An SPD play date who is aggressive and how to handle it

[Anonymous]

My friend's child has SPD and is aggressive. He sometimes hits and punches without provocation. She can't seem to handle it or manage it because it still continues. She gives him timeouts and tells him to stop. But it doesn't. I feel bad not accepting play date invitations. My child doesn't want to play with him either. What do I do? She and I are have been friends for a while now and I'm reluctant to break off our friendship over this. But not sure how to keep refusing play date invitations. What should I do?? Please don't suggest i just talk to her because she would just flip out if I did. She would get really offended and defensive of her child.

[Anonymous]

this is a tough one. i am the mom of an spd child and so i know how hard it is for the parent. is her child getting services of some kind? if you really want to keep her in your life and/or help her out, i'd suggest playdates that will suit the spd child. outside would be one simple way. but other things, like water play or a moonbounce, would be good choices. spd kids are at their best when they are physically challenged. how old, btw?

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't think the decisive factor is whether you child wants to play with your friend's child. Do you feel like your child is in danger and/or that you can't keep your child from getting victimized and if so, how. If you could elaborate on this question, maybe we could provide better feedback to you.

[Anonymous]

I'm afraid to mention the age because I'm not sure if she reads DCUM. We tried the outdoor play dates. She favors indoor ones though. We tried moonbounces but her child becomes too disregulated and got out of control on the moonbounce. He ended up hurting himself. She doesn't seem to want to spend the money on therapy. Thinks just doing things at parks, playgrounds, at home will be enough. But it isn't. This is why he's so disregulated all the time I think.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I am afraid that my child will be hit by my friend's child. Even if he doesn't hit he will sometimes jump on top of him. One time he squeezed him so hard my child cried. I can't seem to keep my child from being hurt because no matter what I or my friend say or do, it still happens.

I feel as though I can't keep saying 'no' to play dates without compromising the friendship. She has asked for play dates so many times. She's a wonderful person, a good friend. Not sure how to maintain a friendship but cut out the play dates. Lie? Say I'm busy? Say my child is busy?

[Anonymous]

i'm a mom of an spd kid (among her other issues). obviously the mom knows there's a problem if there's a diagnosis. and i can tell you that if it were my kid,i would completely understand if the other kid wanted to take a break from the playdates. some kids can take it and they don't mind; some kids feel victimized. i'm sure your friend doesn't want your son to feel like her son's victim. that's not doing anyone any favors. she needs to find more appropriate playmates for him who can tolerate the aggressiveness. if i were you, i would explain that while you love her son and in every other way the playdates are enjoyable, your son doesn't enjoy rough play, and can you take break from playdates while her son is going thru this roughplay "phase."

i don't agree with the earlier poster that your son's feelings are irrelevant. i think they are very important. it's one thing to say to a kid, you have to be polite and play nice because this kid's my son's friend -- it's quite another to say that the kid has to be subjected to attack by another kid. even if it's not that bad objectively, if that's the way he feels, that has to be respected.

[Anonymous]

My son has SPD and alternates between sensory seeking (squeezing others, loves roughhousing, etc) and sensory avoiding. It was hard before I knew what the problem was to have playdates w/ gentler, quieter kids. They were overwhelmed by my son and I was constantly intervening. So once I got him evaluated and figured out what the problem was, I got him help in OT. If he didn't get help, he would end up w/ no friends at all. Anyway, I agree w/ the PP that you do not want your son to feel like a "friend" is hurting him while adults sit there and allow it. I know you said you and the mom intervened but by allowing them to play together when you know he WILL be pushed, grabbed, squeezed, punched, etc is not okay. It is not a question of IF. So talk to the mom from your concern for her son and your son. OT has helped my son and even if her reason for not getting him help is financial, get her the book The Out of Sync Child Has Fun which was ideas for a sensory diet to be done by parents at home.

[Anonymous]

My friend knows about the issues. I can't talk to her openly about her son. She gets upset if anyone says anything about her son. She said once that she feels other children need to learn to adapt to her child, that eventually they'll learn to stand up to her son and tell him to cut it out. To some degree, she wants the kids to be left alone to work it out on their own.She knows about senory issues, the books out there, but this one spd kid is one out of several she has and she doesn't have the time to give him the therapy he needs either.

It's not just physical aggressiveness though. He's very controlling too.

[Anonymous]

9:33 here. if your friend feels this way, she has a problem with selfishness and lack of consideration for others, including her own child (for whom she is doing no favors by allowing him to fail at friendship in this way). if i were you, i would choose my child over your friend and simply say that your son and her son don't make good playmates, but you'd love to see her one on one. if she doesn't like that, oh well.

[Anonymous]

Being very controlling goes along with the SPD, the more out of control kid's body's feel the more bossy and controlling they are.

Some OTs take insurance and it would sure make her life easier if the kids had help. She sounds overwhelmed and maybe depressed - it's a neurological problem and it's the other kids who are supposed to "fix" it? It's such a weirdly passive attenuated way to look at the situation.

Are the kids in school? Perhaps they will recommend intervention?

[Anonymous]

They are both in school. Her child goes to a religious based school. I don't know if they rec intervention.

[Anonymous]

Well, if she is aware of the issues and isn't going to get help for her son, I wouldn't continue the playdates. I posted above about my son and I wouldn't hesitate to get him help. His future success or lack of it is important enough to me to get him the help he needs. It is a shame that this boy's mother isn't going to do anything but make excuses. I would explain that your child is intimidated by her son's behavior and you would rather not continue the playdates. Maybe when other children avoid her son, that might be the "aha" moment for her. It isn't her fault. It is a neurological issue that can be remedied if she seeks help. You also don't need your son picking up undesirable behaviors.

[Anonymous]

Oh, this mom knows that other kids avoid her child. She can't get a play date with a gentle kid to save her life. Or she'll get one or two and they'll stop coming or calling. But how can I tell her that about her child and still expect her to speak to me the next day?

I feel like a wimp asking this but is it okay to just say my child is just too busy with camp, extracurricular classes, for play dates?

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm the mom who asked whether you were afraid that your child would get hurt by your friend's child. Since you do, this is an easy answer - you have to protect your child and it sounds like that means no more playdates at this point in time.

I asked this because I have a large family and I find that the bigger my family got, the more compromise everyone has to make. So, when I hear from one of my kids that they don't want to play with a particular kid, I have to whether that child's preferences against what everyone else wants to do and/or what is best for all of us. Sometimes that means that the complaining child has to suck it up and participate. But, I would never put any of my kids in a position to be hurt by another child.

As to talking with your friend, I see no harm in making excuses rather than being brutally honest with your friend so long as you are comfortable with that route. There is nothing productive that can come out of being direct.

And, one last thought. I don't think it's fair for people to be so hard on the mom of the SPD child. Sometimes us moms of special needs children know there are problems, but for some reason can't get the help our child needs. Maybe it is that she doesn't know where or how to get the help. Maybe she's overwhelmed with raising her special needs child. Or maybe she can't afford it. OT isn't covered under many insurance problems and I never had any success getting OT for my son through the school system - no problem with anything else, just OT.

[Anonymous]

My son's OT is completely out of pocket and I really do not have the money. The OP said that the mom is aware of the problem but not doing anything about it. Sometimes you just need to suck it up and put therapy as a priority. It will not go away or get better w/ age. The little boy won't have any friends. Even just a few sessions w/ an OT would help the mom w/ a sensory diet to help out her son. I have put myself into debt to pay for OT b/c my child needs it.