Need a better way to settle disputes between teen sisters

[Anonymous]

Two teen daughters will infrequently get into a dispute surrounding a missing item. Money, treats, etc. Sometimes the complainer later realizes she had the item but did not realize it. Other times, like with money, I can't tell whose dollars are whose. "Who else would take the money?" Well, not mom or dad, but are you sure you're missing the money? "Search sister's desk." Really?

I think they're both spoiled, and I sometimes regrettably go to a dark place, lose my temper, let them know how ungrateful they are, and then there is a pall in the household for a few days. That has the advantage of minimizing the original complaint, but I'd like to have more productive, assertive conflict resolution techniques for resolving these kinds of disputes. Suggestions appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Stay out of it.

-Mom of five teens/former teens

[Anonymous]

Are you a stepparent? What's with "thinking they're spoiled"?

[Anonymous]

No atypical. I still remember that my sister "lost" the $40 I stupidly gave her to hold for me because I was saving to buy my first Coach purse in like 8th grade. She confessed like 30 years later that she had spent the money on a gold chain for her boyfriend. My parents new she had bought the chain and refused to let her give it to her boyfriend because they thought it was too extravagant of a gift for a teen (it was non-returnable). They also must have known where the $ went because they gave me the $40. My sister's punishment was living with the guilt for years. We have a great relationship BTW.

The only other piece of advice I have is one that works with my son. He'll never confess a wrong-doing if accused outright, but he once coughed up some $ when I talked to him privately and said "you sister thinks you took X, but I know you wouldn't do that because that would be stealing." Thirty minutes later he "found it."

[Anonymous]

I tell them to work out it, and don't make THEIR problem the family's problem. "What would you do if you were at work and this happened? You can't scream at coworkers."

That one worked until they realized the answer was "Complain to HR."

When they lose their stuff though, I have very little sympathy. "Keep track of your shit. Don't pick up shit that's not yours."

[Anonymous]

"I expect you to work this out without damage to property or person."
That's what I say.

[Anonymous]

Cage match.... maybe not to the death, but until one of them says uncle...

or a "get along T shirt"
and then make then do a chore together....

I agree a bit with stay out of it. then as a parent you are dealing with listening to a couple children yell and scream at each other and be miserable, which ends up making everyone miserable.

noise cancelling headphones for you....

[Anonymous]

Rule #1 (in my house of teen girls) - if it's important to you, keep your stuff in your own space/put it away
Rule #2 - nobody goes into anybody else's space without asking
Rule #3 - nobody takes anybody else's stuff without permission

And one more you could add based on the blame game going on in your house - own up to your mistakes and apologize if you've confronted someone in error. Yes it takes eating some humble pie to do it, but boy does it help relationships! That goes for all people btw!!

[Anonymous]

I was going to say - -Why are you involved at all OP? But instead, instead of merely - not being involved - you should be insisting that they not create drama in the household, and not bother/take up your time with their quarrels.

[Anonymous]

You know how international families struggle to get their kids to speak in their native language, and insist that they speak that language at home?

So when they fight (in English, of course) I yell at them in French:
"Kill yourselves if you must, but do it in French!"

I'm sure they'll remember that one

[Anonymous]

That picture above of the two little kids wearing thie shirt has me cracking up. They look so miserable.

My kids are not teens yet, but we have this problem in spades. Tonight the fight was that the older one was sure that the younger had gone into her room and taken some lego people, and the younger one denied doing it. I never know how to resolve these disputes. The truth is that the younger one has been known to sneak into other people's rooms and take stuff that isn't hers and then hide it. And the older one has been known to accuse other people of taking her stuff when she's just mis-placed it. Tonight it was Legos but it happens with money, souvenirs, etc. I just walk alway, but it does seem pretty unjust. I mean, if someone stole your stuff and you went to the police to complain and they were like "Yeah, I didn't see it happen and I don't really know what I can do about it at this point, so just move on and try to get along" -- you'd be pretty rightfully pissed.

[Anonymous]

^ if you know this many details of the fight, you know too much. You are too involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That picture above of the two little kids wearing thie shirt has me cracking up. They look so miserable.

My kids are not teens yet, but we have this problem in spades. Tonight the fight was that the older one was sure that the younger had gone into her room and taken some lego people, and the younger one denied doing it. I never know how to resolve these disputes. The truth is that the younger one has been known to sneak into other people's rooms and take stuff that isn't hers and then hide it. And the older one has been known to accuse other people of taking her stuff when she's just mis-placed it. Tonight it was Legos but it happens with money, souvenirs, etc. I just walk alway, but it does seem pretty unjust. I mean, if someone stole your stuff and you went to the police to complain and they were like "Yeah, I didn't see it happen and I don't really know what I can do about it at this point, so just move on and try to get along" -- you'd be pretty rightfully pissed.

The book Siblings Without Rivalry was SO helpful to me when my kids were younger. It's an easy read that I recommend. The library would have it.