my DH is soooooooo lazy. And he would admit it. It's not just about parenting, though yes he's a lazy parent. He won't schedule a doctor's or dentist appointment FOR HIMSELF. He doesn't like ironing, so he just wear wrinkled clothes, and when something absolutely hast to be ironed, he will put it off until the absolute last minute (and sometimes I offer to do it just so it can be done and we can pack a bag or leave the house or whatever).

I don't just do more childcare and housework. I take care of the car, I do maintenance on the house and yard, I plan our vacations, I research and execute all major appliance, furniture, or car purchases, when we move I do all the real estate stuff plus 90% of the packing and executing the move. I make sure we get kid and family photos and make sure they get sent to grandparents. I select gifts for his parents and brother when he puts it off and puts it off. I wrap all gifts. He also offloads most of his wardrobe maintenance to me by simply never buying clothes to replace his clothes once they are falling apart, and then when it's his birthday or Father's Day or Christmas, he just says "I don't know, I need new pants but I'm not sure what." So I wind up buying most of his clothes, figuring out what is in fashion, what goes with what he has, shopping sales, etc. I do our taxes and manage our retirement accounts. AND I do most of the childcare and the housekeeping (I do basically all the cleaning except he occasionally cleans the kitchen, and I'm primary parent for everything from school to drop off/pick up to arranging childcare to bedtimes and meals and hygiene, etc. -- there is no child-related thing that he takes the lead on).

He does none of this for me. He's never booked a vacation for me, he can't even make a reservation for my birthday -- I do it myself because I've learned that otherwise it won't happen. He doesn't buy my clothes or get the oil changed in my car or make sure the yard is taken care of or replace lightbulbs. If I ask him to do these things (and I MUST ask, he will never do them voluntarily), he will put it off indefinitely or complain he doesn't know how or say "you've always done it before, it's easier if you do it this time."

Stuff he does do, he wants like a freaking Purple Heart for it. If I ever complain about any of the above, he'll point out that he goes to the grocery store more, does about half the cooking, and does the laundry about 30% of the time. He also checks our credit card statement each month to make sure there is nothing unauthorized and makes sure that we have the right amount of money in the checking account to pay off the balance. He also occasionally makes me a cup of tea in the morning without me asking for it. I am grateful for all of these things. But it's not half, it's not even close to half. He's just a very lazy person and I pick up all his slack because we're married and have a kid together and him putting crap off or avoiding it just winds ups screwing me over in some other way later.

And people will refer to my DH as "one of the good ones" because they see him hanging out with our kid and being a good dad, he'll mention cleaning or laundry, he seems engaged with our lives. Bu the doesn't actually do this stuff. He's just kind of vaguely taking credit for the enormous amount of stuff I do that makes our lives function, and peopel don't press him on it because why would they, so from the outside our marriage looks egalitarian, but I honestly think my DH does less than my dad did if you add it all up, because my dad was the clear breadwinner (my mom worked but as a nurse and made very little money back then) and he also did all the yard work and anything related to the car. Whereas DH and I both work and make similar amounts and I handle the stuff my dad used to handle plus everything my mom did, too.

I’m male and this sounds like learned helpfulness. Off your list
* car maintenance
* house maintenance
* vacation planning
* major appliance and furniture
* taxes and retirement

Need to be moved to him entirely.

[Anonymous]

DH and I are immigrants from a 3rd world country. My DH has always been the partner I wanted and needed. When we were childless, he supported my education and career and did more than his share of the household chores and financial providing so that I was successful in my chosen field.

When I got pregnant, he was my support in managing my GD and easing workload for me at home. When we had our first baby, he made sure we were supported. He made sure that my parents came for the birth and lived with us for 6 months, and took care of all the logistics pertaining to that. I wanted to breastfeed and he made sure that he took care of all the diapering, waking up and soothing the baby, helping with cooking etc, so that I could succeed in breastfeeding.

As I went back to my career, he and I, were on the same page as to what our priorities were. He was smart and insisted that we outsourced what we could and then he also took care of the morning drop offs, evening nighttime routine etc so that he was spending the maximum time he could with the kids and I got a break. I used to take a lot of the mental burden of planning things for the family, but he has always been the person who had my back and would pitch in or find people who could help us. He believed in spending money to get help and even with our tiny income we were spending on domestic help and other service provides. He has always been with the program as I have shifted gears as a WOHM, WAHM, Part Timers, contract worker, SAHM etc.

Did I want an equal partner? No. I have always wanted a supportive partner who had a very clear idea of what our priorities were as a family unit and who was pitching in to make our family successful. We happen to be Gen-Xers. We are parents of millennial and gen-z kids. I see the struggles that this thread is about playing out in our family in the younger generation. My take is that the corporate culture and the societal culture of this country is responsible for this kind of communication breakdown between couples.

No couple with kids is thinking of doing it alone. Corporate policies and federal policies are very flexible for family requirements. There are generous leave policies and flex work arrangements. Family also pitches in, domestic help is plentiful and organized. No working woman is leaving her job because of lack of childcare - even during the pandemic.

I think it is ridiculous that US corporate policies are so female and family unfriendly, that parenthood seems to be the worst thing that can happen to the ambition, wallet and harmony of married working couples.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think men DID want equal partners, to be involved with children and egalitarian marriages. But it's just really, really hard. There's so much working against dual working parents.
-school hours are atrocious
-school is basically closed one day a week at least and you need to figure out coverage
-kids are always sick, all winter long
-parenting is extremely hard
-it's very, very difficult to be successful at your job if you left work at 3pm when school ends every day. My boss would have a fit and I'd miss out on lots of meetings.

Dh and I have figured it out and have a nice 40/60 marriage (I'm the 60%), but it's a combo of zero-5 minute commutes, telework, lots of grandparent help, back up nanny and a lot of work.

I always wonder about the school thing. My DH has a flexible career with WFH whenever, but we have three kids and they have literally been sick or out for teacher training/holidays at least once a week averaged out. I have no idea how we would do it if both of us worked full-time, but I assume everyone uses nannies or works from home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maternity leave sets up the paradigm that moms are the primary parent and household manager.

If dads were expected and encouraged to take paid family leave and actually take care of the baby, it would go a long way to supporting a more egalitarian split at home.

I’ve noticed my Scandinavian colleagues seem to have more balanced family responsibilities, and I think this is a big factor

Funny because I’ve noticed the opposite. In fact, so much that it makes me question their push for equality as simply a way to get women to do absolutely everything. It seems even worse than here. Here my friends at least are supported financially by their husbands. My Scandinavian friends have separate bank accounts and live like roommates. They even have 50% of the mortgage coming out of each bank account. The moms are still in charge of the emotional labor. No thanks!

A lot of this is cultural too.

Germany has great parental leave, free or subsidized childcare and "Elternzeit" where parents can split leave so that Dad takes several months off...but they still have a lot of expectations rooted in stay-at-home motherhood.

France also has great benefits, and a lot of working moms, but there's a lot of the "second shift" dynamic where hte moms do all the house/kid stuff along with working outside the home.

Parental leave and benefits are WONDERFUL and necessary, especially for both parents regardless of gender...but they don't solve underlying cultural expectations taht women do certain caregiving work.

Unpopular opinion here, but I think European countries offer better parental leave benefits there because women are so screwed. They simply require government assistance to survive after having a baby. They are mostly on their own financially and how could you get by on $0 after having a baby? The government is simply stepping in for what the men there refuse to do. It’s also less expensive to pay low parental leave wages instead of providing childcare for young babies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think men DID want equal partners, to be involved with children and egalitarian marriages. But it's just really, really hard. There's so much working against dual working parents.
-school hours are atrocious
-school is basically closed one day a week at least and you need to figure out coverage
-kids are always sick, all winter long
-parenting is extremely hard
-it's very, very difficult to be successful at your job if you left work at 3pm when school ends every day. My boss would have a fit and I'd miss out on lots of meetings.

Dh and I have figured it out and have a nice 40/60 marriage (I'm the 60%), but it's a combo of zero-5 minute commutes, telework, lots of grandparent help, back up nanny and a lot of work.

I always wonder about the school thing. My DH has a flexible career with WFH whenever, but we have three kids and they have literally been sick or out for teacher training/holidays at least once a week averaged out. I have no idea how we would do it if both of us worked full-time, but I assume everyone uses nannies or works from home.

Doesn't help for sickness but our school's aftercare is open for most closure days. That's what we do, mostly. Sometimes I'll take a vacation day for a daddy-daughter outing but mostly aftercare.

[Anonymous]

Gen X says hold my beer.
Did I use that right? Probably not, I’m old. Anyway, we also definitely were sold the same bill of goods by guys who purported to be feminists who were looking for career women who would be equal partners yada yada. Fast forward 20 years and they still don’t know where to put away the colander or check the school schedule to find out which days the kids will be off, or know how to check the kids grades online.
From where I sit, you millennials aren’t doing somewhat better. Each generation is a slow grind towards progress.

[Anonymous]

Re: European models.

I actually think one of the main reasons millennial men don’t step up to equal partnerships with two working parents is that it sucks. It still sucks, even if you have an equal partnership. You’re still both doing too much. If two parents are working intense jobs, you need more labor. It might be unpaid via a grandparent or older children, but you need more labor no matter what. And a lot of such families max out their housing budget to try to live in areas with affluent public schools and then they don’t have enough money left to hire the nanny and/or full time housekeeper they would need to have a happy, manageably stressful life. Either changing the housing/school quality dynamic or having employers and governments step up makes a lot of sense to bring the equal partner role into the realm of appealing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I knew my husband would not be equal but I didn’t expect him to be as bad as he is. He really thinks he does a lot too. I love him and he’s important, but I would have less labor if he didn’t live here. I fantasize about a 50/50 custody schedule even though I don’t actually want that at all. I thought he would step up overtime but he’s just lazy and selfish. That’s the truth.

This is so real.

And yes to the part about having more work if I was a single parent. I'm not saying I want to be a single parent -- I love my DH and get emotional value out of our relationship, plus I do think it's better for kids to be in a home with both parents. But my DH is soooooooo lazy. And he would admit it. It's not just about parenting, though yes he's a lazy parent. He won't schedule a doctor's or dentist appointment FOR HIMSELF. He doesn't like ironing, so he just wear wrinkled clothes, and when something absolutely hast to be ironed, he will put it off until the absolute last minute (and sometimes I offer to do it just so it can be done and we can pack a bag or leave the house or whatever).

I don't just do more childcare and housework. I take care of the car, I do maintenance on the house and yard, I plan our vacations, I research and execute all major appliance, furniture, or car purchases, when we move I do all the real estate stuff plus 90% of the packing and executing the move. I make sure we get kid and family photos and make sure they get sent to grandparents. I select gifts for his parents and brother when he puts it off and puts it off. I wrap all gifts. He also offloads most of his wardrobe maintenance to me by simply never buying clothes to replace his clothes once they are falling apart, and then when it's his birthday or Father's Day or Christmas, he just says "I don't know, I need new pants but I'm not sure what." So I wind up buying most of his clothes, figuring out what is in fashion, what goes with what he has, shopping sales, etc. I do our taxes and manage our retirement accounts. AND I do most of the childcare and the housekeeping (I do basically all the cleaning except he occasionally cleans the kitchen, and I'm primary parent for everything from school to drop off/pick up to arranging childcare to bedtimes and meals and hygiene, etc. -- there is no child-related thing that he takes the lead on).

He does none of this for me. He's never booked a vacation for me, he can't even make a reservation for my birthday -- I do it myself because I've learned that otherwise it won't happen. He doesn't buy my clothes or get the oil changed in my car or make sure the yard is taken care of or replace lightbulbs. If I ask him to do these things (and I MUST ask, he will never do them voluntarily), he will put it off indefinitely or complain he doesn't know how or say "you've always done it before, it's easier if you do it this time."

Stuff he does do, he wants like a freaking Purple Heart for it. If I ever complain about any of the above, he'll point out that he goes to the grocery store more, does about half the cooking, and does the laundry about 30% of the time. He also checks our credit card statement each month to make sure there is nothing unauthorized and makes sure that we have the right amount of money in the checking account to pay off the balance. He also occasionally makes me a cup of tea in the morning without me asking for it. I am grateful for all of these things. But it's not half, it's not even close to half. He's just a very lazy person and I pick up all his slack because we're married and have a kid together and him putting crap off or avoiding it just winds ups screwing me over in some other way later.

And people will refer to my DH as "one of the good ones" because they see him hanging out with our kid and being a good dad, he'll mention cleaning or laundry, he seems engaged with our lives. Bu the doesn't actually do this stuff. He's just kind of vaguely taking credit for the enormous amount of stuff I do that makes our lives function, and peopel don't press him on it because why would they, so from the outside our marriage looks egalitarian, but I honestly think my DH does less than my dad did if you add it all up, because my dad was the clear breadwinner (my mom worked but as a nurse and made very little money back then) and he also did all the yard work and anything related to the car. Whereas DH and I both work and make similar amounts and I handle the stuff my dad used to handle plus everything my mom did, too.

I’m male and this sounds like learned helpfulness. Off your list
* car maintenance
* house maintenance
* vacation planning
* major appliance and furniture
* taxes and retirement

Need to be moved to him entirely.

DP DW here. This looks like a traditional model.

DH and I, it looks like we have a pretty traditional setup too. I ask my grown up kids - are we a stable, loving, functional family? Do I have power in the relationship? They agree to all of this. But, they themselves remain very conflicted in what they need from their partner.

[Anonymous]

I think millennial men are doing a lot better than their fathers.
I was born in 1986 and my dad never so much as prepared mac and cheese for us. Not once did he do the bedtime routine or look at our homework or drive us to an extracurricular.
What's new is to have both parents with intense careers. In the past a male doctor might marry a female nurse who continued working but had some flexibility. Now doctors always marry doctors.
I am in a non-intense career and so is my husband. On paper it looks like we have things split 50-50 but he seems to have a lot more time than I do for watching Youtube and such. But to be fair plenty of my "work" is things like planning playdates and arranging for kid parties which isn't exactly work, but takes a lot of time and energy. If I dropped dead tomorrow my kids would probably never have another playdate or birthday party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's a few things.

First, as a woman, I am so much more aware than my husband and better at multi-tasking. If I notice something needs to be done, I do it soon because otherwise it takes mental space to remember. Meaning that it is actually less work overall for me to sign up for music lessons instead of discuss it with my husband and wait for him to get to it and remember the deadlien to sign up and then subtly check in with him as we get closer to the deadline because if I ask outright I'm "nagging."

For many things, the easiest thing is just doing it myself. The only way that I've found to split the work is for each of us to 100% own things. I own more than he does though, and it's self fufilling because I am busy so I want things to be done, and I have a lot of things on my plate so I want to manage work myself so I can plan around it. This means I continue to take on more than my fair share.

I think a big piece of it is mental load. I've tried to implement different mechanisms to share it but it's nearly impossible with someone who was socialized without mental load. It's like my brain has a rolling ticker at the bottom of things that need to get done and I can't turn it off.

The mental load is real. My sister’s husband has a diagnosed anxiety disorder, and it comes with its own issues, but part of it is that he wants to be in control of everything, so he deals with all of the crap…arranging childcare, finding music lessons, opening 529’s, getting the leak in the ceiling fixed, planning vacations, figuring out why the dog keeps vomiting, etc.
I had thought this was all BS when other women complained about it because it could be done between other things, but I can’t tell you how much easier parenthood has been for my sister when she doesn’t have to think about all of this stuff. She goes to work, then comes home and plays with her girls. If she has to go out of town, then she tells her husband and he just deals with it.

Wow!

My spouse has anxiety and other things but instead of doing them/in control, he sticks his head in the sand and hides.

Facts!