How and When to Explain Surrogacy to DS?

[Anonymous]

After one year of unsuccessful IVF attempts, we are going through the surrogacy process right now. I have an 8 year old DS. So far our surrogate has had a positive home pregnancy test and successive rising beta tests and a sono is scheduled shortly. So although a viable pregnancy has not yet been confirmed, we are looking forward and wondering what is the best approach to sharing this information with our son. At what point would you discuss the concept of surrogacy? I don't want to tell him about the process and then in the same conversation say, "hey you have a little sibling coming." I would rather it be separate conversations - i.e., babies can come into your home in different ways - in mommy's tummy, through adoption and surrogacy. And then later, in a separate conversation and when we are far enough along, I would want to tell him that there is a baby coming (after the 1st trimester, I suppose?). I know that there are books on this but I am just curious about timing for both conversations. I welcome any helpful suggestions or advice. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

I have heard versions of "Mommy's belly was broken so she borrowed another lady's belly so I could grow."

[Anonymous]

Wait till she is a few month pregnant and say Mom and Dad would like another child. I cannot give birth to another child like I did you, so the baby is growing in another Mom's stomach and will then join our family.

[Anonymous]

I would have the first conversation now, so that you have some time for that to digest, and it isn't too close to the "and you have a little sister/brother on the way".

I think a book that talks about multiple ways to build a family is a good place to start, but I don't have a specific title to recommend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait till she is a few month pregnant and say Mom and Dad would like another child. I cannot give birth to another child like I did you, so the baby is growing in another Mom's stomach and will then join our family.

Except say uterus, not stomach. 8 years old is old enough to use the real words.

OP, does your son know about sex/how babies are made? If so, you might need to be prepared to explain how the sperm got into the surrogate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait till she is a few month pregnant and say Mom and Dad would like another child. I cannot give birth to another child like I did you, so the baby is growing in another Mom's stomach and will then join our family.

Except say uterus, not stomach. 8 years old is old enough to use the real words.

OP, does your son know about sex/how babies are made? If so, you might need to be prepared to explain how the sperm got into the surrogate.

No, he recently turned 8 and does not know how babies are made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait till she is a few month pregnant and say Mom and Dad would like another child. I cannot give birth to another child like I did you, so the baby is growing in another Mom's stomach and will then join our family.

Except say uterus, not stomach. 8 years old is old enough to use the real words.

OP, does your son know about sex/how babies are made? If so, you might need to be prepared to explain how the sperm got into the surrogate.

No, he recently turned 8 and does not know how babies are made.

Is he homeschooled?

If not, he knows.

[Anonymous]

What does he know? My 8yo DS knows EVERYTHING about it because he is very, very inquisitive and not satisfied with half-answers. We had a 30-min conversations about the mechanics of erections at age 5. His twin sister doesn't care but she still knows a good deal:
Babies grow in a special part of a lady's body called a uterus.
When the baby is ready to come out, women have a special opening called a vagina that stretches big enough for the baby to squeeze through and then closes, like stretching a rubber band.
In order for a baby to grow you need DNA. That tells the uterus what kind of baby to grow.
You have to have DNA from a man and from a woman (sorry trans folks, I am keeping it simple here).

Have you really never talked about ANY of this with him? If so, you need to start now with general knowledge. I liked "It's not the stork" for talking about it in age-appropriate terms. I read it myself and then used that language with them vs. reading together.

First an initial, "Boy you are getting older so there are some things you might be ready to learn about because as an adult your body will be able to help make a baby." And then a few follow-ups where you bring it up indirectly and give him space to ask questions.

Then a month later you say, you know Daddy and I are trying to make a baby but my uterus is not working. We were pretty sad that I can't grow you a brother or sister in my body but we are going to try to get a baby a different way. A really nice lady who has a strong healthy uterus is going to put some of my DNA and Daddy'a DNA into her uterus so that she can grow a baby for us. If it works we will have a new baby in our family!

A month after that you explain that it did work and your baby is growing healthy and strong and you hope he or she will be big enough to come live with you very soon.

[Anonymous]

Kids share this knowledge at school in K-2 grade.

[Anonymous]

Thank you 19:45. That was very helpful.