Tell me it gets better

[Anonymous]

After spending the last few years in the same preschool, our DC started a new private school for pre-k this week. DC says she doesn't like the school, the teachers, etc. and doesn't want to go back. This morning at drop off was a disaster. Crying, clinging, refusing to go into the school, the works. The school was great about it but I feel awful for DC and totally stressed. Seems like my kid is the only one having a tough time with the transition. Tell me I am not alone and that this too shall pass. And tell me my kid won't forever be pegged as "that child" by the teachers and staff who had to deal with this today. I'd also love any tips on how to make it better going forward. I don't think I can handle another morning like this one. FWIW, DC had separation issues early on in preschool and is definitely an emotional kid, but has been generally been fine with transitions in the past couple of years.

[Anonymous]

It does (at least in stages). My DS who is now in 3rd grade was the same way. We knew in advance of PK that we were likely to have a problem because we started having issues that summer for camp. We spoke to Dr. Locker in DC who is a child psychologist on the advice of our pediatrician because we had tried everything for camp and he would lie on the floor screaming and crying. Dr. Locker told us that we should tell our DS firmly - you are going to school, whether you have a good time or a bad time is up to you. We also had a picture of our family laminated and DS kept it in his locker to look at if we needed it. We met with Dr. Locker without DS and could follow up by phone if necessary. It helped to understand DS and have tools to use in that situation.

We also spoke to the teacher and let her know what was going on and while not as common as preschool, it is not that uncommon in PK. She totally understood and was fine with me calling a couple of days to make sure he was ok after drop off - and he was. After a week or so, it was fine. He still is the same kid who wears his heart on his sleeve and who is sensitive to these kinds of change but much better now for the most part although even now it will still be an issue.

Good luck I know it really sucks!

[Anonymous]

Give it a week. If your gut tells you she is truly miserable, go what your heart tells you to do. I left my daughter in a pre-K she didn't like (but ended up tolerating) and I regret it. She was so little! They have years of boring school ahead of them. FWIW she was never pegged as "that child" and the teachers were very nice, it just wasn't the right place for her (too big and chaotic)

[Anonymous]

Took a semester of me staying through circle time, but no lasting scars -- for either of us, LOL! And when I stayed that long (and left as they were going out to play), there was much less morning drama.

[Anonymous]

It will get better. Transitions are tough. My eighth grader HATED his new school last year. For two months he was upset that we'd switched to an independent where he didn't know anyone. He gradually came to like it, then love it and he has never been happier. Be patient! Give her cuddles and words of encouragement. She'll bond. It will work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Took a semester of me staying through circle time, but no lasting scars -- for either of us, LOL! And when I stayed that long (and left as they were going out to play), there was much less morning drama.

I can see why some kids may feel comforted by having a parent stay through circle time, and if it's okay with the teachers and the school, I don't have a problem with it so much. but needing a semester of such comfort/parental presence to me signals that the child isn't developmentally ready for the pre-K setting, and may be better off with an additional year of preschool, so they can have the time to mature socially and emotionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can see why some kids may feel comforted by having a parent stay through circle time, and if it's okay with the teachers and the school, I don't have a problem with it so much. but needing a semester of such comfort/parental presence to me signals that the child isn't developmentally ready for the pre-K setting, and may be better off with an additional year of preschool, so they can have the time to mature socially and emotionally.

And that's why it's not legal to practice child psychology over the internet, LOL!

Said child is now in middle school, so this has been years ago.

From a developmental perspective, she was socially and emotionally way ahead of her peers according to her PreK teachers. Holding her back from PreK for another year would have only made things worse -- part of the reason she was nervous about being left at school was that she didn't understand why other kids behaved the way they did. She was very rational, had a lot of self-control, and tended to followed adult rules of social interaction. Another part was a couple of bad preschool experiences (one year where none of the kids could understand WTF she was talking about; another where her teacher scared her (good teacher, but much louder and more physical than she was used to).

What she needed was enough experience in a new social setting with new people to establish relationships of trust with her teachers and to get to know the other kids well enough to feel as if she understood them and they understood her.

[Anonymous]

I think this is totally normal behavior for a pre-schooler - I have seen many kids in K having separation issues as well. You know your child best - I agree with the poster that said to give lots of encouragement and hugs to help your DC feel safe and secure. A little encouragement and patience will go a long way - hang in there and don't worry about the teachers - this will not be new to them.

[Anonymous]

Try putting her to bed an hour earlier, and make sure she has a good and leisurely breakfast, so you aren't rushing her from her comfortable bed to a strange place full of strange people.

When you drop her off, give her a hug and kiss, then turn your back and leave. The waterworks will stop when she knows they won't bring you back.

If your daughter has already been in preschool for "the last few years," she should know how to amuse herself in a pre-K classroom. She doesn't need you; she wants you. Kids are great manipulators, but you'll do her a favor in the long run if you cut the cord so she can find her place in her new class, and it will be better for the rest of the class, too.

While a few tough mornings in September are soon forgotten by all, the other kids and their parents will long remember the family that made every morning an operatic spectacle.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, but I disagree with many of the PP's.

DC was similar to your child, a little less emotional though. I think it's callous to refer to a child's tears, especiall when those tears are because of fear or separation anxiety, as "waterworks." If our loved one, a sister, mother, husband shed tears for whatever reason that was new or challenging, would we give them a kiss, turn our backs confidant that the "waterworks" will stop? OF course not. We'd talk to them, a lot, about it. We'd comfort them as much as we can. That is, unless our hearts are hardened and we don't care or we want to show we don't care. We would never treat a loved one who is an adult this way so why on earth would you think it appropriate to treat a 5, 7, or 8 year old this way? Young children have LESS maturity, LESS of a frame of reference, LESS understanding, LESS perspective, FEWER and LESS developed coping mechanisms. So there ought to be not LESS compassion, but MORE compassion.

I had a friend whose child was a very sensitive little kid. He cried every day because he did not want to go to preschool. Each day she would tell him flatly, "Sorry, I have to go to work and your job is to go to preschool." I wonder what she would have said to me if I ever complained toher how much I detested going to my job. Likely she would have asked, "Well, why? What's going on at your job?" or "Is it your boss? Anything bothering you?" SHe would show me greater respect than her own child. The opposite should hold true for all parents.

Parents who turn their backs on their kids when their kids exhibit oversensitivity to any challenging situation do so because, frankly, they simply do not want to deal with it. It takes much more time to comfort and communicate with a child and HELP them get over it the proper way than it does to walk out on him and let him get over it on his own.

It turns out that my child did have great sensitivity to new and challenging situations. It's called sensory regulatory issues and it was diagnosed by the child psychiatrist, Dr. Stanley Greenspan. Dr. Greenspan said in order for a child to develop a healthy self esteem and a proper coping mechanism, he first needs to feel the comfort and nurturing help from his parents...always but especially when a child is facing a challenging situation. Later he will learn to model this and develop a way to deal with challenging situations. He didn't tell us to turn our backs and walk away from our child while he continues with his "waterworks."

We provided lots of comfort and reassurance to DC. We had talks about what might be making him dislike school. We did play therapy and learned that his teacher was not very warm or nuruturing, but rather quite authoritarian. We spoke to the teacher several times after. We came in and checked up on DC numerous times (discreetly) while he was in school. We learned that his teacher did not change her way at all. So we eventually pulled him out of that school.

So when your child is crying, don't assume they woke up that morning wanting to give you a hard time or make you late for work. They're a child who is facing lots of challenging situations and they're asking you to help TEACH them to cope.

And...it doesn't matter how many other children do adapt easily to school. Every child is different. It's wrong to treat all children with the cookie cutter approach.

[Anonymous]

Another idea: help build your daughter's confidence in her new teachers and classmates. Channel her thoughts in positive directions. Don't ask for her opinion; guide her opinion, and ask for facts and stories that will strengthen her positive opinions.

- "Miss Smith seems like a very nice teacher. I hear she has a lovely voice. Did she teach you any songs?"

- "Who is the nicest girl you've met?"

- "The play kitchen looks like a lot of fun. Did you help cook anything today?"

- "You had celery sticks for snack? Lucky! Those are my favorite!"

Your child may not follow all these leads, and she may stretch her developing capacities of logic and language to contradict you and turn the discussion toward the negative. In that case, be sympathetic, but do not give in. You are the parent, and she is the four-year-old who is acting like a four-year-old. Love her and protect her, but also educate her, and do not defer to her uneducated and self-centered whims.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, but I disagree with many of the PP's ....

I think it's callous to refer to a child's tears, especiall when those tears are because of fear or separation anxiety, as "waterworks." ... We'd talk to them .... That is, unless our hearts are hardened and we don't care or we want to show we don't care. ....

I had a friend .... SHe would show me greater respect than her own child.

Parents who turn their backs on their kids when their kids exhibit oversensitivity to any challenging situation do so because, frankly, they simply do not want to deal with it. ....

Dr. Greenspan ... didn't tell us to turn our backs and walk away from our child while he continues with his "waterworks."

Some of your comments are good, but I find it very hard to hear them when they're mixed in with judgmental accusations like those I highlighted above.

[Anonymous]

00:27 here. I can't blame 01:35 for being judgmental about my parenting, because I'm judgmental about hers. I won't be too critical though. Either despite or because of the differences in our parenting practices, it sounds like I've had a much easier time with my kids than she's had with hers.

I think it's partly that I'm not as sensitive as she is, and my kids aren't as sensitive as hers is, and I feel fortunate for that. I remember crying on my own first day of nursery school, and my older child cried on his first day. I consider it part of the occasional normal trauma of growing up, like being born or getting vaccinated or being knocked down on the playground. Admittedly, there are some frail children who really need to be protected from being knocked down. But most kids are better off learning how to cope with the occasional normal trauma of growing up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:00:27 here. I can't blame 01:35 for being judgmental about my parenting, because I'm judgmental about hers. I won't be too critical though. Either despite or because of the differences in our parenting practices, it sounds like I've had a much easier time with my kids than she's had with hers.

I think it's partly that I'm not as sensitive as she is, and my kids aren't as sensitive as hers is, and I feel fortunate for that. I remember crying on my own first day of nursery school, and my older child cried on his first day. I consider it part of the occasional normal trauma of growing up, like being born or getting vaccinated or being knocked down on the playground. Admittedly, there are some frail children who really need to be protected from being knocked down. But most kids are better off learning how to cope with the occasional normal trauma of growing up.

New poster here. This is a great thread and I'm fascinated by the replies since I have two children who are opposites in these ways. (I have another child who is still a baby but I think he's somewhere in the middle.) Anyhow, my two older children have been brought up exactly the same but their temperments are completely different. One cried on her first day of school, but marched in the next day and didn't even bother to say goodbye to me. Her sister, however, cried for weeks and weeks. I feel like I did not listen enough to her. I didn't follow my instincts re: her teachers, who were very rigid and judgmental. I wish I had been kinder, listened more, and pulled her out of the class. Or at the very least, I wish I had defended her more.

[Anonymous]

I will probably get flamed for this, but in my experience kids cry for different reasons. Some truly can't deal with the separation. Others just would prefer not to have to go to PreK and there may be an element of manipulation. Our niece was the toughest kid imaginable when she fell or got a splinter -- until mommy showed up 10 minutes later and then the tears were heart-rending.

Only you know which behavior is your kid's. However, whether you stay and comfort the child or wave a cheery "goodbye" would seem to depend on why the kid is crying.