Special need Dx likely soon; spouse not ready

[Anonymous]

Has anybody BTDT with a spouse who thinks DC is gifted (or neurotypical) rather than learning disabled? We had our 7 yr old professionally evaluated because we didn't really like what we saw at the public school but since then, I see a learning disability and my spouse sees a child who is not challenged.

Spouse was labeled LD and then gifted (LD 1st, gifted 4th) and thinks our child is the same. I totally disagree. While DC meets "benchmarks" he is WAY behind peers and they make fun of him. It hurts me that my child is suffering but it's even worse that my spouse sees something that is very unlikely right now.

If you have BTDT, how did you prepare your spouse or how do you suggest I prepare mine? To be clear, our child is very happy and has wonderful leadership skills but is very, very behind peers on most academic measures (IMO). If we were not in the DC metro, he'd probably be fine but he's way below normal for his peer group. I have come to terms with it, spouse hasn't, and the house of cards comes crashing down next week.

I want DC to not feel...inferior or unloved or over-judged. suggestions?

[Anonymous]

Since you have an appointment and are getting results next week, you really need to wait for that appointment before making any declarations about what you think is going on.

As for spouse: always make sure that both parents are at every appointment. Talk about your spouse's path/diagnosis as it is relevant to medical history and may have some bearing.

As for whether your child is behind peers or not, that should be measured empirically... and should not be a matter of opinion. Again, you will have to wait on test results (depending on what types of evaluations you just had conducted). But, academics can and should be measured so you are certain of performance as compared to peers.

[Anonymous]

You both could still be right. You just have to wait to see his IQ score and other test results. It sounds like he could be 2e.

[Anonymous]

First of all, being gifted does not equal being neurotypical. There are plenty of gifted kids with LDs so you could both be right. You also need to keep in mind that it's no uncommon for spouses to see different weaknesses and strengths in the same child.

DH and I had similarly opposing views of our child at one point. It's not exactly what you're disagreeing about with your spouse but not to dissimilar either. I was panicking about this diagnoses and that diagnoses and while DH agreed there were LDs he didn't think they were as serious as I imagined and that it was just a bad environment. I also thought he being delusional. Time has proved him right, not me.

I'm struck by one of your last sentences of your child being "fine" if he weren't in the DC metro area. A child with serious LDs cannot be fine in one place and not fine in another place so you shouldn't be jumping to conclusions yourself, but I get where you are coming from. DS is mostly on grade-level, but at our high-performing school but he's at the bottom. I'm not sure what to do about helping him not feel inferior and everything you mentioned. It's hard. DH thinks we should move out of the area.

[Anonymous]

I have a gifted and learning disabled child, and caution you that gifts are sometimes very well hidden! My son was delayed and below grade level for many skills in elementary school, but I always knew he had an unusual intellectual curiosity and reasoning capacities. However my son's abilities were practically invisible in a school setting: every year his teachers considered him mentally slow until the end of year meeting (IEP meeting) when they would say in a surprised voice: "Actually, Mrs X, your son knows a lot / is quite intelligent / thinks deeply!" As if they were imparting news nobody else suspected.

The full neuropsychological evaluation we did in his 5th grade year confirmed everything, and we were able to place DC in a GT/LD program for middle school, where he is thriving.

So, a word to the wise - do the right evaluation and sit tight until you get the results.

[Anonymous]

OP - Assuming your spouse is not an otherwise unreasonable person, he will eventually get on board.

Many DH's go through this denial stage, not at all unusual. I knew something was different about DS when he was 1yr old. nothing really obvious to most people, but I could see it. It took a few years before DH really truly get on board, and it was only after a diagnosis from a psychologist.

Give him time.

[Anonymous]

Well, does DH now have a learning disability at all? Was he completely misdiagnosed? If so, I can see where he is coming from.

Poor achievement not necessarily means low IQ if learning disability exists.

[Anonymous]

Make sure your DH goes to all the appointments with you - especially the one in which they give the full explanation of the report. My DH was not on board at all until he heard the report from the expert, who explained my son's issues and strengths in concrete ways. Do not get the info and tell it to your DH -- he needs to hear from professional.

[Anonymous]

I just wanted to second what others are saying in that both you and your husband could be correct, and it may take awhile to get it all pinned down on what is exactly going on.

But I also wanted to commiserate a little.

When our middle child, my son, was small and struggling in kindergarten, my FIL used to insist ALL the time that our son was absolutely brilliant and that the teachers just had't figured it out yet. He also believed our son was bored and way above the material being presented.

I was uneasy with that and now, years later, with an ADD-inattentive diagnosis and reading and writing LD's, I know why: it really, truly does your child such a disservice. If they are actually struggling and you go with my FIL's mindset, they don't get help for years and years.

It turns out that is what my FIL did with both his sons, and guess what? My DH discovered when my son got diagnosed that he is ADD-inattentive as well. It makes so much sense now why my DH is the way he is and how he was in college (we were there together). My DH now also has full-blown depression co-morbid with the ADD and still is in denial that he has it.

I, meanwhile, advocated for my son tirelessly these past five years and he has a great IEP, great support, sees a great psychiatrist who helps with his anxiety and ADD and is about to start meds because he is in tune with himself and sees that he is being so down on himself because he can't focus at school. My DH is on board for the most part, but still denies he has it and won't try meds himself because he is convinced he is just "gifted and a little quirky."

I wish my son had someone he could look up to more about this, but it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Op:

Thank you for being so supportive! I think DH was labeled ADD in first and then retested at his mom's insistence when he was in 4th.

So he was probably misdiagnosed but was evaluated at two schools in different states so maybe the test battery was different. I don't really know.

I also had a rocky start to school and ended up fine at the end probably hitting my stride in 3rd grade (I was an immature talker).

Again my son came home complaining about the kids making fun of him. I am starting to get a little pissed that the teacher allows that.

I'm glad we are getting the results done b/c he is struggling and once we figure out why, we can fix it and convince his teacher that he needs accommodation.

Until then, I will be very patient and yes, we are both attending.

[Anonymous]

OP, you make a couple of other really important points. I'm the 10:35 PP from above. Happy to help, BTW!

In terms of not wanting your child to feel inferior, judged, etc., that was one of the reasons we really started seeking help out for my son. We had been concerned about ADD inattentive type since kindergarten, but he pulled really good grades, got along great with everyone and handled things well, even if he was a bit anxious. By the time 4th rolled around, the academic expectations were more stringent and starting to get to him. He also was picking up on his peers doing better than him and when he would tune out during lectures, tune back in, realize he was lost and ask questions, the kids were all yelling things like, "She just SAID that!"

So his self-esteem really started going downhill. So first we got the anxiety under control with a great psych and a great school counselor. Then we pursued the ADD diagnosis with a developmental pediatrician and asked our son how he felt about meds. He wanted to try them immediately. I talked to him at length about why the anxiety impacted his performance and then we talked about his focus issues and how his brain worked in that regard. It helped a lot that his doctor is ADHD as well! He was really able to show how successful you could be and still have these issues. He told my son a lot of funny anecdotes about how he was treated and how he saw things growing up and my son could really relate. Also, just know that with certain issues – in my son's case, ADD – it can really impact social relationships because my son can't focus long enough on other people's cues to clue in to how to act. He acts a little immature as a result.

As for the teasing at school – we hopped on that the second we saw it. That didn't really start up until 5th. Most of my son's friends have known him since kindergarten and they all supported him (a lot of them are shy or sensitive too, great kids). But a few kids picked up on my son being really sensitive and started baiting him to get him upset and then they'd make fun of him. His counselor really helped cut that crap all real quick. She made a whole mediation lesson out of it and taught the whole class (so my son wasn't outed). She pulled aside individual kids outside of class. She also made sure all the recess monitors knew as well and they don't really allow that stuff during recess. We are lucky though, our school is great in regards to making sure all kids are well-supported. But seriously, email his teachers and counselors and make sure they are aware of it. In some grades they have so many kids, they don't know about all the comings and goings unless you tell them. I always joke with my kids' teachers that I never want to get involved, I just act as an extra set of eyes and ears! I've always had teachers thank me that I let them know what was up.

Hang in there. You're doing a great job supporting your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you make a couple of other really important points. I'm the 10:35 PP from above. Happy to help, BTW!

In terms of not wanting your child to feel inferior, judged, etc., that was one of the reasons we really started seeking help out for my son. We had been concerned about ADD inattentive type since kindergarten, but he pulled really good grades, got along great with everyone and handled things well, even if he was a bit anxious. By the time 4th rolled around, the academic expectations were more stringent and starting to get to him. He also was picking up on his peers doing better than him and when he would tune out during lectures, tune back in, realize he was lost and ask questions, the kids were all yelling things like, "She just SAID that!"

So his self-esteem really started going downhill. So first we got the anxiety under control with a great psych and a great school counselor. Then we pursued the ADD diagnosis with a developmental pediatrician and asked our son how he felt about meds. He wanted to try them immediately. I talked to him at length about why the anxiety impacted his performance and then we talked about his focus issues and how his brain worked in that regard. It helped a lot that his doctor is ADHD as well! He was really able to show how successful you could be and still have these issues. He told my son a lot of funny anecdotes about how he was treated and how he saw things growing up and my son could really relate. Also, just know that with certain issues – in my son's case, ADD – it can really impact social relationships because my son can't focus long enough on other people's cues to clue in to how to act. He acts a little immature as a result.

As for the teasing at school – we hopped on that the second we saw it. That didn't really start up until 5th. Most of my son's friends have known him since kindergarten and they all supported him (a lot of them are shy or sensitive too, great kids). But a few kids picked up on my son being really sensitive and started baiting him to get him upset and then they'd make fun of him. His counselor really helped cut that crap all real quick. She made a whole mediation lesson out of it and taught the whole class (so my son wasn't outed). She pulled aside individual kids outside of class. She also made sure all the recess monitors knew as well and they don't really allow that stuff during recess. We are lucky though, our school is great in regards to making sure all kids are well-supported. But seriously, email his teachers and counselors and make sure they are aware of it. In some grades they have so many kids, they don't know about all the comings and goings unless you tell them. I always joke with my kids' teachers that I never want to get involved, I just act as an extra set of eyes and ears! I've always had teachers thank me that I let them know what was up.

Hang in there. You're doing a great job supporting your kid.

Wow, what a great school. You're lucky...is it a private? Would you share the name?
If not, I understand. You sound like a great mom.

[Anonymous]

OP here and agree with immediate PP. Wow. I think I will email teacher now!

[Anonymous]

OP with update.
2E: gifted with dyslexia and dysgraphia. No clear ADHD although has some impulsive tendencies.

I truly had no idea that was possible.

Thank you all for being amazing.

Spouse took it very well and thought private evaluation was worth every effort.

Here's one specific reason that I agree; as a reader, he is "on grade level" according to standardized test (PAWS or something like that).

But because he has the abilities of a 4th grader (according to the doctor) he compensates for his inabilities. She thinks he is reading at a K level and did sub-tests to identify exactly what he can't do.

I am a little shocked and would welcome good links. There are so many out there...books too.

[Anonymous]

Welcome to the world of non-neurotypical kids, OP.

This has a lot, but I like the 2E newsletter: http://2enewsletter.blogspot.com/

Also, podcasts on TILT - http://www.tiltparenting.com/

You're local? There's a Twice Exceptional Advocate Moms group on Meetup. More Fairfax County oriented, right now.