Estranged from family but wish my grandma could see DD just once....
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Anonymous
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I'm estranged from my grandmother but think every day about how much I wish my grandma could just see my little girl, just once. I can't get this thought out of my head, have had it most days since DD was born 18 months ago.
Grandma is still alive, but in her 80s and not in good health. I haven't seen her in 3 years. I know the obvious question is, why don't I just make it happen? She lives with my mother who I do not, and cannot, have a relationship with. There are very good reasons for this estrangement, believe me (violence, personality disorder, severe alcoholism). I could give examples but thats not really why I'm posting (to have the validity of the estrangement vetted by dcurbanmom). I've tried to have a one on one relationship with Grandma but my mom has completely isolated her and I can't get her on the phone and the last time I tried to visit (3 years ago) my mom physically attacked me, kicked me out of the house and threatened to call police and tell them I hit Grandma. I've written grandma dozens of times and sent pictures of DD and I. I get no response or hateful/nasty/delusional responses. I just wish I could have lunch with her one last time and tell her how good my life turned out. She was a huge part of my life up until 3 years ago. She missed my wedding and my daughter's birth. I wish I could tell her. I wish she could see DD just once and tell me how perfect she is. It really is impossible. Can I make the thought go away? I'm in therapy and the advice is basically mindfulness and try getting your feelings out in a letter you will never send. |
Anonymous
| Is there anyone else in the picture that's able to be the middle man? Say and Aunt take grandma out for lunch and then you're there. |
Anonymous
I wish, but no. They live across the country from me and everyone else. No family nearby. And my mom never leaves her side even for a moment. Otherwise maybe I could coordinate a trip out there with another relative but my mom would never let grandma go to lunch alone with someone else. |
Anonymous
| How deep in do you want to go? What if your mom went to lunch, would she leave Grandma home alone? I have an idea. It's grey on legality, but I'm always down for some Mission Impossible stuff. |
Anonymous
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OP, are the "hateful/nasty/delusional responses" you've had to your letters been written by your grandmother or your mother? It's not clear to me. If it's grandmother, it sounds as if she may be either starting some kind of dementia or is otherwise having mental issues. Hateful and delusional are how I'd characterize some letters from my husband's aunt, who sadly is paranoid and untreated. If the replies are from your mother, she may be the one who is mentally ill, and for sure she's intercepting all mail you send your grandmother.
Either way, think of this: If you are getting those kinds of responses from EITHER of them, then the chance that you would have a horrible experience if you try to go there in person is very high. What you describe overall tells me that you can't just drop in unannounced, nor can you try to set up a visit, since your mom would control your grandmother's seeing or not seeing you. You could ask if they can meet you in a place that is not their home or yours -- somewhere public and neutral, so you can leave quickly if things turn sour and so being in public can act as a curb on the nasty behavior (that may or may not happen, OP). That's IF mother would agree to bring grandmother there at all. We have done better when meeting this aunt of ours out in public; we never go to her home except to pick her up, and we always have an "OK, we need to get to X by 2:00, so we'll need to go in another 10 minutes but it's been so nice to see you" escape planned. (Even if there is no X we need to get to by 2:00, or ever.) But truly, I would go deeper into this with your therapist. Your desire to see grandmother is totally understandable. But talk to your therapist and see if the therapist thinks there is a way to see grandmother that won't end with you totally shattered or with your mom taking out anger on your grandmother, or being nasty to your toddler. It really sounds as if you may not be able to see her if your mother can control her decisions and comings and goings. |
Anonymous
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You think you're going to go there and because you produce a child, everything will be fine, and they will all tell you how perfect everything is?
Maybe you'll have a unique experience, but as someone who knows and can relate to estrangement, it doesn't typically work like that. It's awkward and incomfortable, full of hurt and the love is gone. I suggest you talking to a therapist to see why you feel you need this acceptance and approval for your daughter (who doesn't even know they exist.) It's hard, it truly is, but you are setting yourself up for disappointment and a world of hurt. That said, from experience, if you think you will go through this, please don't go in expecting them to welcome you and your child with open arms. There is a good chance you will be met with exactly the opposite, and even worse treatment of your child. Hugs. |
Anonymous
I'm the PP with the paranoid aunt and I can say that it's a bad idea to spring a visit on someone by suddenly appearing at lunch or whatever as suggested above. It can instantly get mom's and/or grandmother's back up, so to speak. Even if grandmother were just fine and wanted to see OP, grandmother might be terrified that mom would be furious (and take it out on grandma later at home) if mom found out OP turned up and saw grandmother without mom there. Not worth the cross-country flight to try to pull a sneak visit like this. |
Anonymous
Op here. I know you are right. I know what I envision is a fantasy, and what you describe (the awkwardness, that the love is gone) would be the reality (and probably the best case scenario-the worst being a situation where my mom gets violent and/or police get involved somehow). I don't want this for DD, I selfishly want it for me. I want the validation and the chance to gush. And I know my fantasy probably sounds almost delusional on my part. Logically I know it's not how it would be but the fantasy I've built up in my head feels so possible for some reason. |
Anonymous
It's not. Your thoughts aren't healthy. You need to talk to someone. You keep mentioning this violence, yet you still want to go. Because you fantasize that your beautiful child will change their minds. She won't, unfortunately. You need to gush? Fish over her yourself. Someone who LOVES her. Hold her tight, squeeze her, cuddle her, tell her she is gorgeous. You are not going to get that from your family. And risking violence? Really? Time to wake up, sweetie. |
Anonymous
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I'm sorry, OP. Your mother sounds like a nightmare. But I think you're probably deluding yourself if you think she hasn't worked hard at turning grandma against you -- especially if grandma is infirm and dependent upon her.
I understand wanting to introduce your daughter. I really do. My mom passed away before my child was born and it is an unfillable hole. What I do is talk about my mom a lot. I tell my child funny stories and try very hard to give my child a sense of who she was and how much she would have loved him. It's the best I've got. It sounds like you were very close to your grandmother in the past, and I'd bring that alive for you and your child. I know she's not dead, and there's always hope of reconciliation, but that sounds unlikely. Your therapist's advice sounds solid and hopefully can help you get to a more peaceful place with this. |
Anonymous
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Op here. I know you're right. I am deluding myself. The responses I'm getting here are making me think of a quote I heard once "hope is just delayed disappointment". I think the idea I have about this lunch is just some loophole to hold on to hope when there really isn't any.
Yes, mom has totally turned grandma against me and the letters I have received confirm that. I guess I need to do a better job of thinking about it from grandmas perspective. These letters contain weird hateful language that's not true and also paints me as a cartoon character villain. Stuff that's so crazy I kind of scoff and think, oh come on? You can't be serious? But I guess I should take it more seriously as a genuine representation of what she believes, even if it's not factually true. |
Anonymous
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Not at all the same--but might you find some other folks to gush over your daughter? I agree that that validation can be very fulfilling. I took my kids on a church retreat for the first time a few weeks ago, and the old people, as well as the middle-aged folks with older kids, just loved having an infant and preschooler around. It helped that I was there without my spouse, so these relative strangers all found a million ways to pitch in--they played games with my kids, got them food, talked to them, etc. It was really nice to have them surrounded by so much love.
Anyway, you can't change the family that you have, but you can always build a new family. There are plenty of people who will gush over you and your daughter. |
Anonymous
PP with the aunt here again. I've received similar letters and been the subject of screaming phone calls from aunt to other relatives because I am, apparently, in collusion with vile conspirators in another country (!) who have been horrible to this aunt (no idea how, but there is some unnamed, very specific Awful Thing that these people I've never met did to aunt with my help--in her mind). I am,as you put it, a cartoon character villain. The letters you describe sound as if there's mental illness at work possibly on both their parts. Mom is probably feeding grandma lies that mom really believes are truths and grandma Has accepted them because grandma's mind is failing. They both may share the same mental illness. I want you to know, and say it to yourself as much as you need to -- these lies about your villainy are not personal because grandmother no longer sees you as the person you were years ago. If they were not attacking you, they would find some other villain. The grandmother who loved you was a real person who did care for you--please don't doubt that. But you may need now to treat that grandmother as gone. The hateful lies about awful things you've supposedly done are the illness talking, not your grandmother. Please DON'T "take it more seriously as a genuine representation of what she really believes." In her mind (or mom's or both) these things are "the truth" but her mind is not that of the person who once loved you. It may help to let yourself grieve the death of that earlier grandmother and the death of the relationship you had with her. Grieve it as if she died, and focus on positive memories. Writing down positive memories could help and would give you things to share with your daughter as she gets older. I love this aunt of my husband's and remember good times with her years ago. i truly can't feel anger toward her for the things she says about me; her brain picked me to exaggerate into a cartoon but it could as easily have picked our teen DC or my husband or the mailman. It's not personal and its reason more for sadness at losing her than for upset or anger at the utterly cartoonish fabrications. Please talk to your therapist for strategies on how to think about your grandmother. The one thing to know is: Are there other family members who might believe some of what your mom and grandmother say? We are fortunate that other family members all understand aunt is ill and some have received milder versions of her paranoid verbal attacks, so no one else buys that I'm an international conspirator. |
Anonymous
| Omg why would you want to introduce any of that to your daughters life. Honestly I wouldn't have even told my relatives I had a child. |