Does reunification therapy work?

[Anonymous]

Does reunification therapy work?
Does anyone have experience with this?
What was your outcome?

My ex has kept the kids from me and we have been in court over it for about half a year. The psychologist, parenting facilitator, lawyers have decided that my ex has alienated the kids from me. It only took fifteen thousand dollars for the experts to figure that out. Now they are recommending reunification therapy which is not covered by medical insurance. I've spoken with 7 or 8 therapists that do this sort of thing and I've had had 2 of them tell me flat out that it doesn't work. Many others had various excuses for not wanting to take the case.

The problem is that its not just the past 6 months of damage. Their mom has been influencing them for the past 7 years following the divorce. It has been an ongoing struggle.

I'm wondering if it just might be better for the kids to not try and force them to every come back to my house and rather negotiate some sort of arrangement where I at least get to speak with them on the phone and maybe do dinner in public once a month. I'm actually nervous about being alone with the kids because I don't know what they might accuse me of (or rather what their mom might say).

The hope is I could keep communication open and maybe when they grow up they will have a change of heart.

Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

I would not negotiate. They will only get to know you being in your house, with a room and stuff of their own seeing you are not the person your ex made you out to sound. Agree to the therapy but ask them to recommend someone given your experience. It can be useless, backfire or be helpful. I'd get the kids in individual instead and maybe just do twice a month if it is forced. You are lucky if someone is listening and it only cost $15K.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to give it your best shot because THAT is what will make the difference when they are grown and out of the house and away from their mother's influence. Sitting back and not making EVERY effort will not result in anything other than the children remaining alienated. So keep pressing and trying to find a therapist who will help.

I agree that seeing them in a public setting or with a third party present or one-on-one in a public setting might be better than having to drag them kicking and screaming into a house that they probably have been told is the den of you-know-who.

I think that YOU need to find a good family counselor for YOU and get some guidance on how to interact with your kids. It will not be pleasant and you will need to know that it isn't about you but about your kids. You will need some strategies for keeping your cool, not becoming too emotional and lashing out, etc. You will need some strategies for basic conversation with kids who either will ignore you or blast you.

Keep trying. Your kids are depending on you whether they realize it or not.

[Anonymous]

Totally agree with the advice for you to go alone to therapy and get some strategies together. A reunification therapist will have a good idea of what the issue will be and can help you formulate responses.

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids OP?

[Anonymous]

My husband's ex inlaws have done this to his kids. Probably not to the extent your ex wife has. But he did switch when the kids were teens or so, to just having dinner out with them once a week or so. And they text. It's sad they don't have weekends over here anymore. But at least he's been able to keep a relationship going.

The only time I've known reunification therapy to be court-ordered, it was actually the father who was alienating his own son, and the therapy was to repair their relationship. And the father had no interest in doing it, so of course it didn't work.

I agree with PP who said perhaps get your own therapist and find some strategies that might maintain contact with your kids. One helpful thing is maintaining boundaries about discussions. If you get into discussions where you are always defending yourself, you will lose out.

The kids "will" figure out what's going on when they are adults themselves -- if you can at least keep some regular contact.

[Anonymous]

This is a very tough situation.

I was the child in this situation. I think it’s very noble that you are considering this route because as a parent I know this would kill me to have to do. This is what my dad eventually chose. At a certain point, my mom had turned us against him so absolutely that he could do NOTHING right (example-he sent balloons for my sister’s 8th birthday. My mom has us all worked up/in a frenzy believing that our dad sent the balloons in order to ruin my sister’s birthday, and she spent most of the day crying, supposedly because of my horrible dad when of course it was my mom who was manufacturing all the drama).

When my dad stopped trying, my life became more peaceful and less stressful for sure.

At the same time, we refused any contact with him and it wasn’t until my late 20s that I reached out to him. We have a good relationship now but it’s taken over 5 years of work.

I would suggest you truly do ANYTHING that it takes to have a relationship with your kids on their terms. Whatever they want or allow is what you do. And if they come to a point where they refuse all contact, please at least send cards for their birthdays and Christmas.

Your children are suffering. This experience of parental alienation is the greatest sorrow of my life. Whatever you do, try to make it seem like you hold your children in high regard. Don’t make them wrong for believing their mother. It only creates more suffering for them. They will hopefully sort it out someday, but it will take a long time and it won’t be because of you “telling them the real story” unless they ask you questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a very tough situation.

I was the child in this situation. I think it’s very noble that you are considering this route because as a parent I know this would kill me to have to do. This is what my dad eventually chose. At a certain point, my mom had turned us against him so absolutely that he could do NOTHING right (example-he sent balloons for my sister’s 8th birthday. My mom has us all worked up/in a frenzy believing that our dad sent the balloons in order to ruin my sister’s birthday, and she spent most of the day crying, supposedly because of my horrible dad when of course it was my mom who was manufacturing all the drama).

When my dad stopped trying, my life became more peaceful and less stressful for sure.

At the same time, we refused any contact with him and it wasn’t until my late 20s that I reached out to him. We have a good relationship now but it’s taken over 5 years of work.

I would suggest you truly do ANYTHING that it takes to have a relationship with your kids on their terms. Whatever they want or allow is what you do. And if they come to a point where they refuse all contact, please at least send cards for their birthdays and Christmas.

Your children are suffering. This experience of parental alienation is the greatest sorrow of my life. Whatever you do, try to make it seem like you hold your children in high regard. Don’t make them wrong for believing their mother. It only creates more suffering for them. They will hopefully sort it out someday, but it will take a long time and it won’t be because of you “telling them the real story” unless they ask you questions.

Wondering what your relationship w/ your Mom is like now?

Also, what made you reach out to your Dad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a very tough situation.

I was the child in this situation. I think it’s very noble that you are considering this route because as a parent I know this would kill me to have to do. This is what my dad eventually chose. At a certain point, my mom had turned us against him so absolutely that he could do NOTHING right (example-he sent balloons for my sister’s 8th birthday. My mom has us all worked up/in a frenzy believing that our dad sent the balloons in order to ruin my sister’s birthday, and she spent most of the day crying, supposedly because of my horrible dad when of course it was my mom who was manufacturing all the drama).

When my dad stopped trying, my life became more peaceful and less stressful for sure.

At the same time, we refused any contact with him and it wasn’t until my late 20s that I reached out to him. We have a good relationship now but it’s taken over 5 years of work.

I would suggest you truly do ANYTHING that it takes to have a relationship with your kids on their terms. Whatever they want or allow is what you do. And if they come to a point where they refuse all contact, please at least send cards for their birthdays and Christmas.

Your children are suffering. This experience of parental alienation is the greatest sorrow of my life. Whatever you do, try to make it seem like you hold your children in high regard. Don’t make them wrong for believing their mother. It only creates more suffering for them. They will hopefully sort it out someday, but it will take a long time and it won’t be because of you “telling them the real story” unless they ask you questions.

Ever think of the suffering your Dad went through? Not just the kids suffer. I don't agree with putting the responsibility on the kids to choose as they are put in a position like you were to choose mom and will pull away and stay away to make mom happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a very tough situation.

I was the child in this situation. I think it’s very noble that you are considering this route because as a parent I know this would kill me to have to do. This is what my dad eventually chose. At a certain point, my mom had turned us against him so absolutely that he could do NOTHING right (example-he sent balloons for my sister’s 8th birthday. My mom has us all worked up/in a frenzy believing that our dad sent the balloons in order to ruin my sister’s birthday, and she spent most of the day crying, supposedly because of my horrible dad when of course it was my mom who was manufacturing all the drama).

When my dad stopped trying, my life became more peaceful and less stressful for sure.

At the same time, we refused any contact with him and it wasn’t until my late 20s that I reached out to him. We have a good relationship now but it’s taken over 5 years of work.

I would suggest you truly do ANYTHING that it takes to have a relationship with your kids on their terms. Whatever they want or allow is what you do. And if they come to a point where they refuse all contact, please at least send cards for their birthdays and Christmas.

Your children are suffering. This experience of parental alienation is the greatest sorrow of my life. Whatever you do, try to make it seem like you hold your children in high regard. Don’t make them wrong for believing their mother. It only creates more suffering for them. They will hopefully sort it out someday, but it will take a long time and it won’t be because of you “telling them the real story” unless they ask you questions.

Wondering what your relationship w/ your Mom is like now?

Also, what made you reach out to your Dad?

I am no contact with my mom for many years now. She has severe narcissistic personality disorder and is delusional and she became violent towards me when she learned i was in contact with my dad.

There wasn’t any one thing that made me contact my dad. My older brother was in contact with him and he had encouraged me in a gentle and low key way to have contact for many years. So did my therapist of many years. I was also curious about him and couldn’t stop thinking about him even though I wanted the thoughts to go away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a very tough situation.

I was the child in this situation. I think it’s very noble that you are considering this route because as a parent I know this would kill me to have to do. This is what my dad eventually chose. At a certain point, my mom had turned us against him so absolutely that he could do NOTHING right (example-he sent balloons for my sister’s 8th birthday. My mom has us all worked up/in a frenzy believing that our dad sent the balloons in order to ruin my sister’s birthday, and she spent most of the day crying, supposedly because of my horrible dad when of course it was my mom who was manufacturing all the drama).

When my dad stopped trying, my life became more peaceful and less stressful for sure.

At the same time, we refused any contact with him and it wasn’t until my late 20s that I reached out to him. We have a good relationship now but it’s taken over 5 years of work.

I would suggest you truly do ANYTHING that it takes to have a relationship with your kids on their terms. Whatever they want or allow is what you do. And if they come to a point where they refuse all contact, please at least send cards for their birthdays and Christmas.

Your children are suffering. This experience of parental alienation is the greatest sorrow of my life. Whatever you do, try to make it seem like you hold your children in high regard. Don’t make them wrong for believing their mother. It only creates more suffering for them. They will hopefully sort it out someday, but it will take a long time and it won’t be because of you “telling them the real story” unless they ask you questions.

Ever think of the suffering your Dad went through? Not just the kids suffer. I don't agree with putting the responsibility on the kids to choose as they are put in a position like you were to choose mom and will pull away and stay away to make mom happy.

The dad was the one who made the choice. He certainly didn't deserve what happened and probably couldn't have predicted it but he made the choice. The poor kids are just asking for the ride.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a very tough situation.

I was the child in this situation. I think it’s very noble that you are considering this route because as a parent I know this would kill me to have to do. This is what my dad eventually chose. At a certain point, my mom had turned us against him so absolutely that he could do NOTHING right (example-he sent balloons for my sister’s 8th birthday. My mom has us all worked up/in a frenzy believing that our dad sent the balloons in order to ruin my sister’s birthday, and she spent most of the day crying, supposedly because of my horrible dad when of course it was my mom who was manufacturing all the drama).

When my dad stopped trying, my life became more peaceful and less stressful for sure.

At the same time, we refused any contact with him and it wasn’t until my late 20s that I reached out to him. We have a good relationship now but it’s taken over 5 years of work.

I would suggest you truly do ANYTHING that it takes to have a relationship with your kids on their terms. Whatever they want or allow is what you do. And if they come to a point where they refuse all contact, please at least send cards for their birthdays and Christmas.

Your children are suffering. This experience of parental alienation is the greatest sorrow of my life. Whatever you do, try to make it seem like you hold your children in high regard. Don’t make them wrong for believing their mother. It only creates more suffering for them. They will hopefully sort it out someday, but it will take a long time and it won’t be because of you “telling them the real story” unless they ask you questions.

Ever think of the suffering your Dad went through? Not just the kids suffer. I don't agree with putting the responsibility on the kids to choose as they are put in a position like you were to choose mom and will pull away and stay away to make mom happy.

The dad was the one who made the choice. He certainly didn't deserve what happened and probably couldn't have predicted it but he made the choice. The poor kids are just asking for the ride.

What choice. He is being blocked from his kids lives. What do you expect him to do? The Mom should give all the rides if they are in her home and not his.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a very tough situation.

I was the child in this situation. I think it’s very noble that you are considering this route because as a parent I know this would kill me to have to do. This is what my dad eventually chose. At a certain point, my mom had turned us against him so absolutely that he could do NOTHING right (example-he sent balloons for my sister’s 8th birthday. My mom has us all worked up/in a frenzy believing that our dad sent the balloons in order to ruin my sister’s birthday, and she spent most of the day crying, supposedly because of my horrible dad when of course it was my mom who was manufacturing all the drama).

When my dad stopped trying, my life became more peaceful and less stressful for sure.

At the same time, we refused any contact with him and it wasn’t until my late 20s that I reached out to him. We have a good relationship now but it’s taken over 5 years of work.

I would suggest you truly do ANYTHING that it takes to have a relationship with your kids on their terms. Whatever they want or allow is what you do. And if they come to a point where they refuse all contact, please at least send cards for their birthdays and Christmas.

Your children are suffering. This experience of parental alienation is the greatest sorrow of my life. Whatever you do, try to make it seem like you hold your children in high regard. Don’t make them wrong for believing their mother. It only creates more suffering for them. They will hopefully sort it out someday, but it will take a long time and it won’t be because of you “telling them the real story” unless they ask you questions.

Ever think of the suffering your Dad went through? Not just the kids suffer. I don't agree with putting the responsibility on the kids to choose as they are put in a position like you were to choose mom and will pull away and stay away to make mom happy.

The dad was the one who made the choice. He certainly didn't deserve what happened and probably couldn't have predicted it but he made the choice. The poor kids are just asking for the ride.

What choice. He is being blocked from his kids lives. What do you expect him to do? The Mom should give all the rides if they are in her home and not his.

The choice to get married. The choice to have kids. The choice to deal with the ex-wife however he dealt with her. The kids don't have any choice, they are born into a life that they didn't ask for and then expected to feel sorry for the dad who decided to marry a crazy woman? No.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand the discussion above about rides. I don't see that mentioned in the OP at all? Or is there confusion related to that other thread about rides?

[Anonymous]

Op. It doesn’t sound like you are in a good place for your kids. Maybe get copies of everything. Put it in a file and wait
Until the kids are older. Yes this means you will likely not get custody or even regular visits. But in time your ex will hopefully change/ mature and be more willing to work with you . If not your kids will actually grow up and you can withOUT accusation explain that you wanted to be a part of their lives but after enough time you had to determine that in their best interest forcing the issue further while they were kids would not have benefitted them. The kids will know ex for what she is.

Frankly I worry that so many therapists have told you this is not a good idea.