I made a huge mistake. Never should have Married DH. Now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I wasn't trying to go into a lot of details but I guess I have to in order to justify my feelings and frustrations. Here you go.
Dh was first in family to have kids. Enmeshed codependent dynamic. MIL encourages it. FIL passed away years ago.
I was to be induced, and we let both sides of family know that they could come over to meet baby a day or 2 after we got settled at home. Pre-covid baby.
Siblings messaged me angrily asking why they and MIL were not allowed to camp out in hospital and be there when baby born. "How can you all do this to us and mom?"
DH lost his spine (strike 1) and asked if I would reconsider. I said no.
We got home from hospital, i had c section, we reached out to family and let them know they were welcome anytime.
MIL and siblings said they were busy and asked if we could bring the 6 day old baby to their homes.
We said no. DH muttered something under his breath "if you had just let them come to the hospital this wouldn't be happening."
Theme- i should just go along with what his family wants, despite my own preferences or wishes.
A few days go by, they still had not come over. Until....DH told them that my parents were driving up from out of state. SUddenly they rushed over. They live 15 min away.
They showed up empty handed which I found strange. Not a card, balloon, teddy bear, etc. We asked them if they wanted to hold her. They all said no.
DH had to run to CVS to get a rx for me. While alone with all of them, MIL asked me what was for dinner. Recovering from a section, pumping, nursing. She asked me what the dinner plan was.
I told her it would be super helpful if she could call in or coordinate some take out since I had my hands full. She laughed, thinking I was joking. She then asked to see the menu "from wherever you order from so I can place a to go order for myself."
I could not make this up if I tried.
Dh comes back home. Brother asks DH if he can take him to Dulles in the morning for a flight. We live in Shaw. DH said no. MIL chastised DH for not "supporting family" and not helping his brother.
Mercifully, they go home. They did not see the baby for another 3 months. Declined all visits and had reasons why they were n/a.
I commented on the lack of visits- DH blamed me. "You set the tone and pushed everyone away by not allowing them to come to hospital.
Theme- it is never them and what they do. My reaction is the problem not their actions.
FFwd to baptism. We invited everyone and they showed up, as if everything were normal and pretending as if they had only met her once. Raving to family about baby's temperament, personality, looks etc. Strange. Fake.
During baptism lunch, DH walked over to brother with baby and asked someone to take a photo of them. He asked brother to hold niece for the first time. He said no. Back at the table, he commented "jokingly" that it was unfortunate we had a girl, because "it was guaranteed a girl child of ours would be the b word."

In the car on the way home, I declared to DH that I was done. He repeated the refrain- "well maybe if you had not pushed my family away and been a bi$ch to them, none of this would be happening. You made them feel unwelcome and now we are paying the price."

Mental gymnastics that they are saints and I am always the bad  guy. 100% unwilling to see any faults in them. 100% always my fault.

DH lost his spine (strike 1) and asked if I would reconsider. I said no.
OOOH, he *asked* you to *reconsider.*

We said no. DH muttered something under his breath "if you had just let them come to the hospital this wouldn't be happening."
OOOH, he *muttered something.*

They showed up empty handed which I found strange. Not a card, balloon, teddy bear, etc. We asked them if they wanted to hold her. They all said no.
OOOH, they didn't bring a gift or want to hold the baby. WOWWWWW, now it's getting real dead serious.

DH had to run to CVS to get a rx for me. While alone with all of them, MIL asked me what was for dinner. Recovering from a section, pumping, nursing. She asked me what the dinner plan was.
I told her it would be super helpful if she could call in or coordinate some take out since I had my hands full. She laughed, thinking I was joking. She then asked to see the menu "from wherever you order from so I can place a to go order for myself."
So you said no and just ordered a pizza like a normal person?

I could not make this up if I tried.
You should try. You should try to make up more, because none of this is "cut your family off" bad.

Dh comes back home. Brother asks DH if he can take him to Dulles in the morning for a flight. We live in Shaw. DH said no. MIL chastised DH for not "supporting family" and not helping his brother.
OOOH, someone ASKED for something, and DH said no. What a dramatic story.

Mercifully, they go home. They did not see the baby for another 3 months. Declined all visits and had reasons why they were n/a.
Wait, which is it? They're horrible people, or you want them to be around you and your baby more? Pick a lane: which is it?

I commented on the lack of visits- DH blamed me. "You set the tone and pushed everyone away by not allowing them to come to hospital.
Theme- it is never them and what they do. My reaction is the problem not their actions.
Your reaction is PART of the problem. Sounds like they are fairly selfish and clueles...so why are you complaining that they don't come around more often, again? Which is it?


FFwd to baptism. We invited everyone and they showed up, as if everything were normal and pretending as if they had only met her once. Raving to family about baby's temperament, personality, looks etc. Strange. Fake.
So now, when they are doing what you want them to do--show up and fawn--they are "fake." Got it.

During baptism lunch, DH walked over to brother with baby and asked someone to take a photo of them. He asked brother to hold niece for the first time. He said no. Back at the table, he commented "jokingly" that it was unfortunate we had a girl, because "it was guaranteed a girl child of ours would be the b word."
The comment was rude, but not wanting to hold a baby is not rude.

In the car on the way home, I declared to DH that I was done. He repeated the refrain- "well maybe if you had not pushed my family away and been a bi$ch to them, none of this would be happening. You made them feel unwelcome and now we are paying the price."
You have been a b to them. Out of one corner of your mouth, you are complaining that they don't visit/hold baby/bring gifts. But when they do, they are "fake." You go on and on about how horrible they are--so you want them to be around more? PICK A LANE.

Mental gymnastics that they are saints and I am always the bad  guy. 100% unwilling to see any faults in them. 100% always my fault.

You want to talk mental gymnastics? "My ILs are horrible people who treat us badly...AND they don't visit enough! AND when they do visit, they're fake!" There's your mental gymnastics.

DH's family has entered the chat

Care to actually try to address that point? Hmm? Care to actually take a stab at it? If my ILs were horrible/rude, I would want to see ***less of them,*** and I wouldn't want them around my baby. I would do cartwheels for every time I didn't have to see them. Heck, my ILs are all-around very nice and fairly unproblematic, and I would still like to see less of them. So please, by all means: take a shot and rationally try to explain to me how OP is justified in thinking they are horrible people, AND wanting them to visit/hold/give gifts more? I would love to see you try to make sense of that. Can you?

Well? Hmm? Cat got your tongue? Still waiting for you to address this point.

[Anonymous]

And always keep your voice and emotions in control, if you are loud or visibly upset, nobody pays attention to substance in your arguments or validity of your complaints. Its not an attractive or dignified look nor a good example for your child. Fight fair and politely.

[Anonymous]

Taking down holiday decorations. He cannot find the card sent by his sister. He just accused me of throwing it away.
"I know this sounds stupid and petty but I would not put it past you to purposely throw away the card my sister sent"
Is this real life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Taking down holiday decorations. He cannot find the card sent by his sister. He just accused me of throwing it away.
"I know this sounds stupid and petty but I would not put it past you to purposely throw away the card my sister sent"
Is this real life.

This is insane. Like petty BS fights between two eight year old siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Taking down holiday decorations. He cannot find the card sent by his sister. He just accused me of throwing it away.
"I know this sounds stupid and petty but I would not put it past you to purposely throw away the card my sister sent"
Is this real life.

This is insane. Like petty BS fights between two eight year old siblings.

Did you throw away the card though? My eight year old sibling would totally do that to be passive aggressive and spiteful. Sounds about right.

[Anonymous]

And then you come and report it to your girlfriends.

Um, I mean, DCUM.

[Anonymous]

I am floored by OP wanting people to hold the baby.

Why? Just why? Young childless men are NOT interested in your spawn. They don’t get what a big life change it is (see, asking for airport ride).

I wouldn’t know where to order from in a neighborhood that isn’t mine, either. But people do need to eat.

OP, you need to calm down and get some PPD meds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am floored by OP wanting people to hold the baby.

Why? Just why? Young childless men are NOT interested in your spawn. They don’t get what a big life change it is (see, asking for airport ride).

I wouldn’t know where to order from in a neighborhood that isn’t mine, either. But people do need to eat.

OP, you need to calm down and get some PPD meds.

The young childless brother was 35.
MIL and siblings live 15 minutes from me.
But I get your drift. You think I am hysterical.

[Anonymous]

Did you throw away the card? Come on, we won't tell him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other than his mom and brother, what else is a mistake? Honestly that all sounds annoying, but not enough to divorce over. Especially if you don't see them every day or even every week.

It's not just about the annoying things. It is the mindset that his family can do no wrong. They always get the benefit of the doubt and I get none.
Boundaries- his words are that families with boundaries are not close families. That is a quote.
The way he treats his family vs mine. My family is consistent and predictably helpful. His is not. A good example of this. My mom has sent us a check every month since birth for our baby- to spend however we see fit. He nods, says nothing, Certainly does not call or text her thank you.
His mom sent one toy and a book. He told me I needed to call her or write a thank you note. Double standards.
Also, he was unemployed/underemployed for a long time. I sent him job posting after job posting. He rejected 99% of them. Said he would rather hold out for a dream job than settle.
By settle, you mean contribute to your family's bills. I lost a lot of respect for him after that. I busted my ass to be the sole provider for almost a year, with a new baby.
Because he didnt want to settle for a job that was not interesting to him.

Did he end up finding the kind of job he wanted?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am floored by OP wanting people to hold the baby.

Why? Just why? Young childless men are NOT interested in your spawn. They don’t get what a big life change it is (see, asking for airport ride).

I wouldn’t know where to order from in a neighborhood that isn’t mine, either. But people do need to eat.

OP, you need to calm down and get some PPD meds.

The young childless brother was 35.
MIL and siblings live 15 minutes from me.
But I get your drift. You think I am hysterical.

You are, you nutjob drama queen.

[Anonymous]

None of this is divorce worthy. I think you both need marital counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am floored by OP wanting people to hold the baby.

Why? Just why? Young childless men are NOT interested in your spawn. They don’t get what a big life change it is (see, asking for airport ride).

I wouldn’t know where to order from in a neighborhood that isn’t mine, either. But people do need to eat.

OP, you need to calm down and get some PPD meds.

The young childless brother was 35.
MIL and siblings live 15 minutes from me.
But I get your drift. You think I am hysterical.

Did you post here just in the hopes that everybody would agree with you or did you actually want some unbiased opinions from people who don't know any of you?
Is it possible for anyone to give you a helpful opinion while only hearing your side of this?
Maybe you ought to quit defending yourself here to people who have nothing to do with your situation and instead reflect on what people have said and try to find the truth in your situation which is somewhere in between your truth and the inlaws truth and your husband's truth.
Or would you prefer to just think of all of them as the bad guys?

[Anonymous]

I think it is clear that OP is responsible for a very large share of the dysfunction and refuses to acknowledge it. Not much more that can be said in this thread.

[Anonymous]

You left out the huge part where you're the problem.