ADHD daughter making the entire family late in the morning and I cannot stop losing it on her

[Anonymous]

Have you tired one parent being assigned to her who walks her through the getting ready steps every single day, while the other parent handles everything else?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At this point I’m calling troll because you don’t actually seem to want advice. Multiple people have provided multiple ideas and you just come up with excuses why it will never work.

I’m not a troll, I’m a parent at my wits end. Thank you to the poster who shared the PDA info, she was not evaluated for that or autism but the description fits her to a t.

Doesn’t matter what her diagnosis is, you need to change your parenting style and expectations immediately or she is only going to get worse as she gets older and you won’t be able to handle her at all and you’ll be asking about residential placement.

I mean the dx matters insofar as it can guide the parenting approach. Kids with PDA-ASD need a vastly different approach.

This is a huge understatement.

[Anonymous]

I am not sure why this won't work:
Sleep in clothes for the day
Short hair, no brushing
Go to bathroom first thing after getting up with 10 minute timer on
Sticker/treat/penny/part of a toy for every minute under 10 she finishes (e.g. if she takes 6 min, she gets 4 legos) OR small treat added to breakfast (e.g. 4 sprinkles); at 10 minutes go in and get her, maybe offer 1 bonus minute if you think it will be productive
Parent sits in door of bathroom with prepped toothbrush and brushes teeth before leaving the doorway
Straight to front door for prepped shoes/coat/backpack
Breakfast given in car
If you arrive at school and breakfast is not eaten, sit with an ipad in front of school while breakfast is eaten. Ipad is paused any moment there is not active chewing/swallowing

[Anonymous]

So what happens when she tantrums? Or acts out? Or is rude to you? It sounds like you live in fear of her displeasure, which is no way to parent.

You tell her to do something and she tantrums? Fine. You’ll wait it out. She acts out? Fine. She just lost a related privilege. She’s rude to you? Fine. She can sit right down where you are and think about how to rephrase.

As everyone else has said, you are allowing your six year old to run the show. And she is telling you with every fiber of her being that this amount of responsibility is terrifying. It sounds like you equate “being in control” with being unkind, when it’s really the kindest thing you can do for your child.

[Anonymous]

I was this way as a young kid. My mom taught me to lay out my clothes the night before, make my lunch (and put it in the fridge the night before), and layout my backpack and shoes. We also laid out my toothbrush and hair supplies on the bathroom counter and planned breakfast. I started figure skating in the mornings before school by 7 or 8 years old, so I had to get up at 4:30 am. For a long time, I slept in my skating clothes and laid everything else out. My dad liked to go to the office very early so he'd drop me off on his way to work then I'd change into my school clothes and be ready when my mom picked me up later in the morning to go from skating to school. To this day I still lay everything out the night before and I workout in the mornings at 5 am. This all worked out really well for me in so many ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Remember, a child with ADHD is delayed about 3 years in maturity level. She will learn to do everything on her own - but it will be later.

100%. I "dressed" my ADHD daughter while we chatted and took her through the same routine every morning until 4th grade. She began to take over most of the steps and is now completely independent though still might need a gentle reminder to brush her teeth or remember her computer charger.

She is now, an 8th grader, a straight A student, super creative and an overall good kid with a healthy self esteem. And we have a close relationship.

Parents - your young ADHD kids are not trying to torture you or make you late on purpose. Have a little compassion and ignore the type A super moms who have it all wired. You have a different kid - be patient and loving and do what works until your kid is mature enough to take on these habits.

As a side note, my oldest son is also ADHD and we shamed him (unintentionally) and nagged him, and guess what - it didn't click for him until 8th grade either. And he still has self esteem issues around organization. (And was an angry teenager) I wish we had been more patient with him.

Thank you. My doctor said not to dress her and that we were enabling her. Honestly I just want to cry. My other kid is SN (entirely other issues) and I just am at the end of my rope with the two of them.

If you're at the end of your rope, forget that doctor. I'm the pp from the first page w/the 6yo boy. His ADHD is clinically severe. He sounds very similar to your daughter actually. We are in a tricky situation in that he will only take a liquid form of ADHD medication so it's not possible to give a "booster" at school so to speak. This means that during the school week we wait until the last possible minute to give him his ADHD medication so that he can get through a school day without issue. It also means that during the week his time with us in the morning and evening is unmedicated. It is HARD. Do what you have to for things to be easier on you during the week-even if that means dressing her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At this point I’m calling troll because you don’t actually seem to want advice. Multiple people have provided multiple ideas and you just come up with excuses why it will never work.

I’m not a troll, I’m a parent at my wits end. Thank you to the poster who shared the PDA info, she was not evaluated for that or autism but the description fits her to a t.

How and where did you get an ADHD diagnosis for a 6 yr old girl and that autism wasn't part of that evaluation?

Just the ADD panel was done.

Who did you see for the ADD panel? What type of professional?

Autism
Pathological Demand Avoidance
Tourette’s
Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria
Oppositional Defiance Disorder
Sensory issues

This seems bigger / different than just ADHD. Meds may take the edge off and help the behavioral supports work or give her enough control to benefit from them. Until and ideally after meds start - Iron supplements. Melatonin for sleep. Frequent, strenuous exercise. Screw the lovingly packed lunches you are “staying up for”. Deal with nutrition once you get the other stuff under control. Give her protein bars cut into bite size pieces if needed. Supplement with vitamins. Get to the root cause and triggers. She probably feels as out of control as you do.

[Anonymous]

You mention several times that if you do something, she tantrums/screams/etc as if that's unexpected or a reason for you not to do something.
If she's unhappy or doesn't want to do something she very well may tantrum. OK. Big deal. Kids do that sometimes. And the tantrums may very well ramp up when you institute some clear guidelines and rules.
That's when it's up to you as a parent to have more persistence and patience than the six year old. You can't give in and let her have toys at the breakfast table just because she throws a tantrum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For my 6yo ADHD son, we just don't do independence during the school/work week. We tried it and it just caused us to be late and yelling/miserable constantly. Instead, if he won't get out of bed we carry him downstairs to the couch. We then get his clothes and help him dress. Next we stand by the bathroom door making sure he does everything he needs to do. We get him breakfast and sit next to him while he eats. When it's time to go, we get his shoes and help him put them on and then grab his jacket while walking out the door. It stinks but the alternative was exactly what you describe. We practice independence on the weekends and holidays. That's our bandwidth right now.

You should be practicing independence everyday. I understand difficulty in the morning but practice it at night if you must. They aren’t going to gain independence just by doing it on the weekend and holidays. They needed repetition. You are setting him up to be dependent on you for basic life skills well past the age he should need that.

Not on school mornings at 6 years old. Hell no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At this point I’m calling troll because you don’t actually seem to want advice. Multiple people have provided multiple ideas and you just come up with excuses why it will never work.

I’m not a troll, I’m a parent at my wits end. Thank you to the poster who shared the PDA info, she was not evaluated for that or autism but the description fits her to a t.

How and where did you get an ADHD diagnosis for a 6 yr old girl and that autism wasn't part of that evaluation?

Just the ADD panel was done.

Who did you see for the ADD panel? What type of professional?

Autism
Pathological Demand Avoidance
Tourette’s
Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria
Oppositional Defiance Disorder
Sensory issues

This seems bigger / different than just ADHD. Meds may take the edge off and help the behavioral supports work or give her enough control to benefit from them. Until and ideally after meds start - Iron supplements. Melatonin for sleep. Frequent, strenuous exercise. Screw the lovingly packed lunches you are “staying up for”. Deal with nutrition once you get the other stuff under control. Give her protein bars cut into bite size pieces if needed. Supplement with vitamins. Get to the root cause and triggers. She probably feels as out of control as you do.

Agree with this. An appointment with a psychiatrist may take a long time, so go ahead and read up about all of these and see if any of them seem to fit. Then work from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a PP who agrees with the comment above about maybe you are allowing too much time. I looked back at your schedule and you are short of 2 hours for a morning routine. That is a loooong time. We are up and out within the hour. It's true re the urgency - ADHD loves a race.

I WISH this was true. I have tried challenges and races. She gets stressed out. Hey, I bet you can’t get dressed in 20 seconds. I’m gonna turn my back and count to 20 and see if you can do it! She will wail, mommy, no! You’re making it a contest, stop it! This alone can cause tears. When I’m being playful and silly.

She’s inattentive. She lives in her head and is constantly daydreaming. Anything can distract her on a moments notice - a thought or idea, a utensil, a toy, an article of clothing. Even in a simplified environment she finds something to engage with.

I understand we have to find something to motivate her but we can’t. She is like that dog that chases squirrels in Up. She can’t focus long enough to finish tasks to completion unless it’s of her own volition, and being “forced” to go to school is something she hates and doesn’t want to do.

I don’t know how you motivate a child like this.

And yes, we are working with her doctor. She’s been recommending medication for a while but her appetite and eating are already not great and neither is weight gain and she’s very small for her age

so we have been putting it off, as well as concerns about interactions with asthma meds she’s already on that cause other behavior issues.

It all sounds really hard, OP. My suggestion is to give yourself permission to focus on yourself for a bit. What can you do to restore your energy a bit in order to support your DD? Or what are some things you can do with your daughter to have some happy memories?

Remember, this too shall pass.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP.

I don't like the schedule you laid out. Fifty minutes for a breakfast she doesn't even want is absurd.

More importantly, WHY is breakfast BEFORE getting dressed? Get her up (later, because breakfast does not need to be that long), do bathroom time, then dress her, THEN she gets to go to breakfast ONLY once she is ready. If she gets dressed on time and eats breakfast.

WHy doesn't she want to eat? That's weird. Is your food gross?

[Anonymous]

OP, I have not read all the responses, but this is very familiar to me. My 18 year old ones like that around the same age. There were two things that made a difference. The first one is a picture book where you go over every step of the morning routine with your child either you draw the picture or did they draw the picture and label it and put it together in a book, or like we did taping the pages of the picture around his bedroom. If you do the book, you may have to go over that book every night for weeks with your child before they go to bed. Then, you do have to monitor them to make sure they’re doing each step and remind them of each step every single day. The other one is to forget punishment, and yelling. Use rewards. Find her currency and literally dangle it in front of her to get things done. Whatever it is use it to your advantage. I guarantee you that rewards work infinitely better with an adhd child than punishment does.

No, this is not magic and things will not change drastically overnight. It is a process, but if you stick with the process, I guarantee you things will get better.

[Anonymous]

She needs more structure and support. Plan your morning to guide her at each step and help her. Do a morning routine chart. Most kids aren't independent at age 6, let alone one with ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP.

I don't like the schedule you laid out. Fifty minutes for a breakfast she doesn't even want is absurd.

More importantly, WHY is breakfast BEFORE getting dressed? Get her up (later, because breakfast does not need to be that long), do bathroom time, then dress her, THEN she gets to go to breakfast ONLY once she is ready. If she gets dressed on time and eats breakfast.

WHy doesn't she want to eat? That's weird. Is your food gross?

Are you the parent of a SN child? Because you sure don't sound like it.