Adult kids in late 20s are rude.

[Anonymous]

I was stressed as a mom trying to work full time and raise kids but they were provided with nice home, good educations, Europe trips, etc. Now they are rude to us and others. Neither can hold a job. If we call them on it they just get worse and then leave and we don't hear from them again until they want something. (babysitting, money). We're afraid of estrangement but this is too much. Any helps?

[Anonymous]

They're not "kids" in their 20's. They're just adults.

And there's a term for them: assholes

[Anonymous]

I was a bit of a disaster in my early 20's (dropouts, transfers, depression, anxiety, laziness, social isolation due to said transfers) . My mom gave me unconditional, loving support - not financial, mind you, but she LISTENED. Didn't try to crisis manage or give advice. When I (finally!) finished undergrad with a shitty GPA, she was proud of me for getting through it. Her support, as well as her offhand remark that there was no reason I COULDN'T apply to grad school, gave me the boost I needed. My self-esteem was destroyed after being a successful high school student whose friends and peers passed me by. Bit by bit, I got some self-esteem and self-respect back, and worked my ass off to finish a not-impressive Master's Program. Nearly 10 years later, I have a healthy life and a good career.

Be a source of support, not strife. Your kids KNOW they are letting you down. They are likely watching their former hs friends kick ass at their careers, get married, have kids, buy houses. You can't help them succeed by getting involved in their work and academics. I cringe at some of the rude, selfish things I once did to my parents. I threw a tantrum when they stopped paying my rent at 23, but it was the best thing for me. I still got financial help when, for example, I needed money to move to DC to take my first postgraduate job. Disengage, but be kind and welcoming, No snide or side remarks about work or money. Take them out for dinner, one-on-one, and don't mention school, money, or work. Try relating to them as adults. I'm sorry this is happening to you. I imagine it was my parents' biggest parenting challenge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a bit of a disaster in my early 20's (dropouts, transfers, depression, anxiety, laziness, social isolation due to said transfers) . My mom gave me unconditional, loving support - not financial, mind you, but she LISTENED. Didn't try to crisis manage or give advice. When I (finally!) finished undergrad with a shitty GPA, she was proud of me for getting through it. Her support, as well as her offhand remark that there was no reason I COULDN'T apply to grad school, gave me the boost I needed. My self-esteem was destroyed after being a successful high school student whose friends and peers passed me by. Bit by bit, I got some self-esteem and self-respect back, and worked my ass off to finish a not-impressive Master's Program. Nearly 10 years later, I have a healthy life and a good career.

Be a source of support, not strife. Your kids KNOW they are letting you down. They are likely watching their former hs friends kick ass at their careers, get married, have kids, buy houses. You can't help them succeed by getting involved in their work and academics. I cringe at some of the rude, selfish things I once did to my parents. I threw a tantrum when they stopped paying my rent at 23, but it was the best thing for me. I still got financial help when, for example, I needed money to move to DC to take my first postgraduate job. Disengage, but be kind and welcoming, No snide or side remarks about work or money. Take them out for dinner, one-on-one, and don't mention school, money, or work. Try relating to them as adults. I'm sorry this is happening to you. I imagine it was my parents' biggest parenting challenge.

Thanks. I think this is what I needed to hear. Sometimes I just want to change the lock on the door but I was hard on my folks at this age, too, just seldom intentionally rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a bit of a disaster in my early 20's (dropouts, transfers, depression, anxiety, laziness, social isolation due to said transfers) . My mom gave me unconditional, loving support - not financial, mind you, but she LISTENED. Didn't try to crisis manage or give advice. When I (finally!) finished undergrad with a shitty GPA, she was proud of me for getting through it. Her support, as well as her offhand remark that there was no reason I COULDN'T apply to grad school, gave me the boost I needed. My self-esteem was destroyed after being a successful high school student whose friends and peers passed me by. Bit by bit, I got some self-esteem and self-respect back, and worked my ass off to finish a not-impressive Master's Program. Nearly 10 years later, I have a healthy life and a good career.

Be a source of support, not strife. Your kids KNOW they are letting you down. They are likely watching their former hs friends kick ass at their careers, get married, have kids, buy houses. You can't help them succeed by getting involved in their work and academics. I cringe at some of the rude, selfish things I once did to my parents. I threw a tantrum when they stopped paying my rent at 23, but it was the best thing for me. I still got financial help when, for example, I needed money to move to DC to take my first postgraduate job. Disengage, but be kind and welcoming, No snide or side remarks about work or money. Take them out for dinner, one-on-one, and don't mention school, money, or work. Try relating to them as adults. I'm sorry this is happening to you. I imagine it was my parents' biggest parenting challenge.

Thanks. I think this is what I needed to hear. Sometimes I just want to change the lock on the door but I was hard on my folks at this age, too, just seldom intentionally rude.

Don't assume they are being intentionally rude. Parents often assume they know everything that is going on in their glistens lives, but they don't. And it may not be your business or maybe they don't want to burden you with it. You can't read their minds. You sound like someone who tends to take things too personally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a bit of a disaster in my early 20's (dropouts, transfers, depression, anxiety, laziness, social isolation due to said transfers) . My mom gave me unconditional, loving support - not financial, mind you, but she LISTENED. Didn't try to crisis manage or give advice. When I (finally!) finished undergrad with a shitty GPA, she was proud of me for getting through it. Her support, as well as her offhand remark that there was no reason I COULDN'T apply to grad school, gave me the boost I needed. My self-esteem was destroyed after being a successful high school student whose friends and peers passed me by. Bit by bit, I got some self-esteem and self-respect back, and worked my ass off to finish a not-impressive Master's Program. Nearly 10 years later, I have a healthy life and a good career.

Be a source of support, not strife. Your kids KNOW they are letting you down. They are likely watching their former hs friends kick ass at their careers, get married, have kids, buy houses. You can't help them succeed by getting involved in their work and academics. I cringe at some of the rude, selfish things I once did to my parents. I threw a tantrum when they stopped paying my rent at 23, but it was the best thing for me. I still got financial help when, for example, I needed money to move to DC to take my first postgraduate job. Disengage, but be kind and welcoming, No snide or side remarks about work or money. Take them out for dinner, one-on-one, and don't mention school, money, or work. Try relating to them as adults. I'm sorry this is happening to you. I imagine it was my parents' biggest parenting challenge.

Thanks. I think this is what I needed to hear. Sometimes I just want to change the lock on the door but I was hard on my folks at this age, too, just seldom intentionally rude.

Don't assume they are being intentionally rude. Parents often assume they know everything that is going on in their glistens lives, but they don't. And it may not be your business or maybe they don't want to burden you with it. You can't read their minds. You sound like someone who tends to take things too personally.

Glistens= childrens'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They're not "kids" in their 20's. They're just adults.

And there's a term for them: assholes

This

[Anonymous]

Did you call them out on their rudeness when they were teenagers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you call them out on their rudeness when they were teenagers?

I spoke harshly to them when they were young and I blame myself, but I can't undo the past, I can only try to be supportive now. However, I don't think I'm doing them favors by excusing their almost constant rudeness. (Coming and going with no greeting or comment, refusing to converse at family meals, swearing...) Only one lives at home but the other is in and out a lot due to babysitting and I can start to see her behavior reflected in grandkids (3 and 5), who always resist going home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you call them out on their rudeness when they were teenagers?

I spoke harshly to them when they were young and I blame myself, but I can't undo the past, I can only try to be supportive now. However, I don't think I'm doing them favors by excusing their almost constant rudeness. (Coming and going with no greeting or comment, refusing to converse at family meals, swearing...) Only one lives at home but the other is in and out a lot due to babysitting and I can start to see her behavior reflected in grandkids (3 and 5), who always resist going home.

I like the part where you gloss over how shitty you treated them as kids and then explain it off as "the past."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you call them out on their rudeness when they were teenagers?

I spoke harshly to them when they were young and I blame myself, but I can't undo the past, I can only try to be supportive now. However, I don't think I'm doing them favors by excusing their almost constant rudeness. (Coming and going with no greeting or comment, refusing to converse at family meals, swearing...) Only one lives at home but the other is in and out a lot due to babysitting and I can start to see her behavior reflected in grandkids (3 and 5), who always resist going home.

Wait. Your 20sometbing kids have little ones that you babysit and they are rude to you??? I assume you babysit for free and whenever they need you because you're grandma and want to help? I'd shut that rudeness down. I realize you want to be there for your grandkids and not lose acces to them too. You can take the high road and say politely "please don't curse in my house" when they are swearing. You can't really make anyone converse at family meals. That's a sullen teenager thing that maybe they haven't outgrown. Ask one question and if they don't want to talk, fine. Talk to your husband and grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you call them out on their rudeness when they were teenagers?

I spoke harshly to them when they were young and I blame myself, but I can't undo the past, I can only try to be supportive now. However, I don't think I'm doing them favors by excusing their almost constant rudeness. (Coming and going with no greeting or comment, refusing to converse at family meals, swearing...) Only one lives at home but the other is in and out a lot due to babysitting and I can start to see her behavior reflected in grandkids (3 and 5), who always resist going home.

I've apologized and worked to make many amends. I don't think that enabling their rudeness, towards me and others, is going to improve on the past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you call them out on their rudeness when they were teenagers?

I spoke harshly to them when they were young and I blame myself, but I can't undo the past, I can only try to be supportive now. However, I don't think I'm doing them favors by excusing their almost constant rudeness. (Coming and going with no greeting or comment, refusing to converse at family meals, swearing...) Only one lives at home but the other is in and out a lot due to babysitting and I can start to see her behavior reflected in grandkids (3 and 5), who always resist going home.

I like the part where you gloss over how shitty you treated them as kids and then explain it off as "the past."

Hello, OP's child!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: their almost constant rudeness. (Coming and going with no greeting or comment, refusing to converse at family meals, swearing...)

OP,

Depending on how often they ignore you and how bad the swearing is, yes, it could indeed be very rude of them. However I imagine that they are not happy at having to depend on you in their 20s, and that your personality is such that you probably don't make it easy for them and increase their level of stress.

I'm not trying to justify their actions, but I'm pointing to circumstances that make your current relationship very challenging. It would have been much better had you treated them correctly as children, and if they were reasonably financially independent at their age. When they move out and are able to provide for themselves and their children, I am sure they will treat you better. Distance, and less stress!
Don't expect apologies, though.

[Anonymous]

Pp again - if they are getting fired from jobs, do you think they have a disorder of some sort, like ADHD, which might make it difficult for them to pay attention to details, stay organized and be on time?
We are an ADHD family, and my husband has lost jobs because of it, so I'm sensitive to that kind of thing!