Is this a legitimate reason for a divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The real problem here (I think) is your husband criticizing you later for your actions. But, this is where you really need to evaluate the situation. Is it possible your husband was right and that you didn’t need to react the way you did? Or is he truly so conflict adverse that he will never have your back? Talking through the exact scenario with your therapist might give you and interesting third party opinion. You both might be “right” in some ways.

I have a husband that is unlikely to ever be an upstander. When his friends behave atrociously, he isn’t going to participate, but he also isn’t going to shut them down. So he ain’t going to say “stop ogling the waitress, she is your daughter’ age”, but he will definitely try to change the subject and he spends less and less time with people that don’t share his values. Although he also would never, ever truly cut someone off. I will be honest, it drives me insane. But is don’t view this as some weird statement about masculinity. Some people are just more willing to take on controversy with others.

On the other hand, in our conversations about how we might handle certain situations, I think he can be an overreactor. And he gets super frustrated with me when I don’t 100% “have his back, see his side, etc”. So he tried to demand pretty high loyalty from me. My response to this is always “don’t ask my opinion if you don’t actually want to hear it.” At this point, it is really just a joke between the two of us.

But I still think it would be crazy to divorce over this. And the main problem here is your perverse definition on masculinity. You should reflect on this with your own therapist.

Ugh, so many typos. But “ain’t” is definitely an autocorrect!!

[Anonymous]

I have gone my whole life without being “attacked” in a way that requires my husband to jump to my defense. The fact that you’ve had it happen twice makes me think the problem might be you.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't divorce over this. Can you just avoid your MIL in perpetuity? If she's attacking you then you don't need to be around her. And how bad was the attack? Like she was wielding a knife at you saying she wanted to kill you? Or she said that your pot roast left something to be desired?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again- the friend issue is easily identifiable if he reads this so I don’t want to give as much detail, but basically was a close friends surprising and verbally aggressive attack toward me for feeling slighted from an event. Both my husband and I were at fault for the perceived slight, but the friend chose me to attack and my husband threw me under the bus and let me take the heat. He was present when it occurred.

OP you need to go to a therapist and explore whether you have borderline personality. “Getting attacked for feeling slighted at an event then attacking my DH for not defending me from the attack” is classic.

Op- I just reread what I wrote and agree it is confusing to readers. The situation that occurred was that the friend felt slighted by my husband and I about an event we were hosting. The friend then suddenly and surprisingly verbally attacked us (mostly me) and my husband retreated, i assertively stood up for us in the moment, and then my husband criticized me at home in private for defending us.

OP, I say this with love. You were 100% wrong in this situation with the friend.
Your friend was deeply hurt for being slighted and expressed himself terribly. However, as the host, YOU were WRONG in your response. As the host, you do not argue with your guest and create a potential scene at YOUR event. At THAT moment, as the host, you should have apologized profusely for the slight. Discussing or defending why the slight may have occurred should have come at a later date privately.
Your DH did not get involved because both you and the friend were on 100. Your DH did not know how to diffuse the situation and did not want to escalate it further.

Also, both you MIL and friend knows that your DH was partly to blame in both situations. However, sometimes, it is very hard to blame the person who we are closest too (your DH) and easier to blame another (YOU).

I agree with the posters that suggested therapy for you. It seems that there’s a lot being piled on your plate.

No divorce here💞

[Anonymous]

How would you afford 4 kids?

No, I would not get divorced over this?

Yes, I would absolutely be upset at DH. My MIL is overbearing and DH is an uh huh type of guy. He does not like conflict so he avoids it until he no longer can and then it blows up. It is what it is. At this point, my Dh is not going to change and neither is your Dh.

[Anonymous]

I have a slightly different take on this. I expect my husband and I to be a team--he has got my back and I have got his. He would never allow his mother to viciously attack me, especially over a decision that we had made jointly (it sounds like this is the case for you?). He would let her know that we had made the decision together. Hell, even if he disagreed with me and thought I was wrong, he wouldn't let someone attack me. Unless you're spewing truly hateful racist/homophobic stuff, there is no reason to viciously attack someone. You can disagree without resorting to personal attacks.

If I were you, I would feel very alone in my marriage, and like I didn't have someone who was on my side. That wouldn't fly with me--I need a ride or die partner. We don't always have to agree, but we have to agree that our partnership comes first and we won't allow other people to treat either of us poorly. I would request that we re-enter marriage counseling to discuss this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never divorce over that with 4 kids in the mix. Never. I laws can be crazy and people do not always react appropriately. Lots of people revert to their childhood personalities around their families. I think you are being really dramatic. You have a shitty MIL. Lots of people do.

Same! How do you plan to support them? Why do you put so much pressure on him? Stand up and speak up for yourself.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound like you're always looking for drama and angst. Grow up, this isn't high school.

[Anonymous]

OP ignore the MRAs on this board; it’s not 1950.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a slightly different take on this. I expect my husband and I to be a team--he has got my back and I have got his. He would never allow his mother to viciously attack me, especially over a decision that we had made jointly (it sounds like this is the case for you?). He would let her know that we had made the decision together. Hell, even if he disagreed with me and thought I was wrong, he wouldn't let someone attack me. Unless you're spewing truly hateful racist/homophobic stuff, there is no reason to viciously attack someone. You can disagree without resorting to personal attacks.

If I were you, I would feel very alone in my marriage, and like I didn't have someone who was on my side. That wouldn't fly with me--I need a ride or die partner. We don't always have to agree, but we have to agree that our partnership comes first and we won't allow other people to treat either of us poorly. I would request that we re-enter marriage counseling to discuss this.

I don’t disagree with you, but you resolve this in years 1-5 before you have 4 kids. Once you have passively accepted this to the tune of 4 kids, getting divorced sounds nuts to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have gone my whole life without being “attacked” in a way that requires my husband to jump to my defense. The fact that you’ve had it happen twice makes me think the problem might be you.

Op here - 2 years ago when I was 38 I could have also said that I’ve lived my whole life without being attacked. These are weird, new instances. The MIL thing was brewing for years due to him not standing up the her. The friend was a one off weird event.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a slightly different take on this. I expect my husband and I to be a team--he has got my back and I have got his. He would never allow his mother to viciously attack me, especially over a decision that we had made jointly (it sounds like this is the case for you?). He would let her know that we had made the decision together. Hell, even if he disagreed with me and thought I was wrong, he wouldn't let someone attack me. Unless you're spewing truly hateful racist/homophobic stuff, there is no reason to viciously attack someone. You can disagree without resorting to personal attacks.

If I were you, I would feel very alone in my marriage, and like I didn't have someone who was on my side. That wouldn't fly with me--I need a ride or die partner. We don't always have to agree, but we have to agree that our partnership comes first and we won't allow other people to treat either of us poorly. I would request that we re-enter marriage counseling to discuss this.

I don’t disagree with you, but you resolve this in years 1-5 before you have 4 kids. Once you have passively accepted this to the tune of 4 kids, getting divorced sounds nuts to me.

People with 4 kids are allowed to get divorced. That may come as a shock to you.

[Anonymous]

Stay until year 20 for the alimony.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have gone my whole life without being “attacked” in a way that requires my husband to jump to my defense. The fact that you’ve had it happen twice makes me think the problem might be you.

Op here - 2 years ago when I was 38 I could have also said that I’ve lived my whole life without being attacked. These are weird, new instances. The MIL thing was brewing for years due to him not standing up the her. The friend was a one off weird event.

When you say this, it sounds like you want to divorce over 2 events over many years. That sounds ridiculous. Particularly when people might have a reasonable disagreement about how to handle a nutty friend at a party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have gone my whole life without being “attacked” in a way that requires my husband to jump to my defense. The fact that you’ve had it happen twice makes me think the problem might be you.

Op here - 2 years ago when I was 38 I could have also said that I’ve lived my whole life without being attacked. These are weird, new instances. The MIL thing was brewing for years due to him not standing up the her. The friend was a one off weird event.

When you say this, it sounds like you want to divorce over 2 events over many years. That sounds ridiculous. Particularly when people might have a reasonable disagreement about how to handle a nutty friend at a party.

+1. The issue with the friend should be a once in a decade/ two decades issue. Shake it off.

The issue with MIL may be more frequent, but you have been holding back for your DH's sake. Since he is not returning the favor, rip her a new one if it will make you feel better.

Don't leave your marriage for this.