How do you convey discontent without pouting?

[Anonymous]

DH and I have basically one issue (he treats me like a sibling rather than wife) that we have discussed to death over the past 15 years. And by discussed, I mean I give examples of my complaints and specifics of what I want, all while sobbing and dripping snot everywhere, it's a mess and no fun for either of us. He promises to try harder, but never does.

My unhappiness creeps into my mind every single day, and some days I find it hard to hide but don't have the energy to go through the whole emotionally draining discussion yet again amd to no avail. I might isolate myself or seem blue, and he'll ask, is everything ok? And I'll muster my cheeriest "yep!" because I don't know how else to handle it.

I want him to know my complaints are serious and important, without moping around constantly. He seems to think if im not actively crying in that specific moment everything's cool, like I have split personalities or something. I dont know how to handle it.

[Anonymous]

That dripping snotty cry you're doing is a control tactic because you don't know how to get what you want in a dignified way otherwise. Better learn quickly, because you're becoming more and more unbearable.

[Anonymous]

You express it by using your words. At a certain point, though, you have to accept that if you keep talking about it and nothing changes, it's never going to change, and you have to decide if you can live with it or not.

I'm not sure what you mean by treating you like a sibling rather than a wife, though.

[Anonymous]

Maybe cut out the sobbing and being a mess and just talk about how you are feeling.

It will take a period of adjustment for him but in the long run will give him a forum to discuss the issue, as right now it odes't seem there is a forum to do that. When one person is very emotional (yelling, crying) the other person has to respond to that emotion and consider that emotion rather than being an equal participant in the discussion. It gives all the control to one person.

[Anonymous]

You mean he treats you like a buddy instead of a marriage partner? Start treating him the same way, and see if he enjoys it. Also, siblings are not intimate. One of you should probably move into another room if he wants to live with a pretend sibling. Stop crying, and start playing the game better than he does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe cut out the sobbing and being a mess and just talk about how you are feeling.

It will take a period of adjustment for him but in the long run will give him a forum to discuss the issue, as right now it odes't seem there is a forum to do that. When one person is very emotional (yelling, crying) the other person has to respond to that emotion and consider that emotion rather than being an equal participant in the discussion. It gives all the control to one person.

Which is exactly why she does it. Which is exactly why his needs will never get met. Which is why he thinks of her as a roommate. Which is why he's going to get his needs met elsewhere.

OP, YOU IN DANGER, GURLL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That dripping snotty cry you're doing is a control tactic because you don't know how to get what you want in a dignified way otherwise. Better learn quickly, because you're becoming more and more unbearable.

OP here. I don't do it intentionally . I just have so much hurt and sadness bubbling right beneath the surface, that the second I let myself think about it, the tears come, with him or alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You mean he treats you like a buddy instead of a marriage partner? Start treating him the same way, and see if he enjoys it. Also, siblings are not intimate. One of you should probably move into another room if he wants to live with a pretend sibling. Stop crying, and start playing the game better than he does.

We already have separate rooms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You mean he treats you like a buddy instead of a marriage partner? Start treating him the same way, and see if he enjoys it. Also, siblings are not intimate. One of you should probably move into another room if he wants to live with a pretend sibling. Stop crying, and start playing the game better than he does.

We already have separate rooms.

This marriage is over unless you learn to cope with your difficulties. It probably is over anyway, I'm afraid. I don't know you guys, but separate rooms tells me enough. You need help as quickly as possible. This is dire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That dripping snotty cry you're doing is a control tactic because you don't know how to get what you want in a dignified way otherwise. Better learn quickly, because you're becoming more and more unbearable.

OP here. I don't do it intentionally . I just have so much hurt and sadness bubbling right beneath the surface, that the second I let myself think about it, the tears come, with him or alone.

Xanax - seriously - it will help you calm down

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That dripping snotty cry you're doing is a control tactic because you don't know how to get what you want in a dignified way otherwise. Better learn quickly, because you're becoming more and more unbearable.

OP here. I don't do it intentionally . I just have so much hurt and sadness bubbling right beneath the surface, that the second I let myself think about it, the tears come, with him or alone.

What are his needs? Do you know?

[Anonymous]

Marriage counseling. Although honestly it sounds like your marriage is dead and has been for awhile, just neither one of you want to formally end it. Marriage counseling could still be a good option though. May give you the definitive answer that your marriage is over

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marriage counseling. Although honestly it sounds like your marriage is dead and has been for awhile, just neither one of you want to formally end it. Marriage counseling could still be a good option though. May give you the definitive answer that your marriage is over

Just want to add , individual counseling may help too. I hate to say it, but if divorce is the end result, I think it's going to have to be you who initiates it. Your husband seems pretty content with how things are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe cut out the sobbing and being a mess and just talk about how you are feeling.

It will take a period of adjustment for him but in the long run will give him a forum to discuss the issue, as right now it odes't seem there is a forum to do that. When one person is very emotional (yelling, crying) the other person has to respond to that emotion and consider that emotion rather than being an equal participant in the discussion. It gives all the control to one person.

Which is exactly why she does it. Which is exactly why his needs will never get met. Which is why he thinks of her as a roommate. Which is why he's going to get his needs met elsewhere.

OP, YOU IN DANGER, GURLL.

Yep. The crying completes invalidates the other person's point of view and any needs they have. It becomes all about the crier.

Op you have to get the emotion out somewhere else - not in the conversation about the issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have basically one issue (he treats me like a sibling rather than wife) that we have discussed to death over the past 15 years. And by discussed, I mean I give examples of my complaints and specifics of what I want, all while sobbing and dripping snot everywhere, it's a mess and no fun for either of us. He promises to try harder, but never does.

My unhappiness creeps into my mind every single day, and some days I find it hard to hide but don't have the energy to go through the whole emotionally draining discussion yet again amd to no avail. I might isolate myself or seem blue, and he'll ask, is everything ok? And I'll muster my cheeriest "yep!" because I don't know how else to handle it.

I want him to know my complaints are serious and important, without moping around constantly. He seems to think if im not actively crying in that specific moment everything's cool, like I have split personalities or something. I dont know how to handle it.

I don't even know what that means. Can you give us some examples? Like no sex? No kissing??