Need a coping mechanism for dealing with my brother
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Anonymous
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My younger brother and I have grown apart considerably in the last 10 years (were never really close, we have a 5 year age-difference, etc. etc). Anyway, last year, per my Dad's request, we took him on a weeklong trip through Colorado for his 80th birthday with the understanding that my brother and I would split the cost. Half the plane ticket, half the hotel rooms, half the meals, half the transportation. We can both afford it.
Spouses were invited, but my husband opted to stay home with our daughter as she was not quite old enough for this kind of trip (2.5). Anyway, my brother brings his wife and since they have a room, he refuses to reimburse me half the cost of the room I had to share with my Dad. Dad ends up being too old to remain at altitude so he is up all night panicking and I am literally only getting 3 or 4 hours of sleep every night due to this. On about the 5th day, at my wits end, I ask (beg) my brother to at least share with dad for one night so I can one nights sleep so I can function. His wife tells me off and they skip out on dinner opting to go barhopping in Durango. The next day, my dad has had enough of the altitude and needs to go home. I find a last minute plane ticket out of Denver the next morning for my dad and now we need to drive the 7 hours to the airport. Unable to get to get a rental car in rural CO, I end up having to take the car my brother rented (we had other family members who they ended up in a car with) and drive 8 hours to Aurora, CO (on no f-ing sleep! They were clearly hungover) to make the flight. I get yet another hotel room, pay for an expensive dinner (that poor dad fell asleep in the middle of) and get him on his flight in the morning. I then pay my change fee and get sent to an airport far away from my intended destination. A total shit show to say the least, but Dad got home okay and that's all that matters. My brother continues on the trip and tells me he even got a couple hundred back on the car since it was returned a few days early. A couple weeks later, I tally up the costs and send my brother his amount. Radio silence. I remind him that he still hasn't paid me the half of mom's Christmas present that he agreed to (and was his idea) and he's all "Sorry. Didn't know" and I go, "NBD. Just add it to the check". More radio silence! Meanwhile, he's on FB taking more vacations and buying expensive shit for his dog and a pair of F-ing jetskis! I ask for the money again, to no avail and then basically let it go. Fast forward to now and I haven't heard from him since July of last year. Dad had just been released from the hospital (pneumonia) and my brother had driven down (they are on the west coast) and done some yard work and had "Paid a yard boy and it sure would be nice if I could help him out with "OUR PARENTS" and maybe make a contribution. I go well, I've been waiting for what you owe me, I take care of ordering Dad's collectors items for him off of eBay and he's quite a bit in the hole for some of that, and I just paid for mom to come visit and now I am going to pay for camp for our daughter so I will take a pass. I feel like I make a considerable contribution already and it's nice to have someone else finally paying for something. Keep a tally of what you're spending and tell me when you get to $2000 and we can talk. Until then, I am perfectly comfortable letting you pay for those things". Anyway, he said "I knew you would be like that. You always are". and then hung up on me. It comes as no surprise because he is the quintessential guy who only cares about other people when he needs something, but those of you in similar situations. How do you deal with this? I don't want to fight him on anything but he is combative and unreasonable at every turn. I can't have my bloodpressure go up everytime I interact with him. It also puts me in a terrible mood. Dad has been diagnosed with cancer and I imagine all the shit is gonna hit the fan soon so I need a way that I can deal with and respond without going crazy. |
Anonymous
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You start by having no expectations of him. You are both poor communicators and have different ideas on how to work things out. You already knew he was unreliable when it comes to repaying debt so rather than keep a tally, you should just pay for those things you are willing to pay for and not have any expectations of him. Like you said, you can afford it.
FWIW You were way out of line expecting him to pay for any of your lodgings on the Colorado trip. YOU chose to share a room with your dad and paid no more money than if you had your own room. More than half the shit you wrote about isn't pertinent to the 'issue' you have with your brother. |
Anonymous
| Stop splitting costs with him. |
Anonymous
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Brothers like to read 2 sentences. Maybe 3. Practice being concise
In everything. In life. |
Anonymous
| Ignore him and ignore his request for payments. If he can buy watercraft, he can pay for a few things. Just like you can't get him to pay you back, he can force you to make a contribution. It will even out eventually, and then avoid him! |
Anonymous
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Did you have to share a room with your dad? Did you know that going in? That seems like your first mistake and, no, you shouldn't have expected your brother to split that cost. Your brother should pay for half of your father's air fair and his meals. Were you expecting him to pay a portion of your meals? Why did you pay for a very expensive meal when you were heading back?
It does seem like you set yourself up to be taken advantage of and now you know better. Your brother is a lout and the only way to deal with financial issues that involve your father is to clearly communicate in advance with your brother and not to pay any part of anything that he is responsible for. |
Anonymous
NP. more accurately, stop fronting costs and expecting him to pay you back for half. Split things like he pays for yard work and you pay for house cleaning or something. |
Anonymous
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I agree with pp. Leave out half of the crap you've said to him. What you have to pay for your kid's camp has nothing to do with this. Tell him to pay you now for your mother's gift and never split anything with him again. Ignore all of his requests for payment for anything unless you feel you really owe him.
You really aren't doing a good job of communicating. I would also not agree to paying for things that weren't discussed first. I'm wondering if you didn't throw in some things when you tallied things up that he didn't expect. |
Anonymous
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I agree with most of the pps. You should write this off as a learning experience and stop splitting costs with him. You know it's not going to go well. Pay for what you're willing to pay for. Do the things you're willing to do. Don't let anyone, including yourself talk you into something that's just going to end up frustrating you.
Sorry, OP, this sucks but you can't change your brother. |
Anonymous
| Stop doing things jointly with him. Pay for what you feel comfortable. Let the past go, stop arguing over what was already spent. |
Anonymous
| He's a cheap, embarrassing POS and after your dad passes, you won't have much to do with him. And for the better. Just try to do right by your dad and forget your ridiculous brother. |
Anonymous
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I’m curious how much you think your brother owed you for the hotel room you shared with your father? From what you wrote, it seems like you were expecting him to pay half. But that would mean he’d pay for your father’s share 100%. To be fair, paying for yourself means paying 50% of the room’s cost. The other 50% was your father’s cost and is what should’ve been split by you and your brother. So your brother only owes you only 25% of the cost of the room, not 50%.
This is important, because to your brother, it may seem like you’re trying to take advantage of him, which would explain some of his hostility towards you. Some communities offer mediation services. If you really can’t talk to your brother, but you have to regarding your father’s care, you may want to get a mediator’s help in clearly defining the issues and coming up with solutions that are fair to each of you. And a therapist may help you learn how to calm your emotions and communicate more effectively. |
Anonymous
This is my advice too. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
I don't think op should make her brother pay anything for the room. She paid for one room, he paid for one room. If op isn't strapped for cash, it's ridiculous to split it up this way. But you're right, and hopefully op can see this perspective, that if she wants to split everything for her father evenly, she's incorrect about the room. Op, did you try to"split the cost" of the trip similarly wonky in other aspects, too? |