Grandparents want to be invited to everything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents and ILs want to be invited to everything for DC. Currently MIL is mad at me because we didn’t invite them to a school program. It honestly didn’t occur to me. This was a first school program we as PARENTS had every even been to due to Covid. My grandparents never came to any of my school programs. I doubt my parents invited them. Some times I just want to do things with just our immediate family.

Also, they very rarely offer to help out with DC. I’m in desperate need of help a couple hours 2x a week for the summer that they could easily help with, but nope.

What’s typical for your family? We already see one set of grandparents weekly, another every couple of weeks.

Honestly, just invite both sets of grandparents for everything. They can come or not come - leave it up to them.

Don't try to use access to grandkids as a passive-aggressive way to force them into babysitting for you. This is exactly what you are doing.

Give equal access to both sets of parents. See each set of parents every week or every other week.

NP and nope. Easy-going, helpful people get invited to participate more in family life. If you are a princess who needs to be entertained and serve, people will only invite you when they have the capacity to serve you. Be a helper, or be an entitled, high-maintenance whiner. You’ll be included, or not, accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents and ILs want to be invited to everything for DC. Currently MIL is mad at me because we didn’t invite them to a school program. It honestly didn’t occur to me. This was a first school program we as PARENTS had every even been to due to Covid. My grandparents never came to any of my school programs. I doubt my parents invited them. Some times I just want to do things with just our immediate family.

Also, they very rarely offer to help out with DC. I’m in desperate need of help a couple hours 2x a week for the summer that they could easily help with, but nope.

What’s typical for your family? We already see one set of grandparents weekly, another every couple of weeks.

What is typeical for our family is that grandparents and uncles and aunts (both sides) are clued in about events. I also share school or EC events through a google calendar. That way if someone wants to come they do. I will also send info in group chats. We usually take "guests" and the kids afterwards to some $ chain restaurants. Think Tor Taco, Red Lobster, Olive Garden, 5 guys...or order take-outs at home. Sometimes we will get something from chicfila or even Taco Bell.

I have never asked any one to help with kids as I had a nanny/housekeeper at home. I used to WFH and DH and I also tried to be there with the kids as much as we could by staggering our work (inspite of having a nanny/housekeeper). IF grandparents wanted to hang out with the grandkids they were always welcome at our home with the nanny around. Also, when my parents wanted to take kids out to the park etc, the nanny went along. It was not a burden for anyone to take care of my kids because the backup of nanny was always there. At the end of the day - my kids are my responsibility and I would never expect grandparents to help out. Yes, they could enjoy the grandkids and my kids got to enjoy the family BUT they are also elderly, I would never want them to get tired.

Once they get older, almost every activity is on the web, like HS sports schedules. Grandparents should be clued into these, and of course should feel welcome to attend. You’re a control freak if you think these events should be by invitation only.

I’m currently dealing with this problem. All 4 grandparents expect to be invited to every freaking event. If grandkid mentions in passing “My band concert this or that” to Grandma who wasn’t invited, the DRAMA that will ensue is hellish. I will literally never hear the end of it. Even my aunt will call me and say “your mother’s very disappointed that she missed X event.”
Here’s why they are NOT welcome to attend: they are so high maintenance it’s unreal. If we’re sitting on bleachers their backs hurt. If we’re in an auditorium, they need the best prime seating. They show up late and expect to have premium seats saved for them. They can’t find parking and call me demanding to know where to park. If they have to walk for any distance, complaining. They talk throughout the performance including loud observations about other kids. If I shush them they get mad: “seems like you’re in a mood today.” At the scout pancake breakfast they were complaining that there was nothing “keto” for them to eat and “we spent $9 for this breakfast! I didn’t get my moneys worth”.
If they could be unobtrusive they’d be welcome. They seem to think old people’s comfort is the first priority at these events and the kids are secondary.
Phew that felt good to get out.

You're a terrible person.

The reason this was on my mind yesterday and I revived this old thread was because I was about to embark on another event with the grandparents, who we did invite even though we were privately thinking the above. So no, I don’t think I’m a terrible person. I gritted my teeth and got through it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents and ILs want to be invited to everything for DC. Currently MIL is mad at me because we didn’t invite them to a school program. It honestly didn’t occur to me. This was a first school program we as PARENTS had every even been to due to Covid. My grandparents never came to any of my school programs. I doubt my parents invited them. Some times I just want to do things with just our immediate family.

Also, they very rarely offer to help out with DC. I’m in desperate need of help a couple hours 2x a week for the summer that they could easily help with, but nope.

What’s typical for your family? We already see one set of grandparents weekly, another every couple of weeks.

Honestly, just invite both sets of grandparents for everything. They can come or not come - leave it up to them.

Don't try to use access to grandkids as a passive-aggressive way to force them into babysitting for you. This is exactly what you are doing.

Give equal access to both sets of parents. See each set of parents every week or every other week.

NP and nope. Easy-going, helpful people get invited to participate more in family life. If you are a princess who needs to be entertained and serve, people will only invite you when they have the capacity to serve you. Be a helper, or be an entitled, high-maintenance whiner. You’ll be included, or not, accordingly.

What are you even talking about it? Why don't you direct your ire at the people who keep making the same mistakes over and over expecting different outcomes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a grandma...my reality is that I'm not capable of watching several kids at the same time anymore. I'm just not. It doesn't mean I don't love my grandchildren; I do--very much. I absolutely LOVE to be invited to school events.

Now OP's situation is different. There are two grandparents together. So maybe they can watch all the kids, but I wouldn't just assume that. Maybe one grandparent is hale and hearty and spends more time than the OP realizes taking care of her other parent.

I have a friend my age--mid-70s--who said that she really resented the fact that her mom would never watch both her kids for her when she was young, but her mom would often invite one of her kids to an opera or other event her mom enjoyed. Now, she finally "gets it." Her mom could manage one of her children, but didn't feel comfortable watching 2.

Plus, letting your parents attend school events, lets them find out about your kids. It's easier to babysit kids you KNOW than to babysit kids you know nothing about. If your dad knows your son likes baseball, maybe he'll grab a ball and bat on the way to your house to babysit---and things will go better. Or he'll say something like "I really liked the song your class sung in assembly. I couldn't quite catch all the words though. Could you teach it to me?"

I honestly feel very sad for the OP's parents because, to this senior citizen, OP comes across as a spoiled brat.

Wow, so watching two kids for a few hours is too much for you yet you can’t understand why hosting an extra set of grandparents during the school and work week is too much for exhausted parents.

Your post really nails the disconnect between boomers and millennials. You have no desire to respect or understand that your adult children are pulled in multiple directions. Getting mad because you weren’t invited is being selfish and self centered.

If your lifestyle is so harried that you resent your family, perhaps it is time to make different choices. Lots of people live on one income (and don't give the whole "privileged" argument.). You need to live in a smaller place in the far-out suburbs, drive an old car, etc. Pull your kids out of travel sports and day care. But you all might be happier.

And what if already live like that and still need two incomes? Then will you allow it?

Did I say it was “required”? No, but it is a choice. And you are living with the consequences of your choice. Just want to remind you to consider that you might be choosing things of lesser value. You sound resentful and bitter about your own life choices.

[Anonymous]

In town grandparents get invited to everything: saturday soccer games, awards ceremonies at school, holiday parties at preschool. Out of town grandparents only get invited to major ones: the school plays, dance recitals, graduations. The issue with out of town grandparents is that if I invite out of town people I have to make it into a whole party and host them overnight. We have a graduation next month and while I'm happy they're coming, I'm stressed about what to cook and getting my house cleaned.

And yes, in town grandparents babysit weekly. It's definitely appreciated and we do more things for them because of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In town grandparents get invited to everything: saturday soccer games, awards ceremonies at school, holiday parties at preschool. Out of town grandparents only get invited to major ones: the school plays, dance recitals, graduations. The issue with out of town grandparents is that if I invite out of town people I have to make it into a whole party and host them overnight. We have a graduation next month and while I'm happy they're coming, I'm stressed about what to cook and getting my house cleaned.

And yes, in town grandparents babysit weekly. It's definitely appreciated and we do more things for them because of that.

This is so unbelievably unfair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In town grandparents get invited to everything: saturday soccer games, awards ceremonies at school, holiday parties at preschool. Out of town grandparents only get invited to major ones: the school plays, dance recitals, graduations. The issue with out of town grandparents is that if I invite out of town people I have to make it into a whole party and host them overnight. We have a graduation next month and while I'm happy they're coming, I'm stressed about what to cook and getting my house cleaned.

And yes, in town grandparents babysit weekly. It's definitely appreciated and we do more things for them because of that.

This is so unbelievably unfair.

What part is unfair? How out of town grandparents don't help whatsoever? Agreed. They don't do any work and then get hosted at major events (in town have never spent the night).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I flat out told my mom that if she wanted to be invited to nuclear family things (like school programs) that we needed more help. Quid pro quo. Parents can act like they're so put out to help out a few times, but then at the same time they don't realize at all how much more work it is to host them.

I learned my lesson when I baptized my first child at 6 weeks. I invited grandparents and godparents, but then the hoards descended on me. I had dozens who wanted to stay with me. Instead of taking 6 extra people to a nice luncheon like I planned, I was hosting a meal for 40 at my house (I couldn't afford a lunch out for that many and the restaurant wanted you to rent the room).

Actually PP, they absolutely already know and have been through how much it takes to raise kids. The quid pro quo is they put in their time raising you, showed up to all your events and now you invite them to your kids play.

[Anonymous]

Let them come if they can, soon they will be unable to physically attend. Their attendance will create fond memories for your child as well as teach them about love and family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I flat out told my mom that if she wanted to be invited to nuclear family things (like school programs) that we needed more help. Quid pro quo. Parents can act like they're so put out to help out a few times, but then at the same time they don't realize at all how much more work it is to host them.

I learned my lesson when I baptized my first child at 6 weeks. I invited grandparents and godparents, but then the hoards descended on me. I had dozens who wanted to stay with me. Instead of taking 6 extra people to a nice luncheon like I planned, I was hosting a meal for 40 at my house (I couldn't afford a lunch out for that many and the restaurant wanted you to rent the room).

Actually PP, they absolutely already know and have been through how much it takes to raise kids. The quid pro quo is they put in their time raising you, showed up to all your events and now you invite them to your kids play.

Not PP, but so what? If I invite the unhelpful set of grandparents, I have to take care of my kids AND 2 grown adults who can't even turn on the coffeemaker or get a glass of water. That's not a reasonable expectation for a host with small kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in laws are local and come to school events, sports games, etc. all the time. My parents live out of state and fly up a few times per year, so they’ll attend things if they are here.

DH and I send our parents the kids’ game schedules, include them on birthday party invites, let them know about big school performances, etc. and they can decide what to come to, it’s not like some formal plan. Unless your parents or in-laws are super annoying I don’t see how this is a big deal. I don’t go out of my way to host them or treat them like special guests, so it’s literally zero extra effort for me if they want to come sit through an hour-long band performance.

My in laws have too many health conditions to really do any serious caregiving and my parents live too far away. But I love for my kids to have involved grandparents even if they can’t shuttle them to summer camp or whatever. Of course it would be amazing to have helpful family, but DH and I have figured it all out on our own. It is what it is.

SUPER! I already know more about you than you'd realize.

Can you not read? Your post is ridiculous in your need to chastise op. Her inlaws and parents are nothing like yours. You are intentionally misleading. What a dishonest, manipulative post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I flat out told my mom that if she wanted to be invited to nuclear family things (like school programs) that we needed more help. Quid pro quo. Parents can act like they're so put out to help out a few times, but then at the same time they don't realize at all how much more work it is to host them.

I learned my lesson when I baptized my first child at 6 weeks. I invited grandparents and godparents, but then the hoards descended on me. I had dozens who wanted to stay with me. Instead of taking 6 extra people to a nice luncheon like I planned, I was hosting a meal for 40 at my house (I couldn't afford a lunch out for that many and the restaurant wanted you to rent the room).

Actually PP, they absolutely already know and have been through how much it takes to raise kids. The quid pro quo is they put in their time raising you, showed up to all your events and now you invite them to your kids play.

You make a lot of baseless assumptions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In town grandparents get invited to everything: saturday soccer games, awards ceremonies at school, holiday parties at preschool. Out of town grandparents only get invited to major ones: the school plays, dance recitals, graduations. The issue with out of town grandparents is that if I invite out of town people I have to make it into a whole party and host them overnight. We have a graduation next month and while I'm happy they're coming, I'm stressed about what to cook and getting my house cleaned.

And yes, in town grandparents babysit weekly. It's definitely appreciated and we do more things for them because of that.

This is so unbelievably unfair.

What a childish response. You are going to be like op's inlaws and parents. Often we can't make things fair in life. Grow up and deal with reality.

[Anonymous]

They shouldn’t be invited unless they are providing transport or appropriate snacks or some form of support

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents and ILs want to be invited to everything for DC. Currently MIL is mad at me because we didn’t invite them to a school program. It honestly didn’t occur to me. This was a first school program we as PARENTS had every even been to due to Covid. My grandparents never came to any of my school programs. I doubt my parents invited them. Some times I just want to do things with just our immediate family.

Also, they very rarely offer to help out with DC. I’m in desperate need of help a couple hours 2x a week for the summer that they could easily help with, but nope.

What’s typical for your family? We already see one set of grandparents weekly, another every couple of weeks.

What is typeical for our family is that grandparents and uncles and aunts (both sides) are clued in about events. I also share school or EC events through a google calendar. That way if someone wants to come they do. I will also send info in group chats. We usually take "guests" and the kids afterwards to some $ chain restaurants. Think Tor Taco, Red Lobster, Olive Garden, 5 guys...or order take-outs at home. Sometimes we will get something from chicfila or even Taco Bell.

I have never asked any one to help with kids as I had a nanny/housekeeper at home. I used to WFH and DH and I also tried to be there with the kids as much as we could by staggering our work (inspite of having a nanny/housekeeper). IF grandparents wanted to hang out with the grandkids they were always welcome at our home with the nanny around. Also, when my parents wanted to take kids out to the park etc, the nanny went along. It was not a burden for anyone to take care of my kids because the backup of nanny was always there. At the end of the day - my kids are my responsibility and I would never expect grandparents to help out. Yes, they could enjoy the grandkids and my kids got to enjoy the family BUT they are also elderly, I would never want them to get tired.

Once they get older, almost every activity is on the web, like HS sports schedules. Grandparents should be clued into these, and of course should feel welcome to attend. You’re a control freak if you think these events should be by invitation only.

I’m currently dealing with this problem. All 4 grandparents expect to be invited to every freaking event. If grandkid mentions in passing “My band concert this or that” to Grandma who wasn’t invited, the DRAMA that will ensue is hellish. I will literally never hear the end of it. Even my aunt will call me and say “your mother’s very disappointed that she missed X event.”
Here’s why they are NOT welcome to attend: they are so high maintenance it’s unreal. If we’re sitting on bleachers their backs hurt. If we’re in an auditorium, they need the best prime seating. They show up late and expect to have premium seats saved for them. They can’t find parking and call me demanding to know where to park. If they have to walk for any distance, complaining. They talk throughout the performance including loud observations about other kids. If I shush them they get mad: “seems like you’re in a mood today.” At the scout pancake breakfast they were complaining that there was nothing “keto” for them to eat and “we spent $9 for this breakfast! I didn’t get my moneys worth”.
If they could be unobtrusive they’d be welcome. They seem to think old people’s comfort is the first priority at these events and the kids are secondary.
Phew that felt good to get out.

You're a terrible person.

I see the terrible person and it's the one who ignores abuse and makes other people feel bad for not tolerating it. You and your ilk are a big problem with everything related to children's activities and safety.

I'd bet in real life you wouldn't tolerate one minute of this. You expect everyone else, especially women, to be door mats and tolerate behavior you never would. I volunteered to help with a kid's golf rec league and the only people we had problems with were grandparents. Parents weren't allowed to pick clubs or be on the greens with kids and who ignored all the rules and encouraged their grandchildren to cheat in front of everyone? When I would ask them to please follow the rules I would be ignored, cursed, or complained about. I experienced grandparents being so rude about other children during Tball, yes TBALL, that they were banned from coming to the game.

Just because people get old does not mean we have to throw out all rules about what is acceptable socially. It isn't cute and it isn't ok. Abuse is not ok.