Should the ex spouse be mentioned in the obituary?

[Anonymous]

My husband and I recently attended the funeral of a dear friend of his. The friend was newly remarried (2 years; no kids) at the time of his death; however, he had been married to his first wife for over 20 years and they had three children together. The first wife was not mentioned in the obituary even though most of his prime years were spent with her. She was present at the funeral and she sat with their children. I don't recall them having a contentious relationship, although one never knows the inner workings of a relationship. My heart hurt for her to have not been mentioned, as she was clearly saddened by his death and grieving for the children. My husband said he thinks it's pretty standard to leave the ex out.

[Anonymous]

Seems very petty and potentially hurtful to the children. But you never know why they did this.

[Anonymous]

Stay out of it. Neither one is weird, and as you say, you have no idea what went on over there. I’m pretty sure the new wife won’t put me in the obit of my ex, even though we have children together, and I’m still going to go to the funeral if he goes before me.

[Anonymous]

Why on earth mention the ex???

What if you have multiple exes...do you mention all of them?

[Anonymous]

There is nothing wrong with leaving out the ex, no matter how long they were together. Obituaries usually list surviving family, not everyone who had an important part in the person’s life. After all, how often do you see life-long friends listed in someone’s obituary?

[Anonymous]

There’s no “should” here. The obit writers can publish pretty much whatever they want, and maybe it didn’t occur to him/her/them to include the ex.

[Anonymous]

NP, I was not only listed in my ex's obit, but two pictures of us together were included as well. We had a good relationship post divorce, as well as children and he did not remarry.

[Anonymous]

I just wrote my mother’s obituary. My parents had been divorced for twenty years. Married for thirty prior to that. Everyone got along. (Dad remarried). Mentioned Dad and wife in obituary as survivors. They were a part of her life. As the obituary writer, you can out whatever you want on there. Doesn’t even have to be the truth!

[Anonymous]

No, she's probably glad she's dead. I could just see it now. XXX, mother of his children

[Anonymous]

At my ex's funeral the pastor mistakenly referred to me as his wife at the burial. I believe it pissed his girlfriend off something terrible.

[Anonymous]

I think it has the do with how close the ex spouses remianed.

[Anonymous]

In my case, if anything happened to me my husband would automatically put my ex-husband's name in the obituary. It would never occur to him to not do it, because we all have a close relationship. Everyone is different.

[Anonymous]

I haven't seen many obits where an ex is mentioned by name. They're generally written by the current spouse or an adult child.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't expect a divorced spouse to be included in an obit but when my DH's elderly relative died I was shocked that his new wife of less than two years did not mention his first (deceased) wife of 62 years. She was even in their social circle and as far as we all knew there wasn't any hard feelings. I thought it was tacky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth mention the ex???

What if you have multiple exes...do you mention all of them?

If you have common courtesy you do. Especially if it was marriage of 10 years or more and they have kids. Even just "John Smith is survived by his loving wife Elizabeth Smith, three kids Jack Smith, Margaret Smith, and Rachel Smith, as well as his parents Mitchell and Barbara Smith and his children Alex Smith-Ross and Sarah Smith-Ross by Elana Ross. He was a father, brother, and loving member of the community blah blah blah".